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[–]deezil 1017 points1018 points ago

Catch any parents trying to sneak to the bathroom for some adult time?

[–]jakemg[S] 1484 points1485 points ago

Yes. We served beer and wine, so drunken parents trying to bone in the bathroom was common. Also, we had a room where we kept the character costumes. People would try to sneak back there and fuck.

[–]pageninetynine 460 points461 points ago

How would you/whoever caught them deal with it when you/they caught parents trying to get it on?

[–]jakemg[S] 1787 points1788 points ago

It would just be a simple, "Come on, not here." I had one guy who was fucking his wife in the bathroom. He said, "I'm almost done, man." Then he finished. True story.

[–]Marvalbert22 1887 points1888 points ago

Hahah awesome. Not now chief I'm in the fucking zone

[–]SyKoHPaTh 48 points49 points ago

Ugh how awkward. Do you like, stand there and watch? close the door and listen for the "HNGH"? walk away and never go in there ever again?

[–]jakemg[S] 137 points138 points ago

He was literally done. Like I knocked on the stall door and said, "You'll need to stop, this is a children's restaurant." He said, "I'm almost done, man...hnnngghhhhh." And that was that.

[–]Melnorme 59 points60 points ago

Getting caught does tend to trigger an orgasmic response in some. You have to blow your load quick when a potential rival approaches so you can fight him off.

[–]KerooSeta 903 points904 points ago

Beer and wine at Chuck E Cheese? Crazy. Where was this?

[–]jakemg[S] 993 points994 points ago

Illinois.

[–]ansyhrrian 406 points407 points ago

Which one? My kids love the hell out of the one in Darien.

[–]jakemg[S] 643 points644 points ago

Ha. I knew all the employees in Darien. I won't reveal which one, but it was in the South Suburbs somewhere.

[–]SirDigbyChknCaesar 179 points180 points ago

Sounds like some parents loved the hell out of it too.

[–]Hcdr1993 482 points483 points ago

Beer and wine is normal at Chuck E Cheese my grandpa used to take me and get wasted... then drive home...

[–]TuxOtaku 331 points332 points ago

ever catch the drunken parents trying on the character costumes (and/or fucking whilst wearing said costumes)?

[–]jakemg[S] 811 points812 points ago

Not having sex, but we actually did let a few drunken parents wear the costume because they really really wanted to. They did a better job than we did.

[–]Kingmezs23 858 points859 points ago

I used to work at a fun museum place in south jersey. People drive for miles to get to this place, and the kids went ape shit once they got there. I loved this place as a kid, but working there madee see the employees would fuck with everyone. Did you guys mess with the kids there? (this is non-sexual, no pedo please)

[–]jakemg[S] 1906 points1907 points ago

Yes! Why did nobody else ask this?

I used to take handfuls of tokens and throw them on the ground where there were groups of kids. They would wrestle each other for them.

I used to tell all the kids that I hid 1000 tickets in the sky tubes. They'd all go there and it would be nice and quiet for 30 minutes. There were no tickets.

Stuff like that.

[–]skylortrexler 1844 points1845 points ago

Its like throwing money at hobos.

Tiny little hobos...

[–]Justiceforallhobos 168 points169 points ago

And they eventually turned that money...into fuzzy pencil toppers

[–]TNTCLRAPE 746 points747 points ago

Oh fuck, I totally fell for that sky tube thing as a child. You brilliant bastards....

[–]P2000Camaro 760 points761 points ago

You amazing asshole..

[–]Cozmo23 273 points274 points ago*

I worked at a similar place called "Celebration Station" as a game tech so I relate to everything you are saying. Did you ever have to dress up in the costume for parties?

Edit: Mine was in Tulsa, OK. They later tore it down.

[–]jakemg[S] 464 points465 points ago

Nope. As the Assistant Tech Manager, I never had to wear the costume or run pizzas out to tables or clean or anything. Because I was responsible for high-level preventative maintenance and fixing major components, I was exempt from the stuff the other minimum-wagers had to do.

[–]Short_Sighted_Guy 1006 points1007 points ago

Assistant to the Tech Manager.

FTFY

[–]jakemg[S] 659 points660 points ago

I love you. Upvotes. If The Office existed back then, I'm sure me and my boss would go back and forth about this.

[–]ErrorF002 1862 points1863 points ago*

Okay…. Most of the story I am about to tell is based off of the recreations of several people till it gets to my part so bear with me.

When I was 17, I used to work at a Chuck E’ Cheeses in South Florida. One fine evening, two guys show up and order a pizza at the register. Not 30 seconds pass when one of them goes back to the cashier and asks about his pizza. The cashier calmly informs him that his pizza takes at least 15 minutes to prepare and that it will be delivered shortly to his table. He didn’t like this answer and continued to ask, “Where’s my pizza? Where’s my pizza. Where’s my fucking pizza!?!?” He proceeds to grab promo cups(the silly cups and shit to sell to the kids) and begins flinging them at the cashier. The cashier realizes that he is paid far too little for this level of bullshit and retreats to the kitchen via the nearby door to inform the manager.

Our enraged customer proceeds to loop around the salad bar and enters via the rear kitchen door to seek his prey. He enters the kitchen yelling at the cashier and takes a swing. The cashier catches the punch and wrenches the guy’s arm around his back and slams him up against the manager’s office door. Essentially, the cashier informed the manager about an issue requiring his attention by slamming the issue up against the window on his office door.

