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[–]NowISeeTheFunnySide 1377 points1378 points ago

Keep a Word document or something similar with all of their medications with dosages. If they have surgeries or other medical procedures, track the date and type of procedure done.

If anything ever happens, the EMT's and emergency room doctors will be very thankful. Otherwise you have to try and remember this stuff off the top of your head during a stressful situation.

Keep it updated as well!

[–]Strawberry_Poptart 118 points119 points ago

Yes, this, and a personal medical alarm. If they ever spend time alone and have a hard time getting up by themselves a personal medical alarm could save their lives. Even if they don't fall down, older people are more prone to certain types of accidents, especially choking.

I had a call last month where an otherwise healthy 74 year old man was choking on a chunk of beef stew. He activated his personal medical alarm, and went unconscious in the two and a half minutes it took for my crew to get on scene.

When we knocked on the door, there was no response, so the engine company broke in.

We found the man unresponsive on the floor, not breathing with a faint pulse. When I went to intubate him, I saw a chunk of meat stuck just over the glottic opening. I yanked it out, put the tube in and ventilated.

His vital signs were normal by the time we got to the hospital, and he fully recovered by the end of the day.

He had a full list of his medications, allergies, and health problems on his refrigerator right next to contact information for his children and his doctors.

This guy did everything right (except for forgetting to chew his food).

Because he was able to immediately access EMS with his personal medical alarm, and we were able to immediately diagnose the problem (thanks in part to his readily available medical info), his life was saved.

[–]bonestamp 19 points20 points ago

This. I lived with my friend's granny for a short time during college. She became my granny. She made great meals, we'd have evening cocktails, I helped her with stuff around the house, she had somebody to look after her, it was a great deal for both of us. Anyway, a few years later she was living alone again... she fell getting out of the tub and bumped her head. She ended up lying in the cold bath water for three days before somebody realized something was up. She lived, but she has needed extra care ever since and her health suffered terribly.

If she had one of these personal alarms nearby it all could have been avoided and she'd be in much better health. Get your elderly parents one of these devices and make them wear it and keep it next to the tub when they take a bath.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

More upvotes for this, this was a good post.

[–]janekenstein 266 points267 points ago

This is so important, and can be a life-saver in some situations too. In an emergency if a patient is on several different medications things can become complicated quickly and this saves time when every moment counts.

[–][deleted] 313 points314 points ago

This is a VERY good idea. My small town has a program where EMS/Fire will visit seniors and help them compile a list of such things, including information regarding allergies, DOB, emergency contact names/numbers, and anything else appropriate. The document is stored on the fridge door shelf, and a sticker is placed on the main entrance to their apt/house, and another on the fridge door. The sticker is easily identified and self-explanatory. The important info is stored in a prescription pill bottle with an appropriate hi-vis sticker. These containers when purchased in bulk, can be had very cheaply, and in most cases will be donated without concern. This program has saved lives already.

[–]metamucil 78 points79 points ago

What an awesome program. Thanks for sharing this... I'll look for a similar one near where my Gran lives.

[–]jeremiahfira 17 points18 points ago

Yep! They have that where I live in NJ as well, called the Vial of life program. As an EMT, it helps a ton when I respond to a call.

[–]Chairmanmeyow 12 points13 points ago

This reminds me of a program the ASPCA has for emergency situations in which pets may be left behind. You can get a free sticker for your window to clearly notify emergency personnel what kind of animals may be trapped. You can find it here

[–]Andoo 46 points47 points ago

New urge to tattoo any surgeries or allergies on my chest.

[–]gfixler 263 points264 points ago

"What's this bad infection on his chest?"
"Looks like a tattoo."
"Are those words? What does it say?"
"I think it says... TATTOO INK."

[–]laxman89er 25 points26 points ago

That took me slightly longer than I am willing to admit to understand

[–]nuclearghostz 193 points194 points ago

As an EMT I can say THIS is crucial, especially in cases where the person can not talk to us. Nothing is worse than going to the ER with a critical patient and not knowing/finding any medical history or lists of medications/allergies. Having this info saves much needed time in the ER so they can start necessary interventions immediately. Also as someone else mentioned, having a DNR nearby and easily accessible is also a good idea. If they have one and you fumble looking for it or cant find it, we are required by law to start resuscitation procedures until we are given it.

[–]Hal_Pal 31 points32 points ago

My phone has an "In Case of Emergency" thing on it. It's the first thing you see when you open the contacts. I keep that up to date with emergency contacts, meds, history, and what hospital I want to be taken to. Do emergency workers ever look for this or should I not even bother with it?

[–]zurratype 10 points11 points ago

I know in my area they do because we had some awareness thing on it going around. If your phone doesn't have that in it then you should put contacts in as ICE 1, ICE 2, etc... I keep important numbers and blood type/allergies in mine.

[–]jumalaw 55 points56 points ago

Very important: if they have a DNR, you need a copy of the paperwork readily accessible in case you call 911 for medical help. Paramedics have to render aid unless the right paperwork is present stating that the patient doesn't want to be worked on. They can't take the word of a relative or go off paperwork stored in a filing cabinet somewhere like a family member's house.

[–]noradrenaline 48 points49 points ago

I'm still young, but on long-term medication. I keep a note in my wallet with the medication, dosage and what it's for, in case anything happens to me. It seems a good idea that everyone should do if they're on medication.

[–]cnorris1 75 points76 points ago

You might store a copy on Goole documents as well just in case.

[–][deleted] 134 points135 points ago*

There is no Sarah, only Goole!

Edit: I have realized my horrendous mistake. In light of this, I do not take it back. Goole : Zuul :: Sarah : Dana

[–]forevercabron 25 points26 points ago

Who's Sarah? Dana's cousin?

[–]Valistia 53 points54 points ago

Or, maybe even on Google documents.

[–]angelsnack 14 points15 points ago

great idea. try and start a dialogue about their health, current issues/concerns and possible concerns for the future. they could be ignoring a small problem that could turn into something much worse in the future without medical intervention, changes in diet and exercise, preventative medications etc. They could also be worried about a disease, condition etc. that is unlikely to become a concern. You can dispel unnecessary fears and address legitimate concerns by having a frank conversation with your parents. Remind them that this is not only important for them, but you as well, especially if you have a family history of hereditary diseases. That may help them open up, and feel less like you are trying to become their caretaker.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]vanillaafro 44 points45 points ago

nah use notepad

[–]Basecamp88 39 points40 points ago

Cut it into your arm

[–]Baron_von_Retard 12 points13 points ago

This is what Excel is for.

[–]MorboKat 773 points774 points ago

While they're still lucid, make sure everything is set up. Make sure wills are set up and you know their wishes for everything from hospital stays to funerals. Then accept that they may not be lucid forever. It will be frustrating and horrifying, but be there for them through confusion, tantrums and diapers; they were there for you for the same.

[–]heartsnoble6 208 points209 points ago

My mother is going through this with my grandfather, who lives in a completely different country, thus making it incredibly difficult. She has a financial fund with her other siblings for things to accomodate my grandfather. He opted to not go to a home, so they've had to make modifications to his existing home (i.e. handicapped bathroom) and whatever medical needs he may have. It is working well so far as he also has many family members where he lives.

He's still lucid and even very funny, with some foggy/forgetful moments from time to time, but in complete denial that he needs as much help as he actually does.

