Hey reddit, have you ever had a harmless joke go horribly wrong? I just did.

TheBozack · 1 year

Not me, my Father, but the story has taken on epic proportions in my family.

At a party, a little girl (daughter of a friend of the family) is sitting on the couch with her skirt poofed out all around her. My father walks up and jovially asks "Hey little girl! Where are your legs?" to which her mom replies "She doesn't have any." (congenital birth defect, you see).

Yeah. Um. Awkward.

Batduck · 1 year

I was at one of my friend's girlfriend's sorority sister's parties, so I know exactly two people. We were playing Apples to Apples, a party game involving words on cards. One of the cards was "Dinner", and it had the following joke printed on the bottom:

How does Batman's mother call him to dinner?

A: Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman!!!

The girl reads this out loud, and doesn't even get to the punchline before I interject, like a dutiful comic book nerd, "She doesn't. She's DEEEAAAAAD!"

The girl runs out of the room crying. Her mom had just died. The party was to cheer her up. Nobody told me. I wasn't invited to any more sorority parties.

nova20 · 1 year

My sister once wrote "don't die over summer" in someone's high-school yearbook. He didn't take the advice.

EDIT: I was in middle school at the time, but I believe the guy died in a car crash. Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that it was suicide.

jbibby · 1 year

My sister was sitting on the couch with a blanket over her head, it was one of those heavy-knitted ones with the big holes one could see through if they wanted.

To get her to move I picked up our cat and tossed it on her, assuming that the furry feline would simply land on her stomach and cause her to WTF? Didn't toss hard or far, almost literally directly beside her. Well my aim was off and the cat landed on the portion of the blanket where her face was, CLAWS OUT.

Big bloody claw marks all down her face. She screamed bloody murder. I told her the cat had been climbing along the back of the sofa and jumped down on his own.

TL;DR: I framed a cat.

Pyrofire14 · 1 year

At a Magic: The Gathering tournament my friend and I were trying to finish up his deck before the event kicked off, but he was wasting time and offering poor candidates for the last few slots. So I said to him:

"The only use this card might have is if you reach across the table and poke your opponent's eye out."

At that very moment a judge walked by who only had one eye. He stopped, turned to our table, and said:

"I hear that's a bad thing"

somuchblood · 1 year

While being interviewed by a female engineer, she asked about other hobbies/physical activity when I said, "I haven't had much time to exercise as much as I'd like. They say engineering makes you fat, as I'm sure you know. Wait, er... because you're an engineer, not because you're fat. You're not fat."

Needless to say, it was a bit awkward.

mattxb · 1 year

I was in a stall in a bar bathroom and my friend was at the urinal. In my drunken state I saw a plunger and thought it would be funny to wave it around like a sword. So when he turned around from the urinal I made a quick Zorro pattern in the air with the plunger and said "Touche" at which time some toilet water that had been hiding in it flew out and drew a line across his shirt. It was pretty bad.

Vitalstatistix · 1 year

Told this story before on Reddit, but I think it fits pretty well here.

I switched to a private school in my freshman year but still remained close with all my public school friends fortunately. One day we were all skiing together, plus one random kid who's name I knew (I'll call him Brandon here), but wasn't really sure why he was with us as he had never been friends with any of us before.

Nonetheless, when we went into the lodge to take a break, I figured I'd do my best to engage Brandon as he seemed kind of shy. Also, you should know my group was the type that would make fun of each other a lot, and generally subscribed to anti-PC type jokes- pretty typical teenage stuff.

So, we all sit down at a table and start peeling off layers of hats, gloves, and goggles. I look over across the table at Brandon and see that his neck has all these funny marks on it, so I jokingly said, "Hey Brandon, what'd you get those marks from?? You try and hang yourself or something??!"

Turns out, yes, in fact, he did try and fucking hang himself, just a few days earlier. No one said anything, there were just eight stunned faces staring at me, and I quickly knew.

everyme · 1 year

My little brother fell asleep next to me in the car and his mouth hung open. I thought it'd be funny to put an M&M in his mouth while he slept. ...When he awoke he started choking on it - thankfully he was able to cough it out, but that one got me to swear off of doing physical practical jokes.

