What are some things I should know as my parents get older?

NowISeeTheFunnySide · 5 months

Keep a Word document or something similar with all of their medications with dosages. If they have surgeries or other medical procedures, track the date and type of procedure done.

If anything ever happens, the EMT's and emergency room doctors will be very thankful. Otherwise you have to try and remember this stuff off the top of your head during a stressful situation.

Keep it updated as well!

MorboKat · 5 months

While they're still lucid, make sure everything is set up. Make sure wills are set up and you know their wishes for everything from hospital stays to funerals. Then accept that they may not be lucid forever. It will be frustrating and horrifying, but be there for them through confusion, tantrums and diapers; they were there for you for the same.

PoniesRBitchin · 5 months

One of the harder things for me was when I had to play parent to my parents. My dad got brain cancer towards the end of his life, and sometimes he'd get a little confused, or he'd get really upset over nothing. I'd have to try to gently calm him down, and explain things in different ways to get him to understand. It broke my heart in some ways to have to talk to someone who used to be brilliant like they were five, but it had to be done sometimes.

rufusthelawyer · 5 months

For you to instruct them: Make sure they have wills, living wills, and are aware that there are better and worse ways of transferring assets.

For you to instruct you: Accept that your time with them is finite. Try and get the most out of it. It is tough. I personally struggle with this reality.

LincolnshireSausage · 5 months

I'm 40 years old and suffer from chronic pain. This thread is depressing as fuck. Get me a fast car and some classy hookers. That will make the end days more manageable.

BlackShirt · 5 months

Keep contact, call them (or visit them if you can) at least once a week.

Be kind to them as they were to you when you were little.

raging_asshole · 5 months

People are giving great advice here, but let me just give one note:

Don't make them feel like they're dying already. Older people can be very sensitive when it comes to talking about death and even advanced age, so definitely tread very lightly when talking about all this.

I once asked my mother if she had plans, and it turned into a whole "YOU JUST CANT WAIT FOR ME TO DIE, CAN YOU, THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER CALL ME" kinda thing. Then again, she's kinda fucking crazy and emotionally fragile, but you know what I'm saying.

toanoma · 5 months

You might want to just be aware of their medical history as they get older. My dad frequently mentions that he wishes he had paid more attention to his father's ailments because now they're happening to him.

ubermonkey · 5 months

They will die.

Ensure you understand their end-of-life wishes, and ensure their estate is clearly planned.

You may think the latter won't matter if your parents aren't wealthy, but believe me, people will get insane over the damn coffee table.

hobofats · 5 months

my biggest advice is to make sure they have hobbies, interests, regular social contact, and exercise. either that, or have the money and the resolve to be able to put your parents in a care facility when they are no longer able to care for themselves.

watching the deterioration of my grandparents due to their own laziness and poor lifestyles and the strain it put on my parent's marriage from my mom having to spend so much time thanklessly caring for them while my dad worked is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. i know for a fact that it was one of the things that lead to them getting divorced. literally the day of my grandfathers funeral is the day my mom confided in my sister that she was planning on leaving my dad.

i really dont want to go into any more detail, but suffice it to say, caring for old people is a bitch. either be prepared to put in a little work early to keep them healthy, or be prepared to put in a lot of work later when they are too sickly to care for themselves.

Encyclopedics · 5 months

No one has mentioned this but as someone that has older parents that are in still in good health I recommend looking into long term care insurance. Nursing home fees and care can easily run people $200,000 a year and most people even if they sell off all their assests can barely afford it. That type of insurance, while sometimes really expensive, could save your family a ridiculous sum of money if they have a chronic illness. As sad as it is to think about, my parents did not want me to be fiscally responsible for their problems on top of dealing of the stress of sick parents. As an only child, I am very luck to have parents that have that sort of forsight.

garbageeater · 5 months

Every time you visit, you should buy them slightly smaller clothes and housewares. They will become happy with how much they are growing and will find peace in their final years.

lin_kov · 5 months

Having a conversation with your parents about how they would like things to be carried out, about how they would like to be put to rest, about their finances, about care as they age and die, etc. is a difficult conversation to have. But most parents are just as nervous to talk about it as you are. They want you to know how they want things taken care of, but like you they don't know how to bring it up. It's awkward for every family. But it's something that has to be talked through. If you don't talk about it, when the time comes (no doubt it will), you will be totally unprepared and may end up with the feeling that you didn't do it how they wanted it, or that you didn't know enough about their finances/etc. to handle things appropriately.