You have to make an effort to help them, without making them feel like a child. Remember that at one point, they were strong, capable, intelligent adults with a lot of freedoms, and many older folk seem to hang on to that idea of themselves. Don't ruin it for them too much.

[–]BattleClown 33 points34 points ago

How old was he when it started to get bad?

[–]heartsnoble6 73 points74 points ago

He's almost 87 now. About 4'ish years ago he started having issues with his bathroom habits. When he's out and about, he needs an adult diaper. About that time, the doctors found a pretty significant size hernia in his stomach. It is inoperable due to his age and the risk of surgery, so he wears a girdle (possibly the wrong name) to keep it all tight. I know this is very uncomfortable for him, but he doesn't have much of a choice.

The real issue is now the early (maybe not so early) stages of Alzheimer's disease. He's fine and lucid for the most part, but sometimes he's not very aware of his surroundings or sometimes he forgets certain people. It's hard to judge when that started, since he was always a little absent-minded. But now it's just clear it's not just your run-of-the-mill forgetfulness.

[–]carmelcoveredjesus 121 points122 points ago

Just don't forget lucid or not; people are naturally comforted by touch. Whether it is holding hands or a hug, touching someone (especially after there speech goes downhill and they can no longer communicate) can be very warming and meaningful.

[–]SapientSlut 89 points90 points ago

Goddammit. For some reason this made me well up. My Grandma's mind is just starting to go, and I got this image of me sitting next to her, with her struggling for words, and me just grabbing her hand and telling her it's okay. Fuck.

[–]theboh 141 points142 points ago

takes your hand It's ok SapientSlut, it's ok.

[–]Krispyz 43 points44 points ago

This first part is extremely important. My parents never talked about wills or funeral arrangements. My dad passed away over the summer without warning, he was only 63, from heart failure. Not only did he not have a will, but I was the only one in the family whom he had told he wanted to be cremated. Trying to convince my mom that that was what he wanted was extremely difficult and it wasn't until one of his close friends said dad had also talked to him about it very recently that she accepted it. Just know that this type of thing can come on without warning and it's very difficult to make all the decisions on your own if you don't know what they wanted.

[–]MorboKat 34 points35 points ago

You know what? Talking about wills and wishes and making sure it's written down somewhere is damn important. We should all be doing it right now, regardless of how old we are. It's something that should be re-visited every 5 years, from the age of 20 onward.

[–]McMammoth 18 points19 points ago

How would I set something like this up? Is it a legal doc, or just something I'd keep in my room or something with instructions to open if something happens?

[–]Crazy83519 41 points42 points ago

Might look into getting what my employer (hospital) calls an "Advanced Directive." Basically states that in the event of X where I am no longer capable to make my own wishes, I want this to happen.

[–]DerpPassenger 44 points45 points ago

Also commonly known as a Living Will

[–]Vanetia 22 points23 points ago

I wish this had been handled before my grandfather passed away. When he died (at 92.. plenty of time to have set something up in hindsight), there was a big thing in the family. One brother wanted to handle the finances, and the other siblings were against it for whatever reason. No one trusted him with it, I guess (even though he's easily the one most well-off.. or maybe that's why?)

It caused such a rift that that brother has been excommunicated. I haven't seen him in... wow I think it's been about 10 years now.

It's very sad, and I can't even get the full story because no one likes to talk about it.

Now my grandma lives with one of the siblings, but she's shut in her house all the time and never leaves. I'd rather not get in to details, but the living situation is depressing. I feel cut off from my grandma and I know she doesn't have much time left, herself (she's already passed 90).

tl;dr - make a will and make sure your kids know about it. If your parents haven't made a will yet, get on their ass about it and/or decide with your siblings now how you'll handle it while you can still get parental input on those decisions

[–]PoniesRBitchin 67 points68 points ago

One of the harder things for me was when I had to play parent to my parents. My dad got brain cancer towards the end of his life, and sometimes he'd get a little confused, or he'd get really upset over nothing. I'd have to try to gently calm him down, and explain things in different ways to get him to understand. It broke my heart in some ways to have to talk to someone who used to be brilliant like they were five, but it had to be done sometimes.

[–]heftye 47 points48 points ago

This reminds me of so much pain. My mother died of brain cancer and one of the worst parts of caring for her was trying to parent a parent. It goes against anything you've ever experienced in a child parent relationship and seems imposible to get right. I'm sorry you had to go through that. And on behalf of all the friends and relatives who asked "how is your dad?" and forgot to ask how you were doing, I aplologise.

[–]clubber_lang 6 points7 points ago

And on behalf of all the friends and relatives who asked "how is your dad?" and forgot to ask how you were doing, I aplologise.

This is an important point that you (OP) should know.

If you do wind up as a caretaker for your parent/parents, it will be incredibly difficult all on its own. But such a situation can be made a hell of a lot worse by the unintentional ignorance of friends and family. Make sure you take the time for yourself and to create a support network for your own sanity.

[–]rufusthelawyer 308 points309 points ago

For you to instruct them: Make sure they have wills, living wills, and are aware that there are better and worse ways of transferring assets.

For you to instruct you: Accept that your time with them is finite. Try and get the most out of it. It is tough. I personally struggle with this reality.

[–]Somanytacos[S] 82 points83 points ago

Do I need to get a notary involved for any kind of will, or is it fine to just have a piece of paper with their signature on it? What are some of the better / worse ways of transferring assets?

[–]PComotose 125 points126 points ago

The answer will depend on your jurisdiction. Given the importance of this, a half hour with a lawyer will be a wise investment.

[–]realasitgets 172 points173 points ago

I would personally check out Bob LobLaw's Lawblog, great source of Lawyer information.

[–]frommyredtintedtower 44 points45 points ago

Thank fuck for making me laugh in this thread.

[–]Ragnrok 3 points4 points ago

Too complicated, better call Saul.

[–]rufusthelawyer 19 points20 points ago

Your parents need to see a lawyer and an accountant for the answers to those questions.

[–]l80 9 points10 points ago

There are firms that specialize in this kind of thing and will help you / your parents ensure they are formatting everything properly and legally. Check out yelp / yellow pages and find some recommendations. For what it is, and how important it is, it's pretty reasonably priced as well.

Regardless of age, it's really a good idea to have a living will NOW. You can always update it in the future, but the benefit of having one versus not having one is vitally important.

It's weird to think about, but having a say in where your assets go when you're gone and the conditions of how you want to live in the event that something bad happens are really really valuable. It's very good for peace of mind.

[–]only_ceremony 46 points47 points ago

Seconded. Estate planning is critical. Due to lots (and lots) of regulations, there is now even more to estate planning than Wills and living wills.

I work for an estate planning attorney and our normal estate planning package includes:

  • A Last Will and Testament (money and property allocations for after death)
  • A Living Will (takes care of their wishes in case of a catastrophic health incident from which they won't recover)
  • A Durable Power of Attorney (designates someone to take care of their legal and financial affairs if they are incapacitated) *A Designation of Health Care Surrogate (designates someone to take care of health issues that don't fall under the very specific area defined by a Living Will)
  • A HIPAA Release and Authorization (designates one or more people to whom doctors can release medical information/history. Lots of states require this even if you are a designated health care surrogate).

Estate planning laws vary widely from state to state and can be very complex. Talk to a lawyer -- if you do your documents on a website like legalzoom or something they may not meet the requirements for your state! Most lawyers do estate planning packets for a flat fee and can be very affordable.

