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[–]omgwolverine 96 points97 points ago

I think one of my college roommates used tartar sauce in lieu of cream of tartar. (shudder)

[–]chuffed 79 points80 points ago

When I was in college one of my flatmates decided to cook dinner for some friends. He chose to make crispy orange chicken or something like that.

The recipe called for orange zest, he thought zest was Tang. Blergh.

[–]ada42 19 points20 points ago

I usually use orange drank.

[–]cannus 4 points5 points ago

purple drank 4 life.

[–]adelie42 24 points25 points ago

Well, it isn't a terrible substitution, but if he didn't know the difference, that's a bit worrisome.

[–]moyzington 75 points76 points ago

My aunt is the queen of things like this. She has been know to substitute thinks like ketchup for tomato paste, canned tuna for fresh salmon, relish for frozen spinach. She basically will use anything that is the right "color" or the same "basic idea"

[–]Talman 96 points97 points ago

That sounds like "X is too expensive, I'll ghetto princess the recipe."

[–]evange 4 points5 points ago

Get this person a show on the food network, stat!

[–]duckedtapedemon 7 points8 points ago

Followed by the spinoff, where they road trip around the country eating and the worst restaurants and saying "Yeah, not bad" at each.

[–]KitchenNinja 42 points43 points ago

My mom made pancakes from a mix. She didn't have milk, so she used orange juice since THEY WERE BOTH BREAKFAST DRINKS! I've become a wonderful cook from having to cook for myself from a young age.

[–]ScottFoxKeaton 4 points5 points ago

I like adding about a half cup or so of orange juice to my pancakes

[–]sleepeejack 14 points15 points ago

Sometimes you can get away with the ketchup-for-tomato-paste substitution. For me, it's much easier to user ketchup when making Mexican rice.

[–]notevenclosebby 11 points12 points ago

Get out of here!

[–]notadutchboy 139 points140 points ago

I was making scrambled eggs. I'd run out of milk so I used discount Baileys.

Pro tip: don't.

[–]lionheartednyhc 36 points37 points ago

Would full-price baileys be acceptable?

[–]notadutchboy 9 points10 points ago

I don't know ... I think you should try it! ;-)

[–]runer113 15 points16 points ago

My Ex would make scrambled eggs with lucky charms... and make peanut butter with cold pasta sauce sandwiches

She would then try and convince me how delicious they were as she choked them down.

[–]SamuraiSevens 22 points23 points ago

that may be the most disgusting sandwich that I've ever heard of

[–]thechao 4 points5 points ago

I'm no longer imagining two dishes, but one horrendous sandwich.

[–]runer113 2 points3 points ago

She might have most definitely had some eating disorders so her nutritional balance was all out of whack, caused her to have gross food combination cravings.

[–]GreenBeanCassarole 9 points10 points ago

That reminds me of when I was little and swore up and down that Alphabits cereal and Cran-grape were fine together. I didn't need milk!

It was so gross but I ate the whole bowl anyway to be a defiant little child that didn't want to be wrong.

[–]KFuchs 29 points30 points ago

Why do you need milk for scrambled eggs?

[–]notadutchboy 122 points123 points ago

You need a lot of things the morning after drunkenly confessing your undying love for your straight best friend.

[–]xylum 7 points8 points ago

makes sense to me

amadutchboy

[–]byuntae 6 points7 points ago

Bra-fucking-vo sir. Best non sequitur comment I have read in a long while.

[–]ruinmaker 3 points4 points ago

Sounds like the Baileys might not have been all that bad of an idea.

[–]CobraStallone 15 points16 points ago

It makes them fluffier. Add very little though.

[–]GreenBeanCassarole 3 points4 points ago

I learned it was too make them fluffier but I've heard that it may actually do the reverse. So I usually say fuck it and still add milk anyway out of childhood tradition and because it's good.

Except now that I learned how easy it is to make poach and egg I may never go back.

[–]heavysteve 66 points67 points ago

I had some friends who were planning a huge dinner for like a dozen people. They couldnt cook at all, the main was a pork loin roast that they braised in white vinegar(with no salt) at 425 for 13 hours. It was terrible, the vinegar boiled off so the bottom half of the roast was concentrated acetic acid, tasted like a battery

[–]hellishly_subtle 52 points53 points ago

Oh my god that's hilarious. 425 for 13 HOURS?!?

[–]US_Hiker 17 points18 points ago

Uhmmm....why? Where the hell could they have gotten an idea to do that?

[–]heavysteve 8 points9 points ago

They were crackheads, I have no idea where they would have gotten the idea for vinegar though

[–]erkn 9 points10 points ago

If they couldn't cook, why in the hell would they throw a dinner part for a dozen people?

[–]heavysteve 12 points13 points ago

They were crackheads, they were trying to be nice to everyone. In their defence, they made stuffed mushroom that were really good

[–]emehrkay 18 points19 points ago

stuffed with crack maybe?

