My mother died last year suddenly of a stroke. She suffered a preliminary stroke after competing in a triathlon but made a full recovery. A week later I made spaghetti for her because she was meant to be resting. That night my step-father called me at 2am from the hospital saying she had another stroke. A week after that she died from brain swelling and pneumonia.

For me it all started with being numb and I just stopped caring about what was happening around me. I hid in my house, but I hated being alone so my sister and I were always together. The numbness gradually wore off and I actually started feeling that my stepfather had it worse than me, he and my mum were really in love and were about to move to the coast, a dream they had for a really long time. Looking after other people became a haven for me, but I started blocking myself off from the situation and not letting myself feel anything. I started having crazy mood swings and trouble sleeping, and I just ate junk and put on a whole lot of weight.

I would probably suggest seeing a counsellor (maybe through work) when you feel up to it, they are really helpful at working through what you're feeling and what you need at the time. One thing I have found helpful is to remind yourself what your brother gave you, and why it makes you a better person. When my sister and I say something at the same time that is something our mother would have said, it makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time.

This year my sister, stepfather and I are doing a 3 day walk through national park to raise money for a stroke foundation, so maybe somewhere down the line, find something you can do to make you feel that you're potentially saving someone from the situation you are going through.

Give yourself what you need at the time, but remember that there is a fine line between not dealing with grief because you are scared to and not dealing with it because you actually can't. Each day gets easier but it can be by such a small amount that you don't even notice. I have a new appreciation for life and every now and then I stop and remind myself to just look around and enjoy where I am and what I'm doing.

When you feel up to it, try reading a bit of Kurt Vonnegut. He has such a great understanding of the human condition and his books are full of black humour.

"I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'"

tldr; take things as they come, be gentle with yourself and still allow yourself to feel happiness