A few words on "Deadbeat Dads" and when they aren't.

ProlapsedPineal · 3 months

Just before this exchange there was a man before the same judge. This non custodial parent had injured his back shoveling his car out of the snow and missed a few weeks of work due to his injury. Because of this he was 3 weeks late on his child support payments. The judge ordered him to do community service until his back child support was paid back in full.

About here is when I went back to court to petition that my ex be brought up on civil contempt charges for not obeying the Judge's order to pay child support and get a drug test.

4 years of no child support now. There were a couple of payments here and there but 200 dollars over 4 years isn't really anything to mention. I bring that into the house just by recycling and turning in loose change.

At this time I figured out the total of what my ex wife owed plus the arreears and penalties. It was more than what half of the guys on the "dead beat dads" poster at the post office owed. Over $20,000. This didn't sit well with me as I'm all for equal treatment. I called up the Department of Revenue to find out if it would be possible to put her picture up with the other deadbeat parents. My ex had dropped off of the grid for about two years, we had no number, no address, and had no way of contacting her. It sounded like a reasonable thing to me. Equal treatment and all.

"We have different criteria that we use to decide which people should be put on those posters."

When bullshit is so shamelesly laid out on a platter before you, you know that the other party doesn't even care that you know that it's bullshit. It's a not entirely polite "fuck you".

At this point I made lots of calls to DoR asking if they could or would do anything at all to try and collect from my ex. They cancelled her drivers license. This was to be her reason for not being able to pay child support for the next 3 years.

7 years of no child support now. I had been laid off from a good job, my severanace had dried up, I was bringing my daughter (not the one I originally mentioned as having special needs) to medical appointments 3x now a week now due to other issues and was living off of unemployment. I started calling DoR again.

This is when I recieved one of many correspondances that refered to me as "Ms Lastname" and referencing my ex as my "ex husband". "He" and "she" were always used in the places where they shouldn't have been. I called up DoR to tell them that while I understand that these are probably form letters that it was frankly offensive to me, as a man and father who has sacraficed everything for my children to recieve a letter from the state that actually calls me* a deadbeat dad. I was a upset, but civil.

I was told that it was unacceptable that this mistake had happened, and that even though I protestesd that they would redraft the letters, make a note in a file somewhere and resend the ammended documents. That never happened.

What did happen however is that the DoR started to attach my unemployment checks $100 a week for back child support. Now I'm unemployed and instead of just not getting $400 a month in child support I'm actally losing $800 a month. I did anything a person could do to keep our ship afloat. The economy had tanked but thankfully I was able to get back to work in a related field.

At this point I've long given up on going to the court. I've paid out more in gas than I've seen in child support, not to even mention that I'm a busy man and I don't have time for a 6 hour field trip every month away from work, for nothing.

About now is when I'd done some sleuthing myself and became my own personal skip trace. If you want something done, you do it yourself. Remember the contempt charge? I found out where my ex was staying after her having been off the grid for a while again. I talked to everyone from DoR agents, to people at the court and the Sherrif's department. I gave them all clear information on phone numbers, locations of employment as well as her home address.

Two months and many calls later she was served with paperwork ordering her to go to court on the contempt charge. I was now working somewhere with 0 vacation days and could not be there for it. Two things of interest happened at the hearing. She got her child support payments reduced to $35.00 a week total. $1.66 a day per child. The other thing is she was told if she couldn't make a payment of a couple of hundred dollars within a month, she would spend a weekend in jail. I think she owed around $35,000 at this point with the arrears and penalties.

Zero child support and a month later she spends a weekend in jail and then starts making $35.00 per week payments. I pay more than that on school lunches every week. The next time she went to court she asked if the child support could be lowered again because our oldest had turned 18.

She'd done it. She waited it out, she was actually asking a judge to let her pay less support because she'd spent almost 10 years of not paying and her children were becoming adults.

Payments have happened sporatically since then. As I write this I wonder how long it would take to pay back just the existing, owed money at $35 a week, not including any new payments or trying to keep current. Pretty simple math, it's a thousand weeks. 19 years. She's paying nothing towards the back payments though, my kids will never see it. It's a terrible joke.

A friend of mine was two weeks late paying his child support due to losing a job last year. He was promptly contacted and told if he didn't pay all he owed within a week that there would be a warrent out for his arrest. The system became strangely, suddently, efficient.

