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Is it normal to feel uncomfortable when my GF goes "clubbing"? (self.relationships)

submitted ago* by [deleted]

My GF (21) and I (22) have been together for a year now. Every now and then she'll go to a club with her friends. I've never really been a big fan of the whole "club scene" so rarely do I join. I trust her but whenever she does go, I feel uncomfortable. I just think clubs have a very flirtatious/teasing vibe. And, of course, alcohol doesn't help. She's an attractive girl (sorry no pics, not even for science) and I'd like to think I'm secure but this may be indicative of any insecurities I may have. I've mentioned to her that I don't like clubs and feel uncomfortable when she goes but I don't own/control her so I can't and won't prevent her from going. Is it normal to feel this way?

Thanks Reddit! I appreciate all your comments and advice. kShade you really did hit the proverbial nail on the head. After reading all the comments and reflecting, I've come to realize why I feel the way I do. I won't go into detail about the incident but I will say I failed to see the red flags. Inexcusable and naive on my part. Nonetheless you guys have opened my eyes and for that I sincerely thank you. I still have a lot of reflecting and thinking to do. Thanks again!

Edit I'm new to reddit. Hence the correct format to edit the second time...

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[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]kithandra 6 points7 points ago

I really think this is a good idea. Have something you do when she goes clubbing (guys night or something else) to keep your mind off of it.

[–][deleted] 51 points52 points ago

Jealousy. destroys everything. Everything.

[–]GnusmasAikon 2 points3 points ago

True that. :/

[–]DVsKat 2 points3 points ago

& distrust.

[–]mysecondone 0 points1 point ago

preach!

[–]RamenGuy -1 points0 points ago

I can't upvote this enough.

[–]CoomassieBlue 39 points40 points ago

As long as she's not rubbing her ass up against guys' dicks, I wouldn't worry about it. Clubs do have a flirtatious vibe, but it's her choice as to whether or not she chooses to participate/contribute to that vibe.

[–]Jamielynn80 6 points7 points ago

Well, I don't know if this is helpful at all but I can tell you that I am uncomfortable when my husband goes to a strip club with his friends. I love and trust him all the way but like clubs...I know what strip clubs are all about and a little part of me feels sick inside when he goes. I have realized, that when his friends are all gung ho for the strip joint for the 25 cent PBR Happy Hour or whatever reason it is they want to go, that I am not going to say he can't go. I only tell him "Don't touch any chicks when you're there and I will be fine" LOL. I have finally settled with the thought that I have to trust him no matter what. That is what the relationship is built on and even though others don't always honor that, I have no reason to treat him like he won't unless he gives me reason to otherwise. If he wants to be with me then he will and that's it. Good luck with you girl. It sounds pretty normal to me.

[–]Serpio 13 points14 points ago

I'm hoping this will make you feel better. I'm married and I still go to dancing with my girlfriends maybe once a month. We just really like dancing and music. It's a blast to let loose and just enjoy the atmosphere. I'm not even remotely interested in any of the guys there. If a guy comes up to one of us we have a plan to get out of the situation. One of us says we have to go to the bathroom and then take the other girl with us. Also we avoid eye contact like the plague.

[–]glass_house 39 points40 points ago

I'm a 21 year old girl and I avoid the clubs when I have a boyfriend..It's been my experience that guys go out to them to find women, and girls go out to get attention from men. A very sexually fueled environment and both my boyfriend and I are uncomfortable with each other going to them alone. We came to a mutual agreement a year ago to not go out without each other (reddit might hate that, but it made us both feel more comfortable) What you feel isn't abnormal at all!

That being said you guys aren't on the same page and if you're uncomfortable you should talk to her. Your insecurity won't just "go away" unless you talk, maybe going out for her is the only way she can see her friends, and if she's only going out every so often I think you guys can compromise.

[–]AMerrickanGirl 21 points22 points ago

I used to go just to dance, even if I had a partner. Not everyone is there to get laid.

[–]highfiveunicornbob 24 points25 points ago

I'd like to think I'm secure but this may be indicative of any insecurities I may have.

Yup.

Do not take out your insecurities on her. This will only lead to the dissolving of the mutual trust and respect you have for one another. I have been out to 100,000 clubs in my time (I'm an electronic music fiend and love to dance), half the time without my SO, and I have never had any compromsing situations. A guy gets too close? I politely tell him I have a boyfriend. He doesn't care? I tell him to fuck off. A guy gets physically aggressive with me? Either I take care of it myself (I have gotten up in peoples' faces when needed) or my friends/bystanders/bouncers help stick up for me. I have too much to drink? I get help from my friends to get me back home, or I call my SO. Plain and simple. If you truly trust her - don't worry about what is happening at a club. If you don't trust her - communicate. But don't just sit at home and stew. Plus, maybe try going with her at least 1 or 2 out of every 5 or 10 times she goes. It might grow on you with the right environment, or at least you won't just have the chance to grow some grand dellusions about what's actually happening in the club.

