Stepping out gracefully.

notheory · 3 months

By the way, you are wrong.

I remember Steve McConnell on a regular basis.

We weren't close friends after our 2 summers taking Japanese classes together at the local uni, but we both ended up there for our undergrad degrees. I saw him 2 or 3 weeks before he asked his mother if she'd go out and pick up a particular food for him, he went into the garage, doused himself with an accelerant, and lit himself on fire.

I lament that I didn't reach out to Steve more when he came to uni (he was a year younger and in his first year). I lament that his family broke up not long after his death. I wonder what he would have been like.

Is that mourning? I dunno, maybe? But actions have consequences, and you (all people in fact) do leave an impact on the others around them.

HeadxDMC · 3 months

I felt this same way. I decided that I wouldn't live to thirty so I'd just try and go out on my own choosing around 25. By the time I hit 25 I realized there's just so much to do and see that I was sad I wouldn't live to 30. I lived to 30 and I'd be sad not to make it to 40 or even 50.

Here's the thing, if you have this plan that you're not going to live past 25 then you need to go out and really start living. Do all the shit that you haven't been able to do or have always wanted to do. Not enough money? What've you got to lose, you're dead at 25, right? Not enough time? What could be more important than what you want to achieve if you've only got to 25 to do it? If you go out and start doing these things you're going to realize that you actually want to live you just don't want to live how you're living right now.

SQLwitch · 3 months

So, it sounds to me like what you crave more than anything else is for someone to understand what you are going through, without trying to change your mind or disagree with you about how bad it is for you.

It sounds to me like this need is so great that you're contemplating the sacrifice of your life to honour the intense emotions, because of how much it hurts to be you.

Usually when we are overwhelmed by thoughts of suicide, it means that something needs to change, but usually the message from our minds is a symbolic one. It means that something in us needs to change so profoundly that our minds can only represent it as the death of our current self. It's a tragic mistake to take it literally, but in our literal-minded culture, where we have lost the connection to the symbolic life, it is much too common.

scosgurl · 3 months

You sound so intelligent. Your brand of writing is something I've rarely come across in the internet or anywhere else. It seems a shame to me that such a talent should be put to waste because there are elements of your life that need fixing. I have some questions for you. You don't necessarily need to provide me or anyone else with concrete responses, but I implore you to just consider them for your own sake.

1) Have you ever seen a doctor or a therapist that you've talked to about your feelings? I understand that the issues that plague you are far from being so simple as to be cured by a doctor's appointment, but some of the things that you mention are familiar to me as things that have been experienced by myself or others that I know. If you haven't tried it, it couldn't hurt.

2) Have you ever written for yourself? Like I said before, you have a great talent for utilizing words (from what I can tell in a single Reddit post). Several years ago, writing was the one outlet I had that enabled me to get past the bad points in my life and celebrate the good points. I filled nearly 10 notebooks with my thoughts, none of which I ever shared with anyone. It's an option I always keep in mind when things get particularly rough.

3) Related to the above: I think that you would be amazing as a professional writer. It might not make any difference to you, coming from an anonymous poster on the internet, but I think you have amazing potential and I'd hate to know that the world never knew your writings because you left this world too soon. Just my two cents.

southernbelladonna · 3 months

Someone else asked if you had been diagnosed with a Autism Spectrum Disorder and I think this is a great question. Something about your style of writing seems...different. I'm not meaning that in a bad way. You sound very intelligent. But something about it reminds me of the writings of people with high functioning autism disorders.

But please do seek therapy before you take such a drastic action. Is it not logical to explore all options before doing something so final?

ipn8bit · 3 months

I have two friends who unsuccessfully tried to kill themselves. One need serious meds, the other just needed to get past it. Both have shared things with me that none of our friends know. One thing they both have in common is that they are both glad they failed. They are currently very happy. If you lived in TX, I would suggest you hang out with me.

jayesanctus · 3 months

Try counselling first. This sounds like concomitant disorders, depression being only one of the issues presenting.

What you're contemplating is the ultimate in selfish acts. You don't think you're going to hurt anyone, but you're going to severely hurt several people...damaging them.

I implore you to seek help.

