I think I might be the second coming of Christ. How should I go about promoting myself in the best way?

somethings_off · 1 year

Revelation 8:2 And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets...And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up.

...

You're going to need to get some vuvuzelas.

TheCannon · 1 year

Move to the US immediately.

Go into New York City (The Bronx or Queens, specifically), and find the busiest Police Station in the City.

Put on all the robes and other garb to legitimize your appearance, and be sure your beard and hair have grown out completely. Go up to the Watch Commander and insist that you are Jesus Christ, and demand that all the officers relinquish their weapons to you, as you are the keeper of peace.

You might have to try to take their guns away forcefully. This will cause them to shoot you, at which point you will prove who you are by deflecting the bullets with your Super-Jesus Underewear™.

byte8bits · 1 year

I'm not convinced. You're not official until I see your face on my toast.

liturgical_libertine · 1 year

/r/christianity is this way

Pr0phet · 1 year

That cross thing sure worked out the first time you came around. Try that again.

Codeblue74 · 1 year

Contact lenses or LASIK eye surgery. Why in the fuck did the Branch Dividians believe David Keresh was the 2nd coming of Christ when he required glasses?

C_IsForCookie · 1 year

Expatriate? Get out of my international business class!

No, but really, these people don't know what they're talking about. Move to the US? Fooey I say! A real son of god is too good for this. You belong in a place where more people will recognize you, like the moon or the north pole! Go now, and write 10 commandments relevant to this world; primarily regarding prostitution, cartoons, top ramen, and porn. Write these rules on two tablets of great size and proclamate that each christian must tattoo them on their hands so they won't forget "What would Jesus do". Also, buy mass amounts of advertising space to show everyone how the second coming is here, especially on Reddit, because a real son of god would want to bless his followers with extra bandwidth and more server load capacity!

Go forth and prosper!

kingofthehillpeople · 1 year

step one: stop shouting at me on my way to work

lackofbrain · 1 year

Set up a fish sandwich and wine shop

frak_your_couch · 1 year

adsense, man...adsense

dixie_recht · 1 year

Move to New York and become a superhero. Get a comic book made detailing your exploits, one which produces both a TV series and movie franchise. Hang out with a cool sidekick, like a Wookie or hot ass-kicking chick apostle or something, and have a cool catchphrase, like "Boot of Christ, motherfucker," or something. I don't know, put it in front of a focus group before you get attached to one.

Eventually, demand that your followers make a trip to Mecca, er, Comic-Con every year, where you'll be there to host meetings giving teasers about what enemies you'll be facing in the upcoming year (terrorists, the gays, polygamists, those pussies from Twilight, bacon-hating Jews, activist judges....the possibilities are endless). The 12 best cosplayers every year get a blessed cheeseburger of Smiting +2.

And don't forget one word: merchandising. If you don't end up J.K. Rowling rich, you're doing it wrong.

5klp471 · 1 year

I am not a lawyer, but go ahead and lawyer up and get a few publicists. You'll need them.

Go to the Vatican and have the Pope suck you off in St Peter's Basilica, then come to the US where you'll be able to walk in. Points if you nuke Salt Lake City and only kill off the Mormons.

czhunc · 1 year

Get yourself stapled to a crucifix or board or tree or anything of that nature, just make sure it's wood. A nice oak desk would work nicely.

w4rf19ht3r · 1 year

Well, in order for there to be the second coming, the Anti-Christ first has to take over. So you should market yourself as the anti-christ in order to get the crazies to support because it'll mean that you can have your second coming more quickly.

aidrocsid · 1 year

If you were the "second coming" of Christ you wouldn't be saying silly things like "the second coming of Christ". But, if you want to play out the whole thing and save yourself some hassle just post an ad on craig's list looking for someone to crucify you and give a few homeless people fish on the way to meet them.

rocktopotomus · 1 year

get into Lucha libre, your persona should be something catchy like el Jesus. fuck shit up and get the crowd going. be as brutal and violent as possible. then when your popularity peaks do some pcp and slaughter and cannibalize those who you hold dearest.

Dario_Sluthammer · 1 year

Disregard logic, acquire followers.

my_life_is_awesome · 1 year

Are you trying to get nailed?

Fazookus · 1 year

You want to be an expat in the US? Check the exchange rates, it might be expensive until you, um, rise from the dead or whatever it is you do. As far as promoting I'd recommend Fox News.

nhlfan · 1 year

Social Media.

WetxFlatulence · 1 year

You could do what I did at bar/pup trivia nights: Name your team "The second coming of christ: On my stomach"

[deleted] · 1 year

Stockpile semi-automatic assault rifles and convert them to fully automatic. Start a following of believers and move them to Texas, make sure to store food, ammo and weapons in your compound.

Then dare the government to stop you, and tell your followers when the government comes to raid you it is a sure sign the end is near.

Kardlonoc · 1 year

Just follow the same steps jesus did the first time.

jeanlucdickhard · 1 year

This is a no-brainer. Suck his dick. As soon as you see him, fuck the olive branches and all that jazz, just get on your knees, and suck his dick til his REAL second coming

You'll be a star, and he will keep you in his posse

JohnnyLotion · 1 year

Learn the LOLCat Bible by heart and only preach from that translation. Would love to see you preaching in a public space:

Revelation 1 New Testament

John iz told teh apocalypse is comming. Iz comin. Srsly. 1 John haz sum revelashunz. Tehy frum teh Happycat, but wuz furst frum Ceiling Cat, an tehy to show what iz comin. Teh Ceiling Cat sended hiz angel to John to give revelashunz.2 John sez iz all totally troof, zactly what teh Ceiling Cat and Happycat sayed. He no lie. Srsly. 3 Everwun what reedz these wurdz will has cheezburgrz and everwun what heerz theez wurdz will has cheezburgrz. Also, pay attenshuns, cuz iz comin. Habeeb it. 4 John seyz, hay teh sehvuhn churchez over therr in Asia: Oh hai, from teh Ceiling Cat whoz alwayz around, an alwayz haz beens around, an alwayz will bes around, and hai from the sehvuhn kittehs sittin next to his mighteh sofuh. 5 Oh, also, hai frum Happycat, who iz liek totally l33t. Srsly. To Happycat who totally luvz us an died for us an stuff,6 Ur awsum, kthx. 7 Invisibuhl airplane for Happycat! Everwun will see him in teh airplane, even tho iz invisibuhls. Even thoze bad doodz who wuz so mean will seez him, and everwun will be totally bummed. Srsly. 8 Teh Ceiling Cat sez "iz teh lolfa n iz lolmega n i allwayz haz been n allwayz will be also i haz strongness! rawr"

[deleted] · 1 year

drop a hot mix tape and sell homemade burned copies out in front of random high traffic areas. everytime someone walks by say "ayo mayne you like rap?"

Shredder13 · 1 year

Sandwich boards.

dhk8 · 1 year

You're not. Fuck off you faking-it arsehole before I roast your balls or send down a hail of fucking frogs upon your head or smite your family seven ways from fucking sunday.

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