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[–]DandyTheLion 952 points953 points ago

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Here comes the king of bullshit:

A girl asked a boy if she was pretty. He said no. She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever. He said no. She then asked him if he would cry if she walked away. He again said no. She had heard too much. She needed to leave. As she walked away, he grabbed her arm and told her to stay, he said, "You're not pretty, you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever. I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."

I see this one on my facebook every once in a while and it irritates me to no end.

[–]time_traveller_ 1207 points1208 points ago

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I ment 2 sey i will luv u FIVE-ever...

[–][deleted] 1010 points1011 points ago

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lik dis if u cry evry time...

[–]PoisonMind 1570 points1571 points ago

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I once found a piece of paper in my college cafeteria that said "Tolerance is the highest form of love." I showed it to my girlfriend and said "I tolerate you."

[–]TigerTail 716 points717 points ago

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I think they had it backwards, it should've read: Love is the highest form of tolerance.

[–]procrastimaster 42 points43 points ago

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props to you, that's some philisophical shit right there.

[–]ravenouscraving 660 points661 points ago

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I hope she thought it was amusing as I did.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]meccarecca 441 points442 points ago

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Look I've already forgotten ALL about the trail of dead bodies i left in colorado last year, so I don't understand why these cops keep looking for me....

[–]shmishshmorshin 1032 points1033 points ago

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"'Iloveyou' is better than 'I love you' because there's no space for lies". Fuck my life.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]sunsetdrive 174 points175 points ago

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LYKK OMG!!!!1 PUTTING THAT IN MY WEDDIN VOWS <33333 Sweet baby jesus...that's just awful.

[–]ActionKermit 599 points600 points ago

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Without a doubt it's this one:

A girl finds out she has ovarian cancer, and can't find a donor. She tells her boyfriend but he doesn't even look up from the TV. The girl finally gets a donor and after the surgery asks her mum "Who donated the ovaries?" That girl visits her boyfriends grave everyday.

[–]carleslireis 222 points223 points ago

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I think someone must have started that as a way to mark, like medical dye, vapid and idiotic people on the internet. It works.

[–]meccarecca 277 points278 points ago

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Wait.... What??? that... WHAT?

[–]ravenouscraving 167 points168 points ago

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It's really sad that the boyfriend committed suicide when she was so close to getting a donor!

In other words: Don't top yourself when the going gets rough?

[–]pyromantic91 62 points63 points ago

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This was created to make of fun of a similar "lyk dis if u cry evrytym" story that was basically the same, but the girl needed a heart transplant. The boyfriend gave his heart, and this is implying that the boy donated his ovaries. After seeing the original countless times, I laughed my ass off after reading this and then doing a double take. This was not intended to be serious.

[–]TreLeans 313 points314 points ago

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I think we can just skip ahead and say every single senior quote in my High School Year book.

[–]LunchHooks 1046 points1047 points ago

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Anyone who says something to the effect of "living life to its fullest". Especially when I know they pretty much live their life to the mediumest at best.

[–]RetraRoyale 293 points294 points ago

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People who say this are really kind of admitting that they aren't who they want to be, but they are willing to imagine that if they were who they wanted to be, they would say these kinds of things.

It's sad because the more lucid ones among us recognize that the person they wish they were would never say something that bland.

[–]ghiiirocker1 662 points663 points ago

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"Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'? Tie my shoes. Cant stand me? Then sit down. Cant face me? Turn around." if i hear that phrase one more time a lot of people are going to die ಠ_ಠ

[–]zoomshoes 636 points637 points ago

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"I'm a piece of shit and I'm too stubborn to change. Deal with it."

[–]MaPh 720 points721 points ago*

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"S(he) be(lie)ve(d)." At least it's a nice big red flag not to talk to them anymore. edit: Made it grammatically correct.

[–]conme 577 points578 points ago

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Any quotes that imply men and women are easily categorized and completely black & white in terms of behavior bugs the fuck out of me. Not all women are naive little innocents. Not all men are selfish prickish assholes.

[–]FuriousNipples 709 points710 points ago

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"S(he's) br(ok)en."

[–]Kisses_McMurderTits 580 points581 points ago

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"S(he) defec(ated)"

[–]Neon_Monkey3 1419 points1420 points ago

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Here's one I've heard:

"Love is like a butterfly. Let it go, and if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be".