This is where the issue heats up considerably. I’m going to pause a minute to set the stage properly. Chuck E’ Cheese had a sorta caste system; geeks in the gameroom, chicks and preppy types on the registers, and straight up hood rats in the kitchen. Unpause… so one guy is pushed up against the door and struggling and this is when his buddy shows up via the same door with a work knife in his hand. He points the knife at the cashier and orders him to let go of his friend. He continues to advance on the cashier. At this moment the hood rat on the pizza cutting table loses his shit. He grabs the pizza knife, uses it to rake everything off the final prep table, and proceeds to yell, “You do NOT come into my fucking kitchen with that pussy ass knife” He raises the knife over his head and begins to charge at enraged customer 2. Keep in mind, this not just any kind of knife. This is a fucking scimitar with a lead weight at the tip. All accounts of this part agree that had he gone through with what he started, he would have cleaved straight through the guys head. Enraged customer 2 freezes like a deer in head lights.

Three strides into his charge, the hood rat’s girlfriend tackles him to the floor. He had a record, and she didn’t want him to get in trouble with the law again. This snaps Enraged Customer 2 out of his stupor and he throws his knife blindly, and grabs anything within reach and begins flinging it around the kitchen. This is when I begin to notice something is wrong in the world of children’s pizza and entertainment. Someone yells, “Fire!” and I start to look around and I hear the commotion in the kitchen. As I being to make my way to the kitchen I see Enraged Customer 2 exit the door from where he entered with a spatula in his hand. He’s moving down the main through way of the store and I am in the showroom. I being to follow and prepare to pounce with visions of vigilante grandeur running through my head. After all… the guy had a fucking spatula for a weapon. The moment I had my opportunity to pounce he immediately turns to me and begins shouting at me in Spanish, “Where is my daughter! Where is she!” over and over again. As he is yelling at he begins reaching under his shirt. Time starts to slow down. As he reaches under his shirt he reveals the holster for his work knife. I didn’t notice it was empty, but I instantly begin planning to defend myself from a knife attack. His hand moves past the knife holster towards his back and I watch has his hand wraps around the grip of a revolver. At this point I begin to ask questions about his daughter, what she looks like, anything to satisfy him. He continues to advance on me and I freeze. He pushes past me, and scoops up the most adorable little girl in a white communion style dress. He sits her on one shoulder, and is now waving the gun around with his other hand yelling at everyone to not follow him or he will kill them and that he is (directly translated) Mr. Big Dick (makes more sense in Spanish) and nobody fucks with him. He proceeds out the door with his daughter and his friend.

I have no idea how this ends. The cops showed up and our 8 hour video tape was not in the recorder….

tl;dr Two guys go apeshit in a Chuck E' Cheeses. One almost gets his head cleaved in half by a pizza knife.

edit formatting by request

[–]jakemg[S] 503 points504 points ago

This deserves all the upvotes. Way better than any of my stories, and based on your description of the layout of the back area/manager's office/kitchen, it's totally legit. Wow.

[–]koric_84 52 points53 points ago

"This is when I begin to notice something is wrong in the world of children’s pizza and entertainment."

Crying from laughter. Well played!

[–]damnstraight 832 points833 points ago

Most inappropriate thing youve seen?

[–]jakemg[S] 1339 points1340 points ago

From employees or from guests?

From employees, there used to be sex in the ball pit. Jesus, we were horny teenagers and our store managers were like 21/22 years old. It was a party when the store closed for the night, especially on the weekends.

From guests, someone once smeared shit all over the inside of a stall in the women's bathroom.

Oh, and someone once accidentally left their kid in a booth. :/

[–]chunklight 2267 points2268 points ago

I was a game room attendant at a Chuck E. Cheese around the same time as you.

On my last day of work a little kid came up to tell me "Mr. Mr. Somebody pooped in the tubes and smeared it everywhere." I said "Thanks for letting me know." and kept on sweeping. Then a suburban mom came up to tell me as well. I realized at this point that as the lowest on the totem pole I couldn't tell anyone else to clean it, and if I told a manager he'd just have me do it. So I ran to the costume room and got in the Chuck E. suit. I stayed "in character" for 3 hours until my shift ended because no one makes Chuck E. scrub shit.

The weirdest part was I never heard anything about who had to clean up the shit.

[–]PeteThePessimist 1007 points1008 points ago

And there the shit remains to this very day.

[–]macotine 1568 points1569 points ago

Upvoted for "because no one makes Chuck E. scrub shit."

[–]bubby_senior 687 points688 points ago

My first job was working at a Discover Zone (1993-1996) and we too had a shit smeared stall incident. I was the lucky chap who had to clean it, which sucked since I normally hosted birthday parties and vomit was really more my specialty.

[–]jakemg[S] 1892 points1893 points ago

Protip for vomit: I learned you pour cotton candy crystals on it. It soaks up the puke so you can just sweep it up and it makes it smell like strawberry puke.

[–]mafoo 1172 points1173 points ago

That's exactly what I imagine unicorn puke to be like.

[–]Finntastic 1131 points1132 points ago

That's the most disgustingly great thing ever.

[–]humenbean 313 points314 points ago

Here's your cotton candy kid.

[–]nimblerauser 320 points321 points ago*

We poured coffee grains on ours. Worked the same, but smelled like coffee instead.