[–]Awkward_Robot 11 points12 points ago

Definitely this. Wills, living wills/healthcare proxies (for health care decisions), and a durable power of attorney (for property decisions) is a must. You need both, a power of attorney will /not/ allow you to make health care decisions.

I'm going out on a limb, but I do not believe any state in the U.S. requires wills be notarized. Most states require two attesting witnesses, some states require only one.

As for getting a will for a website for $70, well you get what you pay for. The will would be legally binding (its not terribly difficult to make a will legally binding, and there's no reason that getting one from the internet affect this), but it may not be entirely correct.

Without getting into it, I've been dealing with this stuff A LOT lately, and if there's one piece of advice I can give, its make sure an attorney drafts your will, and your healthcare proxy/power of attorney if you're in a state where those documents aren't just forms. Either way, have an attorney look over the documents when you think they're finished.

You don't want to save a few hundred bucks by not paying a lawyer and then be stuck when you need to make decisions for your incapacitated parents but can't because of some tiny error in your healthcare proxy, or not have your parents possessions distributed the way they intended because of some easily overlooked mistake in the will.

Also, worst case scenario, get an attorney and you'll have someone to sue if things go wrong! (in most states, anyway).

[–]KirbyTails 10 points11 points ago

Also, to add to this: Get Power of Attorney! My dad went through hell with my grandmother on all sorts of fronts because we didn't have this (and had honestly never heard of it before then). It doesn't necessarily have to be assigned to you, but at least make sure that it's assigned to somebody trusted.

[–]Skibbles 7 points8 points ago

a better option would be to establish a family trust. That way, assets won't fall into probate, and I believe liquid assets won't be taxed because they won't be transferring possession, though i'm not a lawyer.

[–]LincolnshireSausage 396 points397 points ago

I'm 40 years old and suffer from chronic pain. This thread is depressing as fuck. Get me a fast car and some classy hookers. That will make the end days more manageable.

[–]Somanytacos[S] 81 points82 points ago

Haha, thanks for the much needed laugh. I'm taking this advice to heart.

[–]onewatt 45 points46 points ago

There's something to be said for the fun stuff. My dad got upset when my Mom added an extra 40,000 to the life insurance policy on him. He said "You don't need that much, you already have enough for my final expenses!"

She said, in all seriousness, "This is so I can buy a shiny red sports car for myself."

[–]DiamondShreddy 16 points17 points ago

On a side note - don't treat your parents like they are babies as they get older.

The, "okaaay now.. up! there we go into the car mum." Is horrible. Or they quiet talk, "heyyyy, how you feeling today? better? okay gooood."

[–]MNice 5 points6 points ago

This is the thing I hate most about seeing my grandparents getting senile. Not the effects of senility on them, but on the people who interact with them.

[–]kdawghomie 41 points42 points ago

My parents are in their 50s. I'm 22. This thread scares the ever-living shit out of me ಠ_ಠ

[–]thislittlemonkey 4 points5 points ago

This thread is finally making me grateful for teenage parents. I'm 29, Mum is 44 and my Dad is 48.

[–]PostTenebrasLux 23 points24 points ago

If it's any help at all, I'm 25 and suffer from chronic pain... The fast car and classy hookers keep me sane.

[–]foldor 14 points15 points ago

Heh, that rhymes. It must be true!

[–]wowko 3 points4 points ago

I like your style.

[–]BlackShirt 333 points334 points ago

Keep contact, call them (or visit them if you can) at least once a week.

Be kind to them as they were to you when you were little.

[–]Nougat 220 points221 points ago

What if they weren't kind when I was little?

[–]Genericname48 448 points449 points ago

Be kind while they are alive, then when they die you can rejoice.

[–]30percentAlpaca 191 points192 points ago

At first I laughed, but then I realized you're actually exactly right.

Being bitter at someone while they're still alive doesn't make you stop being bitter after they die. But if you're kind to them while they're still alive, you have the satisfaction of knowing you were the better person for the rest of your life. Whether or not they accept your kindness is another matter.

[–]Bootpolish 66 points67 points ago

You can cut off all contact and still be the better person.

[–]folkhack 32 points33 points ago

This. Sometimes, humans are far too toxic for each other's emotional health to continue relations... family or otherwise.

[–]MikeBruski 7 points8 points ago

that's hard to do with family.

[–]comb_over 73 points74 points ago

Be kind to them as they were to you when you were little.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NzwbFQUsQ0&feature=related

[–]spkr4thedead51 27 points28 points ago

that should be marked NSFW because explaining why you're crying is harder than explaining why you're looking at porn

[–]mamamanda 29 points30 points ago

I cried.

[–]AnswersWithAQuestion 80 points81 points ago

evrytim.

[–]ado010 13 points14 points ago

Fuck, man. ಥ_ಥ

[–]hoggman 14 points15 points ago

This a million times, you never know which could be the last visit....

[–]raging_asshole 248 points249 points ago

People are giving great advice here, but let me just give one note:

Don't make them feel like they're dying already. Older people can be very sensitive when it comes to talking about death and even advanced age, so definitely tread very lightly when talking about all this.

I once asked my mother if she had plans, and it turned into a whole "YOU JUST CANT WAIT FOR ME TO DIE, CAN YOU, THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER CALL ME" kinda thing. Then again, she's kinda fucking crazy and emotionally fragile, but you know what I'm saying.

[–]Vanetia 63 points64 points ago

Don't make them feel like they're dying already. Older people can be very sensitive when it comes to talking about death and even advanced age, so definitely tread very lightly when talking about all this.

I think a great way to get in to the discussion would be to take another death as a jumping off point. Doesn't matter if it's a celebrity or someone you know, the conversation starts off the same:

"You know... all this talk about so-and-so's death has got me thinking. What kind of plans have you made for when you die? I mean I know I want x, y, and z..." Talk about your own plans first so it's not just a "Since you're so OLD I figured you thought this through YEARS ago. Because you are OLD. OLD FART."

[–]evenlesstolose 4 points5 points ago

Talk about your own plans first

I agree with this. It's a great way to just have a casual conversation about something that's very un-casual. I once started a similar talk with my mother about how I would hate to be cremated, but I feel like burial is a huge waste of money and space. She vehemently replied that she wants to be cremated, and has always liked the idea.

[–]Adm_RustyShackleford[!] 147 points148 points ago

Maybe you're just an asshole..

[–][deleted] 83 points84 points ago

maybe a couple people didn't read his username

[–]toanoma 81 points82 points ago

You might want to just be aware of their medical history as they get older. My dad frequently mentions that he wishes he had paid more attention to his father's ailments because now they're happening to him.

[–]ANewAccountCreated 28 points29 points ago

We queried my grandparents a few years ago about things people in the family suffered/died from (contacted other family members if they couldn't recall). We used a family tree and wrote it next to each name. Bit morbid, but useful information to have.

[–]ubermonkey 82 points83 points ago

They will die.

Ensure you understand their end-of-life wishes, and ensure their estate is clearly planned.

You may think the latter won't matter if your parents aren't wealthy, but believe me, people will get insane over the damn coffee table.

[–][deleted] 144 points145 points ago

the damn coffee table

I think you mean my damn coffee table.

[–]Ariwara_no_Narihira 92 points93 points ago

I always used a coaster. You never gave a shit about the coffee table!

[–]Helen_A_Handbasket 60 points61 points ago

YOU DON'T EVEN DRINK COFFEE!

