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[–]moonflower 73 points74 points ago

''Hand wash only''

In the machine it goes!

[–]nuclear_cheese 34 points35 points ago

Machine wash only.

Fuck it, I'll use the hose.

[–]deciple87 2 points3 points ago

I want to put that on a t-shirt.

[–]RedditRedneck 30 points31 points ago

This shirt says "Dry Clean Only".

That means it is dirty.

[–]ambroaz 6 points7 points ago

Thank you Mitch.

[–]mindspillage 14 points15 points ago

Ditto. If it doesn't survive the wash machine, I was never going to wear it after it got dirty anyway.

[–]taa 6 points7 points ago

And thence into the tumble dryer, happily disregarding that warning.

[–]cloudpuff 64 points65 points ago

"Please drink responsibly"

[–]Plavonica 11 points12 points ago

Otherwise whats the point?

[–]qwertvert64 118 points119 points ago

Do not eat raw cookie dough.

[–]blueocean43 26 points27 points ago

You can make cookie dough without the eggs, instead replacing them with an eggs worth of milk (2oz i think), if you plan to eat it raw.

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points ago

a metric eggsworth

[–]23saround 12 points13 points ago

But who actually plans to eat it raw? It just kinda...happens...

[–]blueocean43 8 points9 points ago

In that case, plan to make vegan cookie dough (replace the egg with half a banana and the butter with margarine). Still bakes like cookies, but no chance of salmonella if you 'accidentally' eat it all before you bake it.

[–]MiniRipperton 2 points3 points ago

I prefer egg replacer. I don't always like the banana flavour.

[–]KingIsMe123 10 points11 points ago

...you are my god...

[–]diode333 10 points11 points ago

an interesting choice.

[–]NinjaViking 7 points8 points ago

or you could buy pasteurized egg.

[–]n734lq 40 points41 points ago

"Alright, who ordered the beef and bean burrito?"

"Oh, that's me."

"There you are, sir. Careful, the plate's very, very hot."

[–]Marc_the_Ardvark 3 points4 points ago

Had a couple waitresses actually pull my plate back from me reaching for it. Bitch I'm helping you so you don't need to stretch over this long ass table, give me my fucking food damnit. I'm hungry and have been waiting here for fucking hours..is what I say in my head because I'm hungrumpy as fuck, but actually just politely smile and let her do it cause I really know shes just trying to be helpful and nice.

[–]PrairieHarpy 33 points34 points ago

Please never try to "help" servers by taking plates from them, especially if they have their hands full. I know it sounds dickish, but they have a system worked out and would rather you let them go about it.

[–]vingt-deux 39 points40 points ago

It's not a warning, but a challenge and it's coming from myself : Tonight I'm gonna sleep early.

I fail every.fucking.time.

[–]benjgvps 15 points16 points ago

Looks at time

Fuck.

[–]23saround 5 points6 points ago

Yup, it's midnight here and I have to get up at 5:45 tomorrow XP

[–]pirate_doug 0 points1 point ago

I get up at 4am for work. I usually lay down no earlier than 9:30 pm. And then it's time for iPad play. Either porn, which is quickly over and I'm snoozing like a baby, or Reddit in which case, I could probably put my work clothes on then.

[–]msgobstopper 31 points32 points ago

The cellphone-must-be-turned-off sign at the gas stations ;]

[–]mrzulu[S] 17 points18 points ago

Agreed. Complete BS.

[–]HardlyWorkingDotOrg 1 point2 points ago

Wasn't it established that this was not because of the wireless signals but because of potential sparks that could ignite the gas fumes should you drop your phone and the battery would come off?

Never had a problem with an iPhone in that regard...

[–]peas_in_a_can_pie 8 points9 points ago

:/ is it bad i sometimes smoke at gas stations?

[–]hannahalexia 47 points48 points ago

Yes, that is bad.

[–]badgrammar 11 points12 points ago

It's bad for your lungs.

[–]blueocean43 7 points8 points ago

... Yes. This is not the same thing as using a cell phone at all, as cellphones do not give off and form of naked flame.