...What?

[–]BlazeOrangeDeer 2194 points2195 points ago

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Butterfly wings added to inventory

[–]Twyll 630 points631 points ago

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Then use it to craft a poison and stab the bitch who was spewing glurgey quotes at you!

[–]mesosorry 80 points81 points ago

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So is that what they do? (I love how in every thread I go to there's some little tip for the next time I play Skyrim)

[–]DangerChips 43 points44 points ago

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I think I'm going to slaughter more butterflies next time I play... My trusty war axe will be imbued with the deadly venom of... THE MONARCH!

[–]skooma714 387 points388 points ago

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And then squish the butterfly because EW! What a creep, following me around.

[–][deleted] 384 points385 points ago

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DAMN YOU CHAOS BUTTERFLY

[–]thyyoungclub 864 points865 points ago

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All the quotes preteen girls write on facebook about "being a woman".

"GIRLS are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected. GUYS are like buses. If you miss that one, another will be along soon."

shit like that

[–]sweezyonyourbeats 1209 points1210 points ago

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Girls are like cellphones, they have a 2 year contract and by the end you wondered why you ever wanted that phone in the first place.

[–]HeroicFailure 1004 points1005 points ago

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cough Pay-as-you-go cough

[–]MrPeppa 82 points83 points ago

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and the service drops when you need it the most

[–]HadACigar 622 points623 points ago

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Guys are like buses, I hope one hits you.

[–]pgibso 216 points217 points ago

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"Being in love means never having to say you're sorry.". Eh what?

[–]jrrowe 642 points643 points ago*

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I hate these things: "R.I.P the 31 Troops who were killed in a helicopter crash today in Afghanistan. I bet no one cares. Repost & Like if you do."

Don't try to guilt me in to participating in your fucking chain-letter.

[–]ravenouscraving 155 points156 points ago

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I usually reply with, "Actually, I DO care. My level of care is not increased or diminished by reposting this tripe, and to say, 'I bet no one cares,' is just horrible and disrespectful."

[–]thyyoungclub 25 points26 points ago

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Or the ones where that little boy will get a heart transplant if the picture gets 100 likes. Honestly, if they had a heart to give him, they'd give it to him.

[–]rekrap 1017 points1018 points ago

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The worst I've seen is: "Living Life 100 Proof!"

BITCH! Proof goes to 200. You're living life at 50%? light-weight.

[–]toolatealreadyfapped 368 points369 points ago

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doesn't that just mean "live drunk?"

[–]EmperorSofa 41 points42 points ago

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I had no idea my tequila was more potent than life itself.

[–]amlight 484 points485 points ago

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Someone had the audacity to say to my terminally ill mother "This too shall pass".... WHAT?!

[–]MissusLovett 432 points433 points ago

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That's ridiculous.

It'd be kind of funny if it was said to someone with kidney stones though.

[–]societyghosts 62 points63 points ago

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Found a terribly tacky website for 14 year old girls. Can't stop the terrible quotes.

don't ever call a girl fat; 'coz you don't know how far she'll go to prove you wrong.

Every girl has an Edward and a Jacob, she just doesn't know it yet.

When you make a guy laugh it's like, Scooooooooooooooooore! ♡

S[he's] Br[ok]en instead of saying goodbye you should have said, "brb" cause you will be back, in my dreams. <3

I weep for the future.

[–]SWEGEN4LYFE 1313 points1314 points ago

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But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

[–]fearofthesky 300 points301 points ago

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Bob Dole don't need this.

[–]lovebludgeon 731 points732 points ago

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Abortions for everyone!

[–]SWEGEN4LYFE 259 points260 points ago

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BOOOOOO!

[–]lovebludgeon 279 points280 points ago

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Very well, no abortions for anyone.
(first quote slightly wrong, where's correct simpsons quote guy when you need him?)

[–]Lt_Leadfoot 227 points228 points ago

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BOOOOOO!

[–]eak125 475 points476 points ago

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Very well. abortions for some, small American flags for others!

[–]Frix 249 points250 points ago

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YEAAAAAAH!!

[–]LuxNocte 208 points209 points ago*

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This is a perfectly cromulent political opinion.

[–]perfectly_cr0mulent 280 points281 points ago

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I missed my chance.