Soap-ster · 3 months

this is very vague as to why you feel this way. Do you feel guilt? When did this start? Do you have a religion, and if so is this a driving force?

okiyama · 3 months

You seem immensely smart. Are you sure that you aren't being driven to depression from a mixture of boredom and understanding?

ster_ster_ster · 3 months

Hey man, the fact that you desire intimacy shows me that you have so much reason to hang on. 25 is still so young with so much life ahead of you. No offense but you sound like a pretty nerdy guy and the truth is that in this society life can be cruel for the intelligent and socially awkward when they are young, but when you have a brain like that life can only get better. When you are going through hell you have to keep going sometimes. You have so much more life to live and so much more to experience. If you REALLY think there is nothing good left in your life than at least try something different before giving up and offing yourself. Take what money you have and move somewhere far away. Do something you've always wanted to do. Skydive, go to the grand canyon, spend a month in a desert in africa, just do something! Don't give up until you have exhausted all of your options. What do you have to lose?

sniperdogruffo · 3 months

Have you ever traveled somewhere outside the U.S.?

There's nothing you'd regret if you went through it? Nothing you'd like to do, see?

CompulsivelyCalm · 3 months

Can I see a picture of you?

White_Hamster · 3 months

Do you mind giving us specific reasons for doing this? You've said that you don't feel like you belong, but that can mean a lot. Please?

rbusse · 3 months

hey man, made an account real quick just to point out all the strangers that seem genuinely concerned about you, regardless of why you're not fond of yourself right about now. i'm not sure of particulars, like a lot of folk here, but it's just something to consider. and also all the people that have started to like you, just based on the way you write and present yourself. surely that identity, anonymous though it may be is pretty deserving of playingtime. and... my first comment is long and naggy. sorry bout that.

BradC · 3 months

Please, please make a post over on r/SuicideWatch about this too. The worst case scenario is that they help you find something worth sticking around for, and you'll have to find another way to celebrate your 25th.

Newkingdom · 3 months

I would extend your date to 40, there is so much you could do while your still young.

MisterHandy · 3 months

Have you considered the possibility of or sought diagnosis for an Autism Spectrum Disorder? You feel you don't fit into this world but have you looked everywhere? What if there was a whole community of people who already understand you better than anyone else in your life ever has? Would you still want to do it?

Also, I highly recommend this film. It's about a failed actor who plans to commit suicide and decides to make a film about it. It may not be exactly the same as your situation but it does an excellent job illustrating the vast and unimaginable differences between suicide as a thought or an idea and actually going through with it.

Jimwoo · 3 months

You're going through a dark night. Wanting to die is the first step to living free.

I had a similar experience. Raised Christian, by a pastor with extreme views, I was to rational/logically minded for it, put a wedge between myself and my family. I wanted to die, but then I accepted the absurdity of nature. I talked to a counsellor about the overwhelming feelings I had, the sense of powerlessness I felt under the crushing forces of nature I could not change and I accepted it. Now it feels like I did die, and this is the afterlife. You can feel that way too. Please private message me, I'd love to talk to you about this. I know that suicide seems like relief, but you won't experience relief, you won't get that satisfaction, the only way to feel relieved is to accept what this world is, what it is to be alive, and then not take it so seriously. We do not lose in life as society would put it, we only gain experience. We come n to the world naked with nothing, then someone slaps us, we cry, and then we begin to accumulate the only thing actually worth anything, experience. Life is an adventure, and experience can be woven in to gold. You're nearly dead, and nearly free, just don't snuff out your potential. Please message me.

Millions of people relate to this song. You're not as alone as you think you are. Everything's going to be ok.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z_NvVMUcG8&amp;amp;feature=youtube_gdata_player

pubbs · 3 months

Sounds like it is time to take some big risks, I mean, you have nothing left to lose at this point, right? What have you always wanted to do but were too afraid? Sky diving? quitting your job, living in your car, and touring the country, to see all you can, you can always take the pills with you. Drive to South America! Find some adventure, see what it is like to be homeless for a month as an experiment, get a job for 6 months as a deckhand for someone rich who is getting ready to sail around the world on their yacht.

A lot of people think about suicide because they feel scared or trapped, and they see it as their last opportunity to have some control over their lives. If that's the case, just keep in mind, it won't work, you will be dead.

