So my gf stopped taking the pill 4-6 months ago, without telling me, and last week found out that she's 17 weeks pregnant.

Hamakua · 5 months

Other than demanding a paternity test I don't have much advice for you. It all hinges on whether you would want to involve yourself in your child's life or not. Either way she has poisoned the relationship in such a way that you are trapped into either becoming a slave or becoming an asshole.

Because you two aren't married she holds all the cards over custody. I would involve your parents as much as possible. If you wish to involve yourself in the child's life I would also seek legal advice now. Hell, I would seek it now even if you don't want to involve yourself in your child's life.

You didn't mention your ages.

http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/

Father's and families may have some references to legal advice. I would start there. I am sorry to say but you have nothing but an up-hill battle in front of you no matter how this issue breaks. If I were in your situation though I would not trust that girl ever again... the hard part is "cutting off all contact" or being anything less than "a perfect boyfriend" may trigger her into bitch mode and the way the (US, UK, Australian) legal system is set up now, they are backing her far more than they are backing you.

5PK · 5 months

Honestly, leave her now and get a lawyer. It sounds extreme, but this is totally the RED FLAG you need to foresee future relationship issues. This was a major violation of trust. The lawyer is because you're FUCKED. Also, don't yell and scream if you don't have to, get the lawyer behind her back and be prepared before she is. If its legal in your state, record her saying something incriminating, such as admitting she knowingly stop taking birth control.

FreddyDeus · 5 months

[the family planning service] ...told her [to] make her plans on the basis that her potential motherhood would be as single parent. (Seriously WTF?)

This is perfectly reasonable of them, assuming she told them the truth about the circumstances of the conception. If I were in your position, she would no longer be in a relationship with me.

and has at times led to me question our future together

AT TIMES! This should be the only question on your mind, as far as your relationship goes. This is a MASSIVE breach of trust. If she'll do this, she can do anything. I know it's difficult coming to terms with the reality that your partner isn't who you thought she was, and that your relationship isn't what you thought it was. But are you seriosuly going to consign yourself to a future in which you have no fucking idea what will happen next?

Think about this seriously. Don't listen to those sentimentalists who will tell you that this could make your relationship stronger. What will happen is she'll probably continue to behave this way on many levels, and you will fall into the habit of justifying her behaviour the more you continue to invest in the relationship.

You will also probably find yourself harbouring a growing sense of resentment that will do you, and your child no good at all.

And bear in mind, if you marry her, your on a hiding to forking out even more cash, and carrying more heartache and resentment at some point in the future.

Also. DO NOT TAKE HER WORD REGARDING YOUR PATERNITY. It isn't the same here in the UK, but I understand that in the US and other countries, accepting paternity can not be reversed should you later discover that you're not the father.

I genuinely have no idea why somebody would want to bring a child into the world in this way.

It's called 'being a selfish fuck'. This is one of the reasons she would no longer be in a relationship with me.

productionx · 5 months

Lets put everything else aside for right now.

Do you want to be a part of this childs life?

devmage · 5 months

she ... insists she wasn't planning to pregnant.

A woman doesn't simply forget to take her birth control for 4-6 months on end, and certainly doesn't forget to tell you about such a thing. She knows precisely what happened here, and is lying to your face. This was a deliberate plan on her part to conceive a child without your knowledge. You are a fool if you believe anything less. Get out now, because she absolutely will continue to abuse you in this manner.

You may have a BPD case on your hands, in which case you're pretty well fucked. In better cases, she's "just" an idiot, "just" a coward, or "just" a liar. In all cases, you deserve better.

Psychiatrist up for her. Lawyer up for yourself (also hit the gym, delete FB, etc.). You have three weeks.

DeepGreen · 5 months

Are you an Aussie mate? I have been through exactly this, but with a couple extra complicatoins. Your options are basically Cut and Run or Stay and Fight.

If you are going to cut and run, do it soon. Don't come back. This is huge, leaving behind your friends and family basically forever. I thought about it, but I decided that there was no way I could do it.

If you are going to stand and fight, go and get legal advice. Establish a pattern of consistantly trying to have contact and get access visits as soon as possible.

