What is your best clean joke?

GauntletWizard · 8 months

This is an old one, and not mine; I think it's won a few awards.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."

TheHuck · 8 months

All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces "we're just waiting for the pilots.". The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

PhilbertMcFilibuster · 8 months

I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it is actually full of stuff.

I don't make jokes. I heard Stephen Colbert tell this joke on tv.

mahuika · 8 months

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a beer please." and the second one says, "I'll have half of what he's having." The third one says, "I'll have a fourth of a beer." The fourth one says, "I'll have an eighth of a beer." The bartender says, "Oh, screw you all" and pulls out two beers.

gynonc · 8 months

I've got a knock-knock joke for you, but you have to start it.

oinkyboinky · 8 months

What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

emmapop · 8 months

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

seanykizzle · 8 months

a red ship crashed into a blue ship

THE CREW WERE MAROONED

armousse · 8 months

I once met a hooker who said "I'll do anything for 50 dollars". I said "Paint my house".

SupermanV2 · 8 months

Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

floppymoppleson · 8 months

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says "Let's go in there for a pint." Second guy, says, "They won't let us in with our dogs." First guy: "Sure they will, just follow my lead."

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, "I can't let you in here with that dog." He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The doorman says, "Ok then, come on in."

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, "You can't come in here with a dog." He replies, "I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The doorman responds, "You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?" The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, "They gave me a chihuahua?"

benstrider · 8 months

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow asks the other, "What do you think about mad cow disease?" The second one says, "What do I care? I'm a squirrel."

shine_on · 8 months

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

thiefofjoy · 8 months

Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

A: "Make me one with everything."

mellovino · 8 months

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks up, somewhat bewildered, and says "You have a drink named Steve?"

jolieRules · 8 months

Here is my mother's favorite joke (she loves westerns):

A three-legged dog walks into town and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

djturnbloom · 8 months

What is the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

So, you're the one.

VapidStatementsAhead · 8 months

Why aren't jokes in base 8 funny?

Because 7 10 11!

westgate420 · 8 months

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day... couldn't find any

Clippy1 · 8 months

who is the roundest knight at king arthurs table?

Sir Cumfrence

[deleted] · 8 months

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

wateristasty · 8 months

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

~~lol.~~

Edit for the haters: LOL! I'M LAUGHING AT MY OWN JOKE. ON THE INTERNET.

ieatchips · 8 months

Which side of a gorilla is the hairiest? The outside

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

Not sure why all my jokes involve gorillas, but there you go.

MAJORPOOPY · 8 months

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up 2 hours later.

Bill_Haydon · 8 months

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

vnprc · 8 months

A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.

The priest stops him at the door and says "I'm sorry, you can't participate in our service today."

The higgs-boson particle says "What?! You can't have mass without me!"

ShiftyBizniss · 8 months

A guy shows up to a costume party with a girl on his back. The host says "this is a costume party, what the hell is this?" he says "I'm a snail" host says "what do you mean? that's a girl on your back" he says "Yeah, that's Michelle"

FLYBOY611 · 8 months

A vulture is walking down the jetway with two dead badgers, one under each wing. The stewardess stops him and says:

"I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."

rothgo · 8 months

What happened to the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

McShizzL · 8 months

What do gay horses eat?

Haayyyyyyyyy

luckxurious · 8 months

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he dropped him off for school?

Bison.

billiarddaddy · 8 months

Got this one from my daughter:

What lives in the kitchen and drinks your blood?

Spatula!

Nico17 · 8 months

Two whales walk into a bar.

The first whale says to the other, "WOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

The second whale says, "Shut up Steve, you're drunk."

Nico17 · 8 months

Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.

Vcookie · 8 months

Why does a chicken coop always have 2 doors?

because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!

wan wan waaaaaaaahnnn

swamy_g · 8 months

Q: What's the difference between an outlaw and an inlaw?

A: Outlaws are wanted.

funny-chubby-awesome · 8 months

There were these two little boys in a small town that were absolute hellions. Anytime there was any trouble or shinanigan, these two were sure to blame. Their poor mama was at her wit's end and some townfolk suggested she take them to a local preacher that was known for scaring boys 'straight'. He agreed to talk to the boys but wanted to do so one at a time, the younger first.

The boy sits down at a chair across the the preacher's desk. He was a big and imposing man, and he stared the boy down and then asked, "Do you know where God is?".

The boy's eyes got bigger but he remained quiet.