This is nothing new. I moved in with my father when I was 15 and he had to keep paying my mother child support until I was 20, in the military, and was married myself. When I asked him about it he told me that even if he sometimes got a negative paycheck that it was still cheaper than fighting my mother in court to get the child support payments stopped. I didn't understand then, I do now.

I'm a bit jaded, but not towards women; one jerk does not a gender make. I'm jaded because in my experiance things like child support, custody, and the visitation of children is handled vastly differently by the courts and other entities entirely dependant upon the gender of the custodial and non custodial parents instead of what I thnk would be more appropriate - focusing on the needs of the children and not the gender of the custodial parent.

I've been vocal about this with all of the agencies involved. Not angry, just not afraid to bring it up calmly, and voice my observations and concerns. I've been regularly told that everyone knows that this is how it works, and it just is how it is. I think that's also a grand load of BS on a platter. We know the system is going to put children of single fathers at the bottom of the pile, and that's just how it is. Here's your spoon.

I'm making it work and will continue to do so, but I think it's important that people know that this story, even if it's rare, also happens. I'm an understanding person, I understand that many, many good people are trying to do their best working within an imperfect system. I would suggest however that the way that these laws and practices are meeted out is not done in a way that suggests that the best interests of the children is the driving factor.

When I see any system that chooses to not service the needs of any people for reasons that can be traced to an unwritten policy of differential treatment of persons based on race, religion, creed or gender I am offended. This has just been my personal experiance of being treated like a second class citizen. I know that I'm not alone and many many people have been treated much more unfairly than I have been. Like Louis C.K. jokes about, I'm white and I'm a man, what do I have to really complain about?

Single fathers are a small demographic. I haven't met any others in the wild. We don't have a lot of political sway. What we do have though is a lot of love for our kids, and we think they deserve to have our legal system protect their interests just as much as the children who are being raised by single mothers.

I normally try and punch things up with some levity, I'm just too exhausted when I talk about this subject to do it though. It's been 9 years of fighting this now and it's just not worth it to even care.

I got a call from DoR a month ago asking why I hadn't yet cashed a check they had sent me for $6 of child support. We talked a little, we both laughed at the absurdity of the situation. I have no idea where that check went, it was actually funny when I saw it, I should probably frame it.

Sorry for being such a bummer, but I thought a different take on things might be interesting. Almost 10 years later I still haven't seen a poster for "Deadbeat Parents", they're all still looking for "Deadbeat Dads". If I call up about it again I wouldn't be surprised if my face ended up on a poster in the post office.

My experiances are clearly only my own, and my opinions are obviously skewed based on my own life experiances. Your results may vary, and if they do, I'd be interested to hear about it.

Edit: I posted a similarly long story, albeit an older one with more levity, that answers many of the questions that I've been asked but now I can't find where it went. I'll grab a permalink for the interested.

*Edit2: Thank you everyone for all of the encouragement. I took the advice of a few people and made a blog thing to include some other tales of misadventure. http://astrangeandfulllife.wordpress.com/ *

skyquestg · 3 months

I understand your pain. My situation is similar but definitely not as bad.

My wife and I have been divorced since 2004, but for the last 4 years our two teenage boys have lived with me. Well, since the economy is so bad and Facebook is so addicting, she can't/won't get a job and lives on my couch. I've tried to kick her out, even got the police to look into it to no avail. Since she has custody she could take them to a shelter if she wanted to even though I have a two bedroom place. Anyway, we just went to court and since she has been claiming the kids
live with her and I'm nowhere to be seen (even though I have explained the situation to her case worker) she receives about $1100 per month of state assistance. So, instead of the judge throwing the book at her for still getting all of the state's money her turns around and tells me that I have to start paying her child support immediately! I explained to him that the kids live with me full time and she pays absolutely nothing to me as far as rent or anything and it wouldn't be fair to penalize me. He basically told me that it's my responsibility to pay for the kids. My ex has until April to show the judge that she has been at least looking for employment and then he will discuss me having to pay back payments of child support. Meanwhile, I work 45-50 hours and she sits on her ass all day and smokes pot. I come home to "my" place and can't stand to even be here. There's more but that's the gist. Thanks for letting me vent- it helps!

etcetra · 3 months

Have you considered contacting news network to cover your story? I would think this is newsworthy.