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

"Oh man, these mushrooms are so good, I can't get enough of them! Let's do pushups while we wait for dessert!"

[–]Huellio 60 points61 points ago

Due to poor marking my mom once put powdered sugar in a bread recipe instead of flour.

Not an intentional substitution but the results were ridiculous.

[–]bobroberts7441 38 points39 points ago

I once fried chicken in powdered sugar by mistake. Take note when your first coat dissolves.

[–]Probably-Lying 10 points11 points ago

Now i know that these comments are typically frowned upon with downvotes as it adds nothing to the thread. and it may be the alcohol, but you made me laugh, obnoxiously. Telling you that is worth the risk of downvotes. Thank you

[–]chakrakhan 4 points5 points ago

Coming from another drunk bastard, what a useless comment.

[–]dskatz2 30 points31 points ago

I must know more. Elaborate!

[–]b1rd 12 points13 points ago

My dad once confused the salt for the sugar when making cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving. He's the sort of person who doesn't bother tasting his recipes when he's done, he just throws it on the table or into some Tupperware.

Anyway, flash forward to the next day, and we're all sitting down to eat. Like 3 of us tried it and almost died before someone finally had the balls to ask why the sauce was so disgusting this year. It was a relief when he realized what he had done, because I think everyone was worried we were going to have to pretend it was delicious to spare his feelings.

[–]2bass 11 points12 points ago

My mom once made cupcakes with pancake batter instead of flour. They were like rocks. My brother threw one at a wall and it left a dent.

[–]adelie42 6 points7 points ago

Embarrassing: Long ago I thought one could substitute greasing a pan with using flour baking soda.

I was young. The bread was pretty good, but the crust was not edible. Not sure how I got that mixed up.

Just curious, could you elaborate on the outcome of of that "bread"?

[–]Huellio 22 points23 points ago

It was a really long time ago, but I remember it being dark black on the outside, looking kind of like a completely burned marshmallow, and the inside was this orange goo, again similar consistency to a burned mallow only the inside, which makes sense thinking back on it.

And naturally it didn't rise at all so it was kind of dense and brick-like.

[–]cattac 16 points17 points ago

I'm just impressed that she apparently managed to knead powdered sugar.

[–]Huellio 3 points4 points ago

I don't know the specifics but I remember it was something that she could just mix up and bake, I think it may have been in a bread maker or something.

[–]Godphree 215 points216 points ago

Slightly off-topic, but what really cheeses me off is reading about other people's substitutions on recipe-sharing sites like food.com. "I didn't have bell peppers so I used carrots and broccoli, and I used cinnamon instead of the allspice. It was just okay. 2 stars."

[–]omgwolverine 242 points243 points ago

I keep an eye out for those reviews because I find them so hilarious. ''I substituted tuna for the chocolate, and ranch dressing for the sugar, and then I baked the whole thing in an old shoe. Terrible chocolate cake. One star.''

[–]Addicted2Qtips 32 points33 points ago

Relevant! Please read the comments on Paula Deen's English Peas recipe!!! http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/english-peas-recipe/index.html

[–]VoteOrPie 27 points28 points ago

For the lazy...

The recipe involves heating up canned peas with butter. That's all. The reviews are as follows:

Substituted non-fat milk for butter... The milk curdled :( my kids ate them after I told them it was peas and warmed cottage cheese : Thanks Paula!

...

I clicked on the "Print Recipe" link for this recipe, but my printer only printed out a sheet of paper that read, "Your An Idiot!"...and I can't even reply to it to tell it that it misspelled "you're". Help!

...

This was outstanding! I did make a couple modifications. I eliminated the butter, and in place of the peas I substituted one can of Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs.

...

I didn't read the recipe carefully. I forgot to add the peas and used 2 sticks of butter, instead of 1/2. Refusing to panic, I served my guests a small cup of the melted butter, to which I added a few chopped green onions, prior to the main meal (assorted Healthy Choice dinners. I told my guests it was "Paula's Special Soup". It got rave reviews. Now I have to send everyone the recipe. Thanks, Paula. Highly recommend.

[–]Addicted2Qtips 21 points22 points ago

It's one of the funniest recipe threads on the planet. I die reading them all!

Intriguing recipe. Too bad I didn't have any peas, so instead I used waffles. I melted the butter in the microwave as I don't own any pots, luckily I'm pretty smart and remembered to take the butter out of its wrapper before putting the whole stick in the microwave. After ten minutes I opened the microwave door and liquid butter ran all over my kitchen counter. I quickly grabbed my waffles to wipe it all up and soak it in but realized I was actually using carrots which are in no way absorbent.