[–]secondsflat 4 points5 points ago

A guy I dated kept his car running when he filled up his gas tank

While I was in the car

[–]sheerheartattack 3 points4 points ago

If that were in any way even remotely dangerous, gas station fatalities would be incalculable.

[–]I_thinkImsmart 13 points14 points ago

No keep doing it.

[–]deu5 29 points30 points ago

He'll have a blast.

[–]acokanahaf 6 points7 points ago

Zing

[–]sheerheartattack 8 points9 points ago

A cigarette cannot set gasoline alight, but I am sure it is not worth the hassle of explaining that to everyone at the gas station.

[–]BlueAndFuzzy 7 points8 points ago

Is it bad that I've never noticed one of these signs?

[–]applej00sh 5 points6 points ago

It doesn't matter. Cell phones have nothing to do with starting fires at gas stations. Watch Mythbusters and you'll see

[–]arghnard 85 points86 points ago

"Microwave for 2 minutes. Let it sit to cool for 1 minute."

bah

[–]ClamOfDoom 30 points31 points ago

The festering gum blisters were TOTALLY worth being able to eat that Hot Pocket 60 seconds sooner. Or so I like to tell myself.

[–]TheShaker 11 points12 points ago

I think the bigger problem is that you're eating Hot Pockets.

[–]pirate_doug 2 points3 points ago

Hoooot Pockets.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

[–]xcprussia 16 points17 points ago

The let stand in the microwave part is actually an important part of the cooking process

[–]TimesAreTough 5 points6 points ago

Very true. My microwave food experiences have improved exponentially since I started letting stuff cool. Although for me part of that is that I have a really low tolerance to hot (temperature-wise) foods.

Scumbag microwavable foods:

2 min to cook fully

5 min to cool to an edible level

[–]jusksmit 2 points3 points ago

Amen!

When I was younger, I always ignored this step, too, thinking it was just a ridiculous "safety step" that their lawyers made them put in.

Turns out, that's absolutely not the case. The food continues cooking long after the microwave stops, and letting it stand and finish cooking is a very important part of the process. Ever since then, frozen meals have started tasting much better. :D

[–]gordofrog 5 points6 points ago

"Do not microwave"

Screw you pizza, the oven takes too long

[–]Ap_science 1 point2 points ago

Carla: Oh my God, I can't stand it, thirty more seconds! Turk: OK, don't get too excited. They have to cool off for a minute. That cheese is like lava.

[–]ClockworkMonkey 27 points28 points ago

"please close all other programs before proceeding with the installation"

[–]coerciblegerm 16 points17 points ago

Please restart your computer to complete the installation.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Lost216 36 points37 points ago

I can't get past the fact that crazies are usually best in the sack

[–]mauxly 18 points19 points ago

Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.

[–]mrzulu[S] 7 points8 points ago

I like the rhyme.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]fireindeedhot 7 points8 points ago

Why not "always have an escape plan when sticking your dick in crazy." If you don't stick your dick in crazy, you want have any good stories to tell people

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

I stuck my dick in crazy. I can't even escape. Shit has hit the roof. Somebody end this madness.

[–]TheEnglishAvenger 2 points3 points ago

won't

[–]Lost216 5 points6 points ago

See, this is a much better rule.

[–]ltw999 0 points1 point ago

Doesn't matter; got upvotes.

[–]nikocujo 4 points5 points ago

I have gotten in more trouble ignoring that piece of advice than I'd care to admit.

The flesh is weak, even when you know she's stalker material.

[–]aBEARica 19 points20 points ago

Are you 18 and willing to see adult content? Why of course.

[–]Bronan_the_Brobarian 14 points15 points ago

I remember when I got to stop having to do that

[–]animatedradio 2 points3 points ago

I remember being really happy about it, and now when I realise that that time was a good 3 years ago (not much time, really, but still), it makes me sad.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]mauxly 13 points14 points ago

A few years ago my doctor read me the riot act for using Q-tips in my ears. And I thought to myself, "What in the fuck are you supposed to use them for then?"

Every morning I ignore his advice and put myself in a q-tip/ear canal trance.

[–]derefr 6 points7 points ago

"What in the fuck are you supposed to use them for then?"

They have other uses... for, example, you could, uh... put some rubbing alcohol on them and clean the contacts on video game cartridges... pppfshHAHAHAHA okay I'm totally joking yes cleaning your ears is what they're for.