The preacher asked again, in his booming voice, "SON, DO YOU KNOW WHERE GOD IS?"

The boy jumps out of his chair and runs all the way home. He runs upstairs, to his room, and shuts himself in his closet. He brother hears the commotion and goes to questions him about the visit. The little boy is shaking, near tears. The big brother says "What on earth happened?"

"It's bad this time." The little brother cries. "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

lousy_at_handles · 8 months

Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?

A: Nothing - you can't cross a scalar and a vector.

lazeyasian · 8 months

What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.

ApolloHelix · 8 months

3 men walk into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds into a tedious inevitability. - Bill Bailey

NightEmber79 · 8 months

What's the difference between an onion and an oboe?

Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

(Thanks, Jazz Band Camp 1995)

greenet · 8 months

What do Winnie the pooh and Kermit the frog have in common?

The same middle name.

Nico17 · 8 months

Duck walks into a bar.

Duck says: do you have bread?

Bartender: no

Duck: do you have any bread?

Bartender: no

Duck: do you have any bread?

Bartender: NO AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME I WILL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THIS TABLE!

Duck:Do you have a nail?

Bartender: No

Duck: Do you have any bread?

Corpsman223 · 8 months

My 4 Y/O daughters joke.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they fly over the bay, they would be baygulls.

begentlewithme · 8 months

Why are these hilarious when I read it online but when I tell it in person, I get awkward silence? :(

MsMollyMae · 8 months

Did you hear about that new restaurant in space?

The food is really good, but there's no atmosphere.

Deformed_Crab · 8 months

What is green and hurts when you get it into your eye? A billiard table.

frenetickitten · 8 months

Woman goes to a doctor's office. He asks her what her problem is. Woman: I think I'm a moth. Doc: Why come here? There's a psychiatrist just down the hall from me. Woman: Your light was on.

mhsnhspres · 8 months

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Actually, it's to whom.

mileylols · 8 months

Don't spend $5 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, and hang it up. Buy it back the next morning for $1

... man, jokes about cleaning suck

boogieboogie · 8 months

What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.

DrunkInTheTrunk · 8 months

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.

anorexia_is_PHAT · 8 months

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

JackWagon · 8 months

Why does the Mafia hate Jehovah's Witnesses?

The Mafia doesn't like any witnesses.

wonko11 · 8 months

One day Tom was watching tv when there was a knock on the door, he opened the door but there was no one there, just a snail by his doorstep. He picked up the snail and threw it away. 3 years later Tom was once again watching tv when there was a knock on his door, he opened the door and once again there was no one there but a snail on his doorstep. He looked at the snail and it said "What the hell was that about?!"

crlarkin · 8 months

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his dinner before it was cool.

clanspanker · 8 months

Why was the little inkblot so unhappy?

Because his mother was in the pen and they didn't know how long the sentence would be.

markymark666 · 8 months

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

SexBobomb · 8 months

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.

[deleted] · 8 months

Figured this would be a good time to plug /r/jokes. Lots of text based jokes there.

tomparker · 8 months

I've asked you a million times to quit exaggerating.

eriad19 · 8 months

I was wondering why that frisbee was getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

crapidrawatwork · 8 months

Bear and Rabbit are pooping in the woods.

Bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit says "No?"

Bear wipes ass with rabbit.

pdmcmahon · 8 months

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

TheOneElectronic · 8 months

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

vivvav · 8 months

A man is out for a stroll one evening when he comes across a magic lamp. He rubs it, and out comes a bone-thin genie with a face full of wrinkles.
"Wow!" says the man. "You're a genie! And I found your lamp! That means I get three wishes!"
"No, no, no", the genie said. "I am a very old and very tired genie. I only have enough energy to grant one wish."
"Oh, um, ok then", said the man. He had to think carefully about what he needed. He thought about how he detested travel. "Wait! I've got it! I wish I had my own personal highway that took me wherever I wanted to go!"
"No, no, no", the genie said again. "That wish is too big. I am too old and too tired to grant such a big wish. Ask something smaller."
"I see", said the man. He thought about what else would be useful. "I wish I had the ability to understand women!" The genie's eyes widen, and he turns to the man.
"Two lanes or four?"

[deleted] · 8 months

...An Irishman walks out of a bar.

CrimsonSoul · 8 months

Didn't see this one here already.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A. No idea.

And the follow- up

Q. What do you call a deer with no eye's and no legs? A. Still no idea.

I'll get my coat...

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