The point at which I knew I was pretty drunk [FIXED]

daveyhazey · 2012-05-24T16:58:05.351389+00:00

I think it's sausage. And I would substitute onion rings for the fries.

bennyb420 · 2012-05-23T18:47:01.980596-07:00

Walter White has a posse.

theknightwhosays_nee · 2012-05-24T01:40:13.476490+00:00

This one time, at band camp...NO, REALLY:

It was my first time at band camp (tuba and saxophone player), I was 15. Somehow, I lost all my money after I got there. I had no money for food at the cafeteria. My fellow band members in the male barracks took up a collection for me and came up with $15 (cheap fuckers), but then they decided that I had to do something sufficiently humiliating to earn the money:

Twenty minutes later, I was dressed in only two enormous pink towels, one as a diaper, the other as a sort of toga. They gave me two maracas to shake and led me to a huge patio where about 100 people were milling about after dinner. Someone shoved me out in front of the crowd, and after a moment's brief terror, I began to shake those fucking maracas and sing at the top of my lungs:

"Oh, I'm a jungle boy and I'm okay

I blows all night and I plays all day

Gots me a tuba in the jungle to play

So I sits right down and blow all day!"

Someone called a technical foul, because I had neglected some aspect of the performance (I forget what), so I had to go back out there and do it all again, a second performance. But I got that $15, by god. I was known forever after as "Jungle Jeff" in the marching band.

TurpenoidFever · 2012-05-24T01:30:24.267125+00:00

Every now and then, the suckers get a brief glimpse of the house snickering and counting money in the back room. For all that the banksters and their worshippers love to talk about the confidence fairy, they seem oblivious to the increasing lack of confidence (and trust) in the Great Roulette Wheel. It will come back to bite us all in the ass (us more than them, as always).

Bab5crusade · 2012-05-24T01:03:23.755842+00:00

This thread is fucking hilarious. You're fighting over soda! Lighten up! Better yet, flame me. SHUN THE NONBELIEVER!!!

ArduousFlight · 2012-05-24T00:53:45.953655+00:00

Do they still have the train with observation cars that goes up there from Denver? I spent a great weekend in Glenwood Springs once, it was truly special.

AHoddy · 2012-05-24T00:43:18.331328+00:00

I clicked thinking it would be Jeb Corliss, but I guess he's probably still recuperating from that nasty scrape he got. An awesome achievement anyway. Congrats to Gary Connery. Well done.

Holy shit! Check out the video

DeskFlyer · 2012-05-23T17:16:05.474160-07:00

Heartbreaking. What the hell happened? I mean, beyond the whole 'spark ignites fuel' thing.

Bigmada · 1 day

Once, in heavy afternoon traffic on 285 in Atlanta, I was passed by two cars that were going about 70 (the rest of us were going about 40 because there was a clusterfuck up ahead). The second car had a guy mostly outside the passenger window, sitting on the passenger door, trying to grip the roof, yelling at the car in front of them, "PULL OVER! PULL OVER!" He seemed very emphatic about this.

They both abruptly swerved across several lanes and took an exit ramp at Ashford-Dunwoody, hung a fast right and disappeared into afternoon traffic. Being a cab driver at the time, I knew that they would likely soon be brought to a standstill by some of the worst traffic in Atlanta. I had a guilty little giggle at the thought of the insanity that would soon ensue, but I was glad to be away from it. A cabbie has to keep moving.

Road Rage Knockout sounds like the name of a great punk album.

ServerGeek · 1 day

Do they still have Wolf Blitzer covering twitter? I don't think even Fox can top that for sheer, compounded idiocy.

Edit: never mind. I see from comments below that they're still big into twitter.

throw_away_ugly · 2 days

A man cuts his hair.

SantaKlouse · 2 days

Mom is pretty fucking hot.

That's not 'mom,' is it? Now that I'm sober, she looks very, very young. Way too young. I've creeped myself out.

nopascalouma · 2 days

I was wondering when the guy with the five foot stick was gonna have to smack a bitch. It was just a matter of time.

djmyst9119 · 2 days

Even when he's doing horrible things to people, he's just a pleasure to watch. A total snake.

I'm so glad they're finally away on their adventure. This will be one of the best arcs of the series.

ButchInWaukegan · 3 days

Don't pull a muscle stretching for that strawman.

ButchInWaukegan · 3 days

They're a small minority among the protesters.

ButchInWaukegan · 3 days

There, there. The big strong police will keep you safe from all that messy democracy. You can never be too fearful, after all.

ivegotthegoldenticke · 3 days

Gleeson? More like GLEEFUL, that evil little shit.

He is so good at this.

Teh_Br4iN · 3 days

Not sure if I can fap to this.

kraven420 · 3 days

Kind of get the feeling there used to be a rope ladder there before they found the stair car.

secaa23 · 4 days

I hate Illinois nazis.

BetaMemeTester · 4 days

Breakfast of Champions was my very first Vonnegut book. I was 15 and my mind was blown. I read that, Catch-22 and Crime and Punishment all in the same year. I don't think I've since had a year that good in terms of reading.

loki010 · 4 days

You are right to be alarmed, sir. The savages here in America are most disorderly.

PandaC · 4 days

I'd like this article better from the Onion.

ppyft · 4 days

Yeah, I have. The woman I wanted to marry has a number of compulsions. She can't sit still, has to be doing something every moment, complete workaholic...and she wanted to fuck all day every day, as well as be with me 24/7. She couldn't deal with the fact that I had to turn her down on occasion, so after one of our rare fights, she decided not to come back.

Elidor

TROPHY CASE

Elidor

TROPHY CASE

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