Folseit · 1 year

At work, we had this chair that we called the "poop chair". Honestly, 100% not lying, a customer had an accident in the chair. They cleaned it, but the stain remained. Our boss, instead of just throwing it out and buying a new one, fixed the problem of having customers sit in a poop chair by putting it in the back offices, where employees had to use it

Anyway, the poop chair just became a joke. We would constantly switch it out to other employees, like a really weird game of tag. Someone would get up and get coffee, and when they'd come back, they'd come back to the poop chair.

Anyway, right after my friend left work one night, I gave her the poop chair and took her chair. But that night, she was in a car accident. She lingered in a coma. We left the poop chair at her desk, almost like a really sad way of hoping she would come back to enjoy her turn as "it". But she died, so the poop chair just stayed at her empty desk for months...

revonrat · 1 year

Not a joke but similar to some other replies.

I was in high school and ran into a girl I was trying to get with and her friend. The friend had a cold and was obviously not feeling well.

She said, "I feel like shit.". I reply, "You look like shit.", when what I meant to say was, "You look like you feel like shit."

No, I didn't get the girl.

str8_derpin · 1 year

I was suspended in middle school for calling a black kid 'my nigga'. He was not in fact my nigga.

ether_reddit · 1 year

I was on a date a few months ago and the girl was telling me about how she was engaged a few years ago and then they broke up. She said it "blew up in my face, literally." I jokingly asked, "What happened? Was he a suicide bomber?" She responded, "No, but he was killed by one." Apparently he was in the military and got deployed to Iraq a few weeks after they broke up and was killed in an attack.

cyclopath · 1 year

Rarely do I add my two cents to a post that already has 2000+ comments, but...

I was visiting from out of state and was invited to a Christmas party with a few college friends and many friends and coworkers of said college friends. So, it was a decent sized party of 30yr olds, a handful of which I was very comfortable with, the rest I didn't know at all. It was one of those parties where everyone's trying to be classy, wearing ties and heels and shit. But, you could also feel that there was a very real chance that the party was going to devolve into keg stands, unsolicited blowjobs and vomiting later in the evening.

One woman, a coworker of a teacher friend, was getting drunk and flailing around a bit, having a good time. I didn't know her, but she seemed like fun and we were joking back and forth. She knocked something over in her flailings for the second time in 5 minutes and I told her:

"You know, maybe you should wear a helmet."

The group laughed. She did not. She said:

"You know... I'm a special ed teacher and I have many students who have to wear helmets.

The group laughed even harder, both at the situation and at me... waiting for me to dig a deeper hole, which is OK. I'm used to sticking my foot in my mouth.

I felt bad. I apologized profusely and told her I didn't mean anything by it, that I just meant she was getting a little crazy and that there was nothing wrong with that.

But, she would have none of it. And, she was not only upset that I had told her she should wear a helmet, but she thought everyone was now laughing at her. She ranted for a while until I realized that this was going on way longer than necessary; that she was drunk and she was milking it quite a lot. In an effort to put an end to her tirade, I told her that I had already apologized and that she shouldn't let one stupid remark ruin her night. She said:

"I just don't like being told I need to wear a helmet",

to which I replied:

"You mean this has happened before?!"

The group lost it. The special ed teacher threw in the towel and left without a word. I basked in my shining moment of glory. I felt kind of bad, but then it's not every day one gets the opportunity to remove one's foot from one's mouth, turn it around and blast it up the ass of a drunken, invective special ed teacher.

edit: spelling

ll_shades · 1 year

A while ago, the best comeback anyone at my school had was 'you're adopted and your parents don't love you.'

The only time i ever used it, as a joke, because this kid was pissing me off, he ran off crying. Apparently he was adopted. Eugh.

The_Cacabarn · 1 year

I live in LA, and was driving around one night at 3am after some bars with my good friend from college, and a few of her friends. We were all drunk (except for the driver of course). We drove past the Church of Scientology, which has a huge flashing banner, and always seems to be shouting scientology dogma at you. As we were driving by, I read/shouted "DIANETICS!!!!"

After that the whole car got quiet, and I was too drunk to figure out why. The next day, my friend from college said "yeah, so by the way, they're all scientologists."

OOPS.

Needless to say, I stopped hanging out with that particular group of people (for more than one reason). LA is a weird place.

ataraxiary · 1 year

I had the misfortune of being pregnant when I was young(er) and dumb(er). When I found out, I worked the overnight shift in fast food. One morning, I was pondering my future existance as a mother, freaking out and generally being hormonal.