[–]jaded_fable 1404 points1405 points ago*

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"Art Is Love" - Shut the fuck up. Art covers the entire range of emotions- including hate.

[–]Jeff505 1548 points1549 points ago

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especially hate

[–]warmandfuzzy 1094 points1095 points ago

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Fuck you, you cocksucker. I hate you.

[–]IronPigeon 1515 points1516 points ago

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Thank you for your art

[–]firepelt 1062 points1063 points ago

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One art, please.

[–]they_call_me_dewey 383 points384 points ago

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Cock sucker.

That'll be $3500.

[–]olafcore 148 points149 points ago

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they_call_you_faggot_behind_your_back

that'll be $3501, bob

[–]OhSoSavvy 580 points581 points ago

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That was so post-modern.

[–]radula 67 points68 points ago

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[–]lift_or_die 1034 points1035 points ago

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"Only God can judge me"

If you use this quote, I will judge the shit out of you.

[–]eliaollie 103 points104 points ago

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People never seem to want to compare the two, as if me judging them is so bad.

My judgement of you is usually smug remarks in my head.

God's judgement of you could mean eternity in Hell. Wouldn't you rather me judge you?

[–]StillwaterPerkins 292 points293 points ago

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Or, you know, a court of law. God doesn't send enough people to prison.

[–]JessieAppleseed 960 points961 points ago

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"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. ♥"

So false.

[–]lindseymarieee 376 points377 points ago

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Oh god.... Sentient apples.

[–]jerry_the_penetrator 982 points983 points ago

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I hated this one so much I want to downvote you for posting it.

[–]wickeand000 45 points46 points ago

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I have this problem while reading /r/worstof

[–][deleted] 408 points409 points ago

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:| my freshman year roommate loved this quote. She had never dated before. She thought I was a rotten apple because I had kissed 8 boys by the time I was 19.

[–]TheOmnipotentPilot 403 points404 points ago

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Amish slut. I bet you show your ankles in public, too.

[–]Doctor_Beard 105 points106 points ago

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That is offensive on several levels.

[–]jaggy_roundy 534 points535 points ago

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I've seen this as a tattoo on a few girls:

"Laugh as much as you breathe"

Although you might end up with ripped abs, you would also suffer insomnia, be disregarded as a nutcase, and ultimately become terribly depressed, which would completely go against the 'meaning' of the quote. This shit is just poorly thought out.

[–]I_LACK_FINESSE[S] 336 points337 points ago

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A tattoo? Ah, that's just... ah.

[–]katffro 909 points910 points ago

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"Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at stupid jokes. Cry. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell a jerk what you think. Laugh till your stomach hurts. Regret nothing."
Someone like that sounds really fucking annoying. Also, spending all of your money? What kind of idiot move is that?

[–]Love_Bulletz 997 points998 points ago

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I hate it when people use the word "random" to describe a person.

[–]Aint_got_no_agua 978 points979 points ago

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Every teenage girl thinks she's being random when she's actually just being stupid. This is an old copypasta from 4chan but I think it's actually a pretty accurate recreation of the shit my sister and her friends used to say when they were like 14.

"hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol...as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _... im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol...neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!

DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again ^_^ hehe...toodles!!!!! 

love and waffles, *~t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m~* "

[–]HideousInfant 843 points844 points ago

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this copypasta is one of the few things that has ever made me feel inclined to punch my computer screen. Every time I've seen it too. I'm not holding up well.

[–]irrationalNumber 625 points626 points ago

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I'm not holding up well.

Are you holding up a spork?

[–]HideousInfant 837 points838 points ago

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hnngh

[–]DuckMySick 430 points431 points ago

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TIL what an apoplexy sounds like over the internet.

[–]specialk16 398 points399 points ago

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This might make you feel better:

Greetings, everyone. I am new. (One second - let me get this spork out of the way.) My name is Katy, but you can call me the Penguin of Doom. (I'm laughing aloud.) As you can plainly see, my actions have no pattern whatsoever. That is why I have come here. To meet similarly patternless individuals, such as myself.

I am 13 - mature for my age, however! - and I enjoy watching Invader Zim with my girlfriend. (I am bisexual. Please approach this subject maturely.) It is our favorite television show, as it adequately displays stochastic manners of behavior such as we possess.