[–]helloyoutubes 6 points7 points ago

Another good one

I didn't have these exotic peas in my pantry, but I did have English muffins. Also saw I was low on butter but had some bags of butter lovers microwave popcorn. I put the muffins and the popcorn in the pot over med heat and served. WOW!! The flavor was splendid, though the texture was undesirable. For dessert I took 6 chocolate bars and warmed them slowly in a pan. I then poured the contents into bowl and let cool to room temp. LOL everyone thought they were eating chocolate bars. So yummy!! Thought I'd share one back Paula. Thank You!!

[–]spacedout83 17 points18 points ago

Can anyone tell me what I'm supposed to do with the paper from the butter wrap that's in the melted butter? Is this a garnish?

Made me lol.

[–]tumbleweedss 20 points21 points ago

This made me laugh more than I care to admit.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

You added Bailey's right?

[–]Dasmitch 5 points6 points ago

Gotta be served in an old shoe.

[–]GreenBeanCassarole 6 points7 points ago

Holy shit, that nailed it.

[–]CrossingTheT 13 points14 points ago

Terrible chocolate cake, but delicious tuna casserole.

[–]happybadger 42 points43 points ago

Tried pie recipe, replaced pie with dog in oven, dog died, 1 star and reported.

[–]Talman 38 points39 points ago

I ignored everything in your recipe, and it turned out horribly. Fuck you, 1 star, would never make this again.

[–]Avrienne 18 points19 points ago

I am so with you here. Not that I don't make substitutions or alterations, because I do, but if I change anything at all significant, I don't rate the recipe.

[–]pefyeah 12 points13 points ago

I'm going to be using the phrase "cheeses me off" all the time.

[–]whoami9 12 points13 points ago

You also have to beware of the opposite. So many people give a list of like 5 ingredients that they substituted or changed the amount on. They then say it turned out great and give the fucking recipe 5 stars. It doesn't deserve 5 stars if you had to fuck with it to make it work.

[–]Alect0 4 points5 points ago

I actually prefer that people still give ratings even if they have made substitutions so I can see if they have worked.

[–]shaoxing 2 points3 points ago

[–]yujisaurus 47 points48 points ago

My old roommate was making mac and cheese but didn't have any milk....he did, however, find some vanilla coffee creamer.

[–]champgm 41 points42 points ago

That powder is so thick, he could have just used water. A little extra butter will completely cover up the fact that you didn't use milk.

[–]saintducksauce 13 points14 points ago

For box mac & cheese I typically use some of the leftover pasta water (and no butter). Works really well!

[–]KorayA 2 points3 points ago

Built in thickener, fuck yeah!

[–]octupie 17 points18 points ago

I've had a friend use only butter. You know it's good when you can feel your arteries clogging as you eat :)

[–]foodie78 18 points19 points ago

haha I'll admit I have used vanilla soy milk for Mac and cheese... not bad, also not good.

[–]silverbeat 2 points3 points ago

I did this too.. but with Silk's Very Vanilla [read: very sugary] soymilk.. it makes me shudder just thinking about it.

[–]Mokelachild 9 points10 points ago

I have used plain yogurt in sub for milk. it makes it a little more tangy (if that's the right word) but SO good and thick.

[–]fiveifrenzy6 5 points6 points ago

if you add some sour cream to those velveta box ones its actually really good.

[–]GreenBeanCassarole 7 points8 points ago

Stop it, you. That velveta boxed stuff is the best macaroni-and-not-cheese just the way it is.

On a side note, my friends sent me a box of it when I lived in France in my care package. Not only did I get super sick from eating it, the sight of me squeezing "cheese" out of a package completely repulsed my (english) boyfriend and our (french) friends. They laughed at me when I was sick and asked if it was worth it to eat all that processed cheese stuff. Answer? Fuck yes it was.

[–]chickwithsticks 37 points38 points ago

As a youngster (maybe 8 or 9 years old) my friend and I were making cookies. They got in the oven and started to expand. We ran out of the kitchen screaming for her dad (parents were nearby but figured we were old enough to do it ourselves). There were these awful terrifying enormous cookies growing in her oven... turns out we'd used pancake mix instead of flour. (They were in similar containers and not labelled).

Not a true substitution but a hilarious mistake.

[–]eerezo 34 points35 points ago

I bungled a last-minute adaptation of a Korean seafood pancake. I realized one of my guests was massively allergic to shellfish and wheat. So instead of finding something different to cook, I used artichoke hearts and sweet potato starch instead of shellfish and flour. It still vaguely resembled a pancake...

[–]mainsworth 15 points16 points ago

How'd it taste?

[–]eerezo 14 points15 points ago

Very unlike the original. I think the seafood flavors are supposed to seep out into the eggy/pancakey/frittata-ey extravaganza, but this was just some artichokes hanging out in a batter.

[–]g-e-o-f-f 26 points27 points ago

When I was kid (pre-teen/early teen years) my mom was working and working on her Master's degree, and I'd cook dinner for the family about once a week. I was making some baked, cheesy pasta dish, and couldn't find the Evaporated milk. I saw some condensed milk in the pantry, and thought to myself - "condensed means the same as evaporated right? I mean, if you evaporate milk, it'd be more condensed".

