One afternoon I was sitting in my friend's dorm room. We were playing CoD4 (just released) and smoking hand-rolled Bugler cigarettes out of his window. The night before I went out drinking, and had a pretty rough stomach that day. I pull out a plastic chair to sit on, and patiently wait my turn at the controller.

At a certain point, my stomach takes a turn for the worse. There's gurgling, but it's not like your typical gurgle - it's audible to my friends. My one buddy looks at me with raised eyebrows, asking unspoken if I'm ok? I just grin and grimace; my stomach is literally rumbling so hard I can feel it.

I start thinking letting off a little gas would help. I fart, and boy, does it reek. Have you ever had a rodent die in your home, in a wall or somewhere otherwise unreachable? That sickly sweet stench? Imagine that and methane. I'm starting to get concerned, but it really did help. I let off a little bit more gas... and shit myself. Enough that some shit dribbled down my leg. It's almost black it's so dark, so I'm freaking out. Just shit in my friend's chair; an awful dark color of shit that smells like death. I immediately jump up and run to the bathroom, struggling to hold the poop in my pants with my hands. I reach the toilet, and at first nothing happens. Just the most intense stomach cramps and pain I've ever felt.

Suddenly, I start farting. And farting. And shitting. And shitting, shitting, shitting until the end of time. I am not exaggerating when I say to you that it took almost a minute to dissipate. Don't be underwhelmed here - shitting, 60 seconds is an eternity. Count to ten. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. So on so forth. Imagine while you're sitting there at your computer chair that your insides are literally blowing out with no sign of stopping. When it stopped, I almost fell off the toilet I felt so physically drained. I looked down to see what was going on, and not only was this the darkest poop I've ever taken, but there was blood. Everywhere. All over the walls, all over the toilet, behind me on the fucking commode... It was fucking everywhere. I just shit blood, and now I'm fucking scared. I clean up, but my anus is just dripping. It's like a leaky faucet - just dripping. It won't stop. I wipe again and it's partial blood with feces.

I call my friend in; he's cracking up. I tell him what's going on and he wants to look. I tell him to hold on a minute, but gather what strength I have left and leave the stall. He walks in, almost gags at the stench and waves his hand to clear it away - obviously to no avail. We both look at the toilet, and it's fucking demolished. Not a single spot of porcelain is left untouched. I do not jest when I say the underneath of the lid was a solid black-brown stain from fucking bounced-back fecal matter.

I ended up having salmonella, and that was but the first of a three week hell.