[–]wanderingsong 19 points20 points ago*

I don't understand why this is getting downvoted so far, and it makes me sad-- because I'm also a girl who's an electronic music maniac. I don't take drinks from guys trying to hit on me, I wave away the attention and the creepers-- but I go clubbing on a ridiculously regular basis, because I'm there for the music above all, the friends second, and the dancing third. Nothing more than those three things.

If people want to keep downvoting this, go ahead, but I'm really sorry that reddit can't seem to accept the possibility that there exist perfectly level-headed girls who enjoy clubbing & electronic music & dancing enough to treat it as a normal hobby that doesn't involve trying to bait men and cheat on their SOs.

[–]LibertyDaughter 11 points12 points ago

She goes to dance and have a good time with friends. Projecting your own insecurities on her without cause will only push her away and make her resent you in the future. If it makes you that uncomfortable maybe you should reanalyze your relationship with her. Everyone needs time with their friends without their SO lurking about or giving them a hard time about it.

[–]Still_In_Beta 6 points7 points ago

I've been in a relationship for nine years. We're both happy (I assume he would tell me if he wasn't, we're good like that). The rule we follow is that we're not cheating unless we're cheating. I go to clubs and dance. I also flirt when I'm there. I think it's good for me to go out and talk to cute guys and feel pretty. I have never once cheated. I've never even come close to going home with anyone. I don't walk around the club yelling that I have a boyfriend, but I never say I don't when asked. When I get home, I tell my boyfriend all about my night. I don't do things that I would have to lie about, so I never have lie about it when I get home.

[–]notjawn 2 points3 points ago

Yeah its normal and to be brutally honest, not much you can do about young girls who want to go out and party. Either try to join in if you want or do something else on the nights she goes out. Just deal with it as it happens and if it comes to the point where its like every night and she doesn't check in or come back home, just know you're going to have to end the relationship.

Hopefully she'll grow out of it soon, but man really I don't think girls grow out of the party phase till at lest 23-24 and some never do.

[–]kShade 57 points58 points ago*

Hi there fellow introvert. You are dating an extrovert. You are describing a situation I was in not too long ago. You are justified in your concerns but it honestly has little to do with your personal security. Your fears most likely stem from a lack of trust in your girlfriend. You can say you trust her all you want but we can only glean the surface of your relationship from what you have typed. There are hundreds of thousands of situations that you have experienced with her through body language that would tell a story all on their own.

If you are uncomfortable with the kind of extroverted activities like clubbing, bars, large parties, concerts etc like I am then likely the relationship you are in is probably not for you. Far be it for me to tell you whether you should be with this girl or not, but I want you to dig into your mind and think through how much stress this is causing you and figure out whether or not its worth it to you that you continue it.

You shouldn't have to change for her just like she should not have to change for you. Asking her to stop because it makes you uncomfortable is, unfortunately, not a fair thing to do. Either you learn to deal with it by finding something to do when she is away or you tell her that its too much for you and move on.

I really want to stress one last time that you are justified in your concerns. Not because the activity automatically makes you a slut or a flirt but because your experience with this girl over the last year has influenced you to feel uncomfortable in a big or a small way.

Let me stop sugar-coating this subject for a moment. A club is an ultra-sexual, dark, inebriated room with loud music dampening your external senses. It is easy for people to get lost in the music and just lose control in a sort of "high" (this is from what previous girlfriends and their friends have said, I don't experience this). Guys are prowling for girls to grind on and honestly its just a volatile activity for her to be involved in when she is in a committed relationship. Having experienced the club scene many times over the past few years and never caring for it much, it can get borderline ridiculous.

Anyone who disagrees with that last statement is likely insane.

[–]rudegrrl 15 points16 points ago*

I'm a little put off by the comment that if is unfair for him to change and vice versa. Not changing the other completely is true, however isn't the core of most long-term relationships compromise!? Perhaps she could go clubbing a little less, and maybe the OP could try clubbing with his lady a few times himself. Perhaps if they're both open and dialogue with each other about his feelings vs. what actually happens at the club his reservations will be alleviated.

[–]CunningTF 8 points9 points ago

This was all I thought when I read this. r/relationships is often far too quick to be all like dtfma... this isn't a big issue. I know plenty of girls who go clubbing regularly, despite having bfs. It doesn't mean they cheat!

[–]rockmediabeeetus 3 points4 points ago

Exactly!!!!

[–]kShade 1 point2 points ago

I stated my opinion on them, some will agree others will not. I never said that clubs were a terrible hive of scum and villainy. I said that it is primarily a hyper sexual and intense experience. So being cautious when sending his lady out on her own is understandable. I think I was even fair for the most part.

[–]Capn_McSlappy 30 points31 points ago

Many good points here.

However, consider that maybe you could learn to have fun clubbing. I get it, I'm a total introvert, and it's hard for me to go out even with friends sometimes.

But as it turns out, dancing is a lot of fun. Drinking can be, too, in moderation. If you love and trust each other, you can have quite a good time dancing together.

Dancing gets girls hot. Dripping wet. Dancing in a club or bar is like having sex with music. Dance with your lady. She wants you to dance with her. It doesn't matter if it's not for you, because it's for her. She'll fuck you like crazy, so you get something out of it, too.