I know a single mother in similar situation If she didn't go out of her way to help her children(despite the fact that her ex made it really hard to do so) her kids would have been much worse off then they are now. You probably know this already, but please try to keep your head up, and be proud of that fact that you are giving a better future for your children.

velriq · 3 months

Between the swallowed pride, the utter devotion to your children, and the perseverance through these unfair trials, you are possibly my new hero. Your children are so very lucky to have you, you sound like a great father in how hard you try.

It's honestly depressing at the swing and miss society seems to make at equality. For all the feminist woes, it's amazing how they overcompensate and skew the balance yet again in stories like this. Best of luck to you and your children, and honestly, your ex has an arrest long coming. Can't believe she ever called herself a mother.

Chucmorris · 3 months

I think reddit is big enough to cause a ruckus. I can't begin to express the disgust that reading this is causing. Being a female or male shouldn't matter they should both be equally pressed to pay the fucking child support.

I feel like punching one of the people responsible, for their ignorance. (mainly your exwife)

Also, ProlapsedPineal, you are just an awesome person and don't forget that.

bellybuttonrapist · 3 months

I do Volunteer Income Tax Assistance services during this time of year for low income families, I remember last year I had a single father come in, in his late twenties, the guy had been laid off and was only able to bring in 17k, had a lot of child care bills too(thank god they're deductible) after I was done with his return I had gotten him back a little over 4 grand, I had never seen a man so happy, apparently that was around the amount that his ex-wife failed to pay in child support all these years.

Thanks OP, I was aware of some issues in the system, but not to this extent.

fajro · 3 months

Other subreddits that may like this crossposted:

Also, please do an AMA later.

xhosSTylex · 3 months

Single father here of an 11yr old. I'm saving this to read later, but certainly will.

My physical custody order also was achieved "suddenly". This is an uncommon thing due the plain biased in the family court system. A mother has to really "drop the ball" for a dad to gain primary custody.

I'll post later, once I've had time to read wall-of-text. Thanks regardless for sharing your story.

SadieWopen · 3 months

Wow! just... wow! I can actually confirm for you that this same type of gender bias is prevalent in Australia's child support system. My situation is slightly different, but remarkably similar at the same time. Before I go into my story, I would like to mention that there is such a thing as a "deadbeat custodial parent". Now here is my story to demonstrate exactly that.

My ex-wife and I separated October 2008, She left me and disappeared for (what felt like) a really long time. Together we had 4 kids and she had 2 kids from a previous relationship (the father in that case passed away). So here I am, suddenly a single parent to six children, whilst working a full-time job.

I approached social security (centrelink) about the situation, as Australia has a system for single parents to receive payments to help supplement the cost of raising a family on your own, and they told me I would have to wait for them to confirm that I was now the primary carer. To do this they had to contact the other parent, who had disappeared off the face of the earth, after 2 months of struggling by on half the household income I was used to centrelink finally called me to let me know that they would accept my declaration, but I needed to contact the Child Support Agency (CSA) to get an assessment first.

CSA is the WORST department of the government to have to call if you are a male. They immediately took the attitude that I was trying to con them into giving me money. Once again I had to wait while they called the other parent to confirm that she was no longer the primary carer. CSA waited 28 days and then called me back to say that since the other parent was not contactable that they would accept my declaration.

Great! I was going to start getting some money...

or so I thought

2 days after CSA contacted me my ex decided to show up on the scene, and by that I mean she collected all the kids from their daycare centres and broke into the house, packed up all their stuff and left. I personally couldn't understand how someone could go from no contact with their kids at all, to wanting to have them full time. I made a deal with the ex that if she were to move back into the house and take over all the payments, I would allow her to have 5/7 days care, and I would figure something out for myself.

So another call to centrelink and CSA occurred, this time I told them that I was no longer the primary carer. CSA immediately told me that I needed to start paying over 50% of my income to meet my commitments, centrelink (who still hadn't paid me a cent) changed their records and paid all the back payments to the other parent. I had a pile of debt that I had accumulated just because I had gone so long waiting for some financial assistance. The ex did not contribute to these debts, even though she had just received almost $10000 from centrelink for the 3 months that I had been carer.