My brother and sister were stoked that we got to order Pizza that night. I was sad my dish didn't work.

[–]stoplightrave 4 points5 points ago

I think that's an easy mistake; I still have to check the ingredients to remember which is which.

[–]jusjerm 20 points21 points ago

Butter + milk = Buttermilk.... no, no it does not.

[–]scrimsims 13 points14 points ago

Milk + vinegar or lemon does work though. Let it curdle a bit. I have a recipe that calls for buttermilk and couldn't get it for a while. Found these in an old cooking book.

[–]craaackle 3 points4 points ago

Milk + lemon juice = meh buttermilk.

[–]andtheodor 45 points46 points ago

I saw someone frosting a cake decide it was too thick and needed more moisture to spread evenly. She poured milk onto the partially frosted cake.

[–]codyave 10 points11 points ago

i'd like to see a picture of someone in the middle of doing just that.

[–]aud_nih 22 points23 points ago

Not exactly a substitution, but...

Was making milkshakes in a home economics class way back when.

Recipe called for sugar. Found sugar looking substance in jar under sink. Used substance.

Substance was actually salt.

Imagine expecting a delicious strawberry milkshake, and instead getting a mouth full of extremely salty strawberry creaminess. Feels bad man.

[–]lackofbrain 25 points26 points ago

Could have been worse - white powdery substances under the sink have a tendency of being things like washing powder, or worse!

[–]sabin357 10 points11 points ago

What kind of shake calls for added sugar? I'd think there would be plenty in the ice cream.

[–]evilsteff 2 points3 points ago

Ha, I did that as a kid when making Cool-aid. I was really thirsty and drank a whole glass of it before the taste kicked in....bleagh!

[–]toaster13 64 points65 points ago

Ooh ooh i got this!

I had two roommates insist you could substitute bloody Mary mix for oil in a deep fryer "because it has water in it". I had to call a third roommate who worked at a restaurant with fryers to convince them they were wrong.

Why did they want to do this? To save a 5 minute drive to the supermarket for oil.

[–]jojoko 20 points21 points ago

i don't even see their logic. oil doesn't have water in it.

[–]rawmeatdisco 5 points6 points ago

By Blood Mary mix do you mean Tomato Juice with added seasoning?? Why would anyone think that would work?

[–]stoplightrave 2 points3 points ago

Were you going to eat it? I would have just let them go ahead poach their fries in tomato juice for comedy's sake.

[–]hozjo 19 points20 points ago

Intentional or unintentional. My mom was making a whiskey stew and ended up pouring in homemade Kahlua that happened to be in a whiskey bottle. Kahlua stew tastes like ass, especially when a bunch of other things get dumped in there to cover up the taste.

I have thrown bok choy into colcannon actually turned out pretty well.

[–]olympusmons 12 points13 points ago

"Did you ever eat Colcannon, made from lovely pickled cream?
With the greens and scallions mingled like a picture in a dream.
Did you ever make a hole on top to hold the melting flake
Of the creamy, flavoured butter that your mother used to make?"

"Yes you did, so you did, so did he and so did I.
And the more I think about it sure the nearer I'm to cry.
Oh, wasn't it the happy days when troubles we had not,
And our mothers made Colcannon in the little skillet pot."

[–]hellishly_subtle 3 points4 points ago

immediately goes to kitchen to make colcannon

[–]fascfoo 20 points21 points ago

Was making potatos au grain recently. Recipe called for cream, but didn't have any on hand.

I put skim milk and some heaping spoonfuls of sour cream into a tupperware container and shook the shit out of it. Hey, it looked cream like afterwards... ಠ_ಠ

[–]upleft 24 points25 points ago

Still sounds good for potatoes au gratin. If you were trying to make an alfredo sauce or something, that would be.. interesting.

[–]adan100 10 points11 points ago

or a milkshake. bleagh

[–]cattac 62 points63 points ago

My milkshake brings all the boys to th- blaaaaaarrgh

[–]bubbo 14 points15 points ago

I had a recipe call for half and half so I mixed equal parts milk with melted butter, turned out okay (popovers I think).

[–]keepinuasecretx3 6 points7 points ago

i think thats a legitimate cooking substitution, so good thinking!

[–]Grammar_Buddy 53 points54 points ago

Years ago, I came into work the morning after making my first Alfredo sauce. Making mention of the fact, a woman I work with said that she, too had made homemade Alfredo sauce for the first time the night before. I said how astounded I was at how good it tasted. She frowned and said hers wasn't very good at all:

ME: Well, did you use real, fresh Parmesan (Parmigiano-Reggiano)?

Her: No, I used the shaky powder stuff.

ME: Did you at least use real butter?