[–]IonaMerkin 14 points15 points ago

Where ELSE will I put the Cats of the World coffee table book?

[–]DiggingNoMore 5 points6 points ago

Not in my bookshelf!

[–]LainIwakura 12 points13 points ago

This is true. My mom is a wills lawyer and I can not believe some of the shit she deals with between siblings / family members.

[–]hobofats 96 points97 points ago

my biggest advice is to make sure they have hobbies, interests, regular social contact, and exercise. either that, or have the money and the resolve to be able to put your parents in a care facility when they are no longer able to care for themselves.

watching the deterioration of my grandparents due to their own laziness and poor lifestyles and the strain it put on my parent's marriage from my mom having to spend so much time thanklessly caring for them while my dad worked is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. i know for a fact that it was one of the things that lead to them getting divorced. literally the day of my grandfathers funeral is the day my mom confided in my sister that she was planning on leaving my dad.

i really dont want to go into any more detail, but suffice it to say, caring for old people is a bitch. either be prepared to put in a little work early to keep them healthy, or be prepared to put in a lot of work later when they are too sickly to care for themselves.

[–]Doporkel 5 points6 points ago

Something like this happened to me too - though my parents didn't divorce. It's terribly upsetting to see this happen to your grandparents and see it strain your parents as well.

[–]Encyclopedics 28 points29 points ago

No one has mentioned this but as someone that has older parents that are in still in good health I recommend looking into long term care insurance. Nursing home fees and care can easily run people $200,000 a year and most people even if they sell off all their assests can barely afford it. That type of insurance, while sometimes really expensive, could save your family a ridiculous sum of money if they have a chronic illness. As sad as it is to think about, my parents did not want me to be fiscally responsible for their problems on top of dealing of the stress of sick parents. As an only child, I am very luck to have parents that have that sort of forsight.

[–]garbageeater 1337 points1338 points ago

Every time you visit, you should buy them slightly smaller clothes and housewares. They will become happy with how much they are growing and will find peace in their final years.

[–]k43r 62 points63 points ago

For thoose confused: It's from XIX century book "Vest" written By B.Prus about Husband and wife in Warsaw, Poland. Husband was infected with tuberculosis and was rapidly loosing his weight. Every week he was making his vest a little smaller so he could show his wife that he is not loosing his weight. At the end everyone dies.

[–]rainman18 26 points27 points ago

I do that with condoms.

[–]railroadman 29 points30 points ago

I don't know why that sounds like such an awesome idea. I mean, it's manipulative, but also kinda sweet. I think I approve it of, like lying to kids about Santa, it makes them happy, it's not hurting anyone.

Is this something that is actually done?

[–]smellmycheese 25 points26 points ago

I believe Roald Dahl did it first to "The Twits". My favourite book when I was a boy!

[–]quotes_before_edit 771 points772 points ago

What the actual fuck?

[–]ABannedUser 467 points468 points ago

Don't question it.

[–]artsaves 248 points249 points ago

Don't make it weird.

[–]papageorgio326 131 points132 points ago

Look at it.

[–]Stuppyhead 81 points82 points ago

Now try touching... Just for a second, to see how it feels.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Captain_LargePoop 37 points38 points ago

Little taste, don't be scared.

[–]danutzz 5 points6 points ago

... just the tip

[–]ma6ic 104 points105 points ago

How do I nominate things for comment of the year?

[–]SauerJosh 38 points39 points ago

/r/bestof, kind of?

[–]Fridgeburn 72 points73 points ago

MY BRAIN IS FULL OF A GREAT MANY FUCKS

[–]VeniVediVeni 14 points15 points ago

Dear Jesus

[–]crazyguns 16 points17 points ago

Okay I'm a bit confused. does this really work or am I missing obvious sarcasm?

[–]namakemono 50 points51 points ago

Yes

[–]chass3 19 points20 points ago

I just laughed for a solid five minutes, completely debilitated.

what the fuck?

[–]lin_kov 70 points71 points ago

Having a conversation with your parents about how they would like things to be carried out, about how they would like to be put to rest, about their finances, about care as they age and die, etc. is a difficult conversation to have. But most parents are just as nervous to talk about it as you are. They want you to know how they want things taken care of, but like you they don't know how to bring it up. It's awkward for every family. But it's something that has to be talked through. If you don't talk about it, when the time comes (no doubt it will), you will be totally unprepared and may end up with the feeling that you didn't do it how they wanted it, or that you didn't know enough about their finances/etc. to handle things appropriately.

How things went for myself and my fiance, personally:

My fiance's parents don't hurt for money. They aren't rich, but definitely aren't poor and are better off than most people in this area. My mother (father is dead) barely makes it. This is how we handled our parent(s): My in-laws often had talked a little about how their stocks were going down/up/whatever. They had also mentioned in conversation a few times about having payed for their plots (graves) already somewhere out near Long Island (we are in PA). After a few years being with my fiance, we decided he should sit down with his mother and ask about all of their stocks, about their plots, bank accounts, etc. because if something were to happen, we need to know what to do (we had no clue, who does?) We weren't sure how they would take it. They actually were very helpful. They had wanted to come to us about it but weren't sure how to talk to us. I think most parents feel this way. They WANT you to know, so you are prepared. They knew we didn't mean it like, WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR MONEY WE NEED TO KNOW. We genuinely wanted to know about everything so we can have some idea on what to do if something were to happen to them. I feel like they were as relieved as we were after we had the (hard) conversation. They knew things would be done how they wanted it to be done and that we would know what to do. So, like I said. My fiance sat down with a pad of paper and a pen and asked them to please share with him anything important that he would need to know about. We have a few pages locked in our little fireproof safe. It also has information on what they want us to do (as far as cremation etc.) and all of that. Everything we NEED to know, and how they want things carried out. It's a difficult conversation to have, but was necessary. With my own mother, it wasn't as hard. I didn't really feel I would offend her in any way as she doesn't have anything in savings or any stocks etc. etc. She's a lot younger than my in-laws so she wasn't too sure how she felt about burial and whatnot. I know she will let me know in more certain terms as she gets older. She just recently attended a meeting at her work about life insurance (she has an illness, epilepsy, that is not fatal but it's still something she thinks about as she gets older, and thought life insurance might be a good idea). When she decides what she wants to do with that, this is another talk we will have to have... My father passed away when I was 19. He was married to an awful wench who, I still believe to this day, killed him. He ODed on pain medications and didn't have a will. I was his only child. Because I was no longer a minor, I had absolutely no right to any of his belongings. Not even the pictures of him and I. Not the cards he kept that I had made him as a child. Not a damn thing. It all went to her. Everything. This is STILL a painful thing for me to talk about, as I would have liked to have the pictures, or ANYTHING to remember him by. ANYTHING. But because he didn't have a will, it didn't work out. It was a really sad situation. Everyone should have a living will. EVERYONE. I had assumed because I was his only child I would be entitled to something, but the law doesn't work that way. Everyone should have a will.

So yeah. That's my two cents. Keep in mind I have a good relationship with my mother and my fiance has a good relationship with his folks. If things are strained between you and your parents I'm not going to claim they are going to be ecstatic to tell you about how they want their death to be handled. I can only speak from personal experience.

[–]Gwohl 111 points112 points ago

Jesus Christ, look at this post. It may contain many valuable insights, but I wouldn't know... just look at it!

[–]FearTheWalrus 10 points11 points ago

What a fine example of the dreaded "Wall of text".

