This is difficult to explain, much as it was at the time it was happening.
It started when I was 6 months pregnant with my 2nd child. My son, who was 6, was sitting in the living room, and I was standing in the doorway. We were laughing and talking about the movie he was watching, when it first happened. I suddenly had an image of stabbing him. It only lasted about a second, but it literally almost knocked me off my feet. I stood there frozen wondering how in the hell I could think something so awful. I chocked it up to pregnancy hormones and let it go.
This continued occasionally throughout the pregnancy and birth of my daughter. I continued to think my hormones were just out of whack, and didn't allow myself to read to much into it. I knew I would never hurt my kids, and I believed it would eventually go away. Then one night, we had just gotten back from shopping, and my husband dropped me and my now 2 yr old daughter off while he and my son went to grab dinner. My daughter wanted to try on her glow in the dark pajamas, so we went in her room and turned the lights off. When the lights went off, I had the sudden urge to bash her head into the wall. I didn't touch her, instead I immediately turned the light back on, went through the house turning all the lights on, and sat shaking in the living room. I realize at this point something is terribly wrong and I am terrified. The ramifications of telling anyone would most certainly result in losing my kids. I keep quiet, and internally start obsessing about why I would think about causing harm to the people I love so dearly.
This continues on for another 2 years. I silently suffered my own personal hell, praying daily that if I was to actually be capable of hurting my kids, God would see to it that I died. I contemplated running away or committing suicide, but I knew that would also hurt everyone around me. But I reached my breaking point on July 31st, 2005. My husband was working 3rd shift and my daughter routinely slept with me. I had been having thoughts continuously while she laid next to me, but I had always been able to fight them off. But this night was different. I was almost asleep when it came over me again. The urge to turn over and strangle her. While the urge persisted, I was also praying that it would stop. It was like thinking 2 different things at once. There was almost literally a battle inside my head. I got out of bed to find my husband hadn't left yet. I thought about asking him to stay home that night, but couldn't do it, as he had only had the job for a couple of weeks. I was unusually thirsty, and drank 3-4 glasses of water. I went back to bed thinking it was gone now, but as soon as I heard my husband pull out of the driveway, it struck with a vengeance. I was shaking, I felt nauseous, my legs were like jello. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to fight it off, I finally called my in-laws to come get my kids. When they got there, I broke down and told them, and my mother-in-law came with me to the hospital. I self admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital, where I stayed for 7 days. They immediately said I suffered from depression, but when further exams showed I displayed none of the other symptoms, they sent me for an MRI, which also showed nothing.
No one could definitively tell me what was going on, but put me on an anti-depressant. I saw a psychiatrist and a therapist, both who told me I was not capable of hurting my children, and that it was most likely a chemical imbalance. The fact that my thyroid went out during my pregnancy supported the theory. I don't know if it was the anti-depressant, or the fact I finally confronted the issue, but I have not had any thoughts or impulses since that night.
I write this today as a form of therapy for myself, and to also encourage anyone who has dealt with these kinds of feelings to seek help before it gets worse. You don't have to go through this alone.
EDIT: I have to break for today, as its time for my husband and kids to come home. Thank you for all the supportive comments, and even for the comical ones. I will answer more questions tomorrow.
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