Her: No, I used fat-free margarine.

ME: So, how 'bout heavy cream?

Her: Nope, I used skim milk.

:O(

[–]Talman 25 points26 points ago

So, that's... cheese water?

[–]eahenry 40 points41 points ago

It's so watery! And yet it smacks of ham!

[–]pwnguin909 19 points20 points ago

Some things, you just can't fake.

[–]asphyxiate 10 points11 points ago

Like the heart attack you'll get after supping on that sweet, sweet Alfredo nectar...

[–]iLiveInSanDiego 48 points49 points ago

Not so ridiculous... but when living in Spain, next door neighbor from the States went over to my mom and asked to borrow "the yellow food dye" she used in her "arroz con pollo" dish. She wanted saffron.

She used blue.

[–]ladyvonkulp 32 points33 points ago

That is expensive yellow food dye.

[–]Bridovertroublewater 14 points15 points ago

One time my friend was making brownies and, lacking butter, decided olive oil was an acceptable substitute. Regrettably, it was basil-infused olive oil...results were displeasing.

[–]nickcash 11 points12 points ago

I've used regular olive oil in brownies before. No one noticed!

[–]saiph 12 points13 points ago*

This will get horribly buried, but it's worth sharing:

My mother was making homemade applesauce, and she read somewhere that she could use red hots instead of cinnamon (which actually sounds perfectly reasonable). She then went and substituted peppermint candy canes for the red hots. That's right, she substituted for a substitution. "But I thought red hots were minty!"

Bonus applesauce story: My sister (who is actually a wonderful cook) was making applesauce. She managed to distractedly toss in paprika instead of cinnamon. Blegh.

Bonus applesauce story #2: My grandmother wanted to spice up some store-bought applesauce (thank the gods; we had already had enough applesauce mishaps). She thought it would be a brilliant idea to make it all festive and christmas-y by using food color to dye half red and half green, and then swirling the two together. Yeahhh...It didn't taste bad, but man did come out a nasty shade of poop.

TL;DR: My family has issues with applesauce. God knows why I still love it.

[–]ChickenTaco 14 points15 points ago

A girl I know cooked me breakfeast and was making some french toast but didn't have any toast (for some reason) so she used garlic bread instead.

[–]Kalgaroo 62 points63 points ago

It's okay, I don't usually keep toast on-hand either. I prefer to make it fresh.

[–]donnyt 31 points32 points ago

I have a great recipe for toast! I'll post it next time I make some.

[–]edsspoon 17 points18 points ago

When're you making some? I buy my toast from the store, but I'd love to know how to make it from scratch.

[–]lionheartednyhc 6 points7 points ago

Conversely, using chocolate babka (it's a Jew thing) is amazing.

[–]cme044 12 points13 points ago

Not really a substitution, but some of the comments reminded me of this.. My brother was making some icing for a cake. I told him to put some coffee in and he thought that meant coffee grounds. Needless to say the icing wasn't very smooth or tasty. (I also should add that my brother was around 16 at the time)

[–]fimcotw 10 points11 points ago

How bad is peas for beans in chili?

[–]champgm 7 points8 points ago

That actually sounds kind of interesting.

[–]ereandir 12 points13 points ago

1:1 butter and sugar instead of an actual shortbread pie crust. I also added sugar to the raspberry filling.

Three bites of that pie and I was seeing through time.

[–]michiroo 8 points9 points ago

Heh, not intentional but I started frying chicken in vinegar instead of oil one time, the bottles looked the same. It took an embarrassingly long time to notice something was wrong while cooking.

In any case, my grandma was AWFUL for not putting salt in anything. "Well it's a cookie recipe, why would I need salt!??? Salt is not sweet!" Me: "...JUST ADD THE SALT!!"

She also discovered that using dark rum instead of water in cake mix is amazing. She'd been spiking my birthday cakes since birth. ಠ_ಠ

[–]morgaes 2 points3 points ago

The eye-watering fumes didn't tip you off?

[–]jgetto 20 points21 points ago

One of my friends was unaware that garam masala (the indian spice) and Marsala (the fortified wine) we're different things. I didn't get to see the result, but I heard it was some interesting chicken.

[–]macros-the-black 14 points15 points ago

Try drinking a glass of garam masala.

[–]stoplightrave 2 points3 points ago

Chicken Tikka Marsala?

[–]DeMartini 10 points11 points ago

My mother once coated pre-made biscuits from a tin in baking powder instead of flour. My neice and nephews were there to go on a trip to some place that passes for a theme park in Arkansas. The biscuits did not turn out to be edible, but that wasn't discovered until the kids had all taken a couple each.

Now, my parents are fairly strict about just about everything, but especially if you put food on your plate you will eat it. There was an ultimatum that no one would leave until every biscuit was eaten. My oldest nephew took one for the team and forced down six disgusting, blackened hockey puck biscuits.