But your doctor is still completely correct: Q-tips are entirely made, shipped, sold, and purchased to do something people shouldn't be doing. They're basically ear cigarettes.

[–]blueocean43 7 points8 points ago

Don't stick crazy in your ear?

[–]23saround 11 points12 points ago

Don't stick your dick in your ear, or a q-tip in crazy

[–]ctnguy 16 points17 points ago

"Do not insert cotton bud into ear canal."

[–]mikethecamera 34 points35 points ago

Smoking Kills... ha I'm still here.... cough... eurgh!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Psychicthriller 9 points10 points ago

HE CHOSE A HALF MEASURE

[–]astamar 27 points28 points ago

The fire alarm in my apartment building. If it goes off in the middle of the night I usually just roll over and go to sleep. Unless I smell smoke I am not getting up, putting on pants, and dragging both my ass and my cat down 25 flights of stairs.

I would literally rather die.

[–]applej00sh 13 points14 points ago

I'm guessing this doesn't matter to you based on you reply but you cant smell when you are asleep.

[–]powpowpowkazam 4 points5 points ago

But the fire alarm wakes him, he gives a good sniff then goes back to sleep. Foolproof.

[–]mrzulu[S] 5 points6 points ago

That's harsh, but understandable.

[–]sheerheartattack 5 points6 points ago

The concept of fire drills is beyond comprehension. What stupid fuck thought it was a good idea to take a signal indicative of danger and to turn it into a signal that almost certainly means otherwise?

[–]ForNoRaeson 14 points15 points ago

My recommended daily intake of sugar. I'm pretty sure I'm working at an average of 200% RDA but fuck it, I'm wild, yeah? Can't tame me.

[–]_zurich 14 points15 points ago

Can't tame your type 2 diabetes either. Those insulin levels are really out of control

[–]helgaofthenorth 2 points3 points ago

Recommended daily intake of sugar for women = 25 g

Sugar in 1 can of Mountain Dew = 31 g

...

<3 Mountain Dew!

[–]Evil_Benevolence 13 points14 points ago

"You're wasting the best years of your life!"

I agree.

[–]gvendurf 13 points14 points ago

I never read the license agreement or safely remove hardware.

What a rebel I am...

[–]hgritchie 59 points60 points ago*

"Please safely eject drive before removing".

To hell with that.

[–]epicRelic 16 points17 points ago

5 years ago during my senior project for high school, I didn't safely eject and it resulted in me actually losing important files. Be warned.

[–]twistedfork 8 points9 points ago

I once turned a PS2 off without properly exiting the game or whatever, and completely destroyed my save file.

[–]NoDownvotesPlease 6 points7 points ago

1st world problem.

[–]goldemerald 6 points7 points ago

I knew this would be here before I finished reading the question.

[–]KingIsMe123 5 points6 points ago

Life's too short to remove the USB device safely.

[–]Gonzobot 10 points11 points ago

I ignore about three dozen 'do not enter' 'employees only' and 'visitors must register at the front office' signs on a daily basis. Being a courier is fun.

[–]fenikz 9 points10 points ago

"Your computer might be at risk"

[–]Forthewolfx 7 points8 points ago

Ha! I don't have time to "eject" my USB!

[–]nosleepatall 4 points5 points ago

Wow, it's the legendary Forthewolfx! Of course you don't have time, Forthewolfx has always more important things to do than waiting!

[–]penguinHP 22 points23 points ago

NSFW tags

[–]fishwithfeet 22 points23 points ago

NSFL tags

[–]HowsTricksMurphy 37 points38 points ago

Posted speed limits are just suggestions.. right?

[–]shaggy1265 5 points6 points ago

The yellow ones on curves in the road actually are, the actual speed limit is what is posted on the white signs (at least in CA).

[–]Lost216 6 points7 points ago

My tires are Y-rated, so 186 is safe for me. Completely, entirely safe.