If you are Australian, be aware of the changes to the family law act that got voted into law this month which removes any penalty for her (or you) lying about violence and drastically lowers the test of evidence to allow her (or your) fears to be counted as actual threats or acts of violence. EG "I am afraid she will run our baby through a band saw as soon as I leave her alone!" must be considered by the court. Remember that this is a two edged sword, and fucking gut her with it if you think she is going to go for this. Seriously, work out exactly how this law works and be ready to use it. I assure you her friends will be telling her how best to use this particular law to beat you to death with, only by her restraint and forbearance might you be spared, as the court is no longer required to impose legal consiquenses on her should she lie to the courts about you being a violent animal.

Edit: Taking the high road and being seen to do the right thing has much legal merit. Should you be interested I direct your attention here which is an expert review of the changes to the legislation and what they mean. WHile I get angry and I have seen men destroyed by self doubt, my experiences with the courts have been fairly positive, just expensive. /Edit

It is best if you can keep her on side. Should she not try bullshit games calling you a child molester or whatever else she thinks may advance her cause, then you can expect every second weekend and some days during the week. Should you continue to fight hard in a year or three you might get more.

you will never get 50% custody unles she concedes that you should have it. None the less, you can be a significant and worthwhile part of your child's life. One day they will turn twelve or fourteen and have more of a say as to where they want to live.

It is in her financial interests to be such a bitch to you that you withdraw contact yet stay in the country. This has happened to a number of my mates. This will ensure that she gets the most possible financial support from you without ever having to share the affections of your child.

It is a long, long hard fight. No one will ever appriciate the sacrafices that you will make to be a part of your childs life. You will be trapped in a relationship with someone you hate, forever. She will have an entire social group to support her, single mothers and her female friends and relitives to pat her on the back and tell her how great she is, how hard she has it and what a deadbeat dad you are.

Do not let your anger and hurt isolate you. You will need all your strength soon enough, and make no mistake my friends (not my family) were the source of my strength.

Start saving money now. Lawyers cost $350 an hour, and you will need a bunch of legal help before this is over.

Many times at night I have lay in bed and thought that getting my ex whacked would only have cost ten or twelve thousand dollars. The hard part would be to live every day forever knowing that I'd done that to my little girl.

PersonalityDisorder · 5 months

Makes me wish shit like this could be defined as entrapment. Makes me sad that it will never be.

cuteman · 5 months

Next potential shocker.... Is the kid yours?

iongantas · 5 months

Sue for fraud.

frostek · 5 months

Say you gave away all your money 4-6 months ago without telling her. ;-)

"What? Only you are allowed to make uninformed decisions?"

gentlytakemyskull · 5 months

This is really terrible to hear. A more extreme version of the rug I had yanked out from under me. "I love you. I want to have a baby. My clock is ticking." Etc. Gets pregnant. Loses fucking mind.

Now I have a beautiful daughter I rarely see, and a third of my income is gone. I will never be able to retire. The ex has no job and refuses to get one. Why should she? She gets free food and nearly 800 dollars a month to do nothing.

Fucking garbage. Shit should be illegal.

BPhair · 5 months

I usually dislike people like Tom Leykis, but he makes a good point with a tactic that he calls a 'Hail Marry'. I'll see if I can find the clip.

Essential you tell her you love her and want to be together with her forever and that you want to have kids with her someday. You tell her all the problems that would happen with having a kid right now, but in a few years you want to have kids. Basically say you want to be with her forever. Then you suggest the abortion, for the good of the relationship. So on and so forth.

If she has an abortion, awesome. You're free and clear. Wait a few months and dump her. If she doesn't, lawyer up, get a paternity test, etc.

Edit: Hindsight is 20/20, but you should consider freezing some sperm and getting a vasectomy while you still have a meager amount of money no matter how this situation plays out. I did it when I was 18 because my parents got pregnant at 21 and let me say it has been quite the smooth sailing since.

ghebert001 · 5 months

My advice? If you both discussed children and you clearly expressed your not wanting any, then I say flee the country and start a new life. If you wanted children just not now, don't stay in the relationship unless she is willing to get counselling for her sociopathic behaviour. I don't know if it's the first time she's done something like this, but I can tell you it won't be the last. In other words, "Oh hunny since we have a child we may as well get married...oh now I'm bored of you, I want alimony."

urotsukidoji · 5 months

First off: I am NOT a lawyer, this is all based on my own recent (and ongoing) experiences with my ex and custody of our daughter in Family Court.