How things went for myself and my fiance, personally:

My fiance's parents don't hurt for money. They aren't rich, but definitely aren't poor and are better off than most people in this area. My mother (father is dead) barely makes it. This is how we handled our parent(s): My in-laws often had talked a little about how their stocks were going down/up/whatever. They had also mentioned in conversation a few times about having payed for their plots (graves) already somewhere out near Long Island (we are in PA). After a few years being with my fiance, we decided he should sit down with his mother and ask about all of their stocks, about their plots, bank accounts, etc. because if something were to happen, we need to know what to do (we had no clue, who does?) We weren't sure how they would take it. They actually were very helpful. They had wanted to come to us about it but weren't sure how to talk to us. I think most parents feel this way. They WANT you to know, so you are prepared. They knew we didn't mean it like, WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR MONEY WE NEED TO KNOW. We genuinely wanted to know about everything so we can have some idea on what to do if something were to happen to them. I feel like they were as relieved as we were after we had the (hard) conversation. They knew things would be done how they wanted it to be done and that we would know what to do. So, like I said. My fiance sat down with a pad of paper and a pen and asked them to please share with him anything important that he would need to know about. We have a few pages locked in our little fireproof safe. It also has information on what they want us to do (as far as cremation etc.) and all of that. Everything we NEED to know, and how they want things carried out. It's a difficult conversation to have, but was necessary. With my own mother, it wasn't as hard. I didn't really feel I would offend her in any way as she doesn't have anything in savings or any stocks etc. etc. She's a lot younger than my in-laws so she wasn't too sure how she felt about burial and whatnot. I know she will let me know in more certain terms as she gets older. She just recently attended a meeting at her work about life insurance (she has an illness, epilepsy, that is not fatal but it's still something she thinks about as she gets older, and thought life insurance might be a good idea). When she decides what she wants to do with that, this is another talk we will have to have... My father passed away when I was 19. He was married to an awful wench who, I still believe to this day, killed him. He ODed on pain medications and didn't have a will. I was his only child. Because I was no longer a minor, I had absolutely no right to any of his belongings. Not even the pictures of him and I. Not the cards he kept that I had made him as a child. Not a damn thing. It all went to her. Everything. This is STILL a painful thing for me to talk about, as I would have liked to have the pictures, or ANYTHING to remember him by. ANYTHING. But because he didn't have a will, it didn't work out. It was a really sad situation. Everyone should have a living will. EVERYONE. I had assumed because I was his only child I would be entitled to something, but the law doesn't work that way. Everyone should have a will.

So yeah. That's my two cents. Keep in mind I have a good relationship with my mother and my fiance has a good relationship with his folks. If things are strained between you and your parents I'm not going to claim they are going to be ecstatic to tell you about how they want their death to be handled. I can only speak from personal experience.

HugoChavezRamboIII · 5 months

Stock up on Werthers Originals.

... I'm sorry that was in poor taste... I'm interested in older folks' replies to this too.

Shwoodge · 5 months

After reading all of these posts, I don't want to get old

pabstish · 5 months

Please, please, please as someone who does paperwork in the medical field, become your parents' Power of Attorney... This makes the whole healthcare process easier, more streamline, and saves a TON of trouble on our end, plus it allows you access to their medical information. The first thing I did after I got this job was to become my parents', and they're in perfectly good health. It's always easier to be prepared for the worst.

fireunderwater · 5 months

Medication list, Durable power of attorney, funeral wishes/arrangements, lists of friends w/contact info., your family tree information. A picture album (or several) of thier lives. RESPECT. DIGNITY. YOUR TIME.

imionme · 5 months

One thing I can tell you from experience: If your parents had ever said when they were younger "if I ever get like that, kill me" while referring to someone older (about the age your parents are today)... THEY DO NOT MEAN IT. If you try to smother them with a pillow - only to comply with their much earlier request - they will get all bent out of shape and future family functions will be very awkward.