[–]shelldog 528 points529 points ago

Discovery Zone was the most awesome place on the planet when I was growing up. If I were to win the lottery or somehow manage to come upon a large sum of money, I'd invest in opening an adult-sized fun house like DZ. No kids allowed.

[–]almosthere13 133 points134 points ago

discovery zone was the shit!

[–]bluelyon 396 points397 points ago

How were these sexy ball pit times

[–]jakemg[S] 1628 points1629 points ago

They were good. The ball pit is basically a trampoline full of plastic balls.

Also, don't ever let your kids (if you have them) play in ball pits. They're rarely cleaned. When we did clean them, we put them in my boss' pickup truck in netted bags. Then we just went through a carwash. :/

[–]Lilcheeks 1300 points1301 points ago

That's actually more cleaning than I assumed happened at all... so bravo.

[–]xampl9 532 points533 points ago

There's actually a company that specializes in this stuff now. They have a truck that pulls up next to the McPlayArea, vacuums out all the balls and runs them through a sanitizing bath, before shooting them back into the pit.

[–]Hamlet7768 615 points616 points ago

See a need, fill a need.

[–]ElMangosto 375 points376 points ago

And you exposed your genitals to these plastic balls?

[–]Kriptik 1062 points1063 points ago

if so, the balls most certainly touched

[–]KaseyB 846 points847 points ago*

someone once smeared shit all over the inside of a stall in the women's bathroom

This is really common actually. I worked at Barnes and Noble and someone smeared shit all over the handicapped stall. Walls, ceiling, behind the toilet in places you could only get shit if you were actively smearing it with your hands. It is bizarre what some people do. What could possibly prompt people to smear their own shit all over the place at a business like Chuck-e-cheese or Barnes and noble?

Edit: in my 6 or so months of redditing, I have NEVER had a response like this to a post that is a reply to a reply to a reply. Simply amazing.

[–]jakemg[S] 1659 points1660 points ago

yeah, I've heard it happens all over. Maybe it's one dude with a weird fetish just circling the country smearing buttsauce all over the stalls.

[–]LostArtofConfusion 666 points667 points ago

Someone did this in our tiny store. I only caught a glimpse of the guy as he left the bathroom, kind of giggling to himself -- which is what alerted me. I went into the bathroom and he had ... frosted ... the toilet seat with feces. I donned goggles, rubber gloves and an apron before cleaning it up, bleached the hell out of everything. Then I threw up. I still let people use the bathroom though. I think you lose a valuable part of your humanity if you don't let people pee when they need to.

[–]jlamothe 364 points365 points ago

I still let people use the bathroom though. I think you lose a valuable part of your humanity if you don't let people pee when they need to.

You sir, are a better man than I am.

[–]KerooSeta 211 points212 points ago

Yup, this happened when I worked at Target back around 1999.

[–]raulness 202 points203 points ago

I can confirm this happened when I worked at Starbucks in 2008 as well.

[–]chedderslam 880 points881 points ago

if we keep this going we can develop a timeline and finally nail this bastard once and for all.

[–]SkippyRodriguez 670 points671 points ago

Happened at the Starbucks I worked at in 06, they wrote Dunkin on the wall with it.

[–]goforce5 159 points160 points ago

I was just at Buffalo Wild Wings last weekend. Happened there too, but they included footprints. The footprints weren't in the shit though. It was like someone smeared shit on their shoe for the sole purpose of creating footprints.

[–]I_Regret_This_Post 788 points789 points ago

None of you appreciate my work.

[–]otaku-o_o 887 points888 points ago

new favorite word: buttsauce.

[–]AzureBlu 374 points375 points ago

note to self: dont eat while reddit.

[–]jakemg[S] 1732 points1733 points ago

Oh, and a lot of us were on drugs frequently. A buddy of mine took mushrooms before his shift and I had to drag him away from the flashing lights at the skee ball game and send him home. He was tripping balls, man.

[–]andrewjs42 1869 points1870 points ago

My kid is never going to Chuck e Cheese

[–]jakemg[S] 1996 points1997 points ago

Good call.

[–]tristanofkiel 1705 points1706 points ago

My kid is going to every Chuck E. Cheese

[–]Solaninalos 1456 points1457 points ago

Awesome call.

[–]ersatztruth 469 points470 points ago

Even as a kid I could tell those places were sketchy, but god damn... ಠ_ಠ

[–]shoeler 816 points817 points ago

any moments were you thought "man. kids are scumbags"?

[–]jakemg[S] 1564 points1565 points ago

Every. Single. Day.

They're mean to each other, man.

[–]aktsukikeeper 526 points527 points ago

True man, they will say anything to offend. Like little psychopaths.

[–]stylushappenstance 278 points279 points ago

I was running through a neighborhood and this group of kids were yelling at another kid who was walking home. "You'll never get married! No one will marry you! EVER!!!"

[–]Daemon_of_Mail 518 points519 points ago

Like 4chan and half of Reddit.

[–]crunchy_fap_biscuit 799 points800 points ago

How many prize tickets for a fuzzy troll pencil topper?

[–]jakemg[S] 1874 points1875 points ago

100, but if the kid really wanted it and only had like 80, we'd always give it to them because who fucking cares?