They got about three hours from home and he started throwing up everywhere. They never made it to the theme park.

[–]LibraryGeek 10 points11 points ago

awww poor kid~ Did your mother realize her biscuits were ruined -- and still expected the kids to eat them?

[–]bzjones 8 points9 points ago

Friends forgot to buy almonds while making marzipan. Instead of calling the girl who wasn't there yet and having her pick some up, they crushed up Honey Bunches of Oats cereal (the almond variety) and used that.

[–]InfinitelyThirsting 7 points8 points ago

Wat. Why...? I don't even understand why you would try to make almond paste without almonds. For some reason this baffles me more than the others.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

My father, an ordained Pastor, asked me recently when it was I lost faith in God:

When I was about 10 or 11, my sister and I were staying with my grandmother her for a weekend while my parents fucked off to who knows where. For lunch, one day, we had gone to TacoBell and brought it back home to eat.

My sister and I occupied the Television most of the afternoon and started getting hungry around night fall.

Grandma, who "just wanted to watch my soaps, god dammit", decided to make spaghetti for dinner. No meat. Just noodles and sauce.

Except she didn't have any sauce.

So, she decided to make her own.

Here is my grandmother's recipe for impromptu spaghetti sauce:

  • Ketchup - an unkwowable amount
  • Water - to dilute the ketchup
  • Onion Flakes - because onions, duh
  • Yellow Mustard - hey, it's good on sandwiches
  • Dried Ground Ginger - why the fuck not?

But the secret ingredient, the kicker here, was:

3 TacoBell Mild Taco Sauce Packets

tl;dr - grandma was batshit crazy

[–]w3y 17 points18 points ago

One time, I was all set to making chocolate chip cookies. I mixed everything up and put them in the oven. When I pulled them out, they were hard as a rock and didn't rise at all and tasted really salty.

Upon further inspection, I used cornstarch instead of flour. I also used salt instead of sugar.

Then I started labeling all the containers and jars.

[–]Bloodricuted 7 points8 points ago

I substituted corn meal for mesa harina, we ended up with very dry and coarse tortillas

[–]milleribsen 6 points7 points ago

Not me, but on my favorite podcast, when they were still a radio show, they had their sound engineer make "snickers pie" which called for marscapone cheese, which he replaced with chevre.

[–]EricaBearica 10 points11 points ago

My friend and I were making a box of brownies around age 9 or 10, bought sprinkles and icing and got super excited to get the kitchen to ourselves for a couple hours. When assembling the materials, we couldn't find vegetable oil in the cabinets. Luckily, her grandma lived next door and was a respectable grandmother with many baking supplies. Friend comes back with oil in a measuring cup, so everything seems to be going well. After baking, icing, and sprinkling, we feasted. These things were gooey and spectacular. Shortly afterward, both of us are super energetic, bouncing off the walls and being obnoxious 9 or 10 year olds... then we both crashed and napped for about an hour or so. I asked her what she got from her grandma's house, and I remember exactly what she told me: "Well, I couldn't find vegetable oil, but I found corn syrup. Corn is like a vegetable, right?"

[–]belfegore 11 points12 points ago

Once, by accident, I used baking soda instead of baking powder when making cornbread. Turned out flat and dense, and all you could taste was the baking soda. Ugh.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]pacoBgood 8 points9 points ago

Cream of tartar is the acid in baking powder. Think of it as powdered vinegar.

[–]jayjaym[S] 3 points4 points ago

I made the same mistake when I was making a batch of donuts as a kid. Even the dogs wouldn't eat them.

[–]fingerflinger 10 points11 points ago

Once, at a restaurant, I was served a salad with tartar sauce instead of bleu cheese dressing.

[–]pwnguin909 8 points9 points ago

I ordered a Cobb Salad. They gave me mayo instead of bleu cheese dressing.

[–]mcnica 6 points7 points ago

Once I ordered a cheesecake from a restaurant. It had a red sauce on it which looked delicious. Turns they mixed up the ketchup and the raspberry coulis that night.

[–]TuckerTheCat 46 points47 points ago

Turkey bacon for bacon.

[–]jayjaym[S] 73 points74 points ago

My sister-in-laws kids visited this summer. They thought they didn't like bacon. Then they learned that real bacon comes from pigs. Turns out they love bacon.

[–]Mokelachild 25 points26 points ago

I know reddit loves bacon, but i grew up with turkey bacon and i love it. I love pig bacon too, but sometimes i find it to be too fatty (gasp!)

[–]wee0x1b 23 points24 points ago

Make your own. I do. My wife can't stand bacon fat, and won't eat bacon. Unless I make it from an actual pork belly. Then she eats all the bacon.

Commercial bacon has been injected with nitrites/smoke flavor and salted to with an inch of your life. My bacon has a comparatively minuscule amount of salt, and spends 3-4 hours in smoke before slicing. It's not sprayed with smoke flavor and then dragged through a smoky chamber for 5 minutes.