EDIT: had spelled you're instead of your. ashamed, returning all karma.

dcolt · 5 months

You questions (and a lot of the answers!) seem to assume that they haven't thought about these things.

So don't just TELL them shit: ask them, "What do I need to know if you become incapacitated?"

Also, the best time to enjoy your parents is the time between when you move out and they go into their final round of health problems. Make the most of the time you have now.

Brantliveson · 5 months

This is the time to strengthen your relationship. If there is potential for your relationship to be deeper, tell them! I am 25 and have just come to the realization in the last year that my relationship with my parents is incredibly shallow and I don't want it to be. I am going to have a "meeting" when I go home for Christmas to tell them that I desire more and that I want to approach our relationship as an adult (this will be scary but worth it eventually).

HalfRations · 5 months

Buy them a video game system and get them playing video games. Keeps the mind sharp.

CosineX · 5 months

Watch for signs of Alzheimer's and senility, and if you see signs don't ignore it. There's a lot of medication out there these days.

HockeyandMath · 5 months

You can best help the rest of the world by taking their keys away from them. Don't let them drive if you ever see them deteriorating. My nearly blind great uncle got into an accident because my great aunt (who never obtained a drivers license her whole life) was giving him directions on when to turn and to break.

stinkypyper · 5 months

Get them off their asses. Many of the older people today have made a lot of terrible lifestyle choices, and still continue to. They can be surprisingly lazy and eat terrible diets, smoke, and drink too much, and many are TV addicts. They have been doing it for a long time, so you have a life time of that to deal with. As well, many have had boring repetitive jobs and haven’t read a thing or had a thought in decades, so their brains are practically dead. Get them eating properly, exercising, and reading.

thediz1396 · 5 months

Watching my mom.and aunt deal with my grandma one thing I would do.and will do when my parents get older is help them downsize. It makes their life and yours when the end comes much easier. Help them get rid of all that crap they have collected over the years. Be gentle about it and sometimes it will mean a fight and throwing stuff out when they are not looking. My grandma is a child of the depression so getting rid of anything ishardfor her and we had to throw or donate a lot when she wasn't looking. Its not really a health related tip but there will come a time when they will be living in a much smaller placethan they are used to. Getting rid of stuff before this switch happens is much easier. In the end it simplifies their life and is less that they have to worry about or clean or pack later when they are more fragile.

Somanytacos · 5 months

have a plan about what you're going to do when they can't take care of themselves anymore. give yourself a limit and point where you have to conceed and say "ok, they can't take care of themselves anymore" and either put them in a home or have them live with you, etc.

my mom and her siblings keep pushing back their "line" as to when they put their mom in a home. first it was "when she doesn't recognize her home as her home anymore, we'll do it". well, my grandmother has NO idea where she is anymore, but they still won't move her. then it was "well if she escapes the house, we'll do it". she escaped one day and wandered around town IN THE WINTER in her pajamas and slippers, only to get picked up by the cops. she's STILL in her own home

*she has dementia by the way.

slumper · 5 months

Be patient. Your parents were great once, and they're still great today.

zak_on_reddit · 5 months

at some point you're going to wipe their butt or help them pee.

they are going to get weak, frail and lose some or a lot of their mental faculties. it's going to get really frustrating and annoying to be with them at times.

and depending on how well they planned for their financial future they will probably become a bit of a money drain on you. my mother didn't plan well for her later years. i've given her at least $13K over the last 4 years.

as they get older they also get set in their ways so they can be really stubborn or inflexible. sometimes it's enough to make you want to wring their necks.

and depending on your relationship with them, when they pass, it can be liberating.

Milieunairess · 5 months

Read "The Bittersweet Season: Caring for our Aging Parents" by Jane Gross. Eye-opening. Not sure how old your parents are, but it definitely opened conversations between me and my parents (70 and 80 somethings) and me and my inlaws (70-somethings). It also made me think about how/where I want to live in 20 years, and how we should be changing what continuing care facilities look like. The Green House Project is a good start.