[–]Jesus_Faction 2125 points2126 points ago

OMG I didn't know you could haggle at Chuck e cheese....this could have changed everything

[–]Toribor 973 points974 points ago

Man, I was a fucking weasely businessman at Chuck E Cheese. I found out if you had a massive amount of tickets they would just weigh them to determine how many you had. I soaked those motherfuckers in the sink so they were all wet and THEN made them weigh them. The employees looked at me like I was a freak, (fucking soaking wet tickets) but I swear I magically doubled my profits that day.

[–]pride_of_pyongyang 887 points888 points ago

my own x-post from askreddit:

To redeem these prizes, you had to insert your tickets into a counting machine located somewhere on the gaming floor out of view from the staff. It would suck in your tickets, count them, and print out a receipt indicating how many tickets you won. You then took the receipt to the stoned attendant who would vend prizes.

Eventually, I started tearing the tickets longwise and inserting them. Each half would count as a ticket, so for 12 tickets, we'd get a 24 ticket receipt, that is, 2 slapper hands.

It got me thinking, with our 5 remaining dollars, why not go for a trip to a newsagent and buy a roll of Admit One tickets, and feed them into the machine?

We came back to the ticket counter, held the core of the roll, and let the machine suck in the Admit One tickets. After printing a receipt worth several hundred tickets, we walked away that day with a discman, lava-lamps and VCR's.

Kinda wished the top shelf prizes included easy-bake ovens and weapons, but alas...

[–]PartTimeLurker 1241 points1242 points ago

I smell a Pawn Stars spin-off...

"I'm not sure if this is an original or a replica... tell you what, I have a friend who's an expert in fuzzy troll pencil toppers. Do you mind if I bring him over here and have him take a look at it?"

[–]syflox 200 points201 points ago

"Well I'm hoping to get 200 dollars for this one."

"I'll give you 5 bucks."

[–]Hristix 1318 points1319 points ago

"This fuzzy troll pencil topper is in good condition. Not the best, as it does have a little bit of graphite dust in its hair from all the days it has sat on top of a pencil, but you can tell that it wasn't mistreated. In fact, it was probably loved and went through quite a few pencils back in its day. You can see here from the stamp on the inside part about where the eraser of the pencil would be that it was made in the Kentucky plant and not any other. These Kentucky pencil toppers are pretty rare now since all the manufacturing went to China. One plant in China copied the designs of the Kentucky plant so well that they thought the stamp was a necessary part of the process and since they couldn't read English they just didn't know it was a stamp to tell where the pencil topper was made. Isn't that interesting?"

"Anyway, you have a good looking pencil topper. There is certainly a market out there for it, but without a certificate of authenticity and its original packaging, it won't make a lot of money in the collectors market. Who even knows which plant it really came from? We could test for it by taking some of the hairs and seeing if they're filled with lead like they would be from the Chinese plant, but then that would devalue it. I can't tell you exactly how much this would run you, but it would be under a dollar. This is a far cry from the most expensive fuzzy troll pencil toppers in the best condition which command a price of up to five dollars, but I think it's a fair price for this piece."

"Thank you for your knowledge and insight into the topic of fuzzy troll pencil toppers. You heard the man, unfortunately, we have to make money at the end of the day. He said there is a market for it so I think I can sell it, but we need to come up with the right price. I'm going to open with an offer for whatever change is laying around in the floor of the shop and half of the Snickers bar that guy over there is eating. We have to make money on this."

[–]digitalmediamaster 389 points390 points ago

Best game overall? Best game to win tickets on?

[–]jakemg[S] 963 points964 points ago

I worked there in 1996-1998. Best game was the TMNT Arcade Game. I used to have to replace the joysticks on it often because it was played so much. Then I'd "test" it for a few hours to make sure everything worked.

Now, the best way to get tickets is skee-ball. There is a counter that goes up every time someone plays. That's the bonus. I take my kids there now (and get everything for free) and I wait until the counter is over 500. Then I play one game of skee ball. I know how to hit the 100k circle in the upper left every time (my job every morning was to do a coin drop test to make sure everything worked, and I just got good at it). I get a high enough score to win the bonus. I just do this over and over.

[–][deleted] 514 points515 points ago

I haven't been to one since the 80s, but the skee-ball machines were usually pretty easy to steal tickets from. You simply had to pull slowly on the tickets and they'd come right out.

[–]jakemg[S] 573 points574 points ago

Yep. Those were the older ticket mechanisms. They now have a little roller that prevents you from pulling tickets out. It's like fingercuffs. When you pull (aka, put too much pressure on the tickets coming out), the roller would close and you just end up breaking off the ticket.

[–]SneakyPhil 814 points815 points ago

I did this all the time. I felt like a goddamn wizard the first time it happened.

[–]SomethingKiller 1351 points1352 points ago

That's pretty sneaky of you Phil.

[–]jzzmsndwch 450 points451 points ago

Did you every have to break up a brawl that was started by parents?

[–]jakemg[S] 859 points860 points ago

On more than a few occasions. Alcohol + your kid just pushed my kid! = lots of scuffles

[–]the_answer_42 308 points309 points ago

What is the most insane thing you saw someone(s) parent/kids doing?

[–]jakemg[S] 607 points608 points ago

I had a kid get buck naked and jump in the ball pit. He was like 10. That was wild. Parents, we used to catch drunk ones (we served beer and wine) trying to have sex in various places around the restaurant.

The stuff we employees did was much better. :)

[–]the_answer_42 211 points212 points ago

What kinds of things did you employees do?

[–]illogicalexplanation 155 points156 points ago

How much did you hate those mechanical singers by the end of your tenure?