[–]ThisIsImpossibraaaah 4 points5 points ago

z rated alllllll the way, baby

[–]Lost216 10 points11 points ago

Y rated is higher, Z rated is 149 mph. I make tires for a living. Here's a full chart.

http://www.tirerack.com/tires/tiretech/techpage.jsp?techid=35&

[–]ThisIsImpossibraaaah 6 points7 points ago

oh, i'm sorry. I was using z-rated sub y rated tires. They still say 215zr17.

[–]allRedDanger 2 points3 points ago

TIL

[–]boxsterguy 2 points3 points ago

Z rating is 149+. W and Y were added after Z was defined, when car manufacturers made cars go faster and faster. W-rated and Y-rated tires are also Z-rated.

[–]AskMeAboutMyUsername 9 points10 points ago

For Tobacco Use Only

[–]Shprintze613 6 points7 points ago

Cuidado: Piso Mojado.

[–]jhudsui 5 points6 points ago

I'm really not supposed to take caffeine while on a Wellbutrin prescription. I'm really really not supposed to take more powerful stimulants.

[–]miss_j_bean 4 points5 points ago

I was prescribed wellbutrin and adderall from the same doctor for years. I also drank a lot with it. No problems.

[–]yilily 4 points5 points ago

"Do not lean on door" sign on NYC subway cars.

[–]ThisIsImpossibraaaah 5 points6 points ago

Anytime I see the sleepy eyes and a crossed out martini on a pill bottle.

[–]phenix_04 6 points7 points ago

"Don't Play with Fire!"

[–]dynamosoccer 4 points5 points ago

The thunderstorm warnings on tv.

[–]GrifFonzy 7 points8 points ago

"DO NOT FREEZE GLUE" curiosity killed the cat, literally.

[–]Rabajiin 5 points6 points ago

You may be a victim of software counterfeiting...

Please computer, I'm not the victim. YOU ARE!

[–]Leeser 17 points18 points ago

I swallow gum. All the time. One of its main ingredients is corn starch, and that's easily digestible. That it's not safe to swallow it is a myth in my book.

[–]iAgreeToDisagree 12 points13 points ago

It actually is a myth. It'll take about 3 days to get out of your system.

[–]Thinc_Ng_Kap 10 points11 points ago

One of its main ingredients...

[–]ForeverAlonzo 7 points8 points ago

As someone who works in shipping, I just want to say that putting tape over barcodes doesn't actually do anything. Doesn't matter at all. It's just a myth.

[–]shaggy1265 7 points8 points ago

As long as the tape is clear you are correct.

[–]mrzulu[S] 6 points7 points ago

Good to know. If ever asked I will tell them ForeverAlonzo said so.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]russianout 5 points6 points ago

Tornado warning: Go to lowest level of your home and stay away from windows.

Reality: Stand in front yard; watch for tornado.

Edit: a word

[–]GrimTuesday 5 points6 points ago

I pull out USB sticks without ejecting.

[–]namegoeswhere 3 points4 points ago

um, drinking responsibly, probably. or "do not mix with alcohol."

..i might need help.

[–]qthebard 5 points6 points ago

"If you don't believe in god, then you're going to hell!"

[–]Stratpat 19 points20 points ago

Cut off labels from mattresses....the mattess police have NOTHING on me!!!

[–]celesteyay 18 points19 points ago

I'm pretty sure that that warning only applies to the seller so that when someone's buying in they know what their mattress is made out of (in case of allergies or whatever.)

You can rip your own mattress tag and no one will care.

[–]for_the_shiggles 1 point2 points ago

Just take the time to read the label. Entirely safe and legal to cut tags off your own shit.

[–]PyramidGod 1 point2 points ago

Came here to say this. Tags on chairs, mattresses, couches, are not safe from me and my scissors.

[–]23saround 2 points3 points ago

When I was little I accidentally ripped one off, so I treated the thing like a body, I hid it in my room until I had the chance to sneak it to the garbage.

And yes, I do hide all my dead bodies in my room.

[–]N3Y5VHBB 8 points9 points ago

"Don't crack your knuckles."

[–]pandeomonia 11 points12 points ago

There's nothing wrong with cracking your knuckles.

[–]TheAnalyst138 2 points3 points ago

I believe a guy won a Nobel Prize for disproving this by only cracking the knuckles on one of his hands and not developing arthritis.