She behaves without order - of course - but I wish to meet more individuals of her and my kind. As the saying goes, "the more, the merrier." Ah, it is to laugh. Anyway, I hope to make many friends here, so please comment freely.

Doom! That is simply one of many examples of my random actions. Ha, ha. Fare thee well. I wish you much love and waffles.

Yours,

The Penguin of Doom.

[–]WtfWhereAreMyClothes 26 points27 points ago

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I completely lost my shit at "stochastic patterns of behavior." Bravo!

[–]hardcoreflautist 610 points611 points ago

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I was voted "most random" of my graduating class. Fuck you, class of 2010. Funny does not equal random.

[–]BoldElDavo 281 points282 points ago

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Maybe you weren't funny other than in a high school way ("random").

[–]royalewithche 290 points291 points ago

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[–]SideburnsGalore 217 points218 points ago

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my thoughts on before i clicked on this please be Jam'ie, please be Jam'ie, PLEASE BE JAM'IE...

YESYESYESYESYESYES

[–]provides_apparatus 1164 points1165 points ago

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"Full speed ahead, and fuck the icebergs" - Captain of Titanic.

[–]Gradual_KKK_Member 760 points761 points ago

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"That guy on the crow's nest is probably fucking with me" - Captain of the Titanic

[–]FuriousNipples 1689 points1690 points ago

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"You called me a bitch. Bitches are dogs. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. (: so yeah... thanks for the compliment. (:"

[–]PunkRockMakesMeSmile 1222 points1223 points ago

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Bitches occur in nature. I'm a pterodactyl.

[–]folkTheory 865 points866 points ago

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my brain is bleeding

[–]quincebolis 1899 points1900 points ago

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You called me a bitch (: dogs poop (: i'm full of shit (:

[–]Ihsahn_ 554 points555 points ago

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Bahaa, the smileys make this. The worst thing is, this is probably better logic than the first.

[–]sweezyonyourbeats 30 points31 points ago

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so... many... fallacies ...

[–]sscrofulous 857 points858 points ago

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That shit about "dance like no one is watching, love like whatever whatever..."

[–]JS_Levan 983 points984 points ago

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"Dance like you've never been loved, hurt like no one is watching."

[–]BeautifulPlumage 1439 points1440 points ago

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"Dance like you've been hurt, work like nobody's watching, love like you need the money"

[–]DonPeriOn 291 points292 points ago

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I've just found my new facebook status

[–][deleted] 593 points594 points ago

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Sounds like a prostitute's motto.

[–]Lavernius_Tucker 244 points245 points ago

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Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, work when other people are watching.

[–]roshpit 625 points626 points ago

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Anything from The Secret. I forced myself to get through the whole book after hearing so many people praise it, and by the end I wanted to fucking rip my eyes out and mourn for humanity. The whole book is full of meaningless pseudo-scientific bullshit that just absolves people of responsibility and promotes laziness, whilst hiding under the guise of being an 'inspirational read'.

[–]ultimatekiwi 602 points603 points ago

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[–]crayolaface 99 points100 points ago

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9,670 of 10,098 people found the following review helpful

[–]mcgroobber 67 points68 points ago

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Quote of the day: "Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic"

[–]fearofthesky 306 points307 points ago

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Australian comedy/satire team The Chaser did this amazing sketch regarding The Secret.. Still one of my favourite non-musical bits they have done.

[–]4computer_says_no 27 points28 points ago

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Couldn't agree more. I checked this book just for laughs, and damn, I got many.

[–]danheinz 2210 points2211 points ago

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let me go to my friend's sister's profile...

"friends are like a good bra. Supportive, hard to find and always close to your heart."

I replied "and easy for me to get off with one hand."

[–]I_LACK_FINESSE[S] 1650 points1651 points ago

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Five stars

Would offend again.

[–]Pyro627 610 points611 points ago

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Wow, that has three meanings.

[–]Mycareer 1247 points1248 points ago

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"Here's to the times we'll never remember with the people we'll never forget." -every sorority girl's Facebook

[–]sighing_sage 1260 points1261 points ago

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"Here's to all the shit we didn't even learn while we were accumulating tens of thousands of dollars in student debt. PARTY IN THE USA"

[–]NewScotlandBlues 1194 points1195 points ago

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and a jay-z song was on

[–]aardventurer 148 points149 points ago

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My student debt goes up!