Also, any all out brawls?

[–]jakemg[S] 254 points255 points ago

I hated those things. They were a constant project. Never ever worked properly (and still don't).

Usually just drunken scuffles between parents. No brawls at my store, but some CECs had regular incidents where the police had to be called. those stores actually employed guards.

[–]Billism 137 points138 points ago

Did you ever bust kids for walking up to the skee-ball targets and dropping balls in the big point ones? What are the consequences of this?

I remember doing this a few times in the early 90s when I was a teenager.

[–]jakemg[S] 226 points227 points ago

There were tilt sensors on them" If you walk up like that, you interrupt an IR beam and the game just ends.

[–]ericb45696 974 points975 points ago

did you ever close up at the end of the day and have left over kids around?

[–]jakemg[S] 2144 points2145 points ago

Sort of. Not really close up at night, but once a family was there in a huge booth. They had a baby in a carseat. They left and forgot the baby. Not just like, got to the car and said, oh, shit, we left the baby! No, they didn't come back for hours. In the meantime, we had to call DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) and the parents couldn't get the kid back when they showed up because he was in DCFS custody. They were pissed at us. Dude, you left your FUCKING BABY IN A CHUCK E CHEESE!!!!

[–][deleted] 1481 points1482 points ago

They were pissed at us

What the hell did they call DCFS for!? They should have just put him in the lost and found box so they could pick him up the next day.

[–]SleepingSheeple 1394 points1395 points ago

Follow up question: How many tickets would it have taken to win the baby playing ski-ball?

[–]huitlacoche 1513 points1514 points ago

My girlfriend and I call it ski-ball too. You only win a baby if you're really unlucky.

[–]jakemg[S] 843 points844 points ago

Dammit! Should've thought of that. There were plenty of toys in there for him to play with.

[–]danE3030 876 points877 points ago

I still remember when it was called "Showbiz Pizza"; fuck I'm old.

Is the pizza made on site, or is it all shipped in?

[–]IGoBumpInTheNight 399 points400 points ago*

Fun fact: There is a guy who owns the full "Rock-afire explosion" band from Showbiz pizza and posts videos of them singing current songs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzU2qH6wecw&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL Edit: This one is much creepier http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAg0IX1CBzw&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

[–]jakemg[S] 699 points700 points ago

On site. It would be better if they just made frozen pizzas. They make it all "fresh."

[–]danE3030 256 points257 points ago

Ah, thanks-I agree with you it probably would have been better frozen-one more question, if you don't mind-what is the best day you ever had while working there?

[–]jakemg[S] 1729 points1730 points ago*

I was planning to go to work, then practice karate with my Texan friend, then go fishing with my sort of retarded friend, then go to this guy's music recital, even though he kind of hates me.

There were some bumps along the way, but it turned out okay.

[–]ChaosFireV 1286 points1287 points ago

first sucessful spongebob reference i have seen in a long time

[–]woopigsooie 1003 points1004 points ago

so successful I had no idea until you said it.

[–]jakemg[S] 486 points487 points ago

Thanks. :)

[–]AtTheKevIn 249 points250 points ago

What were some of the worst experiences with parents?

[–]jakemg[S] 759 points760 points ago

Drunken gross moms hitting on you. Parents getting pissed because their kid was being a dick and I made them sit and take a "time out."

*I'M A FUCKING PAYING CUSTOMER!!!11!! MY KID WILL DO WHAT HE WANTS!"

ಠ_ಠ

[–]RoquentinTarantino 1069 points1070 points ago*

I have a three year old daughter and there is a Chuck E Cheese near by so sometimes I take her just to hang out and ride a few rides (she seems to like it and requests it occasionally)... man, that place is incredibly depressing. I just get really bummed out by the whole scene.

There are almost no true arcade games anymore. There are lots of games where you win tickets and lots of passive experiential "rides" like roller coaster simulators where you watch a POV screen and rock back and forth in a motorized seat. They all look really cheap and only last about 90 seconds.

The kids are nuts, the parents are varying degrees of angry and apathetic, the carpet is ratty, some little kid is always on the verge of tears. The games and rides are shit. Everything looks cheap and dirty. It just overwhelms me and makes me incredibly depressed.

Usually if there is room for two or more on whatever my daughter is riding I try to find some other little kid who looks low on tokens and offer to let them join in. It's the only thing that staves off the crushing despair long enough to burn through $5 in tokens so we can leave.

Then I take the kid home, put a chair in front of the TV, look up POV roller coaster videos on youtube, play them on the big TV with her in my lap, rock back and forth in rough approximation to the movements on screen, and try to forget the whole thing.

tl;dr - Take my daughter sometimes/ The mass of kids lead lives of quiet desperation/ When you gaze into the arcade the abyss gazes back/ try to be Good Guy Dad

[–]TNTCLRAPE 621 points622 points ago

And that's why they serve beer and wine...

[–]jakemg[S] 409 points410 points ago

Yep.

[–]Figowitz 512 points513 points ago

I'm from Europe, and this is my impression of Chuck E Cheese. How close is that to reality?

[–]jakemg[S] 451 points452 points ago

This. It's basically a parody of Chuck E Cheese. Kids always lost their glasses. And retainers (like in the movie Parenthood).

[–]bshine 419 points420 points ago

What was the best prize to spend tickets on and how often did someone get it? Also, any child injuries?