Go find someone who makes bacon from non-factory pigs. It's absolutely heavenly. You will save every molecule and use that fat everywhere. Or at least, you should. Tell me that's not tasty: http://i.imgur.com/UgkLD.jpg

[–]jayjaym[S] 6 points7 points ago

Now I want bacon.

[–]uselessdegree 19 points20 points ago

Pretty much any time someone substitutes shortening for butter. My one friend swears to god that her chocolate chip cookies using shortening are velvety delicious goodness and no one can tell she uses shortening. I took one bite that slid down my throat like a well-lubed aborted fetus finding its way home, and waited for an opportunity to throw the rest away without her noticing.

[–]veggie_sorry 10 points11 points ago

I used a can of black beans as a substitute for eggs, butter (oil) & milk in my last brownie recipe. Actually turned out pretty good. No one could tell I used beans. Just puree the beans in a blender and boom. Bean brownies.

[–]wayhaps 6 points7 points ago

I can attest to the deliciousness of black bean brownies.

[–]kyrie-eleison 1 point2 points ago

Shortening sounds weird, but there's no butter in my chocolate chip cookies. Margarine and oil.

[–]happybadger 9 points10 points ago

Margarine

Why do you hate America?

[–]champgm 13 points14 points ago

A friend of mine's daughter tried to make us tiramisu with almond extract instead of amaretto/almond liqueur. It was horrifying.

[–]needsmorecoffee 9 points10 points ago

amaretto and almond now always remind me of the time the lady at the whole foods coffee bar told me about the person who said, "this isn't amaretto! this tastes like almond!"

[–]bkarfunk 5 points6 points ago

I went to meet the girlfriend's family over Thanksgiving, to find out I probably cook the most of everyone in attendance. Her mom was doing the gravy, and called me over to see if I could give a hand. Happy to help, I came on over intent to not make a fool of myself infront of this woman I'd just met. Unfortunately we didn't have any turkey drippings as she'd picked up a pre cooked turkey breast at HEB, and so no giblets either.

What she did have was three cups of turkey broth simmering in a pan with a cup of flour stirred in, and two chopped hard boiled eggs. I'd never heard of hard boiled eggs in gravy but have since learned that its pretty common in southern cooking. But so are the giblets and roux. There was no saving that gravy...

[–]milleribsen 11 points12 points ago

you could totally save that gravy. First we need a fat, butter comes to mind, then start getting that flower in there. It won't be great, but it would be something.

[–]seamonkee 7 points8 points ago*

[–]milleribsen 17 points18 points ago

damn. I'm not going to fix it so everyone can see my shame. Obviously I meant to write flour.

[–]seamonkee 10 points11 points ago

I'm from the south and I've never had hard boiled eggs in gravy. Ever. That's just a sin.

[–]uberyeti 5 points6 points ago

This one isn't too riduclous, but I was mixing a White Russian the other day and used double cream instead of milk. I thought it would be delicious, but the alcohol caused the cream to separate into curds and whey and it was disgusting.

[–]mamacrocker 13 points14 points ago

My dad was making a traditional Slovak dish that calls for ground pork. He decided on the spur of the moment to "spice it up" with chorizo. Cue cabbage rolls floating in orange grease. It actually didn't taste bad, though.

[–]gregdbowen 9 points10 points ago

Crushed Cheerios for baking powder.

[–]TableTopJosephine 6 points7 points ago

This makes absolutely no sense. Perfect!

[–]skipytripz 4 points5 points ago

this makes me think of [this] scene from one of my favorite movies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeRVB2XP19g)

[–]silverbeat 3 points4 points ago

I was making chocolate chip cookies once and realized I was short on butter. But I did have bacon grease. What's the worst that could happen?

Only gargling with bleach could get the taste out.

[–]bluesox 4 points5 points ago

That sounds phenomenal. I'm trying it anyway.

[–]redditiem 5 points6 points ago

mac and cheese: mayo instead of butter/milk.

[–]tucker_baby13 5 points6 points ago

My sister isn't the brightest. She was trying to make cookies and had to run to the store for cream of tartar. She later said she couldn't find it in the soup aisle so she used cream of chicken instead.

[–]HerIndoors 11 points12 points ago

My husband substituted rotten potatoes for fresh ones in shepards pie. They were as soft as sponges but he didn't feel like going to the store or making something else.

[–]thingamarob 20 points21 points ago

Potatoes au grotten?

[–]uselessdegree 10 points11 points ago

That is not substitution. That is laze. Dangerous, dangerous laze.

[–]ifjr 8 points9 points ago

Miracle whip for mayonnaise

[–]hellishly_subtle 21 points22 points ago

Miracle whip is an abomination.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]girlinboots 13 points14 points ago

There was a hipster coffee shop down the street from where I used to live that did a lot of vegan recipes (the owner made them all himself). I would kill people for those apple muffins. I don't know how he got them to be so delicious and moist and fantastic examples of baking, but I'm pretty sure it involved Satan.