[–]DeWallen 189 points190 points ago

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"Music is the soundtrack of your life." Yes, it is, and it is also the soundtrack of everything that has a soundtrack. I don't get it. It's like saying that food is the nourishment of the body.

[–]violentlyshy 509 points510 points ago*

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http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsbk0efZ7o1qbpwzeo1_500.jpg

"No girl believes she is beautiful, until a guy comes along and makes her feel like she is."

it's SUCH bullshit. it's telling girls that they are not worth anything until they are validated by a guy. it's telling girls that they NEED validation in the first place. it pissed me off so badly when i saw it. i see it all over girls' tumblrs.

[–]redditmakesmesmart 436 points437 points ago

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"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away."

--from the movie HITCH.

[–]danwroy 253 points254 points ago

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I downvoted this one before I remembered the purpose of this thread and upvoted it, that's how bad it is

[–]JXiaty 1387 points1388 points ago*

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"Live every day like it's your last" If you did that, every day probably would be your last.

[–]twelveoaks 1097 points1098 points ago

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Translation: don't plan for the future. Spend all your money, eat as much as you can, and be generally irresponsible.

[–]CockCuntPussyPenis 386 points387 points ago

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Seriously. If I knew that today was my last day alive I would probably die before my time was up.

[–]memorex1150 206 points207 points ago

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"Live each day as if it were your last....and one of these days, you'll be right."

[–]warmandfuzzy 171 points172 points ago

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I'd blow every penny of my savings today.

Fuck next month's mortgage payment. Fuck tomorrow's lunch, too, I guess.

[–]Ifunctiononkitkats 1043 points1044 points ago

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That awful "shoot for the moon, if you don't makes it you'll land amongst the stars. Bleh.

[–]MaximusLeonis 1350 points1351 points ago*

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"Shoot for the moon, if you miss you'll end up in the cold silence of space slowly dying" has a nice ring to it.

[–]Alpine_Stranger 375 points376 points ago

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There's also the chance of plummeting back to Earth. That would be a quick, burning death.

[–]Zeihous 314 points315 points ago

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Or getting vaporized by passing extraterrestrials on the hunt for people with stupid inspirational quotes.

[–]E-Step 198 points199 points ago

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Major Tom?

[–]Doomsayer189 398 points399 points ago

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Shoot for the moon, but if you fail you'll have 25 points and the other players will laugh at you.

[–]jfadsiojfd 1562 points1563 points ago

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Whoever coined that doesn't know shit about astronomy.

[–]Alpine_Stranger 397 points398 points ago

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Maybe you're above the escape velocity of the solar system. You'll get to a star eventually, since your orbit in the galaxy will decay.

[–]harbles 229 points230 points ago

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God, the one that gets me at the moment is "don't tell me the sky is the limit when there's footprints on the moon." fuck off.

[–][deleted] 1083 points1084 points ago

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Live laugh love <3

[–]bootys 372 points373 points ago

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This one is the worst for me, and for some reason all the girls I know, including family, love this one. Makes me want to throw my computer when I read it.

[–][deleted] 498 points499 points ago

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It makes me want to do the opposite. death cry hate.

[–]GoofyBoy 260 points261 points ago

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"Die, Distress, Despise"?

[–][deleted] 318 points319 points ago

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should be "die cry hate"

[–]questionslp 366 points367 points ago

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Many go through life, some see the colors.

FUCK YOU I'M COLOR BLIND!

[–]carlythesniper 1814 points1815 points ago

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That stupid Marilyn Monroe quote that every Annoying Facebook Girl uses as a way to justify being a huge bitch.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," or whatever. If your "worst" is just how you ALWAYS ACT, no one's going to put up with it.

[–]dianaprince 412 points413 points ago

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A friend of mine posted about this a while ago on her Facebook status. I can't remember the exact words, but she said something along the lines of "I'm secure and in control of my life. I make mistakes, but fix them again and I don't need to be "handled". But if you'd rather have Marilyn, then you sure as hell don't deserve me".

[–]strider_sifurowuh 69 points70 points ago

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Modeling yourself after Marylin Monroe in general is a terrible idea, aside from bonking JFK

[–]banal_penetration 1271 points1272 points ago

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I love that quote. It's a great big red flag which crazy girls willingly hoist.