[–]HugoChavezRamboIII 47 points48 points ago

Stock up on Werthers Originals.

... I'm sorry that was in poor taste... I'm interested in older folks' replies to this too.

[–]Shwoodge 22 points23 points ago

After reading all of these posts, I don't want to get old

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

I want to get old. I want good redditors to advise those who love and care for me. <note to self. make last will and reddit account>

[–]pabstish 17 points18 points ago

Please, please, please as someone who does paperwork in the medical field, become your parents' Power of Attorney... This makes the whole healthcare process easier, more streamline, and saves a TON of trouble on our end, plus it allows you access to their medical information. The first thing I did after I got this job was to become my parents', and they're in perfectly good health. It's always easier to be prepared for the worst.

[–]fireunderwater 17 points18 points ago

Medication list, Durable power of attorney, funeral wishes/arrangements, lists of friends w/contact info., your family tree information. A picture album (or several) of thier lives. RESPECT. DIGNITY. YOUR TIME.

[–]imionme 1546 points1547 points ago*

One thing I can tell you from experience: If your parents had ever said when they were younger "if I ever get like that, kill me" while referring to someone older (about the age your parents are today)... THEY DO NOT MEAN IT. If you try to smother them with a pillow - only to comply with their much earlier request - they will get all bent out of shape and future family functions will be very awkward.

EDIT: had spelled you're instead of your. ashamed, returning all karma.

[–]jkvandelay 532 points533 points ago

Oh...

[–]010101010101 408 points409 points ago

Now he tells me.

[–]BeneathTheWaves 178 points179 points ago

He was actually gonna do it! Nurse! Nurse!

[–]fiat_lux_ 111 points112 points ago

You are twisted, lady! You hear me? You are screwed up in the head!

[–]rubes6 66 points67 points ago

Be my angel and set me free

[–]schuman 44 points45 points ago

No. Stick to your part.

It's 010011100110111101110111001000000110100001100101001000000111010001100101011011000110110001110011001000000110110101100101

[–]AAlsmadi1 4 points5 points ago

And thus the robot invasion ended, their biggest mistake: deciding to use reddit as a means of learning the weakness of the human. Now they're trapped here... forever... With us.

[–]ExplainEverything 111 points112 points ago

Elaine, what are you doing here?

[–]hopscotchking 26 points27 points ago

The way he says that is priceless, then he fluffs back up the pillow for Cantstandya.

[–]Aozora012 14 points15 points ago

Knowing my father, he'd never ask us to do that. What he has said though is that he would kill himself if he gets alzheimer's and knowing him, he means it.

[–]steady_riot 52 points53 points ago*

"And remember kids, I'm going to kill myself if I ever get Alzheimer's"

"We know dad, you said that yesterday."

"Ah, that's right, yesterday. Okay...

Hey, who are you people and how did you get into my house? What did you do with my gramophone?"

[–]vintagestyles 28 points29 points ago

my dad just told me to leave the gun in front of him... so no pillows for me!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]merpes 136 points137 points ago

Christ, that's sad. Our society needs to stop demonizing suicide and recognize that's it's an acceptable act for certain people in certain cases.

[–]DCoxRox69 119 points120 points ago

As I watched my grandfather wither away from lung, bone, and liver cancer, I realized a lot of people who believe euthanasia is wrong have never experienced that. Luckily high doses of opiates are legal.

[–]dotgeorgie 97 points98 points ago

As my granny said in her final days, "You wouldn't put a dog through this". When a pet is in that much pain with no cure and only painkillers that pretty much debilitate them anyway, you put them down to stop their pain and discomfort.

My grandmother had motor neurones disease and went from perfectly healthy to needing a food tube in three months. She refused the food tube, opting instead to starve to death - the only legal form of euthanasia in the UK (as it is 'not continuing life' as opposed to 'ending life', much the same as turning off life support machines). It took her 23 days, with a coma for the last 4, but she was happy and able to pass with some sort of dignity at least. I challenge anyone to watch someone voluntarily starve themselves to death, rather than become hospitalised with no means of communication, and not want them to legally be able to end their lives in a less painful way if they so wish.

[–]The_Look_of_Acorn 27 points28 points ago

I've got tears in my eyes for your granny and her dignity and stoicism. My closest friend died last year from triple negative breast cancer. She was 36 and left behind a loving husband and 3 year old son. The last few days in the hospice she barely knew what was going on. She did sit up once, randomly and exclaim "Look_of_Acorn" and sort of smile and that was the last time we ever interacted. I would not put my worst enemy through what I watched her go through. We thought she had a year; it turned out to be a month.

Your Granny sounds awesome.

[–]dotgeorgie 18 points19 points ago

My mum and her brother and sister all moved into my granny's house for the last month (basically from when she refused the food-tube) and it was the first time they had been together as a family since my mum was about 8 - some 32 years before. They all lived in different countries, so even joint holidays were rare. My mum found the process to be an honour and she and my granny made peace with a lot of problems they had in the past (my mum was the 'problem child' and my granny wasn't a very forgiving person, she held grudges and sulked a lot). I think it was incredibly healing for them to all be together at that time.

Much the same as your friend - we thought she would have a couple of years from her diagnosis, but from a slight slur that we attributed to drinking too much at her birthday in February, to a diagnosis in July, to her dying in September, it seemed like it was just her time to go. My mum asked her if there was anything she wanted to do in the last few weeks, and she said that she had never smoked a joint, but would like to try. My mum got some joints but between doctors and other family members about, they never got the chance before she was bedridden, so my granny told my mum to have the joints herself after she passed, if she needed to relax. So my mum got high in memory of my grandmother, which would have made my granny smile so much (before she scolded my mum, of course).

[–]HookDragger 37 points38 points ago*

And at late stages like that, doctors will often remove the lock on PCA pumps so the person in question can make their own decision.

edit: Oh, and sorry for your loss. My wife was an oncology nurse for five years... I feel for you.

[–]kongholiday 25 points26 points ago

doctors will often remove the lock on PCA pumps

are you sure about that? often? Seems like this probably only happens on House.

[–]HookDragger 40 points41 points ago

I admit, it does depend on the doctor... but I don't know of any oncology doctor that wouldn't remove the lock in terminal stages. Sure, the patient can OD, but they can do that with a bottle of pills as well. But preventing them from getting the pain medication at that stage if the patient thinks they need it is just unethical in many doctors' views.

[–]mrahh 22 points23 points ago

Yup. This is very common as well as other methods of "euthanasia". Such as administering a common drip and letting it go unwatched to the point of being toxic.

Source: Father is a doctor and has witnessed it happen on several occasions.

[–]haltingpoint 9 points10 points ago

What are PCA pumps? Also, is that legal? Not asking about the moral debate there as I firmly believe in putting the choice in the patient's hands, but I'm just wondering if a doctor opens themselves up to lawsuits from the family if they were found to be doing something that could make it easy for the patient to kill themselves.

[–]HookDragger 24 points25 points ago*

PCA pumps are what patients use to administer pain meds (say morphine) to themselves when they need it.

And its not illegal because they prescribe a certain amount of the medication to be placed in the pump and the patient decides when/how much they need by pressing a little button.

A doctor's first job is to do no harm. And preventing a patient in terminal stages of very painful diseases from receiving the medication that would prevent that pain is unethical.

edit: Something else I thought of in another post. Doctors prescribe a bottle of pain killers all the time. If you take them all at once, you will most likely die. Think of this as the same thing, but since the patient usually has trouble even swallowing... this medication is in liquid form.

