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Yet another instance not giving a fuck paying off (self.seduction)

submitted ago* by ATribeCalledGreg

I'll keep this brief. Girl from work introduced me to her friend. We hung out a few times, yada yada. This transpired via text.

Her: Hey, I think we should just stay friends. Sorry if I led you on.

Me: I'm used to it.

Her: You're a nice guy, but you're almost too nice if that makes sense.

Me: You don't have to explain yourself. Have fun finding what you're looking for.

HOUR AND A HALF LATER

Her: Hey, I feel bad about what I said. I want to give you a chance if you still want to. If not, I understand.

Her: Is that a no?

Her: I feel bad. I do like you.

EDIT: Great replies to this thread. As always, I'm glad it was able to facilitate discussion. I will admit I wasn't in a "gamey" mood with the girl when I sent the used to it line. I figured it's over it's over so it didn't matter what I sent, but then when she replied to that it seemed like it wasn't so final after all depending on how I played it. I'm definitely still learning.

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[–]wolf_baus 89 points90 points ago

Why the hell would you say that you're used to it? Any ounce of pre-selection was destroyed by that one sentence.

[–]welker 21 points22 points ago

Jesus, this. Could've said something way more effective like "I was thinking the same thing. You'd make a good friend." or "Er, did you think I was into you? Sorry about that, I act this way with everyone."

[–]ThePensiveWok 3 points4 points ago

I like the " I was thinking the same thing, you'd make a good friend " BAM thats golden I'm hiding that one in my pocket.

[–]Totallysmurfable 0 points1 point ago

Sure thats not a good thing to say but he clearly had built enough to recover from it. It was basically a shit test.

But let me warn you as someone who has personal experience, I see a lot of red flags in the shit she said here and I would immediately throw away the idea of having a long term relationship with her if that's what you were interested in.

[–]jack_skellington 228 points229 points ago*

OP, I know you started this topic to discuss how "not giving a fuck" you are. But I'm getting a very different read from what you posted. Let's talk.

HOUR AND A HALF LATER

What transpired during that hour and a half? Let's look at that, shall we?

  • OTHER GUY: "Hey."
  • HER: "Good news! I dumped him! Ha ha!"
  • OTHER GUY: "Wow."
  • HER: "Yeah, now I'm all yours! lol"
  • OTHER GUY: "I think we need to take a break."
  • HER: "WHAT?"
  • OTHER GUY: "Yeah, I just wanted a fuck buddy. This is getting too serious. Thanks. Bye."

Then she scrambles to see if she can get puppy dog back on the line. Oh look, OP, you're getting new texts from her. Huh.

OK, maybe that's a bit jokey. It maybe didn't happen like that. But what do we know did happen? Well, let's talk about your texts. Your line about being used to getting dumped, and her line about you being too nice gives me a strong vibe that you are a doormat. And it's not just her perception; it's also what you're projecting. Dejected comments and self-deprecation are good ways to convince a woman to hold you in "reserve" for when she can't get another date with a more confident guy. Why? Simply because you allow it. So I am hoping and praying to FSM that you never, ever respond to her, OP. And if you do, it better be just to say, "You had your chance. I want to move on."

There is a difference between being nice and being walked on. Don't forget about the abundance mentality. Lots of women out there, lots of matches for you. So you can be nice without being beholden. You can appreciate her without behaving as though losing her would be an issue. Always behave with courtesy. Never behave as if you cannot replace her. This is how you can be nice while still asserting your needs.

So if this girl opts out, then she is the wrong girl to be sending disappointed texts to after she friendzones you. I'm not saying you can't feel disappointed; I'm saying that shit is private and that girl just lost the right to be involved. Letting her see something of low self-worth like "I'm used to it" just proves to her that her evaluation of you as milquetoast was accurate.

Seriously, I want you to grow a pair, just... for yourself. You gotta get out of this self-image rut. Here is an example of an OK response to her original text...

  • HER: "Hey, I think we should just stay friends. Sorry if I led you on."
  • YOU: "Yeah, I was coming to the same conclusion. No worries. Take care!"

OR, if that is the wrong thing to type because you were fully crushing on her and she knows it, maybe it could have gone like this...

  • HER: "Hey, I think we should just stay friends. Sorry if I led you on."
  • YOU: "I probably got too interested too fast, yeah? It's OK. It will be fun to get interested in someone else. Good luck to you."

In general, guys, for all our sakes, please don't give off a vibe that your self-image isn't good. You have worth. If you don't feel it, then do things to get it.