[–]ebass 7 points8 points ago

He won the Ig Nobel Prize which is a parody, not the actual Nobel Prize.

[–]dsaavedra 4 points5 points ago

there are several doors on the dining hall at my school that have "emergency exit, alarm will sound" stickers on them but they are complete bullshit, only there to stop people from opening the doors and letting kids in without paying. i walk out of them regularly

[–]guavainindia 4 points5 points ago

"You are a woman in India. DON'T SLAP PEOPLE"

[–]zacharyfantastico 4 points5 points ago

How can she SLAP!?

[–]guavainindia 2 points3 points ago

Pretty much. Apparently I'm not demure enough. And apparently slapping a man from a warrior tribe, who is a few years older than me, in the middle of the main street in town wasn't...ladylike. He threatened me, so I slapped him.

[–]captainbigglesworth 3 points4 points ago

Warning this product causes mouth cancer and tooth loss

[–]Shirokage 4 points5 points ago

"Fast food is bad for you." - Have been eating stuff like McDonald's for most of my life, and I am only 140 lbs and mostly muscle. Barely workout (although I am starting a little bit).

"Careful, this plate is hot." - I'll be the judge of that. Touches plate

[–]l0c0dantes 2 points3 points ago

It is bad for you on a nutrition per gram basis. If you eat it in moderation, or in line with the rest of your diet, I supposed its ok. Whats your cholesterol like?

[–]Kar0xqe 5 points6 points ago

Outdated software that I'm too lazy to update

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

DONT WALK

[–]l0c0dantes 4 points5 points ago

Ensure that this computer and programs are used for only official business. I ignore that fucker every time it comes up. I don't actually obey it, I just blindly hit OK at this point.

[–]shanksawalrus 5 points6 points ago

"use a condom or get the hiv" :o

[–]LoveFluffyBunny 4 points5 points ago

The general "don't lean back in your chair" yeah busted my head on the floor in school a lot... Totally worth it every time :)

[–]NinjaViking 5 points6 points ago

"Silica gel - do not eat"

FUCK YOU I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT OMNOMNOMNOM

[–]Unwright 17 points18 points ago

First of all, fuck you. If you for any reason have ever interfered with package tracking for doing so, I hate you. If not, I apologize for my harsh language.

Second, as a college student who's meals subsist almost solely of instant food, "do not microwave". It's a challenge more than a warning.

[–]pirate_doug 3 points4 points ago

He almost certainly has. Though all that shit's automated, so it probably just delayed his package a day or two.

Though I work in the Over, Short, and Damages section of a LTL trucking company, and I can tell you right now, ANYTHING I ship gets plenty of labeling, with the Pro number, Consignee, and my Shipper address all over it and inside it.

I'd say a solid 50% of damaged freight I see actually gets damaged when it comes to OS&D because the dock workers thing of OS&D as "the place where that fucked up shit goes to die" and not "the place where that fucked up shit goes to get fixed"

[–]redeyeddevil 7 points8 points ago

Wife: "Fast food is really bad for you, get a salad".

Me: Orders biggest burger they have, every time.

[–]pirate_doug 2 points3 points ago

Their salads are as bad for you as their sandwiches.

[–]shaggy1265 7 points8 points ago

Might have been said already but "Service engine soon".

[–]arjalon 3 points4 points ago

There are all those traffic suggestions like "speed limit 65" and "dangerous curves ahead"..

[–]monty20python 3 points4 points ago

In my car I've found I can take those 30 suggested corners at about 50, and the 50 ones at 80+

[–]VanellieIce 2 points3 points ago

Media ratings.

[–]umlong23 2 points3 points ago

Left/Right turn only. Challenge accepted.

[–]mryaz88 1 point2 points ago

Women that laugh about issues that shouldnt be laughed about. Examples include. Laughing about their ex sleeping with their mom. Ignoring daddy issues, ignoring slutty issues.

Yep...

[–]Strivus 1 point2 points ago

D.U.I's

[–]homerjaythompson 3 points4 points ago

Speed limits.

[–]codecoder 3 points4 points ago

You're running out of battery. Please conne

[–]gehsekky 3 points4 points ago

check engine.