Or maybe not. kShade's advice is good. Some relationships can operate with one going out and the other staying in. But if you go clubbing with her and start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little on accident.

And did I mention the fucking?

[–]kShade 3 points4 points ago

Clubbing was never really my forte but I did give it a hanger on numerous occasions. The fucking is good.

[–]Capn_McSlappy 8 points9 points ago

Yeah, I didn't do it, either. I would always feel jealous of the people who could run out there and put their arms in the air like they just don't care. Plus, as you said, they're ridiculous. I regret a bit now not putting more effort into it, at least when a girlfriend wanted to go.

Having fun with your girlfriend is always a good time. :)

[–]kShade 6 points7 points ago

I experienced a high amount of exhaustion mentally after a lot of sensory stimulation so I frequently had to take breaks. Damn my personality type.

[–]Capn_McSlappy 4 points5 points ago

I know the feeling.

[–]The_MadStork 70 points71 points ago

Sorry, this is bullshit. Even if he's an introvert, it has nothing to do with that and everything to do with his own trust issues. Maybe he should bite the damn bullet and go with her to the club once in a while. At least that would soothe some of the concocted fantasies swarming in his head as he stays home and waits for her... and who knows they may even have fun and build a stronger bond! :o

Also wtf /r/relationships, I know this is reddit and all but since when are clubs these dens of mindless and dishonest sexual perversion? Shit, I've gone to the club with friends and w/o my SO and had a lot of fun without even thinking about flirting much less cheating

[–]coolkid9 21 points22 points ago

Yep, it is bullshit. Being an introvert doesn't mean you hate doing large-scale social events. That's called social phobia, and it's a problem he may need to work on.

[–]Sleipnoir 6 points7 points ago

Social phobia would be a fear. Not just a dislike. Disliking large crowds is not social phobia.

[–]betterth 15 points16 points ago

Being an introvert doesn't mean you hate doing large-scale social events.

Exactly. I'm an introvert but I can do parties, bars and clubs just fine. I can socialize, be merry, have a great time and help others have a great time too.

But that's not my norm, that's the exception. I recharge at home alone, or with a small group. I spend most of my time alone, not 'out' or in large groups.

Introverts get a bad name sometimes.

[–]MaoTsetung 9 points10 points ago

Do you know how many relationships have stories about bad shit that happen at the bar, here (/relationships)? Do you know how many fucked up situations could have been averted if people just would have chosen not to drink?

The OP has a right to feel how he does. How often do you hear about people doing careless stuff at...lets say...the library?

It's always:

"I got drunk and kissed someone else at the bar last night."

But it's never:

"I was at the library and kissed someone else last night."

Of course a person can go to the bar, and nothing bad happen. But when crazy shit happens it's always at the bar. Never at the library, Bible study or grocery store. The bar is a space away from morality, sorry, it is. There is a reason all the fucked up stories seem to happen at the bar, because it's the place where it's ok to cut loose and do shit you wouldn't normally otherwise do.

[–]Science_and_Sports 20 points21 points ago

You can't blame the bar for things people do. If people cheat at the bar, it's not because they were drinking alcohol, it's because they are shitty people who cheat. Let's not sugar coat what cheating is and blame it on alcohol or the environment. In every way, shape, and form cheating is disrespectful and not the moral course of action.

If you personally cannot go to a bar without cheating, then you shouldn't go to bars when in a relationship, but you can't extrapolate that to all people.

[–]kShade 0 points1 point ago

You cannot blame the bar for their drinking, you cannot blame the alcohol for their cheating. But they can and that is a crucial distinction. People like this are not as uncommon as you would expect. They feel like doing something so they get inebriated in one way or another and do it. Then beg forgiveness crying that they "had one too many" or some other nonsense. Men and women are guilty of this and from personal experience it is not an isolated event and it is horse-shit.

[–]The_MadStork -2 points-1 points ago

For real, and cheaters meet people at the library too, btw.

[–]kShade 0 points1 point ago

Fucking in the library is awesome, in their defense.

[–]notcaptainkirk 4 points5 points ago

It's always:

"I got drunk and kissed someone else at the bar last night."

But it's never:

"I was at the library and kissed someone else last night."

The booze is just an accelerant, or a catalyst. It was always going to happen, eventually.

[–]kShade -1 points0 points ago

Just a lubricant for an excuse.

Huh, not a bad metaphor if I do say so myself.

[–]kShade 6 points7 points ago

You are justified in your concerns but it honestly has little to do with your personal security. Your fears most likely stem from a lack of trust in your girlfriend.

But I said that already. It definitely has something to do with him being uncomfortable with clubs, otherwise he would be happy to go. There are several dozen different factors that are making this situation, just because one of those factors is minor does not mean it is not meaningful.

