This thread got me thinking XX.

grooviegurl · 1 year

I'm going to answer from two perspectives: the girlfriend and the girl friend, because most of my friends are guys.

As a girlfriend I think affection that is not purely friendly in nature should be reserved for me. Did he just give a girl he's known for 15 years a peck on the mouth? Was it culturally relevant? Did he do that before I met him? Do they have a romantic history? They were holding hands; were they watching a romantic movie alone together or was she afraid of slipping on some ice on the sidewalk? He spent the night at her house; did he sleep on the couch because he had too much to drink to be able to safely drive home or was he up to something? Did all of these things happen with the same girl?

You see where I'm going? I trust the person I'm with and certain occurrences can be colored a hundred different ways. He can be friends with anybody he wants, I just ask that he is deserving of my trust.

As the girl friend, I avoid being alone with a guy friend if I'm not already friends with his SO. Girls tend to be suspicious of me (all other women?) if they meet me after I've just spent time alone with their man. I refuse to be alone with a guy in a relationship if he's already tried to make a move on me.

anutensil · 1 year

I used to try and hide any jealousy, as I thought it was a sign of weakness on my part. But now, when I'm not comfortable with a situation, I tell him. He does the same, so it's worked out quite well.

We both usually broach this particular subject through teasing. Though we're using humor, we both understand that the other is serious.

Saydrah · 1 year

I'll breach my not talking about my relationship on Reddit rule to admit that I have a jealous streak about a mile wide. Not sure where it came from, it's a new addition--probably has to do with a past attempt at polyamory which resulted in the realization that traditional monogamy isn't a hardship after all, compared to the confusion I experienced with poly.

Anyway, that's my problem and I try to deal with it as such rather than making it his problem. However, he seems to have a psycho teenage girl magnet in his shoe somewhere, because these creatures (usually friends of his little brother initially) come out of nowhere and decide that he is OMG LOVE OF MY LIFE EDWARD CULLEN TAKE ME NOW I WILL PINE UNTIL YOU LEAVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR ME. I never met a female stalker until I got with this guy, and the poor fella, bless his heart, attracts them like some girls attract butt-pinching creeps. So I tend to have occasional mini-freakouts about the latest teenage girl who is chasing after him, even though intellectually I know damn well he's not interested either in cheating or in a statutory rape trial.

After much trial and error, what works for us is: If there's any reason to believe an opposite sex friend has a romantic or sexual interest in one of us, that person doesn't hang out alone with that friend. Otherwise, the etiquette is we tell each other about plans, call during the time with the opposite sex friend to check in if we'll be there longer than anticipated, and call when we leave. We also have an understanding that both of us get to be unreasonable about opposite-sex friends sometimes, and when that happens the other person will humor them within reason until the phase passes. Also, no drinking alone with opposite-sex friends. (That one applies more to me, since he can have a beer or two without being even tipsy, while I pretty much get drunk off a sip of anything.)

I think it's reasonable to expect a lot of communication and compromise on this subject, but it's not reasonable to expect that an existing friendship end because it makes someone in the relationship uncomfortable. Jealousy is a natural thing for most people even in a trusting relationship, so when it comes up it's important to be understanding, while the jealous partner is responsible for recognizing that they're being unreasonable and need to get that emotion under control as fast as possible.

Many props to my guy, though. His jealous spells are few and far between--he even suggested inviting a single male friend of mine for Thanksgiving dinner when he heard that this guy had nowhere to go.

[deleted] · 1 year

I have to agree with this commentor:

"If she can't have/make friends then you're getting close to the scary/jealous/controlling boyfriend line. Besides, if there were something up, why would she have told you about it?"

emmster · 1 year

My husband picks up what I call "stray women." He just seems to be a magnet for young women who have major drama in their lives. I guess because he's always calm and steady. I tease him about his "girlfriends" sometimes, but rarely has one of them expressed more than a friendly interest, and he very quickly shuts them down. So, I don't always trust his female friends 100%, but I trust him, and that's what matters.

big80smullet · 1 year

I'm cool with my SO hanging out with other guys alone, as long as she extends the same courtesy to me and my female friends. I'm pretty upfront about things if i feel uncomfortable though and I hope she'd respect that .

dogpenis · 1 year

As a male I see extreme jealousy as a lack of trust, hanging out with someone of the opposite sex is gonna happen. Of course I get jealous, but I have 100% trust in the girl I love and if she can't reciprocate that trust things ain't gonna work.

annarchistae · 1 year

Hanging out with a well established guy who you've met or shes known a long time, fine.