[–]jakemg[S] 965 points966 points ago

The prizes are all retarded. Anything up to 1000 tickets is only worth a couple bucks. We had a remote controlled car for like 20k tickets that some kid saved up for after going to birthdays all year. He could've bought it at a store for like $40.

[–]bshine 373 points374 points ago

What about injuries? Also while you're here, how can your pizza be so good and so bad at the same time?

[–]jakemg[S] 1058 points1059 points ago

Injuries, too many to name. I mean I alone was hurt all the time because I would open games up and replace major components. Do you remember Power Drift? It was a car racing game, but you sat in the car and when it turned, the whole game tilted from side to side. The motor used to break on it all the time. I was with my boss testing the motor for current. It runs off DC (I think it was 90v). DC current is bad. As I was touching the meter to the leads, my boss said, "Don't ground yourself." Just as he said that, my ass touched the ground and I shot backwards like ten feet. He stood over me laughing as I twitched.

Kids used to get hurt all the time in the ball pit, and one time...oh, this makes me shudder thinking about it...a lady put her baby in one of those kiddy car rides. She didn't put the seat belt on the baby (maybe 6 months old or so). I was walking toward them as the baby tipped to the side and fell out, smacking its head on the ground. The sound haunts me to this day. The baby didn't cry right away, which was freaky. Ambulance came and stuff.

[–]bshine 280 points281 points ago

wow... any follow up as if the baby turned out ok?

[–]jakemg[S] 649 points650 points ago

Nope. Took the baby away in an ambulance. Seriously, that sound of the head hitting the ground (not great carpet padding there) makes me shiver. :(

[–]Frembo 648 points649 points ago*

Babies have a soft skull that actually allows them to survive trauma to the head that would kill them if they had a harder skull. Edit. Ok, I am not an expert, but that is what my developmental psychology professor told me, and it has to do with the brain having more space (due to malleability of the skull) to swell up from impacts. Also, some kids are born with half a brain, but the brain will develop normally anyways and you couldn't tell these people apart in society.

[–]spottydodgy 418 points419 points ago

Probably works at a chuck e cheese now.

[–]semper_fly 798 points799 points ago

I fell on my head a few times when i was little. Kids often fall over, bud. look at me, i'm fine. fine. fine. fine. fine. fine. fine. fine. fine. fine. fine. fine.

[–]TheAncient 515 points516 points ago

semper_fine

[–]jakemg[S] 701 points702 points ago

Oh, the pizza was bad. The ingredients were always far, far from fresh. You could sometimes smell it when a pizza with expired cheese was cooked. Smells sour. We would still serve them. :/

[–]Notmyrealname 733 points734 points ago

Oh, the pizza was bad.

I kind of expect that from an establishment that uses a rodent as its mascot.

[–]Crunkdgh 326 points327 points ago

How much money would the store make off of coins from arcade games in a week?

[–]jakemg[S] 582 points583 points ago

I'm not sure about the profit margin. We would empty the machines every Saturday morning and count/repack the coins. There would be tens of thousands of coins. Remember, though, they gave deals on coins and packaged them with meals, so a token wasn't really worth 25 cents. It was worth about 17 cents at the time.

[–]scribble88 1370 points1371 points ago

TIL: there is a floating exchange rate on chuck e cheese tokens

[–]stingystooge 229 points230 points ago

Oh yeah. I leveraged up and shorted futures on CEC tokens and made huge amounts of money in the 90's.

[–]nimblerauser 794 points795 points ago*

I worked at a CEC in one of the most dangerous cities in America for 3 years when I was in high school and college. We had an attempted drive-by shooting. I've seen people tasered. I've seen a woman smash another woman's head against a large glass door. I've seen a large woman tackle a cop. I wore the mouse outfit, I worked the door, I served tables, did birthday parties, subbed for game room, and worked in the kitchen.

Edit: Here's the best verification I could come up with while at work, if anyone doubted me.

Edit 2: Everyone keeps asking what city: Saginaw, MI.

[–]Madpony 1095 points1096 points ago

I don't think I'd want to be the guy in a giant mouse costume during a drive-by shooting. Seems like I'd just be worth more points :(

[–]jakemg[S] 545 points546 points ago

Heh. I worked at a nice one, but I often helped out and filled in at one of the most violent CEC's in the US (Matteson IL). They had a guard and the police were there all the time.

[–]nimblerauser 680 points681 points ago

Yeah. We had two armed undercover detectives working our store all the time. One stood by kid check and one kind of roamed. They would point out to us who the known drug dealers and felons were as they entered the place. The police here told us we were the second-most visited business in the entire city. We called the cops a lot.

[–]jakemg[S] 824 points825 points ago

Kid check

This guy's legit. Only employees refer to the station at the front where they stamp your hand by the proper name.

[–]Kira_kappuke-ki 613 points614 points ago

"Yo dawg can I get an few grams of crack?" "Yeah man, meet me at chuck E cheese."

Da fuck?

[–]nimblerauser 308 points309 points ago

They have kids. Lots of kids. Around here, CEC is like a social thing for urban people. They come, hang out for like 6 or 7 hours, make a goddamn mess and a whole lot of noise, then leave. And by urban I don't just mean black, I mean all sorts of trashy people, regardless of color.

[–]Brandenburger 99 points100 points ago

What would you think of a Waiting style film based on the lives of chuck-e-cheese employes?