[–]alittlegnat 14 points15 points ago

nothing in what he wrote indicates he's an introvert. this simple act of going to a club is not an extrovert activity. you even mentioned going to a concert is an extrovert activity. you're making a lot of assumptions based on very little information probably mirroring how you feel about yourself.

he never said he was going to ask her to stop and he actually realised it isnt a fair thing to do. he is merely asking if insecurity is a normal feeling. it is. it's how you react to the insecurity and he seems to be willing to communicate w/ her which is the first step in overcoming that insecurity.

your "sugar-coating" is a closed-minded view of what clubs are and only seen from your perspective. not everyone goes to a club to flirt and/or fuck. true, this is probably on the mind of many men but sometimes a girl just needs to dance with her friends. your view basically says only single women should be in clubs.

so yes, i disagree with your last statement.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

Your 'ridiculous' is another man's cum stained jeans. Bump it. Grind it. Make it hot. Blah.

[–]kShade 1 point2 points ago

Oh, I won't deny that its fucking hot but if I ever felt inside that it would be a bad idea to let my SO go to a club with her girlfriends without me, it would be a good sign that something is hindering my ability to trust her.

The only time it should alarm you is if you continually ask to participate in group events with her friends and she keeps making excuses about why you can't come. A few in a row and it should start to raise the hair on your neck.

[–]DVsKat 1 point2 points ago

I believe this situation goes beyond insecurities stemming from simple introversion & extroversion.

Also, the club "experience" might reflect your description for many people, but certainly not all. You're basically suggesting that he stereotypes his girlfriend & makes decisions based on that. She is an individual, not the "average clubber." Yes, she might match your description perfectly, but she also might be an even more extreme sexual temptress, or far more conservative!

[–]kShade 1 point2 points ago

Fair point, I agree with you. I suppose that my wording could have been more carefully chosen. I am not trying to throw her into the bin with the average clubbers. I do not know his girlfriend nor will I likely ever know her. She could be any of the extremes you suggested or perhaps somewhere in-betwixt. However, I do not think that I am off-base in putting a crucial roll with the difference between an introverted person and an extroverted person.

I may be completely off base but if the OP were an extroverted male I would almost immediately expect the story to have him going to the club with the girlfriends and his girlfriend. Wouldn't you agree? I see many parallels between his reaction to this new experience as I had when I first experienced it. I could be wrong, I am ok with that.

But to get back to the main point. You are right in saying that it is not simply the difference between extroversion and introversion. It is a thousand other complexities that you and I will never be able to see because we have never met this couple. But, in the broad spectrum. Knowing why you feel a certain way about something is more important than "is it ok to feel this way."

In fact, I never challenged that question to begin with. Feeling is ok, you cannot always control how you feel about something and it is ok to feel the way you feel. Understand why you feel the way you do will lead to the solution. Not affirmation from even hundreds of Redditors will make the actual feeling go away.

He needs to figure out why and the easiest way to start is by understanding the differences between introvert and extrovert personality types. Whether he is or is not an introvert does not lessen the insight that he will garner from knowing how and why he feels the way he feels about his girlfriend going to a club.

[–]Ferhall 0 points1 point ago

Actually there are a wide range of introverts. It has to do more with thinking inside your head for mulling thoughts over while extroverts express it outwards. Some types of introverts are more prone to disliking social situations because it doesn't vibe with them while others work well in them. You probably know that already though.

I do agree with introverts and extroverts usually having these problems; however, i do think that if they are willing to work on it being on both sides of the coin can bring a lot to a relationship and help improve the maturity of both parties.

[–]kShade -1 points0 points ago

Absolutely agree, but they would both have to really want it to make it work.

[–]kacianfa -4 points-3 points ago

Perfectly said.

[–]gtfolmao 9 points10 points ago

It's not unusual. My boyfriend doesn't even have to tell me if he's uncomfortable with it, I can just tell he would be. I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm fighting guys off of me that are trying to dance with me cause I feel that's all that's going to happen and it just seems exhausting. That's all clubs are good for.

She should go to a bar instead. Same loud environment, potential dancefloor, ability to have a fantastic time with friends (and maybe even be able to have a conversation over the noise), less emphasis on the dick + butt grinding bullshit.

[–]wanderingsong 4 points5 points ago*

OP, I really have to emphasize that clubbing is not always a sexualized thing and, in fact, many girls in stable relationships (myself & several of my friends included) go to clubs because they're fans of club music or electronic music, or because they treat dancing like any other thing to do in their free time, just as other people would go to jazz clubs or nice cafes to unwind on weekends. I basically agree with EVERYTHING highfiveunicornbob said in this thread, and please don't make that generalization. Good luck with your decision.

[–]pyrobyro 1 point2 points ago

I used to be like you, but I'm pretty sure I passed that now, so I'll give you my perspective.

First off, I thought that the club was pretty much all about the grinding, flirting, etc. I mean, that's sort of the gist, but that's not really all there is. But that's the problem. I kept telling myself that that was it. It's like assuming that going to a bar is only to pick someone up or to get picked up, and nothing else. If your SO went to a place like that, then yeah, you should be uncomfortable. But that's not how bars work, so I'm sure there's no problem there. Same with clubs.