Canadian_in_Canada · 5 months

Vitamin B12 deficiency can lead to cognitive decline. One of the causes is pernicious anemia, which can develop as people age. If your parents (or even someone younger) begins to show signs of cognitive decline, get their B12 levels checked.

poooboy · 5 months

There's a lot of good advice already posted in this thread. Please also encourage the use of hearing aids (reduces social isolation), calcium and Vit D supplements, regular exercise, immunizations (pneumovax, shingles, flu), and high fiber diets (frequent constipation in the elderly).

Don't be too aggressive with medical procedures/workups and please come to at least a few visits with your parents so you get to know their doctors.

I do a lot of geriatrics in my practice.

Bro_man · 5 months

Make them give you their money in a steady interval before they pass, inheritance tax is a total bitch.

emceefall · 5 months

Tell them to write a memoir of their life.

ABDPaddington · 5 months

KEEP. THEM. MOVING. You sit, you die. I realize this is largely their own responsibility, but there is a very direct correlation between people who sit down and fatten in front of the TV in their declining years and the ones who stay active and interested in life. Anything you can do to motivate/inspire them to keep moving will go a LONG way towards keeping them mentally and physically healthy as they age.

Also, ditto on the other info about setting up a living will, discussing financial stuff, and being prepared to be very patient as your parents grow dependent again for the first time in many decades. And try not to stress; it doesn't have to be miserable. Seeing your aged parents become like children again can be oddly touching, and give you a whole new appreciation for what they went through with you. ;-)

steeenah · 5 months

Just gonna go with my own story. I'm 21, my dad's 75 (the ages in my family are completely screwed up, for example my sister has a granddaughter). Currently they're trying to decide if he has dementia/parkinsons/cancer, so I'm pretty much at the moment where I have to start taking care of my dad instead of the opposite.

The first thing is I'd like to repeat what several others have said: Even if it's tough seeing your parents slowly fade away, go visit them. Spend time with them. That's the least you can do for them, and yourself.

Second thing, let your parents make their own decisions. It took a while for my dad to finally accept that he was getting older, heart couldn't take as much etc... it was tough for him, he kept saying he wasn't a worthy father/husband anymore, but he's come to terms with it since.

It took longer time for him to give up car driving, cleaning the home, going to the grocery store, etc. These are things you've taken for granted to be able to do all of your life, I'd imagine it's easier to say stop when you feel ready instead of having someone else tell you what to do and not. (except for car driving...)

My mom takes care of all the fancy stuff, medications, wills and so on, so I can't really help you much there. In a way I wish the process was faster, but I'm still very happy that I have my dad around. If there's something he's taught me while getting older, it's that it's good to have HELLUVA LOTS OF PATIENCE.

veryyberry · 5 months

If you dont know how to care for parents as they get older you really shouldnt have gotten them to start with. I know they're all quite and adorable when they're young but most people just abandon them when they get older and thats just wrong.

ncsubowen · 5 months

Figure out what's going to happen when they can't take care of themselves. Let them help pick out communities that they can be a part of. Establish what they think you should to do help versus what you're actually capable of/willing to do.

Love them now, especially while they can remember you.

Jonesgrieves · 5 months

And I thought losing a pet was heartbreaking. I am not ready.

eaten_by_the_grue · 5 months

I am 32. My dad is 91, my mother 70. I typed a much longer response but somehow it went away and the powers of ctrl-z won't bring it back. There was even a TL;DR at the end of each section. So here's a basic list and if you want more info I will happily elaborate.

*the pharmacy most older people have in their homes and the related complications

*driving

*cuts and bruises- the skin thins and old people can get cut more easily

*dementia and Alzheimer's are horrible to live with

*weight-loss can be the enemy

*hygiene is very important, but in different ways

*Diabetes, shingles, pneumonia, staph infections (from hospital stays), myasthenia gravis, thyroid issues and other "fun" diseases

*bones are more brittle therefore falling is very dangerous

*depression from a loss of self-image and self-worth

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I help my mom out a lot with all this, so please feel free to ask me anything relating to this list or to old people in general. I'll do my best to answer.