At this point I was living in a car (my homeless times are another story) and my two days a week were spent with the children at my sister's place. This is when Child Welfare got in contact with me and informed me that I needed to participate in a course for negligent and abusive parents. This course took me out of work for 2 hours a week for ten weeks. I had to use my annual leave to attend this mandatory course and did not receive any compensation for the time I was compelled to meet with the social worker. One of the rules of this course was that I needed to have stable, suitable accommodation for the children or I could risk some form of prosecution for child neglect.

I ended up finding a house that was well above my means (my bank account was frequently in overdraft just to afford the bills) and the house was empty the majority of the time. It really did feel like the biggest waste of money, but hey, at least I was able to see my kids, and I wasn't going to jail for anything.

Things went well in that house (except for not having enough money for anything) and I thought maybe I could get back on track. Until one day the police showed up with a family violence order. On the order, the claimed violence was "physical violence between the 2 parties". What the order didn't say was that the physical violence was her against me. The order stated that I could not go within 50 metres of her house (which I was on the mortgage for), but that meant that I could be arrested for driving along a major arterial road, which just happens to be within 50 metres of that house. I was eventually arrested for driving along this road (I really thought that the order said I wasn't to loiter in the 50 metre radius) and spent a night in remand, I was treated like dirt, and I hadn't done a single thing wrong!

It was at this point I had to make the biggest decision I had been left with up to this point, I chose to never see my kids again, I was not going to risk another arrest for being a good person.

I know that the next couple of years of my particular story actually show the extreme bias that the Australian Child Support Agency displays in every interaction with a father. But I'm tired now. If anyone actually found this interesting I will continue my story later.

raydexx · 3 months

Wow, just wow.

I'm the eldest of 2 sons, from a broken family. Both my brother and I have done well for ourselves, both being old enough to have started our own journeys into the world. But your story really struck a chord with me.

We were lucky enough to have not had it as tough as you, but it was far from easy. My mother had sole custody, and our father the occasional visitation rights. During the divorce, my mother took literally everything away from my Dad. My Dad ended up living in a caravan park, because so nuch of his income was going to my mum to pay child support for my brother and I. My mother in the meantime, with my brother and I continued to live in a house that my Dad paid for.

My Dad has worked his whole life, at whatever work was at hand. He handed my mother everything, just to provide the best for my brother and I while he had nothing. He's battled with alcoholism, and depression, but he has never once let me or my brother down. Everything I am today I owe to him. While my mother who was handed everything, and has never worked an honest day in my life has done nothing but complain.

I know this is nothing compared to what you've done and been through, I wanted to share my small story to let you know that what your doing isn't for nothing, and that while the system is severely broken, at the end of the day your being a hero to your children, and while they might take a while to understand, they will love you, and even more to the point Respect you.

I sincerely wish you all the best

Throwaway120223 · 3 months

I'd like to chime in here. Hopefully you get the chance to read this. I'm 20 years old and come from a family where my mother is a deadbeat and as a result I along with my siblings have been raised almost entirely my father.

Somewhere between when I was 2 and 5 my mother developed a drug problem. She'd always been a smoker, pot and cigarettes, but somewhere along the line she developed a coke problem. I can recall people being over the house, sketchy looking minorities, who my mother would say were our new baby sitters but looking back were obviously drug dealers.

My dad was always a good business man but he had to make huge sacrifices at work to make sure our family was ok. We were never really in danger of going entirely broke, but money was tight for a while.

Anyway, back to my mother. For about 7 years my Mother was snorting coke daily. Apparently at one point she, high off her fucking ass, threatened to kill us (the kids) if my father didn't come home from work right away because she couldn't handle being around us. Unfortunately he had no way to prove in court that she made these threats.

My point for all of this is that my father knew that if he filed for divorce there was no way he would win custody because A. He was a man and B. My mom's family has money. Even without the money, he was still unlikely to gain full custody and he knew that there was no way my mother could properly raise us.

They're still married but I know once my youngest siblings are off at college as well that he will divorce her. But its so fucked up that the bias of the system forced him and us (the children) to live with this woman for 15 or so years when had the genders been reversed it would be an open and closed case.

slohcinretrac · 3 months

Are there no benefits as a veteran that you can tap into?

kisforkat · 3 months

I'm the daughter of a single dad. We kids know how hard it is for you, and respect you all the more for fighting the system and raising us. My dad and I never had much extra and it was probably more stressful for me to stay with him than to give me back to my mom and stepdad, but he never even mentioned it. He bought my tampons when I was too scared to do it myself, he picked me up from school when I was sick, and he made me the woman I am today.