If you are involved in this child's life in a full-on shared parenting role from the get-go, you will never have to pay child support, whether you are in a relationship/living with with the mother or not - the split/percentage of care is how they figure it, here in Australia. Call CSA and ask them, they will be very helpful and are for the most part pretty decent to deal with if you're not trying to be dodgy.

As for the recent changes to the Family Law Act of 1975, you would be very well off to have them explained to you and how they might pertain to you by an actual lawyer, and your local Legal Aid/Family Relationships Centre/Relationships Australia office will be able to advise you on getting some sound, and probably free, legal advice on the subject. Yes, a lot of men's rights groups have concerns about the changes regarding shared parenting and what defines violence in a relationship, but there is still an evidentiary burden placed on the accuser of said violent acts, and really, the Family Courts have seen and heard all manner of manipulative game-playing bullshit, and if there is zero evidence of any violence, false claims get dismissed and the person making false claims gets punished pretty hard for it. The court places the highest regard towards the best outcome for the child, not the desires of either parent (and separated parents were never automatically entitled to equal custody, even under the changes made by the Howard government - common misconception - but equal custody was and is still viewed as the best outcome for many, if not most, situations).

Currently, judges must still at least consider an "equal time" arrangement and, if that is not practicable, then an arrangement in which the children spend "substantial and significant" time with both parents. Basically, what I'm saying is that in my experience, if you want equal time with your child, and you're prepared to do the hard yards with shared parenting, you're going to get it. It doesn't even have to be a big drawn-out thing, if you guys can agree on an amicable, mediated parenting plan arrangement (which will cost you, again, not a penny and is facilitated by lots of different government-funded agencies, but is not legally enforceable). You can easily get a parenting plan laid down as consent orders, which are legally enforceable and will protect you for a long time.

There's a lot of anger in the subreddit, and I think a lot of people here are speaking purely from emotion and not giving you great advice right now. It's an emotional time for you, for sure, but be smart about it, don't walk out (because seriously, abandoning the relationship at this juncture is NOT going to behoove you in court), and try to get some counseling for yourself alone and for both of you together to see where your relationship is going to end up through this. And for the love of all that is holy, don't tell her you went to talk to a lawyer, there's no way she'll take that well if she's already upset and feeling defensive.

dumb_default_reddits · 5 months

Listen kid. I went through the same thing. Be strong, get your parents to pay her some money to get lost and never, ever, ever speak to her again.

She is untrustworthy and will destroy your life.

ignatiusloyola · 5 months

A lot of things drastically change when someone suddenly is faced with being legally forced into a scenario they never wanted...

A woman's right to choose is a good thing, but so is a man's right to choose. But unfortunately that latter one can be taken away by another person.

dumb_default_reddits · 5 months

If it wasn't clear bud, you need to move fast. Abort, disappear or pay child support. Either way, you are not to have anything to do with this woman again, do you understand me?

mr_znaeb · 5 months

maxp0wah · 5 months

xolieo · 5 months

Just forget to not put plan b in her pancakes. GG

GroundhogExpert · 5 months

You do have legal rights, if she goes through with the pregnancy she cannot keep you out of the kid's life, and just because you will be in the kid's life does mean that you two will be together. I would make sure she knows exactly what keeping the child to term means. Additionally, you should calmly tell her how you feel that she deceived you, and that this all feels very unfair that she has so much control over your future without even discussing this over with you.

moonbleach · 5 months

Female here that has been in a similar situation and just a little bit of advice from my experience:

Just wanted to note here, as a female, that if you take a pill once a day every day (just an assumption she was on the pill since it's the most widely used) for YEARS (again assuming you're early to mid twenties and on average girls start HBC in late teens) you don't just suddenly forget for months.

Also, if she's 17 weeks she most likely already knew. Most women have regular periods once they get a little older (HBC makes it even more so) and I could understand if she was only say, 8 weeks that she could blame her cycle being irregular but seventeen weeks and not knowing is yet another red flag; many women also already feel the baby moving around 15-18 weeks.