[–]upvoteforyouhun 26 points27 points ago

What the hell was in the post you replied to? It's deleted now.

[–]merpes 66 points67 points ago

It was a comment talking about how his grandmother was in terrible physical/mental decline, wanted to kill herself, but instead drank alcohol to the point of passing out daily. He implied that if assisted suicide was an option she would be grateful for it.

[–]tgjer 18 points19 points ago

We have a sort of allowed suicide, it's just unnecessarily long and we call it "palliative care only."

A patient is already dying, and they (or the person making medical decisions for them) stop all treatment except painkillers. This includes food and the saline drip. They're put on high doses of morphine that put them in a haze. Most die within a week, from dehydration.

[–]MonkeyCrumpets 42 points43 points ago

It's a sickening process and borderline torture.

I watched my great-grandmother die like that, unsurprisingly I'm now strongly pro-euthanasia.

[–]tgjer 21 points22 points ago

I saw my grandmother die like that. 87, dementia, emphysema, blind, deaf, and infections set in from a kidney stone. She was frightened and confused and in pain and it was clear one way or another she was never going home again. She'd made it clear for years that she hated hospitals and if there was no chance of real recovery, she didn't want treatment.

In a sane world she could have been given a single large dose of morphine.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

not in Jesusland, motherfucker!

Here we have to drag out our last undignified days filled with pain, dementia, incontinence, drug fueled hazes and the entire family sitting around wishing they "Didn't have to suffer anymore". All while release is just one painless injection away....

[–]dcolt 19 points20 points ago

You questions (and a lot of the answers!) seem to assume that they haven't thought about these things.

So don't just TELL them shit: ask them, "What do I need to know if you become incapacitated?"

Also, the best time to enjoy your parents is the time between when you move out and they go into their final round of health problems. Make the most of the time you have now.

[–]Brantliveson 50 points51 points ago

This is the time to strengthen your relationship. If there is potential for your relationship to be deeper, tell them! I am 25 and have just come to the realization in the last year that my relationship with my parents is incredibly shallow and I don't want it to be. I am going to have a "meeting" when I go home for Christmas to tell them that I desire more and that I want to approach our relationship as an adult (this will be scary but worth it eventually).

[–]pringlescan5 39 points40 points ago

Have specifics in mind or its just meaningless words.

[–]majakarina 21 points22 points ago

it might even be best, not to say that you want a better relationship, but to try and FULFILL it: open up about yourself, try to do some activity together, ask them more personal questions etc.

[–]HalfRations 32 points33 points ago

Buy them a video game system and get them playing video games. Keeps the mind sharp.

[–]CosineX 15 points16 points ago

Watch for signs of Alzheimer's and senility, and if you see signs don't ignore it. There's a lot of medication out there these days.

[–]grimaldar 6 points7 points ago

I'd add that you should be entirely certain before taking action. You don't want to accuse someone of having Altzheimers when they may not.

[–]HockeyandMath 166 points167 points ago

You can best help the rest of the world by taking their keys away from them. Don't let them drive if you ever see them deteriorating. My nearly blind great uncle got into an accident because my great aunt (who never obtained a drivers license her whole life) was giving him directions on when to turn and to break.

[–]srb846 47 points48 points ago

My grandmother developed macular degeneration as she aged. One day she got to the end of her street and realized that she couldn't see well enough to drive. She went immediately home and gave her keys to my aunt (who lived next door) and said she wouldn't be driving anymore. Unfortunately, not everyone is so honest with themselves.

[–]cC2Panda 20 points21 points ago

I wish my grandmother would be that easy to work with. Her 4 children paid for a doctors appointment and a custom hearing aid but she claims she doesn't need it, WE just need to stop whispering.

[–]NoSoySerenita 3 points4 points ago

yes! my grandfather keeps snapping at me to stop telling secrets at the dinner table, and I have to defend myself that just because he can't hear me does not mean I'm hiding things from him. It just means I'm not shouting directly into his ear.

[–]kongholiday 36 points37 points ago

Seconded. My grandma was still driving well into her development of Alzheimer's because my grandpa didn't want to have the uncomfortable situation of taking her keys away. It took several people around town reporting to the family that she had nearly killed someone before he finally did what had to be done. Don't wait this long...

[–]bonkus 4 points5 points ago

My grandfather used to go out for drives when his Alzheimers was setting in and he'd get lost, leave the car and just wander around. Thankfully it was a small town and folks would happily return his car to him if they found it on the side of the road or in a random parking lot.

I often wonder if he came to a realization at some point that he shouldn't be driving... And then left the car to wander lost on foot in his own town.

That kind of thought makes me hope I live long enough to backup my brain onto more durable media.

[–]stinkypyper 12 points13 points ago

Get them off their asses. Many of the older people today have made a lot of terrible lifestyle choices, and still continue to. They can be surprisingly lazy and eat terrible diets, smoke, and drink too much, and many are TV addicts. They have been doing it for a long time, so you have a life time of that to deal with. As well, many have had boring repetitive jobs and haven’t read a thing or had a thought in decades, so their brains are practically dead. Get them eating properly, exercising, and reading.

[–]thediz1396 25 points26 points ago

Watching my mom.and aunt deal with my grandma one thing I would do.and will do when my parents get older is help them downsize. It makes their life and yours when the end comes much easier. Help them get rid of all that crap they have collected over the years. Be gentle about it and sometimes it will mean a fight and throwing stuff out when they are not looking. My grandma is a child of the depression so getting rid of anything ishardfor her and we had to throw or donate a lot when she wasn't looking. Its not really a health related tip but there will come a time when they will be living in a much smaller placethan they are used to. Getting rid of stuff before this switch happens is much easier. In the end it simplifies their life and is less that they have to worry about or clean or pack later when they are more fragile.

[–]BagsOfBeans 5 points6 points ago

This, big time. I have been recently helping my Father clean out my Grandfather's house after he was put in a home. Luckily Gramps had already cleaned out a lot of stuff, but it was still a ton of work. My wife's grandparents are pack rats and cleaning out their house when they move into a home is going to be a nightmare.

[–]thangle 5 points6 points ago

Ugh, I live out of state from my mom, and she's not treated her self right for a long time, so I don't expect she'll live nearly as long as my grandparents did. I am bracing for the day I have to fly back home, order a dumpster, and chuck all the stuff she's hoarded. She was an army kid, and my grandma threw stuff out every time they moved, so my mom developed this 'don't throw things away' habit that has just screwed her life and house up immensely.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago

have a plan about what you're going to do when they can't take care of themselves anymore. give yourself a limit and point where you have to conceed and say "ok, they can't take care of themselves anymore" and either put them in a home or have them live with you, etc.

my mom and her siblings keep pushing back their "line" as to when they put their mom in a home. first it was "when she doesn't recognize her home as her home anymore, we'll do it". well, my grandmother has NO idea where she is anymore, but they still won't move her. then it was "well if she escapes the house, we'll do it". she escaped one day and wandered around town IN THE WINTER in her pajamas and slippers, only to get picked up by the cops. she's STILL in her own home

*she has dementia by the way.

[–]Somanytacos[S] 10 points11 points ago

My grandmother went through something similar. She would go on walks (not by herself) and not recognize the house when she got back. She has parkinson's now and can't function by herself, but she still lives in her own home with a 24 hr helper. I can't vouch for her quality of life, and I have no idea if she's happy.