There's no way I would be as strong as I am without his experiences coloring my childhood. While single dads may be a small and homogenous group, the children of single dads is a larger, more varied group of people. We've grown up suffering from the biases of the system. It is my hope that we will band together and somehow bring light to the seriousness of this situation.

Thank you so much for your story. I see a little of my dad in you, and that makes me smile on a rather dreary Sunday morning.

BlackDelegation · 3 months

I've heard similar stories from other single fathers, and I just really really hate this for you. You'd think there would be an advocacy group for all the single fathers out there. There are plenty for single mothers. I hope your situation improves soon. My condolences.

apostrotastrophe · 3 months

I realize this isn't an AMA, but how did you stay with a person like this for long enough to have three children? Did this kind of behaviour come out of a sudden change, or was it building up for years?

schismatic82 · 3 months

I initially approached your post with the sort of bias you have been dealing with, basically assuming it would be full of thinly-veiled misogyny and pathetic self-justification. I could try to explain that I have a deadbeat dad, but I still want to apologize.

It seems like you put in a lot of effort to provide as much detail as possible, and I must say that I find your story both moving and deeply distressing. I am utterly appalled at the bald-face gender bias displayed by the bureaucrats, the judges, the very system that is meant to be there to help you.

Your patience as you described it is legendary - I would have been out for blood and tons of flesh long ago. I think that this is probably good for your children, and I commend you.

As someone with a deadbeat parent, all I can say is how wonderful it is to know that my other parent is there for me. Your focus on ensuring that your kids know that "Dad is there for you" is perfect. Well done sir, I wish you well.

PS. If I may be so bold, I find that you write in a rather compelling manner. Perhaps you could take out multiple birds with one stone and write a book about your story? I feel like this may be a good plan for a few reasons: 1) you seem to be able to write well. 2) you have a story that I think many would find fascinating. The whole government getting you down / taking your money because they assume the dad is the problem aspect could really resonate with people struggling against an unfeeling system. 3) it could make you alot of money, thus help you in your lifelong goal to provide/be there for your kids. 4) it could be a part of the solution, i.e., building support for changing the system so that they are more concerned about providing for the kids than the gender of the single parent.

I know you must be very busy, but still it may be worth considering?

Disclaimer: I know nothing about the publishing industry, I just know I would buy and read your book.

Edited for spelling and grammar.

googergeiger · 3 months

All the best to you, man. You've been through a hell of a lot, and I find the restraint and balance with which you tell your story to be inspiring. It would be so easy for you to turn against all women, or to think that men are "the real victims in our society", but you don't do that. You haven't let this experience twist you into some kind of hateful figure and I think think that's truly awesome.

I hope all good things happen to you in your life from here on out. You certainly have the attitude of someone who deserves it. You get an upvote from me and a heartfelt vote of support.

MrsDupe · 3 months

I am so sorry that you had this experience. It highlights the injustice of our system when people who are honestly trying to do right by their children are denied the help and support they need to do so. There are huge holes in our safety net that no one wants to see, and you have my deepest sympathy for having fallen into one of them.

I believe, as a feminist, that this is a feminist issue. Stories like yours show how patriarchy hurts men, too. The system doesn't believe that you could possibly be the sole caretaker for your children, that you could be the one who is sacrificing your time, health, and happiness for their well-being, because that is not a man's traditional role. A system that assigns strict roles to people is a system that works for no one, as you have found out. Feminism should be, and in its best incarnations is as concerned about stories like this as it is about the earnings gap.

Edited to take out an edit.

HashRunningRapist · 3 months

Hey, brother. I just want to say, stay strong. I've not gone through half of what you went through, but my ex-wife fled the state with my daughter. Not five months later I gained custody (school year) of my daughter while my ex-wife was going crazy and in and out of mental health institutions. I have gone through some very similar financial pitfalls as you, and I'm also a service member (getting out because single parenting is not mixing with the Marine Corps). I only have one child and that's difficult enough for me, I can't imagine having three. Good on you for everything you have done and are going through.

thetruthoftensux · 3 months

This whole thing is a bummer. I've seen many of my peers go through it in california. It's brutal. My advice to any young man.