[–]cdank 23 points24 points ago

This guy pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'm sure you give off the "I'm used to it" sort of pushover vibe in so many other areas of your life that you're not even conscious of.

I don't know who you are, but I know you're worth a LOT more than being this girl's pet.

Honestly, you should go on a really awesome date with this girl, lead her through an amazing night, and then at the end of it, throw that shit right back at her, "You know, we probably should just stay friends."

That drives girls nuts in a good way. Push-pull. Don't text or call for a few days and she will pursue YOU. Feels a lot better than striving for attention.

[–]sharewithmethesun 8 points9 points ago

Perfect examples and agreed 100%. If I were in her shoes after reading the OP's response I would probably imagine him bitter at home alone... (granted this may not be true but girls I've talked to seem to see it this way in these situations) Jack's responses are less passive aggressive and less likely to make me feel pity/guilt about the relationship. They make you less of a target for a girl who will put you on her line as well.

This could be a shit test but IMO she's probably right, you're better off as friends.

[–]heat_muscles 5 points6 points ago

This guy ^ . I am not a really huge fan of the " I'm used to it " line. Never value some one over yourself. You are the fucking hero of your lifestory :)

[–]dkarimi 5 points6 points ago

You get my only up-vote of the past 9 days.

[–]thefightforgood 1 point2 points ago

These are the types of posts I love seeing here.

[–]chosonhawk 0 points1 point ago

I'm just glad that OP didnt say "Its fine" or "No worries" or some shit like that...that not only demonstrates pushover..but also that what she did was OK. I very much agree with JS's alternative replies...particularly, "Yeah, I was coming to the same conclusion. No worries. Take care!"

[–]dakru 0 points1 point ago

Very well said! He did a great job in playing it off and accepting rejection, but how you described it as him "proving her evaluation as accurate" is perfect.

I don't like the "yeah I was thinking the same thing that we should be friends" that you and other people offered, though. It sounds too much like trying to back track after getting rejected instead of just accepting it like "it's all good, see you around".

[–]Teeman276 -1 points0 points ago

So I am hoping and praying to FSM

Pray for FSM? Get an upvote!

[–]joazito 13 points14 points ago

Well, since everyone (rightly and for your own good) is pounding on you for that self-deprecating line, I'll praise you for this:

You don't have to explain yourself. Have fun finding what you're looking for.

That was NGAF™.

[–]ReasonsWhyIDrink 2 points3 points ago

Please tell me you're referencing Jon Lajoie.

[–]MrSparkle666 9 points10 points ago

This sounds more like a guilt trip than "not giving a fuck".

I find that if you act genuinely care-free and positive towards a girl when she tires to break up with you, then a lot of the time she will have second thoughts. Break-ups are difficult. Nobody wants to do it. If you make the experience as pain free as possible for her she will usually think, "Why did I just dump such a nice, easy-going guy?"

[–]xelloss 17 points18 points ago

You probably confused her by not reacting like every other guy. Also hnnng @ "I'm used to it".

[–][deleted] 32 points33 points ago

You will also have to work on not being a 'nice' guy

[–]mrtuna 15 points16 points ago

Niceness is not wanting to offend. Kindness is actually genuine. Try find out the difference for yourself and your actions.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

Well, you can be nice, but don't be 'nice'.

[–]BooksofMagic 7 points8 points ago

But not a dick... Fine line I know...

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points ago

A good quote is something along the lines of "Don't mistake a nice man for a man without claws"

[–]animersmasta 5 points6 points ago

Nice quote, need to find source :O

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points ago

Ahh it was nietzsche "Verily, I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws." think I just made that up based off this

[–]sparklyteenvampire -1 points0 points ago

There's one for my Facebook quote board. Thanks.

[–]skyTree 0 points1 point ago

Good quote

[–]woocheese 7 points8 points ago

Don't be a nice guy be a good guy.

Nice guy: Hold your bags for you.

Holds the door open with a smile

Talks about your problems with you

Good guy: Is not your coat hanger.

Still holds the door open.

Solves your fucking problems and makes you feel good about it.

Basically be James Bond not the guy in 500 days of summer.

[–]HITLARIOUS -3 points-2 points ago

r/ShameRedditShame has linked to this post.

[–]returnofdoom 5 points6 points ago

She "feels bad for what (she) said" and thinks you're "almost too nice"... I'm not entirely sure what's motivating her to change her mind, but if I had to guess I'd say it has more to do with validation than anything else. I'd probably tell her I'm not interested.