It's hard to think that my parents might be there someday.

[–]slumper 64 points65 points ago

Be patient. Your parents were great once, and they're still great today.

[–]NBAallstar 12 points13 points ago

As someone who just moved back in with his mother and has had the constant feeling of frustration, thanks. I really needed that.

[–]comeuppance 14 points15 points ago

didn't know the lockout was that bad

[–]zak_on_reddit 11 points12 points ago

at some point you're going to wipe their butt or help them pee.

they are going to get weak, frail and lose some or a lot of their mental faculties. it's going to get really frustrating and annoying to be with them at times.

and depending on how well they planned for their financial future they will probably become a bit of a money drain on you. my mother didn't plan well for her later years. i've given her at least $13K over the last 4 years.

as they get older they also get set in their ways so they can be really stubborn or inflexible. sometimes it's enough to make you want to wring their necks.

and depending on your relationship with them, when they pass, it can be liberating.

[–]Milieunairess 12 points13 points ago

Read "The Bittersweet Season: Caring for our Aging Parents" by Jane Gross. Eye-opening. Not sure how old your parents are, but it definitely opened conversations between me and my parents (70 and 80 somethings) and me and my inlaws (70-somethings). It also made me think about how/where I want to live in 20 years, and how we should be changing what continuing care facilities look like. The Green House Project is a good start.

[–]Canadian_in_Canada 12 points13 points ago

Vitamin B12 deficiency can lead to cognitive decline. One of the causes is pernicious anemia, which can develop as people age. If your parents (or even someone younger) begins to show signs of cognitive decline, get their B12 levels checked.

[–]Brancher 9 points10 points ago

aka Force your parents to shotgun Redbulls on a daily basis.

[–]poooboy 13 points14 points ago

There's a lot of good advice already posted in this thread. Please also encourage the use of hearing aids (reduces social isolation), calcium and Vit D supplements, regular exercise, immunizations (pneumovax, shingles, flu), and high fiber diets (frequent constipation in the elderly).

Don't be too aggressive with medical procedures/workups and please come to at least a few visits with your parents so you get to know their doctors.

I do a lot of geriatrics in my practice.

[–]Bro_man 39 points40 points ago

Make them give you their money in a steady interval before they pass, inheritance tax is a total bitch.

[–]poopright 16 points17 points ago

Agreed - nothing worse than some old person dying with piles of dough in a savings account somewhere earning 1% interest - or worse yet invested in mutual funds and slowing draining away at MINUS 5% - while their kids are struggling with a mortgage and car payments. They should give it away as needed while they're still alive and can watch it help people out.

[–]ojolejano 10 points11 points ago

This is a very good advice, actually.

[–]emceefall 7 points8 points ago

Tell them to write a memoir of their life.

[–]ABDPaddington 9 points10 points ago

KEEP. THEM. MOVING. You sit, you die. I realize this is largely their own responsibility, but there is a very direct correlation between people who sit down and fatten in front of the TV in their declining years and the ones who stay active and interested in life. Anything you can do to motivate/inspire them to keep moving will go a LONG way towards keeping them mentally and physically healthy as they age.

Also, ditto on the other info about setting up a living will, discussing financial stuff, and being prepared to be very patient as your parents grow dependent again for the first time in many decades. And try not to stress; it doesn't have to be miserable. Seeing your aged parents become like children again can be oddly touching, and give you a whole new appreciation for what they went through with you. ;-)

[–]steeenah 8 points9 points ago

Just gonna go with my own story. I'm 21, my dad's 75 (the ages in my family are completely screwed up, for example my sister has a granddaughter). Currently they're trying to decide if he has dementia/parkinsons/cancer, so I'm pretty much at the moment where I have to start taking care of my dad instead of the opposite.

The first thing is I'd like to repeat what several others have said: Even if it's tough seeing your parents slowly fade away, go visit them. Spend time with them. That's the least you can do for them, and yourself.

Second thing, let your parents make their own decisions. It took a while for my dad to finally accept that he was getting older, heart couldn't take as much etc... it was tough for him, he kept saying he wasn't a worthy father/husband anymore, but he's come to terms with it since.

It took longer time for him to give up car driving, cleaning the home, going to the grocery store, etc. These are things you've taken for granted to be able to do all of your life, I'd imagine it's easier to say stop when you feel ready instead of having someone else tell you what to do and not. (except for car driving...)

My mom takes care of all the fancy stuff, medications, wills and so on, so I can't really help you much there. In a way I wish the process was faster, but I'm still very happy that I have my dad around. If there's something he's taught me while getting older, it's that it's good to have HELLUVA LOTS OF PATIENCE.

[–]veryyberry 8 points9 points ago

If you dont know how to care for parents as they get older you really shouldnt have gotten them to start with. I know they're all quite and adorable when they're young but most people just abandon them when they get older and thats just wrong.

[–]ncsubowen 7 points8 points ago

Figure out what's going to happen when they can't take care of themselves. Let them help pick out communities that they can be a part of. Establish what they think you should to do help versus what you're actually capable of/willing to do.

Love them now, especially while they can remember you.

[–]Jonesgrieves 7 points8 points ago

And I thought losing a pet was heartbreaking. I am not ready.

[–]eaten_by_the_grue 16 points17 points ago

I am 32. My dad is 91, my mother 70. I typed a much longer response but somehow it went away and the powers of ctrl-z won't bring it back. There was even a TL;DR at the end of each section. So here's a basic list and if you want more info I will happily elaborate.

*the pharmacy most older people have in their homes and the related complications

*driving

*cuts and bruises- the skin thins and old people can get cut more easily

*dementia and Alzheimer's are horrible to live with

*weight-loss can be the enemy

*hygiene is very important, but in different ways

*Diabetes, shingles, pneumonia, staph infections (from hospital stays), myasthenia gravis, thyroid issues and other "fun" diseases

*bones are more brittle therefore falling is very dangerous

*depression from a loss of self-image and self-worth

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I help my mom out a lot with all this, so please feel free to ask me anything relating to this list or to old people in general. I'll do my best to answer.

[–]HeyThatsMyPeabody 6 points7 points ago*

I saw what my parents went through with my grandparents and I can see where they are headed, and its a tough road.

Foremost above everything else, you need to just be there for them. As they get older you need to try and see them more often, just to show you care and so you can notice if they are having worse problems.

  • Don't force the issue. No one likes to come to terms with their morality or the fact that they may not be able to take care of themselves (or their spouse forever). Don't demand to see wills or see bank statments. Just bring it up to them by asking what their plans are for the next 10, 15, 20 years.

  • If you parents get comfortable with the idea of getting help, you should help them get their medical and financial lives in order. Ask to help organize and locate all their financial holdings. DO NOT DEMAND/REQUEST THAT YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER THE FINANCIALS. Make sure they can account for all their asets and liablities. You don't want to forget abotu the line of credit they have some bank, and you also don't want to think about that retirement plan they had at their old job they left 25 years ago.

  • As they get older, I would start having financial check-ups every year. Just so you know where the money is if for some reason your parents are incapacitated for some reason. As they get older it will help as they start to forget things (like filing taxes, or cashing that dividend check).