Hanging out with a new dude who just got her number and hasn't met you or even been mentioned to you? Shady.

reeksofhavoc · 1 year

Making "new" friends and not including your SO sounds weird to me.

I'm not the sort of person to 'kick it' with the opposite sex when I'm in a relationship unless I'm in an established non-sexual relationship with them and the SO is included in the hanging out and such.

ShinyRatFace · 1 year

It may just be my opinion but I think that if you have to worry about what your significant other is doing when they are alone with a friend you need to just move on and find a relationship with someone you can trust.

I'd trust my husband to spend time alone with any woman. I married him because I love him and trust him and he married me for the same reasons. He's never given me any reason to be suspicious or jealous and I doubt he ever will.

manofnothing · 1 year

Is spending the night with a friend of the opposite gender OK?

This is a serious question, not meant to answer this question.

junebug93 · 1 year

Sending signals that the relationship could progress beyond friendship is the line drawn by my SO. Flirtation and friendships with members of the opposite sex are fine.

Slubberdegullion · 1 year

I have many close male friends whom I am very affectionate with. And I used to have some of the old gang stay at my place if my husband was out of town. The only rule I had to follow was the rule that only certain two of my male friends are ever allowed to share a bed with me. Everybody else is on the couch or in the guest room. It was an easy compromise for both of us: I still get to have snuggle sleepovers with my best friends, and my husband feel comfortable having laid down his "rules." We even joke bout it.

Edit: Yes, even my ex has spent weekends alone with me at my place, but all we do it go out to dinner and watch movies and eat junk food, etc. My husband lets me invite him because 1) They are awkward together so ex could usually not handle a whole weekend with husband and 2) my husband likes me to not be alone and lonely while he's gone. So this is the best time to catch up with the ex, who lives a couple hours away. It's all on the up and up, and I love my husband even more for being such a perceptive, realistic man who values and respects my friendships.

yesiamanostrich · 1 year

My boyfriend is a weird paradox. He got seriously burned by a cheater once before but he trusts me absolutely. Even with my male best friend. Even with a different male roommate. He trusts ME. The rules are I am not allowed to live with any exes or one specific male friend that he doesn't like, trust or understand how I can be friends with. I can hang out with that friend with no arguments. I can go out with male best friend and all his buddies and have no arguments. I could probably even sleep over (couch) at make best friend's with no arguments. Because he knows I would never, ever hurt him like that. And he knew going in that I have not only a fuck load of friends, but that the majority of them are guys.

bearmace · 1 year

I haven't read that post. All my friends are guys. Once upon a time I had a gf, she graduated, and now literally 100% of my friends are dudes. If I guy couldn't deal with me hanging out with other dudes, it'd be a deal breaker instantly. (I'm engineering btw, no girls here)

SarcasticGuy · 1 year

\guy here

I feel like I should add a comment that may explain the pessimism seen in the other thread.

I myself would probably be bothered if my SO in a LDR suddenly had a new guy friend over until 2am alone in her room and only mentioned it after the fact in an off-hand manner. Apparently many other guys on reddit agree.

I would be much more comfortable if my SO understood that I might be concerned and informed me before hand. I'd also be okay with it if it were someone I knew. I know, because I've been in the OP's gf's shoes before, and this is exactly what I did: verified it was okay with my gf, who knew the girl, and made sure she was comfortable with it.

This isn't about preventing a girlfriend from having guy friends. We understand that guys make awesome friends. But this situation is a grey area, and I think most people understand that. Hanging out and doing stuff with guy friends is okay, but the exact circumstances related to in the original post can understandably make a guy uneasy.

MagicWeasel · 1 year

All my friends are of the opposite gender, with one or two exceptions.

Often, at parties, I'll hang out 1-on-1 with one of my friends whilst my boyfriend hangs with his. We're together so often that we like time apart in situations like this.

My best friend of 5 years is also a dude. We hang out once a week and go skating together. There have been several occaisions that I've stayed the night at his house, alone, just the two of us.