HeyThatsMyPeabody · 5 months

I saw what my parents went through with my grandparents and I can see where they are headed, and its a tough road.

Foremost above everything else, you need to just be there for them. As they get older you need to try and see them more often, just to show you care and so you can notice if they are having worse problems.

Don't force the issue. No one likes to come to terms with their morality or the fact that they may not be able to take care of themselves (or their spouse forever). Don't demand to see wills or see bank statments. Just bring it up to them by asking what their plans are for the next 10, 15, 20 years.
If you parents get comfortable with the idea of getting help, you should help them get their medical and financial lives in order. Ask to help organize and locate all their financial holdings. DO NOT DEMAND/REQUEST THAT YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER THE FINANCIALS. Make sure they can account for all their asets and liablities. You don't want to forget abotu the line of credit they have some bank, and you also don't want to think about that retirement plan they had at their old job they left 25 years ago.
As they get older, I would start having financial check-ups every year. Just so you know where the money is if for some reason your parents are incapacitated for some reason. As they get older it will help as they start to forget things (like filing taxes, or cashing that dividend check).
If your parent's drive, make it a point to ride passenger with them every so often. You can notice if they are becoming an at-risk driver. I found this to be one of the hardest discussions, since it is usually the first stage in a sharpe decline. It's emotionally jarring for a person to be told they CAN'T do something they have done for probably 50+ years.

All in all the most important thing is to just be there for them and to be PROACTIVE with them instead of REACTIVE to them. You want them to have as much control as possible over their last years, but you can only let that happen if you plan it with them before its time.

AlysetheBeast · 5 months

I don't know if you will see this comment or not. As a nurse, I can say that the best thing for you to do right now is to find out what your parents wishes are. Do they want to be resuscitated? Do they want to be kept alive on life support, if so how long? I really think these are good things for everyone to decide on. My husband and I are in our mid 20s and we know exactly how the other feels about life support and such. I don't know how old your parents are, but make sure they are prepared if they ever have to go to the hospital. Make a list of their medications, conditions they have, and past surgeries. Have them keep it where they can easily access it if they have to go to the hospital. My grandparents are both on a lot of medications so my grandmother keeps a list on both of their iPhones. Keep in mind that people change mentally as they age. If you notice forgetfulness, don't jump to conclusions, just be aware of it. Dementia happens to a lot of people, but only be concerned if the forgetfulness is progressive.

[deleted] · 5 months

That someday.... you will be in their place. So treat them like you'll want to be treated when you reach their age.

doozer_12 · 5 months

I briefly glanced at the responses so I hope that this isn't a repost. I used to work in insurance and sadly had to deal with fatalities sometimes. The first thing I learned is that if there isn't a will in place, everything takes 10x longer and gets very expensive...

1 You want to make sure that your parents have a will in place (To be honest, if you are old enough to have your own home, vehicle, bills etc you should have one too). If there is a will in place then an executer of the estate will be named in the will (usually an attorney or family member or friend). The executer can handle finances, funeral arrangements, bills and any property involved fairly easily (physical ease not emotional ease). If there isn't an executer then the next of kin has to appeal to the court to get appointed executer. This doesn't happen quickly and I have had claims that didn't get closed for 4 months because we had to wait 2-3 months for an executer to be appointed. Find out who has a copy of the will and who the executer is. Make sure that your siblings know who the executer is so that there isn't any fighting. Death is a lot of stress on a family and people get upset when they think you are taking over. If they know before hand who is executer they can't claim to be surprised. It is best if your parents explain to everyone who the executer is...

2 Make sure that you know some basic information about your parent's finances. Is their house paid off? If so where is the deed and if not who is the loan with and about how much is owed? If they have a vehicle loan you will need that information as well. You will have to contact all lien holders and credit card companies to let them know that there has been a death. This helps prevent fraudulent charges but it also helps you settle out the accounts. If you don't know how many credit cards or loans your parents have then what is to prevent someone from claiming that your parents owe them a debt? Or if the debt is legitimate what is to keep them from running up the amount of the debt? I don't mean that you should turn into your parent's accountant but names and phone and account numbers are important. You can confirm amounts from their bank or credit card statements.