[–]clydiebaby 15 points16 points ago

I use applesauce instead of oil, but eggs serve an important textural function.

[–]seamonkee 47 points48 points ago

I had a vegan try and explain to me that their collaboration of chemicals for all of their "substitutes" (butter, eggs, etc) actually taste good and are healthier for you than sustainably raised, non-hormone chicken eggs and butter that was shaken right from the cow's teat. I couldn't even. I just walked away.

I don't mind the vegans. More power to them, really. But stop trying to lie to me. That stuff does not bake up right.

[–]renholder 14 points15 points ago

I'm actually friends with a vegan who can bake quite well, but she has the awful flaw of telling everyone that her baked goods are vegan, and then no one wants to try them. I told her to keep her mouth shut about it, and only mention it if someone inquires about the recipe. Also, she just uses silken tofu as an egg substitute.

[–]saintducksauce 21 points22 points ago

I've had some pretty mean vegan cupcakes.

Apparently ground flax-seed can sub for eggs, and when coconut butter is made into frosting: yum.

[–]oh_whattodo 14 points15 points ago*

Yeah, man. Some of the best pastries I've ever had were vegan.

Edit: revenge on auto-correct.

[–]project_twenty5oh1 4 points5 points ago

whenever I say this people look at me like I've got two heads.

[–]bowling4meth 26 points27 points ago

Ground brick dust for Heroin.

[–]Thaliana 7 points8 points ago

Heroin is great with a little of lemon juice or vinegar.

[–]uselessdegree 1 point2 points ago

This explains your username.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

When I was a kid I wanted a bowl of cereal but we were out of milk, so I used water instead.

[–]ladyvonkulp 5 points6 points ago

Or orange juice.

[–]vonwigglesworth 3 points4 points ago

When I was a little kid, at a friend's birthday party I thought I was being super smart and told EVERYONE to use sugar instead of salt to put on their fries. Needless to say, that one haunted me for a little while, as I essentially ruined everyone's fries.

[–]carlottavaldez 0 points1 point ago

My ex used beer in mashed potatoes because I didn't have cows milk at my house. It was gross and actually really pissed me off...

[–]Castironqueen 2 points3 points ago

Substituted vanilla almond milk for milk, in clam chowder, yeah that went down the drain so fast.

[–]Sacrament_of_Swords 5 points6 points ago

Olive oil instead of vegetable oil for brownies.

Yech.

[–]veggie-dumpling 9 points10 points ago

Using olive oil in baked goods is catching on these days.

I made olive oil yogurt cake once, and it turned out quite well.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

Link.

I mean, why wouldn't you want to use a pigeon?

[–]Avrienne 7 points8 points ago

I was wondering if someone was going to link me when I saw this thread.

Maybe because I can't get pigeon/squab around here, and because I have a tight food budget and don't want to spend a lot on all the duck/hen/whatever that I'm hearing I should be using instead of my trusty chicken thighs?

[–]ronano 1 point2 points ago

my dad put hp bbq sauce in the good christmas gravy

didnt tell anyone either

[–]fredcai6 2 points3 points ago

Some of my friends were making a curry once (in an extreme circumstance), and one of them decided that cayenne would be an acceptable substitution for the curry powder we had on hand. It was still good, but it had a helluva kick to it.

[–]Astro_naut 2 points3 points ago

Rock salt for table salt... in pancakes

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

My mother, who is usually a fantastic cook and an outstanding, if home-taught, baker. A year or so ago, she asked my brother-in-law what kind of pie he'd like for Christmas.

His favorite is blueberry and she set out to make one from scratch.

It smelled DELICIOUS and I cut into it, it was really runny. And there were little white things in it.

I took a bite and nearly broke all of my teeth.

me: Uhh... something's wrong.

her: ?

me: what are these little pebbles?

her: Tapioca _^

me: What?

Her: The recipe called for tapioca.

me: Mom, that's supposed to be... tapioca flower.

her: Well it jsut said tapioca _^

me: So you bought tapioca pearls? Did you soak them?

her: What?

me: soak... them...

My Brother-In-Law: crunchcrunchwincecrunch Don't worry... it's great

[–]Alfdis 2 points3 points ago

My grandparents are horrific cooks. I literally have to eat before I go there and just push food around my plate while nibbling to prevent a terrible, foul evening of explosive bowel emptying. They thought I had an eating disorder for many years, but I was really trying to prevent illness.

They would do ridiculous things, the one that stands out the most was the use of sweetened, condensed milk in mashed potatoes. My grandfather mixes a whole can right in as a substitute for milk. I don't know why, but this substitution makes the potatoes taste vile and go right through you.