[–]jakemg[S] 114 points115 points ago

I would be happy to consult for such a movie. :)

[–]JoJoMcko 415 points416 points ago

Ever have a fatass kid get stuck in the tubes, or just any kids that wouldn't get out of there in general?

[–]jakemg[S] 864 points865 points ago

No fat kids getting stuck (those tubes are big, we used to have sex in them). We did have kids who would go up, then look out a little porthole, realize how high up they were, and freak out. I used to retrieve them quite often. There are actually emergency exits built into those, too, just in case.

[–]njfinn 730 points731 points ago

(those tubes are big, we used to have sex in them)

Story time, dude.

[–]jakemg[S] 1082 points1083 points ago

I had sex in the tubes. With chicks. Not sure what else to say. We would close the place down and party. Drunk teenagers would go in the tubes, then start making out, and eventually, the whole structure would be rocking. It was nice because it's closed off in there. But moans and whatnot are amplified. :/

[–]failparty 471 points472 points ago

Is there any surface that wasn't used for sex?

[–]THANE_OF_ANN_ARBOR 626 points627 points ago

Seriously, Chuck E Cheese sounds like some sex palace where everyone worships Bacchus.

[–]wtfamiwatching 812 points813 points ago

give us the best tube sex story

[–]StuBenedict 1414 points1415 points ago

Reddit.com, everybody.

[–]Piratiko 399 points400 points ago

As someone who watches streaming tube porn, this shit is confusing.

[–]timx13 143 points144 points ago

What does the "E." stand for?

[–]jakemg[S] 542 points543 points ago

eeeew

[–]mag0o 1362 points1363 points ago

My 4 year old daughter calls it Chunky Jesus. That is all, no questions here.

[–]jakemg[S] 123 points124 points ago

My mom always called it Chunky Cheese. Even though I worked there, she always called it that.

[–]factoid_ 310 points311 points ago

I went to Chuck E Cheese for my 30th birthday. No kids. Just me an about 10 or 12 friends. My way of refusing to grow old. It was awkward and ridiculous at first, but eventually the staff got into it and we had a lot of fun. We were there later in the evening, so by about 8pm all the kids had cleared out and we had a blast.

How often do you have parties like mine, and how does the staff feel about it? Nice change of pace or just weird and creepy?

[–]jakemg[S] 342 points343 points ago

They happened a lot. Those were always fun and those types of guests usually gave all their tickets to random kids.

[–]factoid_ 352 points353 points ago

I would have, but they were all gone by the time we actually hit the games. My group ended up giving me all the tickets and I got an Angry Bird plush. It's actually sitting on my desk right now. I throw it at things from time to time.

[–]TwitchyWombat 313 points314 points ago

I throw it at things from time to time.

This makes me happy.

[–]Schickm86 61 points62 points ago

Do you find yourself putting CEC Entertainment on your resume and pray to god know one asks what it is?

[–]jakemg[S] 100 points101 points ago

Ha! I did this at my third job. The manager was like, "And what is CEC Entertainment." I had to explain.

[–]MIZZOU18 311 points312 points ago

This has been debated between my friends for a long time. can grown man go up and ask for a single adult ticket with no kids or family with him? Like just to watch?

[–]jakemg[S] 573 points574 points ago

Why are you discussing this with your friends?

Zach Galafanakis: "When you look like me, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese."

I'm not sure how we would handle it. Probably we'd say he needs to have a kid with him, but it never came up.

[–]MIZZOU18 217 points218 points ago

A friend lost a bet and the plan was for him to go in wearing a big coat and sit in the corner booth by himself for an hour. We ended up not going through with it because of the potential for police involvement.

Thanks for the reply!

[–]chunklight 140 points141 points ago

We used to have single adults come in all the time. Some of them were regulars. Not the kind of regulars you look forward to exchanging banter with. The kind you're like "hey look, the guy with the fake leg is here again."

[–]nimblerauser 108 points109 points ago

You don't ask for a ticket, you just walk in. If you're over 18, you can enter with generally no hassle whatsoever. Usually the door person will ask if you're there for a party or meeting people or something, but you can easily just say "Yeah," and walk right in.

[–]jakemg[S] 182 points183 points ago

Yep. So I guess this probably did happen from time to time. It would be a pedophile's dream there.

[–]yauch 113 points114 points ago

Here's my CEC story. My buddy Ben worked there for a bit so he'd hook us up with tokens and we'd play skee ball and TMNT. At at the end of the night we are trying to figure out what to do with all of our tickets and then I notice that they are not shredding their tickets. I question Ben on what happens to the tickets and learn of their unshredded fate in the trash. We do a little dumpster diving, throw out all the ones with pizza sauce on them and end up with a suitcase full of neatly organized CEC tickets. We eventually cashed them in for some crappy RC cars but the novelty of feeling like a mafia boss that buys everything with tickets, was pretty cool.

[–]kingsway8605 167 points168 points ago

Damn kids shitting in the skytubes was the worst, especially since we weren't usually told it was up there until days later.

[–]jakemg[S] 266 points267 points ago

Totally. But days later it would either be smeared all over, or, if you were lucky, dried up so it was easier to clean. I would send a lacky up there. Never had to do it myself. :)

[–]jdras 54 points55 points ago

Holy shit I just wasted a remarkable amount of time at work reading this

[–]jakemg[S] 73 points74 points ago

Holy shit I am wasting a remarkable amount of time at work replying to all these comments.