It's TC;DF (too crazy, don't fuck) incarnate.

[–]MustStopMasturbating 801 points802 points ago

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But I will add that I'll still masturbate and think of you, and there is nothing at all you can do to stop me.

[–]mooprankster 769 points770 points ago

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"Go fuck someone else, I'll jerk off to you later, and probably have a better time."

-Louis CK

[–]Plexicraft 383 points384 points ago

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Everything Yoko Ono tweets. Seriously, go to twitter now and look her up. It pretty much was made for this thread.

[–]zoomzoomz 652 points653 points ago

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I have to admit, I thought Yoko Ono was dead.

[–]analogkid01 490 points491 points ago*

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"If that guy had just aimed a little to the left, he would've been a hero." - Judy Tenuta

[–]ssjumper 130 points131 points ago

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Why would you not add a link ?

[–]bast902 118 points119 points ago

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"If any of the streets need cleaning in your hometown, clean them in your mind."

Fucking tweet after tweet asking you to solve your hometown's problems with your mind. This woman is INSANE.

"Quietly tell your best friends about the problems of your hometown, and ask them to solve them in their minds."

...wut?

"Put up some nice photos of your hometown in your room. Write a diary about your hometown."

I don't get why this woman is still famous enough for over a million followers.

[–]Vectomon 127 points128 points ago

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Shut up Yoko my hometown sucks

[–]danielmartin25 234 points235 points ago

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That's because you haven't been cleaning it with your mind.

[–]Vectomon 242 points243 points ago

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If I could clean it with my mind, I wouldn't be in my hometown, I'd be in Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters

[–]umbapumba 85 points86 points ago

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Carry a stone.

Go on carrying heavier stones until they become so heavy that the whole city starts to look lighter than what you are carrying.

The city is always lighter than what you are carrying.

Wow.

[–]Manhattan0532 466 points467 points ago

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[–]chileconcarne 108 points109 points ago

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You'll always know more in the future than you know now.” ― Taylor Swift.

What the fuck.

[–]donttrustwhatisay 96 points97 points ago

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"Food is for eating." - Taylor Swift.

[–]TheStaggeringGenius 107 points108 points ago

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"Real eyes realize real lies." This makes blood shoot out of my ears.

[–]willworkforicecream 619 points620 points ago

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Eagles may soar, but chickens don't get sucked into jet engines.

[–]cookupastorm 278 points279 points ago

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it's weasels. Chickens are slaughtered by the millions annually.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]willworkforicecream 92 points93 points ago

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I do too. I guess I skipped everything in the question besides pseudo-inspirational. Sorry.

[–]noughtagroos 1119 points1120 points ago

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"Everything happens for a reason."

True, I suppose: The reason I beat you into a pulp is that you said this while trying to comfort/preach to/scold/congratulate me and couldn't think of anything more meaningful to say than this.

The worst is when people say this to comfort someone who has suffered a loss. Don't tell someone their loved one's brains are splattered on the freeway "for a reason" or as part of some "plan." Because if they are, someone's gonna pay.

[–]iamjackscolonAMA 756 points757 points ago

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"Everything happens-"

"DON'T say 'for a reason.'"

"I was just saying that... everything happens."

[–]mellistu[!] 144 points145 points ago

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Not to me.

[–]Indeedee 58 points59 points ago

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Here's the story, of a girl...

[–]mellistu[!] 50 points51 points ago

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Who grew up lost and lonely...

[–]ArchVangarde 48 points49 points ago

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Thinking love was fairy tale...

[–]saywhatyeah 37 points38 points ago

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And trouble was made only for me...

[–]LtOin 75 points76 points ago

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Bad horse, bad horse! Bad horse, he's bad!

[–]greywulfe 47 points48 points ago

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He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin...

[–]NinjaInYellow 33 points34 points ago

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I meant Gandhi.

[–]L4RiVi3R3 29 points30 points ago

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He got the application that you just sent in!

[–]WolfMaster5000 28 points29 points ago

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if you hadn't accidentally killed your not-actually-a-girlfriend, you would have never reached your ultimate goal of the E.L.E! So it all worked out in the end

[–]A_Cylon_Raider 29 points30 points ago

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"And I won't feel... a thing."