Get a resversible vasectomy when you're young. I know everyone will say don't. But you must consider that they think primarily with thier dicks until about the age of 30. I'm 40, all of my friends who have been ravaged by the system had kids with crazy bitches who in hindsight they should only had sex with them and moved on. None of the kids were ever planned, they were the by product of young men sportfucking and then either thinking "they were in love" or trying to do right by the kids.

Once men are in their 30's, they should know the warning signs all the crazy bitches put out. They are put out, but ignored by the young mans quest for action.

The vasectomy can be reversed once men are wise enough to pick a decent women to marry (and stay married to) and have kids with.

This is all probabally too complicated for most people to understand. They all regret not doing it though after being raped by the system and living a life of permanent poverty because of it.

/lets hear the arguments

callmecurly · 3 months

Honestly, any person who thinks that this system is any way feminist does not understand that by assuming that mothers should be the primary caregiver only enforces patriarchal values of men working and paying for children while women raise them. It is not a healthy system, it's not feminist, and it needs to be changed. My sincere sympathies for what you have gone through, and thank you for acknowledging that single mothers go through a lot of shit too. This is not a women vs men issue. This is a children's safety and equality issue. Your genitalia and society's out-dated ideals on what constitutes a family need to be constantly and loudly challenged.

Gyokusai · 3 months

This was an amazing read. All I know is when I have kids, I hope to be half the man you are. You must be an amazing father and I hope I can be one to. Thank you for this. Has really inspired me.

monochr · 3 months

Ever thought about getting your story out to news outlets? This seems like the sort of story a lot of men would eat up, on the one side you could start to reform the system on the other you would probably get some money you need for your children, on the the last make your dead beat mothers life a living hell.

dadnewby · 3 months

I feel your pain, been told by the court that "Father's get a much fairer shake these days". What a joke that was! Good luck

R40ul · 3 months

What are your children's relationships/impressions of their mother?

AngryCoconut · 3 months

Read it all man. I've seen other horror stories about how men get fucked over by the justice system like this. It makes me not want to have kids.

Donkey_Schlong · 3 months

OP, please please please consider submitting this at A Voice for Men.

Contact John the Other, at his email articles@avoiceformen.com. You might also consider submitting this at the spearhead by contacting WF Price.

I am terribly sorry for you, thanks for being a good father to you children.

spazzm · 3 months

They told me they only helped single mothers.

.

[...] assume later when reviewing the case that the father must be the one negligent

No gender discrimination here, no sireee.

stoned_kenobi · 3 months

thanks for writing this.

TisJokar · 3 months

Can I just say, after reading that, I wish you were my dad.

Your amazing, you really really are. You have gone through so much and never stopped supporting your kids. You are the king of dads.

jeangenie18 · 3 months

Fuck your ex-wife. She sucks. And the system sucks. Reading about people like her makes me not want to live on this planet anymore.

kwassa1 · 3 months

There were a lot of words here, but I never saw you mention a lawyer. You should have gotten one, a long time ago. Would have saved you much time and much money.

damyankee · 3 months

I can't say that I am surprised by your story. I know several custodial fathers, their stories are very similar. They get zero child support, and no help from any agencies.

One dad has told me that he doesn't pursue anything anymore because it has cost him far more to try to get the order enforced than he has ever received. Another still has CS taken out of his check, although he has had custody of his son for three years. It's insane.

Have you ever visited deltabravo.net? You will find many people there with very similar stories.

Rokanon · 3 months

Very important story, a penetrating injustice.

Your heroism is profound.

LifeBandit666 · 3 months

Read it all too dude, sent it on to my lass. Her Mom walked out, they still talk and she's a grandma now. She has seen her grandson 3 times in 15 months but got a bad tattoo of an angel baby (like he died or something) with his name on it so she must care.

She left my lass' stepdad with 4 kids, 3 aren't his (and have now grown up) and debt to his eyeballs.

He's a great guy

professor-hot-tits · 3 months

This was an interesting read and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. The title of your post seems a bit off though. There are deadbeat mothers and fathers and this post is more about deadbeat mothers than anything else. I know plenty of men and women who are single parents and dealing with a deadbeat parent is awful. Most of them abandon the pursuit of child support because they need the time and energy for other things. I hope you're able to get the help you need soon.