So anyway, I finally went to a club with my friends in college. It took 4.5 years (transferred schools and majors so I stayed a 5th for relevant credits), but I went. In the beginning of the night, we all danced together. It was mostly as a group, some of it was close, but nothing that would have bothered me with any SO. I mean, even when I was uncomfortable with it, if I had seen an SO doing it, I wouldn't have cared. It was completely harmless, and it was kind of fun. Not my thing, but I understood.

Then, I got wasted. Alcohol really is liquid confidence. I didn't give a shit anymore, I was relaxed, and I could actually move to the music. It was an incredible feeling. I was overweight, I normally wouldn't even think about dancing with a random girl, but when I was drunk, I tried to dance with everyone. It was a fucking blast. I even danced with 3 smokin hot girls that sort of looked away at first, but I kept dancing anyway, and then they surrounded me and danced. Amazing. Sober, it's seriously no fun for me, because I can't get into it, but drunk, I loved it. Went three days in a row the first time I went. I still don't really want to go clubbing, but there's a new girl, and she likes dancing, so I'll have to see how that plays out.

I guess what I'm saying is maybe to give it a shot, or maybe to get drunk. Like I said, not really my thing either, but once I was drunk enough, I had a blast. And being able to cut loose with an SO? That sounds amazing. It's one more thing that you can experience with her. Plus, you're guaranteed to take her home at the end of the night.

If you can't enjoy yourself at all at the club, no matter what, then you have to trust that she won't betray yours. There are other ways to have fun than to grind up against any guy there. If that doesn't work for you, then find someone that fits your lifestyle.

One last piece of advice - the whole idea of being insecure, uncomfortable, untrusting, or whatever it is, is really just a preventative measure as far as I see it. You're hoping to either catch something before it happens or to see it when it does, so you can act immediately. I think if you're smart, that most people that are close to you can be trusted, but we have this twisted idea that they can't. But even if they can't, what can you really do? If they do something, there's nothing we can do about it, but we'll find out if they do, and we can deal with it then. There's no point to ever feel uncomfortable. It doesn't help. It's just worrying. Either do something, or don't let it get to you. You'll be much happier that way. Since I've let go of my worries, my whole life has flipped around for the better.

[–]criskyFTW 1 point2 points ago

yes. a thousand times yes.

[–]freeman08 1 point2 points ago

I feel the same buddy, when they go to parties as well. I don't stop her but I get restless

[–]Caseyymarie 10 points11 points ago

It is completely normal to feel this way. Clubs were designed for the young, sexual and flirtatious. Maybe you can talk to her and suggest something you both can do. Because this feeling of insecurity will never go away.

[–]Daring_Advice 13 points14 points ago

Maybe he can work on his issues so she doesn't have to give up doing something she likes?

After all, maybe her friends need a wingwoman?

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Daring_Advice 19 points20 points ago

Or he can get over his insecurity! She's not making him insecure, he is insecure.

Look, I understand compromise is a necessary skill when in a relationship. And I'm not a club person myself; I find them too pretentious. But there's more to going out than trying to hook up, even if you are getting all dolled up.

[–]Matthieu101 5 points6 points ago

The whole point of a "wingman/wingwoman" is sexually based. They help you get laid by dealing with the annoying/ugly/etc. friend of the person your buddy is trying to get with.

I am totally ok with letting my girlfriend be independent, but there are certain environments that I know would make it really uncomfortable for both of us.

Like fraternities/sororities. We both don't go, and one night I even spent 30 minutes walking home because the people I was with were going in. It's just not a safe/trusting environment to be in.

I can be fine with my girlfriend doing literally anything, except for going to sexually fueled places. How would she feel if I went to a strip club every other weekend? Pretty bad. How would I feel if she went to fraternities every other night? Very shitty.

For the situations where a guy is being too controlling, like not letting his girlfriend go out AT ALL without him and can't even see her friends, yes it's wrong. But when you start talking about clubs/places where the scene is all about having sex, then it starts problems.

[–]anitasmokeajoint 1 point2 points ago

if my boyfriend wanted to spend his money at a strip club- go for it! what's so wrong with that? we've gone together and that's fun, but if wants to go by himself I'm fine with that. I completely trust him. chances are, even if he was single or that type of guy to ignore a commitment, he probably wouldn't be bringing one of the strippers home... he doesn't have a good enough job for that. as for me, I detest clubs. terrible music, I'm not all that into dancing, and yea, sleazy ass guys give you terrible pick up lines. however one of my best friends goes almost every weekend. she's my best friend and of course every so often she wants me to come. and I will.. to be a wing-woman. not to handle the ugly guys.. she can deal with them herself. to make sure she doesn't go home with any of them and only gets numbers, or doesn't get some guys number who I know to be a creep. I AM a girl and I do like to get pretty. I love wearing heels, putting on makeup and doing my hair, not for guys, for me. and it's extra special when girls compliment my shoes :3 as an added bonus I get to drink, and the club she goes to has a strip pole. I used to know how to use one and I still enjoy doing it. I wish I had one in my house. none of it has to do with guys, unless it's the warm fuzzy feeling I get from telling a pushy douchebag that I have the best boyfriend a girl could want.