[–]guy_from_sweden 339 points340 points ago

You said you guys sometimes had sex there, did it end up in any long term relationships?

[–]jakemg[S] 1003 points1004 points ago

I met my wife at Chuck E. Cheese. We started dating in 1997 and got married in 2003. We're still married and have two kids.

There were about four other long term couples who are now married that met there during that time period.

[–]andfurthermore 215 points216 points ago

Ever bring your kids to Chuck E. Cheese?

[–]jakemg[S] 729 points730 points ago

All the time. We get everything for free, we get "clean food" (like in Fight Club) and we know where they shouldn't go.

[–]wtfamiwatching 559 points560 points ago

were they conceived at chuck e cheese?

[–]ill_B_In_MyBunk 1618 points1619 points ago

"Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can MAKE a kid."

[–]jakemg[S] 191 points192 points ago

slowclap.gif

[–]jakemg[S] 567 points568 points ago

No.

[–]DarthYoda2594 325 points326 points ago

Shame. I would have enjoyed the story of the time you told your son he was created in a children's crawl tube

[–]Googunk 500 points501 points ago

Well, technically...

[–]devidual 405 points406 points ago

I remember going to a CEC with some friends when we were 16 to relive the awesomeness and partake in some nostalgasm.

We got there and we were stopped by the 'bouncer' type guy in the front. He asked us for ID.. wtf? They asked us why we were there...

After arguing with the manager that there should be no reason we shouldn't be allowed in, we got in, circled the place in 5 minutes, realized that CEC is only awesome as a kid and left.

We were left in disappoint.

[–]jakemg[S] 516 points517 points ago

Yeah, that sucks. We didn't want rowdy teenagers there without supervision because they would ruin it for the little kids, and there was no way to enforce consequences. You had to be accompanied by a parent if you were under 18.

At 16, though, I'd say they'd probably let you in.

Oh, and the "bouncer" was either a 16 year old dude making minimum wage, or a sad, sad older person working that job for I don't know why.

[–]TheNoodleMan 94 points95 points ago

What were some of the worst things the kitchen staff did to the food, and why?

[–]americanslang59 477 points478 points ago

I am pleasantly surprised by hoe fascinating this ama ended up being. Tell me about the sluttiest person you worked with.

[–]jakemg[S] 827 points828 points ago

The chick who took on two dudes (Chinese fingercuffs style) in the walk-in cooler. She would have sex with one of the managers in the manager office, too. She used to hit on me, but I was in a relationship by the time she started working there, and she was probably full of herpes.

[–]enojy 540 points541 points ago

"hoe fascinating"

damn right.

[–]malaia 167 points168 points ago

Anybody ever do anything to the crazy/half broken dancing characters on stage?

[–]jakemg[S] 297 points298 points ago

No. But funny, those things were always broken. They run of pneumatics. We had two massive, massive compressors out back in a room. They still have the same characters and they still break. You get condensation in the compressors if you don't bleed them every day and the that gunks up the tubing, causing things to stop working.

[–]malenkylizards 562 points563 points ago

When I was a kid I snuck up to the stage, untied one of the characters shoelaces and tied them together, thinking he'd trip. I was disappointed when I realized they were on tracks.

[–]willengineerforfood 125 points126 points ago

Has anyone ever pooped in the game room area?

[–]jakemg[S] 379 points380 points ago

Nope, but lots of puking and once a kid dropped his pants and just plain pissed on a game. He was like 10.

[–]kdawg412 108 points109 points ago

I was a game ref at a CEC in OH in the late 90s. One day a kid ate an entire pizza, went in the tubes and slid down the spiral slide puking the entire way....

Also, Ohio kids constantly pissed in the ball pit so we would have to bag them all up in mesh bags and run them through the dishwasher.

[–]FrancisDollarHyde 445 points446 points ago

OK... what the actual hell is going on here? What is a Chuck E. Cheese and where can I find one? And why is everyone having sex whilst the kids get naked in ball bits?

[–]jakemg[S] 483 points484 points ago

Chuck E. Cheese is where a kid can be a kid and where the employees go wild once the doors close.

It's a restaurant/arcade/gameroom for kids.

[–]lechuckyy 1751 points1752 points ago*

I'm european and I don't actually have a question. I just want to say that I read the whole thread until now and to me it seems like this is the dirtiest place ever full of kids taking a piss on videogames and toys, eating shitty food that makes them puke on their piss while the stoned staff kicks out parents having sex in the bathroom and that the staff would have sex in the tubes afterwards while partying all night.

Is this an accurate picture?

EDIT: I'm so sorry this is the top comment LMAO

It was really just for fun, I hope no one actually thinks that I mean all this.

[–]jakemg[S] 832 points833 points ago

Yes. Very accurate.

[–]Repard 104 points105 points ago

Especially in the 90s. You could do anything back then.

[–]beyoncehad 135 points136 points ago

Although it seems pretty trifling, Chuck-E-Cheese was the shit when I was a kid. I can't really remember any days where I had more fun in my childhood then when I went to Chuck-E-Cheese. You spent 4 hours playing arcade games, playing in the ball pit and shit, and eating pizza and drinking soda. Little kids aren't really concerned with with how clean things are, and I don't remember it being a disgusting place.

[–]zero__cool 1478 points1479 points ago*

As an American, I think I just got a little choked up. Thanks for restoring my (misguided) patriotism.