When you went to the hospital at 2am who was it that wanted to go? If she felt that seriously ill and suggested it herself I'm willing to bet she knew and was afraid she was losing the baby. If you suggested it, did she initially resist the idea?

If she wants the baby there really isn't anything you can do. Again, don't trust the paternity allegations and don't sign the birth certificate until you have had a DNA test to prove that the child is yours. I'm not sure if the laws there are like the ones here, where signing the birth certificate will make you legally liable even if the baby isn't yours.

The biggest decision you face is if you want to be a father or not. Either way, get a lawyer and get her a psych eval ASAP!

sequoia123 · 5 months

Honest question from a gay male, please don't attack. Why don't you always wear a condom?

JimminyBob · 5 months

As a woman I find this disgusting and deplorable and I'm sorry to say that it is incredibly commonplace (UK perspective). As a person in a trusting and loving relationship I couldn't imagine either of us abusing that position. Individuals using entrapment like this do not deserve the unreserved support of the Justice System. I wish you the best of luck.

beefstick86 · 5 months

Female here- (so I'm prepared for the downvotes)

1.) This bullshit your girlfriend pulled on you, makes me sick. I see women doing this all the time. In fact, I had one girl say "You hold all the cards, if you want to have a baby, just stop taking your pills". WTF?? I cannot believe I had another woman straight up tell me to deceive my boyfriend. I never have, nor will I ever intentionally do something to mess up my relationship with him

2.) There is this "competitiveness" that women have. I'm not sure when it starts, but it gets pretty intense. You've heard that expression "my internal clock is ticking?" Well, it's very true. So true it will make women do crazy things. I should know, I get all the sick twisted thoughts that come with it, I just don't act on it. I cry like a girl instead. But with this competitiveness, we think "oh so and so who is my age has a kid, husband, etc..." and we think that we have nothing to show for ourselves, when obviously we know that's not true. - I'm a 25 year old female who's going to school for engineering and although the thought of having a little minion to call my own is a nice idea, I don't have time, the patience, or the finances to do it. Plus, I like my body too much to have it mangled by a fetus that's going to occupy itself in my womb, like a dirty hippy on Wall street.

3.) What she did was entrapment. I know everyone else is telling you to break ties and just go separate ways, that's not what you want to do. In fact, you want to do the opposite. You will (sorry to say) be paying for the actions of her sick twisted behavior. 17% of your paycheck I believe. But talk it over with your parents, perhaps you can find/prove her to be an unfit mother and take over the custody of the child. I know that may not be an option for you, but I'm sure you could get help from you parents in raising the child. The other thing you should do, and I stress this is of great importance, be a part of your child's life. Even if you hate the mother, do not be absent in the the growth and development of this child. If the mother is truly that mentally unstable, the worst thing you could do is leave your child in her hands and to grow up behaving just like her.

4.)I believe that men should have a say in the "termination" of a fetus just as much as a woman, especially since she lied and trapped you. At the same time, you should have also wore a condom. I know she was on the pill, but if you know anything about us women, we're crazy and do irrational things. Case in point, what you're going through right now.

Right now your life is pretty rough because you've just been lied to, betrayed, and have been involved in a very important life choice without your permission. I can understand that. But in due time you may even enjoy being a parent and appreciate this opportunity.

I hope my words of wisdom helped some. I just wanted to post mostly to prove not all women are psychotic and can live child free. Take care. I hope karma bites her in the ass one day.

Edit: Lawyer up! You cannot be too cautious in a matter like this.

Gothiks · 5 months

Sounds like rape

14mit1010 · 5 months

Your choices are

i) Get out of the country

ii) Kill her and dont get caught

iii) Be her slave for the next 18 years

Choose wisely

aetheralloy · 5 months

Don't worry. /SRS says this pretty much never happens and it's silly to worry about.

DearBurt · 5 months

... apparently then only discovering that she was pregnant.

So, she didn't notice missing her period for a few months?

ProWomanAntiFeminist · 5 months

I would definitely get a paternity test. Other than that I'm sorry dude, but you're totally screwed.