[–]Matthieu101 0 points1 point ago

That's fine and great for you, but most people just aren't comfortable with it for good reasons.

I wouldn't even consider it a trust issue or anything like that, it's just the setting is not one that people should want their significant others around.

Of course its fine for some people though! I mean like you said, you'd be ok with it.

To me, sex is one of the most important aspects of the relationship. We are completely exclusive to only each other and any sort of straying from that monogamy is incredibly hurtful and insulting to both of us.

In the same way it's insulting to me if a bunch of guys are slobbering over banging her and they're grinding their dicks on her, it's insulting if I pay a girl money to rub her tits/ass all over me.

If the OP had your kind of attitude, the post would never have been made! That's great for people who can be that comfortable with their sexuality like that. But what the OP was asking is if it's normal to feel uncomfortable with that, and yes it's a completely normal feeling in that situation!

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]Sic1337 26 points27 points ago

Even if there are 1000 douchebags, if she is trustworthy she won't give them the time of day, much less accept their drinks or grind her body against theirs.

[–]highfiveunicornbob 25 points26 points ago

I don't really get why this is getting downvoted so hard. Are we talking about being afraid for said gf's personal security (in which being around 1 or 1,000 douchebags could be dangerous) or are we talking about OP's insecurity about his relationship (in which being around 1 or 1,000 douchebags could be tempting to her sexually)?

I am an independent girl in a relationship who travels solo, goes out solo, loves to dance, and stands up for herself at clubs. I can generally defend myself quite well. I'll have polite conversations with people, but I don't accept drinks, I don't dance with others (I don't really like to dance with other people anyway), and I don't talk with them if they are overtly hitting on me, which is what I think Sic1337 is trying to defend as proper behavior for most people in a relationship when inside a club without their SO.

I think women have to be conscious, especially when traveling/going out alone, of their surroundings - don't go to a club that has a bad reputation for girls being taken advantage of, don't go to a shady part of town, etc. But I fucking hate it when guys say, "I trust my girlfriend, but I don't trust the guys around her" because it feels like a thinly-veiled excuse to try to lock her in for her own safety, and I think that conversation needs to be shifted much more to "am I actually concerned that my girlfriend will cheat on me when given the chance, or am I so concerned for her safety that I am worried about her going to a place that she will be taken advantage of?"

Both questions require clear communication within a couple. If you're afraid for her safety, talk with her about it, see her plan for keeping safe, and express to her your concerns. If you're afraid for her to cheat, figure out if it's a real insecurity because it could happen, or if your jealousy is simply growing out of control, and talk to her about it either way so you can have some sort of resolution.

I can't imagine my life without going out to clubs to dance (I am super into dancing to certain genres of electronic music, and will go out by myself, with my SO or in groups) and I hate this notion that going out by myself, just because I'm a girl, immediately makes me helpless and at the mercy of the gaggles of assholes that also frequent these clubs.

[–]kShade 0 points1 point ago

Jesus fucking Christ. Where do you live and where can I find more women like you?

[–]somalipirate 8 points9 points ago

what, are they gonna RAPE her? if she is trustworthy, she is trustworthy. No matter what the guys there are like.

[–]MogRules 2 points3 points ago*

I have been in this situation with my current wife and as close as they are it was also different....it wasn't that I didn't trust her, in fact it was her friends that I didn't trust at all. My wife would never do anything to hurt me or ever even consider flirting with another man unless we were no longer together ..... that being said she would go to clubs with her friends and have a girls night which was completely fine. Where the trouble would come in was me and her best friend, who should have been looking after her and preventing her from getting into trouble should it arise, did not see eye to eye and I knew that she was a manipulative cunt....and she would intentionally feed my wife to much alcohol and then tell anyone that she was hitting on her that she liked them and they should keep hitting on her in the hopes that she could push her on someone else and in doing so break us up..... She even went so far one night as to message about 15 different people on Facebook and track down some guy that was hitting on her on the dance floor and tell him to send her flowers and to keep pursuing her. Now I couldn't prove this at the time but try letting your SO go out and have a good time and not feeling like you should be there just to make sure someone else does not slip her a drug or something because you know there is no one watching her back, and try telling her this when it is her best friend that she has known for years, you can't you just let her go and hope that one of the other friends is a little less of a skank. This problem has long since been rectified and the friend is no longer in our lives, her devious nature was found out and my wife came to the conclusion she was not the friend she thought she was. Now she goes out and I know that she is in good hands as her true friends will watch out for her and I don't worry at all, I can actually enjoy an evening with my friends and know that she will come home safe and sound.

[–]Omega037 4 points5 points ago

If she goes out and just hangs with friends, then you need to lay off or even encourage her to have a good time. If she is going out so she can get hit on and flirt with guys, let her know it is unacceptable and if she can't handle it, break up.

[–]Wefoundlove 19 points20 points ago

Like she's going to admit if hitting on guys is her reason for going there.