Max_Karlin · 3 months

First of all, I have to pay my respects to you, because I admire people who do things by themselves no matter how hard it is. Second, it really saddens me to hear such a story because where I come from, it's not nearly as shitty as the US system. I'm from Croatia and am a social worker, and I have to say that, no matter how much Croatia may be fucked up, I'd still rather be a social worker here than in the US. Here, we (social workers) are really trying to inform our clients of all their rights and do not consider our job as just doing administrative work (as is was before) and we certainly do not give false information. And if a single dad comes to us, he is not treated any differently, compared to a single mom. And the judges act the same. Of course, it isn't the same everywhere, but it is common practice and, given the experience of other countries (US if often mentioned in this context) - our college professors warn us about giving everyone an opportunity to explain their case and try our best to help a person in need.
The only thing single dads complain about (though there aren't many of them here, either) is not having their own safe house (in case of family abuse and etc). There were some cases where the wife would get really violent and abuse her husband and children and they would be moved to a safe house, which is by default filled with women (because, statistically, mostly women are the ones abused and we only have safe houses for them. So far, in the last 12 years, there were less than 10 cases where the husbands were the abused ones). So, being there, in a house filled with women, can be a bit overwhelming and stressful.
Anyways, I really do hope at least something changes in the system, for the better, because, as it seems, not most people can handle such a situation and still manage to provide for their children as you can and certainly not as long.
You have all my admiration.

shdwfeather · 3 months

Thank you for your story. You've been dealt a crappy hand by life but handled it with such grace.

It hurts me when I hear stories where gender stereotypes perpetuated by society hurts not only the individuals, but also their kids. Society is so cruel sometimes.

paper_machete · 3 months

I have nothing to say that others haven't, but I'm compelled to tell you how incredible you seem. You're an inspiration to parents of both genders. Your children are so lucky to have you, and I hope that only good things come your way from now on.

nicetryguy9 · 3 months

aaaand the Don't Stick Your Dick in Crazy Lifetime Achievement Award goes to....

ProlapsedPineal!!!! Congratulations!!! Applause Whistles Cheers

God damn dude. I am currently 25 and single. If i would have stayed with my ex from a few years ago, you gave me a glimpse of how my life could have been. Thank God i did not go down that rabbit hole...

Anyway, read it all. Thanks for sharing. Reddit has ur back.

kesi · 3 months

After reading the comments on the original post about the guy in jail, I must say: I'm proud of OP and you guys for abstaining from the gender-bashing. It's terrible and counter-productive as it's being done there.

mtnhomedude · 1 month

Man I feel for you due to the fact that your story sounds just like mine!! Only difference is 2 children (boys and one with autism!)
The court system, DoR and CPS are still in favor of the mother. Im constantly running into brick walls or running around in circles! The only thing that keeps me sane and out of lock up is the fact that I know my kids are safe, happy and being well raised in my care!!
Dont feel alone! Us Single Dads are out there just not as visible!! Im here!!

strolls · 3 months

I'm really sorry, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, but anecdotal "evidence" of this kinda stuff has no place in /r/TrueReddit.

I don't see the video you refer to posted in this subreddit, so it's not like you're making a response to something here. They would love to read this in /r/MensRights, and you'd find them very supportive.

If you want to bring awareness in /r/TrueReddit to this issue then find an article in a major newspaper or magazine, by an uninvolved journalist, which looks at the fate of a number of dads in your position. Here you're just a single data-point.

The_Real_Cats_Eye · 3 months

I honestly don't know how you have stayed sane. Part way through your story my mind switched to evil revenge monster kill a bitch mode. Bodies everywhere.

You sir, are a much better man than I.

I wish you all the best in the present and future bringing up and caring for your family.

SandmanRedeyed · 3 months

I've just accepted that men are Penis people... and the system hates us. We are the perpetrators of all things penis and we should pay. I'm Nineteen years in today and have one more to go... at 44 I'll be able to live again. When it's all said and done... I'll have paid $180,752. 5 Years ago.. I broke the pay barrier of 30k up until that year I made around 20k per year. Ask me how my life was... especially the years I made far less. I've had my children nearly every weekend and was still a decent father to them. They are the only joy I had those years and that's no lie... without them, I would have chosen death.

okillgetoffyourlawn · 3 months

As an 18 year old thanks for reminding me not to discriminate based on gender. It's hard to remember sometimes, what with having a father who treats my mother like crap.