[–]DockEllis 261 points262 points ago

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This quote has always annoyed the shit out of me because people use it to invoke evidence of some master design. When an unfortunate event happens (ex: your dog dies) someone will inevitably comfort you by saying "Everything happens for a reason," as if to suggest that at some point in the future it will there will be some type of validation for the event taking place (your dog dies>you spend more time at the bar>you meet your future wife). In other words, it was the effect that somehow forced the cause into existence.

As someone with a fairly deterministic view of the world, I always to tend to correct this quote with "Everything happens because of a reason." This puts the onus back on the events that have led up to another event. Your dog died? Well of course, there could have been no other end result based on all of the events that came before it.

Everything happens because of a reason.

[–]Quenadian 86 points87 points ago

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Everything happens for a reason. Yes, this is called causality..

[–]noughtagroos 56 points57 points ago

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That's the point: it's so fucking obvious.

Also, people who say this are usually trying to imply something profound is at work... but what they are really suggesting is that the universe conspired against your loved one.

[–]gypsyblue 384 points385 points ago

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Yeah, I really loved hearing that "everything happens for a reason" from my friends and relatives while I was getting kicked out of my house, scammed by my landlord, and lost my job. Hearing that over and over again while my life was in the shitter really cheered me up.

[–]Hello_Schroddy 258 points259 points ago

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Everyone told me this when my cousin was shot and killed in a school shooting.

I went to a catholic middle school, and apparently this was "God's plan", and he "did it for a reason".

Oh thanks, that makes it so much easier knowing that it wasn't some psycho human who killed her, it was a psycho being who can do whatever he wants!

[–]pavel_lishin 121 points122 points ago

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"Did you seriously just tell me that god murdered my cousin, and that makes it ok?"

[–]noughtagroos 67 points68 points ago

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I'm sorry for your loss.... that's horrible.

I don't know that I would have been able to keep myself from exploding around people who said that.

[–]Jmsnwbrd 639 points640 points ago

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"There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation." Demetri Martin

[–]cr101 80 points81 points ago

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But what if you're trapped in a glass house? Then you can throw a stone. So really the quote should say "Only those who live in glass houses should throw stones, provided that they are trapped."

[–]pootertime 86 points87 points ago

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Stupid "I'm a girl so I'm stupid, but love me anyway!" quotes. Like this:

"I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it."

"She knows nothing at all about life...but everything about living!"

"You're only as strong as the cocktails you drink, the tables you dance on, and the friends you hold on to."

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world."

And froufrou bullshit like:

"Let your let shine!"

"Trust your journey!"

"Wherever you go--no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine"

[–]Luc20 29 points30 points ago

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I hate it when couples post stuff like 'You're my Romeo!' 'and you're my Juliet!' Good now go kill yourselves.

[–]adsr 588 points589 points ago

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"Life is like photography – we use the negatives to develop" It makes me want to push her into oncoming traffic.

[–]MiniRipperton 596 points597 points ago

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That makes no fucking sense. You use developer to develop.

[–]Walking_Punchline 323 points324 points ago

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Now to bathe myself in developer.

[–]emddudley 85 points86 points ago

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Developers, developers, developers, developers!

[–]snikerpnai 1169 points1170 points ago

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"You can't trust most quotes found on the internet"

-Abraham Lincoln

[–]papalkombat 794 points795 points ago

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"This guy seems legit."

-Oscar Wilde

[–]SS1989 287 points288 points ago

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"Good things happen to good people".

What a bunch of bullshit.

[–]Aint_got_no_agua 735 points736 points ago*

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That crap about "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." What's the point of this one? Who's out there measuring life in breaths? "Ain't_got_no_agua passed away today at the age of 87,458 breaths. He is survived by a low karma and a pretty decent bluray collection."

Edit: I think this also means Asthmatics live the best of all possible lives.

[–]Dascandy 25 points26 points ago

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87,458 breaths.

low karma and a pretty decent bluray collection.

87k breaths (average of 12/min or .2 per second) is about 5 days. So your newborn has a decent bluray collection?

[–]Arphahat 242 points243 points ago

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" We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. " This one is great when used by political extremists justifying their position. Sorry, no, moderation is sometimes necessary.

My favorite self-created saying is: "Living your life according to a catchy or clever sounding phrase is probably a bad idea."