[–]WolfManZack 5 points6 points ago

It's ridiculous to automatically assume that, when your girlfriend goes out with her friends, she's definitely hitting on guys.

If going out to bars is what she and her friends have always done, it's really corny and unattractive to want her to stop.

Obviously this is different if she and her friends always went out to dance with and pick up dudes.

[–]kShade 6 points7 points ago

I am really glad that this subreddit is honest.

No girl would admit to it.

[–]Omega037 1 point2 points ago

Like you would actually ask her instead of someone else who was at the club.

[–]sitbackandwait 1 point2 points ago

I've gone out to clubs plenty of times to just dance with friends and grab drinks! You've been together for a year, you'll be fine!

[–]sleepnaught 0 points1 point ago

From my experience groups of girls go to dance clubs to dance and have fun. Men on the other hand go to try and hook up with girls.

[–]DVsKat 0 points1 point ago

I'm pretty sure that my boyfriend feels at least a bit uncomfortable when I go out dancing. He trusts that I don't have any deviant goals, which helps. I also call him when I get home to "let him know that I'm home & safe," which probably has more to do with just easing any anxieties that he may have, by hearing my voice & hearing a bit about the night.

Maybe you could ask her to call you at the end of the night as well.

[–]I-am-not-spartan 0 points1 point ago

Depends on the girl. I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend but I love to dance so sometimes I'll go out. Dancing to a lot of girls is just simply what it is. We aren't always trying to get hit on or give out our numbers. But some girls go out for the male attention aspect. Ask her casually why she likes them so much and it might put you at ease. If you really trust your girlfriend, you should try to work on your insecurities because you don't want to cause any fights.

[–]Pelican_bishop 0 points1 point ago

normal, yes. healthy or productive? no.

[–]monkeys1124 1 point2 points ago

If you are feeling uncomfortable when she's clubbing then you don't really trust her. Your lack of trust for her and your insecurities are getting the better of you. You know she likes to go clubbing, and there really isn't anything you can do but accept it. Maybe if you talk to her she'll go a little less, or you can go with her sometimes, just so you can get the idea of what is going on. If you love her you should compromise, it sucks i know.

[–]GyantSpyder 0 points1 point ago*

You ought to be concerned, but not for the reasons you think you ought to be concerned.

It isn't infidelity that should worry you, but the possibility that your interests are different enough from your girlfriend's that you're not going to be able to make it work.

She's going to go clubbing. It's an interest of hers, she's 21, and her friends do it. Girl's night out isn't really the issue at all. The issue is all the other times that you don't go. Picture here in a group of 7 - her and three couples, or picture at home on the couch with you when all her friends and their boyfriends are out.

Does this seem fun to you? Does this seem like the kind of thing that makes somebody want to stay with somebody else? The other guy's crotch is not the thing in this situation that threatens your relationship, it's those deadly nights on the couch when she wishes she were somewhere else.

If she likes to dance, but she never gets to dance with you -- well, frankly, how can you expect her to not dance with other guys at some point? Should she never dance with anyone ever? Maybe if you were married with kids - but just dating and in your early 20s?

People who don't like dancing for its own sake don't understand people who do. All they see is the sexuality and the crowds and the booze and the dark. But for some people, it's an important romantic and social bonding activity - an avenue for personal expression and mutual exploration. It's something you want to do, and you want to share it with people who matter to you - especially the person you love.

If you're dating somebody who likes dancing (and it's not necessarily the case that she does, but it seems likely), and you don't get it or like it at all, then you have to consider that maybe you need to get on board or get out of the way.

[–]Foxblade 0 points1 point ago

Yes.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

I'm not a fan of clubs myself but even when single I never used them for picking up guys. In clubs people hit on you not by wooing you with insightful conversation but by rubbing up against your leg. Like a cat. Girls aren't helpless against male attention, so despite dancing and drink your girlfriend should be as trustworthy as she usually is. And don't forget she has a big group of friends to assist her in removing any amorous gentlemen.

Basically, you have to think whether you really do trust this girl and if the answer is yes, then just accept that she likes clubbing and distract yourself for the nights she's gone. If the answer is no, then clubbing isnt the problem in your relationship.

[–]ginger_lover -5 points-4 points ago

DUDE. I don't care what anyone says. Your discomfort is justified.

She wants to get all dolled up to go out and look good and be seen and she LIKES it when she gets attention from men. That is the nature of clubs, my friend.

If she just wanted a night out with her girlfriends, why not go get coffee, or go knitting, or do some shit that normal, non whored out women want to do. Why a club?

That shit is bad medicine.

[–]somalipirate 3 points4 points ago

knitting.

[–]willsingforchocolate 0 points1 point ago

That sounds so wrong on soooo many levels.

[–]CovertAI -1 points0 points ago

I'm not in that "club scene" either, so I completely empathize with you. However, it sounds like your insecurities are based off of mistrust. Are you worried that she's grinding on other people? If so, let her know that other guys make you nervous in such a flirty environment. Just keep in mind: She's young and likes to club; you don't own her.