It does make me furious/frustrated though that there is no help available to you :( May I ask whereabouts (country-wise) you are?

religion_is_wat · 3 months

Marriage in America and anything related to it is one of the more corrupt things.

MrShow · 3 months

I'm a single father myself, although not 100%. My ex and I are also both active duty, stationed in different parts of the country. Fortunately I have experienced nothing like what you have, but that's because we've been lucky enough to come to equitable agreements between the two of us.

That said, we're just 1000 miles away and our custody agreement has been easy enough to follow. I'm afraid we're just one overseas assignment away from this thing getting ugly.

Anyway, I read your post and I just kept getting frustrated. I can only imagine what you've gone through. I can only reiterate the guy's sentiment about fighting the system itself and take the court to court, if you will. The only other thing I could suggest is writing your congressperson and/or state senators. You never know, you might get somewhere there.

What was the original video you were referring to? Can you link that to me?

smacksaw · 3 months

There's a simple solution to all of this: instead of parents simply getting a tax credit, they should pay into social insurance for kids. Everyone pays a small amount each paycheque.

Then, when a problem arises, any funds recovered from the parent go to the main fund and parents don't go without.

It also removes gender from the equation as it essentially becomes "no fault", as it were.

And you can't abuse the system by having tons of kids out of wedlock because everyone will pay. Just like you get into an accident, your insurance rates go up. When you can't pay, your rate goes up and so does your repayment. When you're settled, your rate goes down.

hubbyofhoarder · 3 months

I too have sole custody of my son, my ex has also never paid me a nickel, and it doesn't look like she ever will. I'm in the process of trying to finalize my divorce, and I'll be very lucky if I don't end up having to support her, and take care of my son as a single dad. I get the reasons for why the system is the way that it is; however as a fellow occupant of what I know is the fringe of the child support system, fuck everything about it.

graffiti81 · 3 months

I've seen two stories like this within my own family. Two of my mom's brothers got screwed to the wall by the family court system. The one that was the worst, W we'll call him, had two sons. His wife had been cheating on him for years and he didn't know it.

One day he came home to the house he built with his own hands on land his father had given him (it was deeded to "W and Wife" not "W and A") to find the locks changed.

In November (we're in New England) he moved out to a lake cottage with no heat or running water (because it would freeze the pipes with no heat). He decided he "wouldn't put the kids in the middle" and he didn't. She did, however.

A couple years later his youngest was diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma. It's as bad a cancer as a young man can get. Something like a 5% long-term survival rate.

Now, W's ex-wife had been trying to take everything she could while not allowing visits. When he was diagnosed, she started withholding medical information and continuing to not let W see his son. She also held fundraisers and took the money for herself. When W's friends put together $500 to help offset the cost of him driving to the hospital to visit his son (where he was regularly stonewalled by doctors who didn't care) she took him to court to get that money. After the cancer diagnosis she wouldn't even allow W into her house to see his son. She made the kid go out to a cold car in front of the house to see his dad when he was too weak to travel.

The woman is a classic narcissist. She makes boldfaced lies to the court and they believe her. W kept his mouth shut and they believed him too. When she said "the kids are afraid of W" he didn't fight that statement (because it would "put the kids in the middle"). I wanted to scream at him "They're already in the middle, stupid. Only you can make it better."

What it boils down to is this: he wasn't willing to protect his children or himself. He constantly claims (to this day, twelve or more years later) that he did what he thought was right. I told him straight up he was an idiot, and while he thought he was doing the right thing, he was wrong.

What he taught his kids was that they weren't worth fighting for. Sure, W and the kids had fun when they visited, but he never fought to keep them out of a horrific situation. He took the easy way out.

She got the best lawyer she could find. This woman is known locally as an evil man-hater who will do anything necessary to destroy fathers. He went out and got the shittiest lawyer he could find.

Please, don't take offense, but I get the feeling this is your story too. You spent more money in the long run with shitty or no lawyers over the years as you would have on one good one that would have made things better. "Not putting your kids in the middle" does not mean "letting your kids get screwed as hard as you."

Men: Don't marry crazy. Barring that, make sure you're willing to get a bulldog lawyer who will rip her to shreds because she will do the exact same to you. Beat her to the meanest lawyer in a fifty mile radius. You will end up with your kids, and your kids will be happier in the long run.

EDIT: Like my uncle, you probably could have murdered her, spent less money and been out of prison before now.

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