3 Find out where your parents keep their important paperwork. Credit card statements, bank statements, social security cards, passports etc. You will need this information and nothing sucks worse than having to go through your parent's stuff and being angry at them for "hiding" it all from you. It is also a good idea to know if they have any safety deposit boxes and where expensive jewelry is hidden. I do not recommend leaving expensive jewelry in an empty house. If you are executer you can put it in a safety deposit box until everything can be distributed according to your parents wishes. People have a tendency to just start taking from their parents homes and they may take something they are not supposed to have.

#4 Find out if your parents have an advance directive and get a copy of it. You don't want to find out that your parents have a DNR (do not resuscitate) as they are dying in front of you. If they do not have an advance directive they need to set one up. If they are retired military the VA can help you do this.

#5 Find out what kind of life insurance your parents have. Do they have disability insurance? If they have a stroke and end up in a living facility what is going to pay for that? Unless you are a multimillionaire you can't afford it and you don't want to have to figure out how you are going to pay for extended care when they are already in it.

6 Discuss these things with your parents even if they tell you they are uncomfortable discussing them. No one wants to talk about the death of a loved one but it is the only way to ensure that their wishes be followed. Do you know if they want to be buried or cremated? Where do they want to be buried or where do they want their ashes spread? Do they even want a service? What kind of service? Who would they like to speak? If their wishes are known in advance it is much easier to get through these things because there are less decisions for you to make. It also helps cut back on family squabbling over the arrangements because the deceased made these decisions for you. This is also a good time to make your wishes known to family members. This is not the time to tell Mom that you want her diamond earrings. Pull her aside at a later date and hint to her that certain things are important to you but do not do it during this meeting unless your parents ask you what you want. It is a tense enough discussion as it is, no need to add more fuel to the fire.

I am starting to get a migraine but please feel free to message me if you have questions. If I can I will add more later. I hope this helps. Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors.

Kalium · 5 months

Accept that they will die. It will likely come suddenly. It will be a shock.

Have some idea of how to grieve. My great-aunt died last night, and I don't have the slightest fucking clue of how to handle this.

Invisible_Jim · 5 months

Had this recently with parents & grandparents...

Sounds morbid, but it can cause massive issues if they do not have up to date Will's.
Update any existing Will's to avoid an inheritance tax where possible. E.g. if you Father own's the house they live in, try and get it split between him and your Mother so that if one dies you and any siblings inherit their half split between you and the remainder when the other dies. This will avoid a massive tax bill.
Make sure you have ALL the info about any insurance policies or savings/investments they have
Ask them to add you and any siblings on to their bank accounts as signatories so if something does happen to them you have access to any funds to cover medical expenses/emergencies
Plan for their passing, get them to write down what they want to happen to them once they die. Burial or cremation etc..
Get them to write down their medical history and if possible about their relatives in case your asked
If they are taking a lot of medication, get an up to date list
Lastly, ask them about their lives and their families lives. Nothing worse than having not asked the questions you wanted.

btinc · 5 months

I'm 58 with a mother who is 96. My in-laws are both 88.

There is a lot of good advice here, but the one thing I would like to add is that having a frank discussion with them about how they want to deal with the fact that as they grow older they will be able to do less and less for themselves, and one way or another they will need to figure out how that will be dealt with.

If they can make the choices themselves, it will go better for them and they can make the changes under their own terms. If not, eventually the choices have to be made for them and it is much less pleasant.

The kinds of choices I'm talking about are whether they move to an independent-living arrangement that stages to more and more care, or if they can afford it, have in-house care. Thinking about long-term care is also important.

If they have no means and are living with a small fixed income, it's not going to be fun. If they have some means, they will still have to realized that a time comes where you can't take care of yourself.

One very important thing is understanding when you have to give up driving. Ideally, it's before you kill yourselves or, worse, someone else. No one wants to do this, but there is a point where everyone must stop driving.

I've spent the last 20 years helping my mom with this transition, and she's been great about it. My in-laws: not so much.

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