You (unknowingly) impregnated a deceitful, hateful, and selfish woman and you're on the hook for 18+ years of child support. At this point you're going to have to make the best of it. My advice would be to 1. NOT marry her and 2. get a lawyer. Because if you're going to be paying $$$$$ you should also negotiate decent visitation rights.

buffalo_pete · 5 months

I have no advice, and you shouldn't listen to me anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. There are smart people commenting here, listen to them.

But I wish you the best of luck, token78. You're in my thoughts.

razthecat · 5 months

get out of the relationship and as far away from that crazy, lying bitch as you can, get a paternity test and a lawyer and hope that it isn't yours.

earthforce_1 · 5 months

I guess the moral of the story is to never trust a woman who may be wanting a child to look after the birth control. If you have even the slightest doubt in her, get a vasectomy (there are reversible kinds) so you are in the clear.

NickRausch · 5 months

Time for the Hail Mary?

[deleted] · 5 months

Leave the country. You can make a decent living teaching English overseas.

Meevers · 5 months

This is probably one of the worst things a woman can do and I'd probably just say leave her and it is up to you whether you want to be a part of that childs life or not. It seems like a harsh thing to do but in reality she's decided for you both that it's time to have a child, which is a massive responsibility, even though she knows you're not ready for one or that neither of you can provide everything for it and thus it will create a war between the two of you. Under those circumstances, you should not have a child.

I don't understand what goes through womens heads when they do things like this and I'm one of them. It just seems like an utterly childish and selfish thing to do, like 'I want this NOW so I'm having it no matter what!'. They normally regret it horribly when they stuggle with losing their partners by completely shattering any trust they had for them mixed with the reponsibility of bringing up a child they've not even prepared for, yet they would probably never actually admit it and blame the entire thing on their partners. Women like this are utterly pathetic.

Did you talk about the child aspect before you actually started to have unprotected sex? Even though you might have felt it isn't possible due to birth control I think it's a conversation all couples should have before going down that route - 'what are you going to do if it fails/she forgets?'

mugsnj · 5 months

and told her make her plans on the basis that her potential motherhood would be as single parent. (Seriously WTF?)

I think the reason for that is that most teenage girls think they're going to stay with their boyfriend forever, and that rarely works out. So she needs to make her decision with the assumption that she won't be with you forever. It sounds like they're guiding her away from keeping the baby, so quit complaining.

Miathermopolis · 5 months

Your girlfriend is a manipulative cunt. Sorry dude.

GTChessplayer · 5 months

1) This should be fraud. I agree.

2) You should have put your hedonism aside and kept responsibility over your actions. You left safety in another person's hands and you got burned. Next time, trust nobody but yourself.

tiggoftigg · 5 months

Dude, I'm sorry she got you like that. Don't do anything too harsh and remember to try and keep a cool head at all times now. Arguing/fighting is one thing, but don't do anything that can come back to bite you in the bumbum legally. You don't have many rights in the situation, but you don't want to aggravate an already crazy sitch/person. I think the most important thing is not what you can do/can be done, but what it is you want. The ways to go about it may be much clearer after figuring that out.

aaomalley · 5 months

you are screwed . men aparently have no reproductive rights or sexual agency but having sex with a woman when she thinks you are wearing a condom but arent is sex by false pretenses and many consider it rape

moscova89 · 5 months

...what was her motivation to stop taking the pill?

[deleted] · 5 months

She tricked you and used you. She essentially stole the material from you to make her baby.

As far as I'm concerned, it's not even your kid. Tell her to fuck off and find someone you can trust.

sandgoose · 5 months

I fear your dick may have been stuck in crazy.

Sometimes crazy takes years to reveal itself.

SlimThugga · 5 months

Lawyer up, lawyer up, lawyer up. Fight for yourself because if you ask me, the relationship is pretty much over. Even if you accept the child, you'll likely somehow be shafted in the long run as she seems to have a knack for taking big decisions without listening to you anyway.

objective_feminist · 5 months

Leave this lady because she seems absolutely crazy. Seriously, who forgets to take their birth control pills for several months? This was a calculated plan to get pregnant and rope you in, which makes no sense. If she wanted to be a single mother, there are plenty of sperm donors available, but now, she has inexplicably involved you.

She seems nuts, but speak to her one more time. Perhaps hire an arbitrator or therapist to help you make her understand just how much you do not want this.

