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[–][deleted] 72 points73 points ago

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Revelation 8:2 And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets...And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up.

...

You're going to need to get some vuvuzelas.

[–]somethings_off 4 points5 points ago

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So did each angel have 7 trumpets? Because that's ridiculous but if God wants it that way, whatever. Who am I to argue with him.

[–]happybadger 2 points3 points ago

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Seven angels, one trumpet each. The bible's syntax is really fucked up through translations and antiqued language.

[–]somethings_off 2 points3 points ago

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So 7 angels, 1 trumpet? Gross, dude. Gross.

[–]dhk8 0 points1 point ago

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The bible's syntax is really fucked up through translations and antiqued language.

Yeah.... that's the issue...

[–]happybadger 1 point2 points ago

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Much of the content made a lot of sense back when it was written.

For the life of me I can't recall the exact passage, but there was one where a bunch of kids gathered around a prophet, called him "baldhead", and after praying to god two bears came out and killed 42 children. In 21st Century English, that looks fucking stupid. In 16th century English (when the King James Bible was written), it looks a little better. In 1st Century BC Aramaic or whatever it was originally written in, it looked pretty normal- both in a grammatical sense and content-wise.

Hurr hurr Atheism and all that shit, but the bible looks the way it does through shoddy translating.

[–]TheCannonYou Smell Like Hobo Ass 13 points14 points ago

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Move to the US immediately.

Go into New York City (The Bronx or Queens, specifically), and find the busiest Police Station in the City.

Put on all the robes and other garb to legitimize your appearance, and be sure your beard and hair have grown out completely. Go up to the Watch Commander and insist that you are Jesus Christ, and demand that all the officers relinquish their weapons to you, as you are the keeper of peace.

You might have to try to take their guns away forcefully. This will cause them to shoot you, at which point you will prove who you are by deflecting the bullets with your Super-Jesus Underewear™.

[–]itsnotlupusTrusted Advisor 3 points4 points ago*

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This is more or less the exact plot of a movie I happened to see.

I can't remember its name, nor find references to it online, but it prominently featured Jesus fighting sin in spandex in the streets of new york city.

He ended up doing quite well for himself, so if that movie is any indication, your advice is quite free of excrement, and as such invalid.

*edit: Ah, there we go. I give you UltraChrist!

*edit: Netflix instant play link

[–]FacehammerCertified butt doctor 4 points5 points ago

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Don't worry if you actually die. You'll be back in 3 days.

[–]aidrocsid 2 points3 points ago*

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A modern Christ wouldn't necessarily have a long beard and long hair, as he likely had them because he was a Nazirite. Becoming a Nazirite isn't as popular these days since you can't end it after your alloted period of time by making a sacrifice at the Temple of Jerusalem, because the 2nd is gone and the 3rd isn't here yet.

[–]TheCannonYou Smell Like Hobo Ass 5 points6 points ago

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A few presents for you:

, , . , ,

Use them wisely.

To answer your statement, presentation is everything. The cops won't believe shit without the robes and beard and long hair.

[–]aidrocsid 4 points5 points ago

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But if he's actually an incarnation of God and he actually believes it, it won't matter. They will listen to him because he has authority.

Also I will take one comma, thank you.

[–]TheCannonYou Smell Like Hobo Ass 4 points5 points ago

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Also, I will take one comma. Thank you.

I'm such a dick :)

[–]aidrocsid 5 points6 points ago

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Hardly, you distribute punctuation to the masses at no charge. It's a valuable commodity. Quite kind of you. I just don't want to take more than I need.

[–]TheCannonYou Smell Like Hobo Ass 2 points3 points ago

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That's very ecologically minded of you.

Excellent... excellent.

[–]byte8bits 6 points7 points ago

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I'm not convinced. You're not official until I see your face on my toast.

[–]lackofbrainNot on fire (probably) 1 point2 points ago

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Strangely, he looks exactly like a piece of toast!

[–]liturgical_libertine 5 points6 points ago

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[–]tjw[M]oron 4 points5 points ago

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I think this is good advice, but those guys are so hung up on the first coming of Christ that they may not believe you. I think /r/Jewish would be more receptive to the idea.

[–]liturgical_libertine 0 points1 point ago*

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That's true, but you'd have to be a legit messiah like they want. None of this turn the other cheek bullshit.

[–]Pr0phet 3 points4 points ago

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That cross thing sure worked out the first time you came around. Try that again.

[–]aidrocsid 1 point2 points ago

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Sure did. So did the escaping to Kasmir thing.

[–]Pr0phet 2 points3 points ago

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Way to go, Jesus. Everywhere you stepped, the ground has been warred over and contested for thousands of years hence.

[–]Codeblue74 5 points6 points ago

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Contact lenses or LASIK eye surgery. Why in the fuck did the Branch Dividians believe David Keresh was the 2nd coming of Christ when he required glasses?

[–]kingofthehillpeople 0 points1 point ago

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I can't prove this is based in fact, but its seems legit

[–]C_IsForCookieWhere am I? 2 points3 points ago

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Expatriate? Get out of my international business class!

No, but really, these people don't know what they're talking about. Move to the US? Fooey I say! A real son of god is too good for this. You belong in a place where more people will recognize you, like the moon or the north pole! Go now, and write 10 commandments relevant to this world; primarily regarding prostitution, cartoons, top ramen, and porn. Write these rules on two tablets of great size and proclamate that each christian must tattoo them on their hands so they won't forget "What would Jesus do". Also, buy mass amounts of advertising space to show everyone how the second coming is here, especially on Reddit, because a real son of god would want to bless his followers with extra bandwidth and more server load capacity!