[–]dlbear 4 points5 points ago

Rather than "I'm used to it" say "It's all right. Trust me, it's all right". It's like a sales call, show them what they're missing then take it away before they have a chance to say yea or nay.

[–]tells 1 point2 points ago

word. seduction is sales. sales is seduction.

[–]meltmyface 0 points1 point ago

"But... we are just friends. I've felt the same way about you."

[–]chosonhawk 5 points6 points ago

Ultimately, women dont want to feel like - or give the image - that they are either bitches or sluts. Once I figured out that this drives so much of their behavior...it became MUCH easier to put what they say and do into perspective. And, almost just as importantly, how to properly react to their oftimes inanities.

[–]sparklyteenvampire 0 points1 point ago

One very important side of this is that the perception is a bigger motivator than the reality. That is, it's not as important to them whether they are being bitchy or slutty, so much as how they'll be perceived by others (or feel about themselves).

Understanding this is another HUGE leap forward in understanding their behavior. When the girl above complains about feeling bad, she's probably feeling worse about what OP thinks of her than how he feels about rejection. And she's right; his feelings are ultimately his own responsibility, as hers are her own.

TL;DR: Women (and men) are usually more motivated by consequences to themselves. It doesn't make us evil. It just means we've yet to reach enlightenment.

[–]nopantson 4 points5 points ago

"Thanks but I'm over it"

[–]jack_skellington 0 points1 point ago

Damn, that's good.

[–]brendo12 6 points7 points ago

Why do they do that? I'm not sure I will ever understand it, it just does not make ANY sense.

[–]petiepablo 8 points9 points ago

Bitches be shoppin'

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points ago

Bitches be crazy.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

^ this

[–]meltmyface 0 points1 point ago

It's because they don't want to be a guy's mother. That's what a lot of nice guys are looking for: a mother-type figure. Would you want to replace a woman's daddy?

[–]notcaptainkirk 6 points7 points ago

Her: I feel bad. I do like you.

You: Maybe you should think before you say things with the next guy.

[–]sparklyteenvampire 1 point2 points ago

Who cares what she does with the next guy? Why don't you just send her a note that says "you hurt my feelings and now I'm going to be bitter and douchey about it"?

[–]notcaptainkirk -1 points0 points ago

Bitter and douchey?

No, more like selective about the women he's willing to date. If she's going to play stupid games like this, she is NOT a woman you want to get involved with.

But you can continue to completely miss the point if that works better for you.

[–]sparklyteenvampire 0 points1 point ago

You're missing my point, which was: Why bother with a bitter parting shot? Who gives a fuck about her future dates if you're not on them?

[–]ReasonsWhyIDrink 0 points1 point ago

best reply suggestion in the thread.

[–]this1 0 points1 point ago

How do you guys/gals feel about this, because this was the first thing that came to mind before I finished reading the conversation, and it's nagging at me now.

her: Hey, I think we should just stay friends.

you: Whoa, friends? I think this is moving too quickly for my taste.

[–]jack_skellington 3 points4 points ago

No, that's the kind of charm to use when something is starting, not the thing you say when you need to end things with a girl who is treating you like a yo-yo.

[–]iznou 1 point2 points ago

The funny thing about not giving a fuck is that it's a BIG FAT LIE because you most certainly DO give a fuck.

I'm just thinking, would my music teacher tell me to play my notes more consistently or just tell me not to give a fuck about playing?

Some of the comments here are a little harsh on OP, I think he handled that line of texting from that woman rather well.

I hope that he can start seeing these interactions as A GAME rather than a huge exposition of the soul. "I'm used to it" is actually a great line if you MEANT to say it to elicit certain feelings in her. The curt line telling her to "have fun finding what you're looking for" was awesome as well. You pretty much just set some rules of the game, threw the yellow flag, and enforced the rules with a subtle punishment. Well played!

Just remember it's a game.

[–]Woetren 0 points1 point ago

She gives you a chance? She's the one who should be happy to be in your wonderfull company. Tell her you'll think about it.

[–]Lupes -1 points0 points ago

Fairly similar thing happened to me with not giving a fuck, except it was more in person and non-verbal. Basically both of my mates were trying to get with this girl, followed her everywhere, etc. I just watched and didn't bother running to catch up, etc. Later that night she stayed in the same bed as me. Nothing happened though because we all stayed up way too late.

[–]BeanoFritz -2 points-1 points ago

I wish I would have seen this post two weeks ago

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