  • If your parent's drive, make it a point to ride passenger with them every so often. You can notice if they are becoming an at-risk driver. I found this to be one of the hardest discussions, since it is usually the first stage in a sharpe decline. It's emotionally jarring for a person to be told they CAN'T do something they have done for probably 50+ years.

All in all the most important thing is to just be there for them and to be PROACTIVE with them instead of REACTIVE to them. You want them to have as much control as possible over their last years, but you can only let that happen if you plan it with them before its time.

[–]AlysetheBeast[!] 5 points6 points ago

I don't know if you will see this comment or not. As a nurse, I can say that the best thing for you to do right now is to find out what your parents wishes are. Do they want to be resuscitated? Do they want to be kept alive on life support, if so how long? I really think these are good things for everyone to decide on. My husband and I are in our mid 20s and we know exactly how the other feels about life support and such. I don't know how old your parents are, but make sure they are prepared if they ever have to go to the hospital. Make a list of their medications, conditions they have, and past surgeries. Have them keep it where they can easily access it if they have to go to the hospital. My grandparents are both on a lot of medications so my grandmother keeps a list on both of their iPhones. Keep in mind that people change mentally as they age. If you notice forgetfulness, don't jump to conclusions, just be aware of it. Dementia happens to a lot of people, but only be concerned if the forgetfulness is progressive.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

That someday.... you will be in their place. So treat them like you'll want to be treated when you reach their age.

[–]doozer_12 6 points7 points ago

I briefly glanced at the responses so I hope that this isn't a repost. I used to work in insurance and sadly had to deal with fatalities sometimes. The first thing I learned is that if there isn't a will in place, everything takes 10x longer and gets very expensive...

1 You want to make sure that your parents have a will in place (To be honest, if you are old enough to have your own home, vehicle, bills etc you should have one too). If there is a will in place then an executer of the estate will be named in the will (usually an attorney or family member or friend). The executer can handle finances, funeral arrangements, bills and any property involved fairly easily (physical ease not emotional ease). If there isn't an executer then the next of kin has to appeal to the court to get appointed executer. This doesn't happen quickly and I have had claims that didn't get closed for 4 months because we had to wait 2-3 months for an executer to be appointed. Find out who has a copy of the will and who the executer is. Make sure that your siblings know who the executer is so that there isn't any fighting. Death is a lot of stress on a family and people get upset when they think you are taking over. If they know before hand who is executer they can't claim to be surprised. It is best if your parents explain to everyone who the executer is...

2 Make sure that you know some basic information about your parent's finances. Is their house paid off? If so where is the deed and if not who is the loan with and about how much is owed? If they have a vehicle loan you will need that information as well. You will have to contact all lien holders and credit card companies to let them know that there has been a death. This helps prevent fraudulent charges but it also helps you settle out the accounts. If you don't know how many credit cards or loans your parents have then what is to prevent someone from claiming that your parents owe them a debt? Or if the debt is legitimate what is to keep them from running up the amount of the debt? I don't mean that you should turn into your parent's accountant but names and phone and account numbers are important. You can confirm amounts from their bank or credit card statements.

3 Find out where your parents keep their important paperwork. Credit card statements, bank statements, social security cards, passports etc. You will need this information and nothing sucks worse than having to go through your parent's stuff and being angry at them for "hiding" it all from you. It is also a good idea to know if they have any safety deposit boxes and where expensive jewelry is hidden. I do not recommend leaving expensive jewelry in an empty house. If you are executer you can put it in a safety deposit box until everything can be distributed according to your parents wishes. People have a tendency to just start taking from their parents homes and they may take something they are not supposed to have.

#4 Find out if your parents have an advance directive and get a copy of it. You don't want to find out that your parents have a DNR (do not resuscitate) as they are dying in front of you. If they do not have an advance directive they need to set one up. If they are retired military the VA can help you do this.

#5 Find out what kind of life insurance your parents have. Do they have disability insurance? If they have a stroke and end up in a living facility what is going to pay for that? Unless you are a multimillionaire you can't afford it and you don't want to have to figure out how you are going to pay for extended care when they are already in it.

6 Discuss these things with your parents even if they tell you they are uncomfortable discussing them. No one wants to talk about the death of a loved one but it is the only way to ensure that their wishes be followed. Do you know if they want to be buried or cremated? Where do they want to be buried or where do they want their ashes spread? Do they even want a service? What kind of service? Who would they like to speak? If their wishes are known in advance it is much easier to get through these things because there are less decisions for you to make. It also helps cut back on family squabbling over the arrangements because the deceased made these decisions for you. This is also a good time to make your wishes known to family members. This is not the time to tell Mom that you want her diamond earrings. Pull her aside at a later date and hint to her that certain things are important to you but do not do it during this meeting unless your parents ask you what you want. It is a tense enough discussion as it is, no need to add more fuel to the fire.

I am starting to get a migraine but please feel free to message me if you have questions. If I can I will add more later. I hope this helps. Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors.

[–]Kalium 10 points11 points ago

Accept that they will die. It will likely come suddenly. It will be a shock.

Have some idea of how to grieve. My great-aunt died last night, and I don't have the slightest fucking clue of how to handle this.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

And this makes you normal. You have already begun to develop coping mechanisms and don't quite realize it yet. Try not to evaluate your response and just gain insight from others. Nobody says you have to grieve by some expected standard. Manage it your way.

[–]GrandmastaD101 6 points7 points ago

Agreed. Everybody has their own way of handling things. My grandfather died last month only a week after my grandma died. I didn't start crying until 4 days after it happened. I didn't even cry at the funeral. It comes when you least expect it.

[–]Invisible_Jim 4 points5 points ago*

Had this recently with parents & grandparents...

  • Sounds morbid, but it can cause massive issues if they do not have up to date Will's.
  • Update any existing Will's to avoid an inheritance tax where possible. E.g. if you Father own's the house they live in, try and get it split between him and your Mother so that if one dies you and any siblings inherit their half split between you and the remainder when the other dies. This will avoid a massive tax bill.
  • Make sure you have ALL the info about any insurance policies or savings/investments they have
  • Ask them to add you and any siblings on to their bank accounts as signatories so if something does happen to them you have access to any funds to cover medical expenses/emergencies
  • Plan for their passing, get them to write down what they want to happen to them once they die. Burial or cremation etc..
  • Get them to write down their medical history and if possible about their relatives in case your asked
  • If they are taking a lot of medication, get an up to date list
  • Lastly, ask them about their lives and their families lives. Nothing worse than having not asked the questions you wanted.

[–]btinc 4 points5 points ago

I'm 58 with a mother who is 96. My in-laws are both 88.

There is a lot of good advice here, but the one thing I would like to add is that having a frank discussion with them about how they want to deal with the fact that as they grow older they will be able to do less and less for themselves, and one way or another they will need to figure out how that will be dealt with.

If they can make the choices themselves, it will go better for them and they can make the changes under their own terms. If not, eventually the choices have to be made for them and it is much less pleasant.

The kinds of choices I'm talking about are whether they move to an independent-living arrangement that stages to more and more care, or if they can afford it, have in-house care. Thinking about long-term care is also important.

If they have no means and are living with a small fixed income, it's not going to be fun. If they have some means, they will still have to realized that a time comes where you can't take care of yourself.

One very important thing is understanding when you have to give up driving. Ideally, it's before you kill yourselves or, worse, someone else. No one wants to do this, but there is a point where everyone must stop driving.

I've spent the last 20 years helping my mom with this transition, and she's been great about it. My in-laws: not so much.