Go forth and prosper!

[–]kingofthehillpeople 2 points3 points ago

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step one: stop shouting at me on my way to work

[–]lackofbrainNot on fire (probably) 2 points3 points ago

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Set up a fish sandwich and wine shop

[–]frak_your_couch 4 points5 points ago

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adsense, man...adsense

[–]dixie_recht; -- I DROP TABLES 1 point2 points ago

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Move to New York and become a superhero. Get a comic book made detailing your exploits, one which produces both a TV series and movie franchise. Hang out with a cool sidekick, like a Wookie or hot ass-kicking chick apostle or something, and have a cool catchphrase, like "Boot of Christ, motherfucker," or something. I don't know, put it in front of a focus group before you get attached to one.

Eventually, demand that your followers make a trip to Mecca, er, Comic-Con every year, where you'll be there to host meetings giving teasers about what enemies you'll be facing in the upcoming year (terrorists, the gays, polygamists, those pussies from Twilight, bacon-hating Jews, activist judges....the possibilities are endless). The 12 best cosplayers every year get a blessed cheeseburger of Smiting +2.

And don't forget one word: merchandising. If you don't end up J.K. Rowling rich, you're doing it wrong.

[–]5klp471 1 point2 points ago

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I am not a lawyer, but go ahead and lawyer up and get a few publicists. You'll need them.

Go to the Vatican and have the Pope suck you off in St Peter's Basilica, then come to the US where you'll be able to walk in. Points if you nuke Salt Lake City and only kill off the Mormons.

[–]czhunc 1 point2 points ago

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Get yourself stapled to a crucifix or board or tree or anything of that nature, just make sure it's wood. A nice oak desk would work nicely.

[–]w4rf19ht3r 1 point2 points ago

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Well, in order for there to be the second coming, the Anti-Christ first has to take over. So you should market yourself as the anti-christ in order to get the crazies to support because it'll mean that you can have your second coming more quickly.

[–]aidrocsid 1 point2 points ago

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If you were the "second coming" of Christ you wouldn't be saying silly things like "the second coming of Christ". But, if you want to play out the whole thing and save yourself some hassle just post an ad on craig's list looking for someone to crucify you and give a few homeless people fish on the way to meet them.

[–]rocktopotomus 1 point2 points ago

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get into Lucha libre, your persona should be something catchy like el Jesus. fuck shit up and get the crowd going. be as brutal and violent as possible. then when your popularity peaks do some pcp and slaughter and cannibalize those who you hold dearest.

[–]Dario_Sluthammer 1 point2 points ago

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Disregard logic, acquire followers.

[–]my_life_is_awesome 1 point2 points ago

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Are you trying to get nailed?

[–]Fazookus 0 points1 point ago

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You want to be an expat in the US? Check the exchange rates, it might be expensive until you, um, rise from the dead or whatever it is you do. As far as promoting I'd recommend Fox News.

[–]nhlfan 0 points1 point ago

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Social Media.

[–]WetxFlatulence 0 points1 point ago

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You could do what I did at bar/pup trivia nights: Name your team "The second coming of christ: On my stomach"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Stockpile semi-automatic assault rifles and convert them to fully automatic. Start a following of believers and move them to Texas, make sure to store food, ammo and weapons in your compound.

Then dare the government to stop you, and tell your followers when the government comes to raid you it is a sure sign the end is near.

[–]Kardlonoc 0 points1 point ago

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Just follow the same steps jesus did the first time.

[–]jeanlucdickhardKnows Things 0 points1 point ago

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This is a no-brainer. Suck his dick. As soon as you see him, fuck the olive branches and all that jazz, just get on your knees, and suck his dick til his REAL second coming

You'll be a star, and he will keep you in his posse

[–]JohnnyLotion 0 points1 point ago

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Learn the LOLCat Bible by heart and only preach from that translation. Would love to see you preaching in a public space:

Revelation 1 New Testament

John iz told teh apocalypse is comming. Iz comin. Srsly. 1 John haz sum revelashunz. Tehy frum teh Happycat, but wuz furst frum Ceiling Cat, an tehy to show what iz comin. Teh Ceiling Cat sended hiz angel to John to give revelashunz.2 John sez iz all totally troof, zactly what teh Ceiling Cat and Happycat sayed. He no lie. Srsly. 3 Everwun what reedz these wurdz will has cheezburgrz and everwun what heerz theez wurdz will has cheezburgrz. Also, pay attenshuns, cuz iz comin. Habeeb it. 4 John seyz, hay teh sehvuhn churchez over therr in Asia: Oh hai, from teh Ceiling Cat whoz alwayz around, an alwayz haz beens around, an alwayz will bes around, and hai from the sehvuhn kittehs sittin next to his mighteh sofuh. 5 Oh, also, hai frum Happycat, who iz liek totally l33t. Srsly. To Happycat who totally luvz us an died for us an stuff,6 Ur awsum, kthx. 7 Invisibuhl airplane for Happycat! Everwun will see him in teh airplane, even tho iz invisibuhls. Even thoze bad doodz who wuz so mean will seez him, and everwun will be totally bummed. Srsly. 8 Teh Ceiling Cat sez "iz teh lolfa n iz lolmega n i allwayz haz been n allwayz will be also i haz strongness! rawr"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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drop a hot mix tape and sell homemade burned copies out in front of random high traffic areas. everytime someone walks by say "ayo mayne you like rap?"

[–]Shredder13 0 points1 point ago

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Sandwich boards.