[–]iamnotfromtexas90 -1 points0 points ago

lets not beat around the bush. the club is only about sex/flirting/etc. its just how you far you take it

[–]Sic1337 -5 points-4 points ago

You are insecure, and you need to trust her unless you gives you reasons not to. Red flags would be like not coming home, not answering her phone for several hours. Only you know how she behaves when she is out with her friends or drunk. It's not normal to feel that way, because she should be able to have clean fun, meaning not flirting/emotional or physical cheating. If she knows that and assures you nothing like that goes on, then trust her. Her character counts a lot in this aspect. But if she tries to hide her phone/ use lingerie when she goes out, doesn't come home after going dancing, etc I would start questioning a lot of things.

[–]highfiveunicornbob 4 points5 points ago

I disagree with the not answering her phone for several hours thing. The main reason I go out is to dance, so sometimes I leave my phone in my car for safekeeping. Othertimes I just don't feel like checking it, especially not to be 'checked up on.' That doesn't mean anything shady is happening, because my SO knows when I leave and if I'm going to be home way later than I thought, I try to make sure to tell him when I have the opportunity (i.e. if I left my phone in the car, I'll try to text him on a friend's phone, or when I get back to my phone, but I'm not going to freak out all night just because I can't make contact). Also, sometimes I drink too much (never when I'm driving) and I just don't like to deal with my phone then.

Also, I mean, yes, there should be limits to how she dresses according to what is okay with both her and OP as a joint agreement, but it shouldn't be that what she wears (oh no! that top is too sexy!) is indicative of her faithfulness - sometimes a girl just wants to feel sexy for herself. Should a guy not go out with his boys wearing a slick dress shirt, expensive pants, cologne and fancy shoes because it might be too attractive to the opposite sex, or disrespectful of his partner? I personally think not, but moreso, I think it's up to a couple to decide what both parties are comfortable with, and the somewhat sexist and male-dominant undertones in your comment make me need to point this out.

The one point I'll agree on is not coming home. That is weird and not okay, unless both parties trust each other fully and agree that this is an open term of their relationship (sometimes my SO doesn't come/hasn't come home until super late or the next day, and my only condition is that he tells me if he's going to be later than like 4am so I'm not worried, because I trust him). But just straight-up not showing up at home and not saying why is weird, if it's more than a once-in-a-while "Shit I'm so sorry, I got drunk and lost my phone :(" kind of experience.

[–]Sic1337 3 points4 points ago

I'm sorry if my comment seem sexist, I didn't mean to come off that way. I agree with you that communication is key is determining what is acceptable for both parties. I don't mean to say that she should be checked all night on the phone, text, etc. What I am saying is that it is suspicious if she says she is coming home at say, 3am, I call at 5am and she is not answering. (Mainly because I had an expectation of her, and she didn't respect me enough to tell me she was coming later). She could leave the phone in the car, but we are talking about boundaries and respect. More than anything, is trusting the other person, whatever the gender may be that they are not going to do anything to damage the relationship. I.e. Dressing sexy is ok with me as long as she doesn't flirt with guys trying to buy her drinks.

[–]highfiveunicornbob 0 points1 point ago

See, this is all more reasonable. I'm just shooting for making sure we're careful of how we word things when talking about women and their role in relationships because it's too easy to roam into slut-shaming territory (i.e. the jump from "Is she dressing more revealingly than I am comfortable with?" to "She wore a tank top that showed her cleavage while out? The whore is cheating on you!") or archaic ideals of what a woman should do in a relationship (subserviently calling her male partner constantly to assuage his insecurities when the reality is that both partners need to communicate how often they would like to be contacted, if it doesn't happen naturally, and what the ground rules are if one party finds themself uncomfortable). I can see what you were going for, but it just came out wrong. Which is okay, and why I pointed out how it made me feel so we could discuss it like we are right now :)

[–]kShade 0 points1 point ago

A reasonable woman. I think its time to get off the internet for the night.

Edit: Just kidding girls ;)

[–]fatalclaw -1 points0 points ago

yes and for a good reason, if she goes clubing, she will cheat on you eventually..

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]pagirl 0 points1 point ago

This. If your intuition is ringing an alarm listen.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

I'm even okay with my guy dancing with other girls. I think its okay to feel a little jealous but not trusting the other person means something is seriously wrong...

[–]willsingforchocolate -1 points0 points ago

I love my SO very much, so I could easily go dancing at a club without doing anything inappropriate. If you are in a new relationship, just communicate about what is ok and not ok. As long as you both know your boundaries as a couple, there is no reason for worry. Also, learning those boundaries takes time. If her going out dancing is your most concerning relationship issue, you may be in a great relationship! If you know in your heart you trust her, it shouldn't be a problem.

[–]somalipirate -1 points0 points ago

it really depends on the club actually. is she going to RnB clubs (grinding-heavy) or some techno/dubstep nights? if it is the latter its really not this den of iniquity that all the reclusive sociopaths who have commented below seem to be imagining... people go for the music, to dance/take drugs and feel good. your girlfriend should absolutely not have to give this up for you.

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