If it's just boredom, what the hell have you got to lose by taking some risks at this point?

IloveXanaX · 3 months

What type of pills will you be using?

SenseiSparky · 3 months

its such an interesting decision, to voluntarily eliminate your own consciousness. if i were to do it i would make sure people remembered me. off the top of my head i would like to go out freefalling in a wingsuit (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wingsuit_flying). it takes a little bit of personal investment to get to the point of actually getting to fall from a great height but once youre there you have so many options available to make your mark. rig up a live streaming webcam to your helmet (tethered to your cellphone) and decide where and when youll check out. make a date, announce it to a few forums (reddit for example) and make travel plans. do it in an exotic location, have a great vacation, spend all your cash but make arrangements for your cremation and postage back to your dad. go out flying into the side of a building, into the vatican maybe, or the sphinx...that would be cool.

worst case scenario, you dont make the news. best case scenario, you find a new passion for something and carry on living. but really...what do you have to lose at that point?

regeneratingzombie · 3 months

When you're dead, the chance for anything to change for you is zero.

fischestix · 3 months

What's the graceful part? I've seen the after math of quite a few suicides and none were graceful.

Cnife · 3 months

It was nice knowing meeting you. Farewell.

Caobei · 3 months

Have you made a bucket-list?

myballsyourchin · 3 months

You're very young, why check out now? I don't know you, but you seem to have the intelligence to get more out of life than you have thus far. I came to a similar conclusion as yourself years ago. I can tell you that I am glad I didn't go through with it. Feel free to pm me if you want, I understand where you're coming from.

mgnplz · 3 months

I lost a friend to suicide not long ago. He was around your age. I don't care how bad you feel right now, or how long you have felt that way, it can get better, if you are only will to try. Seek help. I have been suicidal in the past, and that is painful, but trust me.. There is no pain quite like the pain that is caused when somebody you care about commits suicide.

EDIT: Explained a bit better.

TheMadHatter_9 · 1 month

J, you have such an uncommon way of viewing life.

I'm not sure how truthful you are when you tell me you are okay, so I'm going to write to you under the pretense that you still plan to terminate your existense on Earth.

You are an excellent, intelligent young man; quirky and odd, yes, but amusing none the less. We don't know each other well enough, and the added distance in both age and location makes it very difficult for me to have an actual impact on your thinking, especially because you're incredibly stubborn. I would be quite negatively affected by your death. I would feel very guilty for not being able to do anything to change your mind. I would guilty for not be able to understand your oddities and letting you chase me off. I would think of you a lot, the way you tilt your head, your accent, that shrug you do as if you have no cares in the world,(which apparently, you do not). People care about you. Maybe you don't see it. You don't seem to see a lot of things. I hope you're not lying when you say you're okay. I hope the Navy really is a sign of improvement. You're not as bad off as you think you are. I hope you give yourself time to see that.

Also, thank you for helping me edit my paper.

GuffinMopes · 3 months

Anyone able to classify whatever is wrong with this guy?

dhvl2712 · 3 months

Sorry, but I won't try to talk you out of it. But let me tell you this, no one hates you for your decision. Some may consider it an act of cowardice or escapism, but forget them. Forget everyone. When you're finally at that point where you know you're going to kill yourself, staring down the barrel of a gun or whatever, don't forget that nobody thinks any less of you for doing this. They may say they do, but if they were in your position they'd feel very differently.

NotSureIfShould · 3 months

Wanna kill yourself? Nothing at all to live for?

Good. Now you can do anything you want.

Have some crazy dream? Wanna be a revolutionary/terrorist in the mountains of Peru? Head off. Wanna ride a motorcycle across Siberia? Get driving.

You have nothing to loose. What's to stop you from doing exactly what you want?

On an unrelated note, why do you loathe yourself? Think you're a bad person? If you wanna see a bad person, look at my post history. I'm a child molester and potential serial killer. What'd you do? Nothing to entitle suicide, that's for sure.

I wanna tell you to stop whining, but I know where you are coming from. Life is heavy sometimes.

But whether you believe me or not, this post of yours only shows one thing: That you want and need help. Why not check yourself into a mental health emergency room? You can always kill yourself later, so what have you got to loose?

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