My boyfriend has never had a problem with any of this. He knows that I love him, he knows that he's the only man for me, and I know that I'm the only girl for him. I guess it's about how much trust is in the relationship. Perhaps the fact that my best friend is a pre-existing friend also helps.

I've never done anything to betray my boyfriend's trust, though I have had ample opportunities.

I mean, what if you were bisexual? Or lesbians?

Also for the record I'm not butch or manly. I'm girly and wear pink and have long hair and boobs. I just meet way more guys in my field :)

tl;dr It's about trust, plain and simple, and if your sweetie doesn't trust you to have a friend of the attractive gender I don't think that's a good sign.

UsernameUnknown · 1 year

I am very, very, very lucky. Around about the time my boyfriend and I started dating there was another guy that I was interested in. After boyfriendface and I hooked up I gave otherguy the low down and explained anything after that point was on a friendly basis. Much like I did to the guy who lived next door who asked me out two days after boyfriend face and I talked about being exclusive.

In both cases I gave my partner the heads up. Told him what was going on and asked if there was anything he needed to feel comfortable with me being friends with these people.

He point blank said no, it was fine, even if the other guys had intentions for me he trusted me.

He's also comfortable with my ex from 3 years ago staying with me if he ever needs to come up to get a break from the states.

Pretty much the only thing we're not comfortable with is if one of us lives with someone we were recently romantically interested in.

He's still friends with the girl he was chasing before me. They still hang out. They still talk. They still go for coffee. They are still friends. So it works both ways.

I think talking openly about it well ahead of time helps. So for example before I offered to put up my ex I spoke to boyfriend face about it "X has been depressed recently and feeling isolated. I wanted to offer to put him up if he ever comes up to Vancouver. Before I did that though I thought I'd make sure you are comfortable with that"

The fwb before boyfriend face was a lot more jealous and a lot more possessive and sulked for a week because one of my close friends from England came to visit and slept on my sofa (and we were not even dating).

Edit to add: Also I think my sexuality helps too. I'm pretty much into consenting adults that I find physically attractive regardless of gender or gender expression... so if he were to view people as threats pretty much every person would be a threat.

HungLikeJesus · 1 year

I have a lot of close guy friends who I hang out with, sometimes alone, just as I have a lot of close girl friends who I hang out with, sometimes alone. I'd be pissed if a boyfriend ever tried to keep me from hanging out with these guys, or if any of them got a girlfriend who didn't let them hang out with me. I feel that I should extend the same trust to any guy I date, and if I'm uncomfortable with him spending time with any girl, then there are already other problems we need to work on. The one relationship I've been in that had such trust issues was because he'd pushed very hard and repeatedly for polyamory, and the jealousy was a sign that we had mutually-exclusive relationship needs and it was doomed anyway.

horneraa · 1 year

I run the hard line:

I won't be that over-jealous boyfriend that jumps the shark every time she talks to another guy.

I won't be the guy that gets dumped after I let her fuck Joe Frat-boy for three months because I didn't want to violate her space.

Bottom line is, I don't get myself into a relationship I can't put 100% of my effort into. And the GOLDEN RULE: if shit goes south, you ditch her, and move on.

apothecaryrose · 1 year

My boyfriend and I have running gag we go with when it comes to people of the opposite sex. Any woman he mentions other than me and family is a lesbian and any man I mention other than him and family is gay. So we'll be talking about his group of friends and I'll say something like "you got some nice gay friends" or we'll be talking about my girl friends and he'll say "she's a nice lesbian." Certainly has us laughing.

There are times when I've gotten jealous female friends he's had for awhile. But he sees them very infrequently One is like a little sister to him and the first time I met her he gave me plenty of warning about her and reassured me that there was nothing I had to fear about her and him. I was a little apprehensive and jealous of their history (inside jokes and such), but I realized that I trusted him and if he said there was nothing to worry about there, I would trust that. It was my own insecurity that was causing the jealousy, nothing he did and nothing in his manner to warrant it. I met her and had no doubt about him being truthful with me over her.

Now as far as any of my friends of the opposite sex, well I don't have very many I keep in touch with. I just graduated from an all girls school, so all my friends were female. And have just started at grad school. I've met some guys there but I wouldn't go so far as to really call any of them friends yet. I don't really hangout with them outside of a school setting. I've made some female friends that I hang out with.

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