I had a deadbeat dad. He lived with us until I was 7, but my mom was the sole provider in our household. He left and took most of my mom's savings with him. OP - that is a deadbeat dad. Someone who decides to be a father, then skips out. I would not consider you a bad person if you decide to have nothing to do with this child. If child support becomes an issue, in my area, it is between $300-500 per child, but it depends mostly on your wages. My mom employs one guy who has part of his wages garnished for child support - he pays a whopping $100/per month even though he makes $15/hour.

I understand it sucks to have to think about paying to raise a child you did not want, but this will not end your life. From now on, take responsibility for yourself and always use a condom.

Shuttlecock · 5 months

Three words motherfucker.

French Foreign Legion.

No, I'm not joking. call whoever you need to and get a french visa and join the legion.

hamchidna · 5 months

In a situation such as this, if she keeps the child, you aren't going to be the only victim. This subreddit is full of information on how fathers are necessary in a child's life, and you need to decide on what you are going to do for that child. Run away or stay for them. Not for her, not for anyone else...It sucks that you have been put in a situation such as this, but my advice is if you decide to stay for the child, you need to get the best lawyer that you can and try to take your child from the grasp of a manipulative liar.

Bwhite0425 · 5 months

Seriously... as a female, shit like this enrages me (not about you, about her. I should understand more about custody considering my mom was a single parent but you should have the option of not wanting to be in the child's life at all if you don't want to because the option of abortion is still there. It would be all up to her to deal with the consequences of her actions, if she wants to keep the baby and you don't well then she should have to fucking pay for it herself. She has spoiled her relationship with you, I would never trust someone who would do that to me. Good luck and lawyer up as soon as possible. If you do decide to stay with her you should update us all on what you did ect, ect. Hell with it, update us anyway I'm curious as to how this all turns out.

expletive-deleted · 5 months

Get a paternity test. If she pulled this, there's not telling what else she's been doing.

kronox · 5 months

This probably won't get seen but I went through the exact same thing and i now have half custody of my child. The best and smarted thing you can do for you AND the child is to lawyer up and IMMEDIATELY sue her for your half of the custody. The courts will look at you as the responsible one. That is what i did (only because i was fortunate to have parents wealthy enough to help me) and the bitch never ever got a single thing she wanted. Her plan was to have me paying support, at this point she owes me like 50 dollars a month... i know it's small but hey if the tables were turned i'd be paying a whole lot more than that every month to a bitch that wouldn't even let me see my kid.

immortalagain · 5 months

leave her now

[deleted] · 5 months

My advice is get rid of the girl FOREVER.

She's trapping you into a situation you do not want.

You cannot trust her ever.

If you get rid of her now, mebbe she'll get the hint and get an abortion.

The best case scenario in this is that she DOES get an abortion.

The second best would be that you're forced into child support forever.

Yeah, you'll lose the ability to actually SEE the child or have any say in it's upbringing... but considering the case you're in now... it's not like you were actually going to be able to do those really anyway. Mommy knows best as they say.

kaesylvri · 5 months

Always wear a condom. No matter what the girl says.

You went bareback, now you are financially responsible.

reallyhawtlesbo · 5 months

As somebody training to be a counselor, giving advice during a 30-minute phone session is highly unethical. You are there to support the client and give her complete autonomy over her decisions--giving advice and opinions is very unethical if the client themselves have not come to their own decision; one can disclose an opinions but only after rapport is established (which would take a few weeks, at least) and only then after repeating that their opinion is not necessarily for the benefit of the client.

If anything in family counseling, it best case practice to try to include all members of the [in this case, potential] family in the decision making and counseling process. What happened is total bullshit and could be ground for malpractice, given certain circumstances.

I am truly sorry for what has happened.

brennanww · 5 months

under modern laws you be fuuuuuucked son, bullshit OVER 9000!!

TheRealPariah · 5 months

DO NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

TheLotusEater · 5 months

I support a womans autonomy over her body...

You do? Why would you feel that way now that you see the kind of twisted shit that can happen? People say that because it's expected of them, but really no one thinks that it's the right thing to do. Laws governing this kind of thing are so fucking ass backwards these days... as a man, you have no rights... progress!

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