[–]thebeefytaco 4 points5 points ago

"Please turn off your mobiles and electronic devices during take off"

I have faith in the mythbusters.

[–]mrzulu[S] 7 points8 points ago

Correct. There's no way your phone or iPod or Kindle will affect the flight avionics. What they'd like for is for you to pay attention in case shit goes horribly wrong. I figure by the point I'm beyond able to help anyways.

[–]michaelme 4 points5 points ago

Signs that say "Bro you have to turn onto this exit at like 7mph"

Nah Nah, im swervin'

[–]Dan_the_moto_man 1 point2 points ago

People follow warning labels?

[–]RPBiohazard 2 points3 points ago

"Safely remove hardware"

[–]peas_in_a_can_pie 2 points3 points ago

Cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide

[–]proggieus 2 points3 points ago

Place on ground,Light fuse, Get away

[–]neethak 2 points3 points ago

Stand on the top tier of the ladder. Don't tell me I could lose my balance, I have the balance of a fucking tight-rope walker.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

"Danger: High Voltage"

Those signs are always lies.

[–]czernobog_36 2 points3 points ago

Do not operate heavy machinery.

[–]Ispeakrobot 2 points3 points ago

Weather warnings that come over the top of the television. High winds or thunderstorm warning? Whatever.

[–]lee_ror 2 points3 points ago

Do not take with alcohol just means take with water then consume right? Ok so I'm in the clear, no warnings ignored.

[–]ClamOfDoom 1 point2 points ago

"Do not microwave in ovens less than 1000W." Meh, I'll just tack on an extra minute or two...

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

The warning on the DDR game that tells me I'm going to die if I trip and fall.

[–]Elbowskin 2 points3 points ago

Cooking bacon naked.

[–]kyle90 2 points3 points ago

"Do not look into laser beam"

But they're so pretty...

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

"Don't leave whitening gel on for more then 5 minutes" Bitch, I'm sleeping with this shit on. Fuckin teeth are gonna be whiter than Gwenyth Paltrow picking pumpkins.

[–]Barry_McCockiner 1 point2 points ago

I find that warnings are for pussys.

[–]Methionine 0 points1 point ago

The cancer warnings on cigarette cartons. Dammit.

[–]carlythesniper 2 points3 points ago

Speed limits.

[–]CanIGetaHellYeah 2 points3 points ago

End user licensing agreements, particularly itunes.

[–]marcb0802 1 point2 points ago

I dont wait for the pizza rolls to cool. Thug life

[–]23saround 2 points3 points ago

"Please do not press the reset or power button while the device is saving"

My finger literally hovers over those buttons every time. I have never done it though...

[–]mixmasterteapot 1 point2 points ago

I stand on the very top rung of the ladder.

[–]sgtkuchen 2 points3 points ago

"Do not use Bengay as lubricant"

[–]Adonais 2 points3 points ago

Don't shit where you eat.

[–]abngeek 2 points3 points ago

Masturbation causes blindness.

[–]soileau86 0 points1 point ago

WARNING: smokeless tobacco may cause cancer. Trying to quit but it's a biatch.

[–]admiral_bulltraits 2 points3 points ago

SLOW DOWN, that flashes when I go 5mph over the speed limit

[–]the2belo 2 points3 points ago

"Too low, terrain! Too low, terrain! Whoop whoop pull up!"

[–]inpu 2 points3 points ago

"Do not take decongestant nasal spray for more than 2 weeks."

[–]Eigenwach 1 point2 points ago

Copyright notices.

[–]LoneRanger9 0 points1 point ago

Properly eject device before disconnecting. FUCK THE RULES

[–]Sandwich_Ninja 2 points3 points ago

Apparently people at my work like to ignore the "You exchange mailbox is full, please clear out some items or you will be unable to send emails"

[–][deleted] ago*

[deleted]

[–]bkbeezy 2 points3 points ago

What's this "no right turn on red" shit?

[–]falconmunch 2 points3 points ago

Some intersections (usually particularly busy ones) have signs indicating that you're not allowed to make a right turn when the light is red. At least here in the U.S. they do.

[–]Omniabsence 3 points4 points ago

Static damage on computer components.

[–]antraxx 3 points4 points ago

Smoking kills