So I'm standing at the counter, talking to my then BF, wondering about what I would possibly do if my baby was "born retarded", how I would cope with something that terrible. At that moment, my boss walks up behind me and taps my shoulder. She looks at me with this horrible sad and long look and says - "you just love them, that's all you can do".

It turns out that her youngest daughter was severely disabled. I almost choked on my tongue trying to apologize for being an insensitive bitch.

HP_Starcraft · 1 year

I was on the bus with some friends, and we're talking about this episode of Maury. My friend does an impression of this one chick, going "FIVE HUNNID YEAS OF O-PRESSION"! A random black lady on the bus gives us a hard look and goes "If y'all got something to say to me, say it to my face".

chops88 · 1 year

This actually happened during the first class I ever had in college. The class itself had about 15 other people and was a current events/debate type of class. My professor started out by bringing up a topic and then told us his opinion, which he asked someone to respond to. Since it was the first day, everyone was too shy and didn't talk so after about 15 seconds of awkward silence I said, "Yeah, well, you know, thats just like, uh, your opinion, man." Only one other person got the Big Lebowski reference and chuckled, whereas I got lectured on why that wasn't an intelligent response for 30 minutes after class.

TL;DR: Referenced The Big Lebowski to a group that wasn't familiar with the film

armper · 1 year

I was sitting at IHOP drinking coffee with friends. I told them of a time where I was sitting in IHOP drinking coffee like we are now and said a joke about Native Americans. Turned out there was a family of native Americans behind me.

I joked and said that whenever I talk about Native Americans, there's one behind me. I went further and said "watch, I'll bet there's one behind me right now". I turned my head and sure enough..... goddammit. He heard everything and he even shook his head.

saxmyphone · 1 year

Freshman year of college for an April fools prank some friends wrote up a fake letter from the "diversity department" of our university saying that the recipient needed to attend some diversity training (it was basically calling them racist). We gave them out to two kids who'd said suspicious things before; one knew right away that we were pranking him and the other took it very seriously. Even after my friend basically told him it was a fraud.

This kid took the letter to his advisor, and then the search was on for who did it. After about a day, four of my friends got emails from this other guy's RA saying they needed to talk about the incident, and it is important to say that none of these four people took any part in it.

One of the four kids sent back a very vulgar email saying that he had nothing to do with it and so on. The RA sent an email back saying he was being inappropriate, and then he sent an email back calling the RA a racist because he was blaming a jew, an indian, a chinaman, and a mexican. None of the four of them heard any more about being responsible.

EDIT: Some of people have commented on the races I've named here and how I've named them, especially saying "chinaman". I know this isn't PC but that's exactly how my friend phrased it in the email, so I thought for authenticity's sake I'd share it the same way. Sorry if I've offended anyone!

buddywonk · 1 year

We used to play the exceptionally mature game of "Guy or Girl?" at my job. The rules were simple---we picked an androgynous-looking person in the vicinity and argued about their gender. We were working at a chain restaurant at the time, and the game was a fun way to get new hires introduced to the twisted, offensive sense of humor we all shared.

One day, we were playing Guy or Girl? with a patron of our establishment as the target, and casually walked up to the new guy to ask his opinion.

Us: "Is that a guy or girl out there?" New guy: "Which table?" Us: "Seventeen." New guy: "...That's my brother."

That game was never quite as fun after that day.

erauqssidlroweht · 1 year

I've told this story before, but it's humourous, so I share again.

There was a hot girl in my CS class one year, and I wanted to meet her. So, I was quite pleasantly surprised when I found out that we had a few mutual friends (said friends all had girlfriends too, so no competition!). Well, one day we're standing around in the cs building when she walks up to us. It went something like this

Girl: "Oh hey [mutualfriend]"

MF: "Hey [girl], you weren't in class today!"

Girl: "Well I had to go to the doctor."

Now at this point, my idiotic socially retarded sense of humour kicked in, and so my first impression on this girl went something like this

Me: Feigning worry "Oh my god are you dying? Do you have cancer"

Girl: "Actually yes. Yes I do"

thirty second silence

Girl: "I have skin cancer. It's no big deal; I just have to have checkups every once in a while"

Needless to say, I'm still single

redditnub · 1 year

My First Reddit Post

First day at my new high school (11th grade) - I changed the background on the library PC and the librarian asks me why. I replied, "It wasn't me, it was the one armed man!" - quoting Jim Carrey in The Mask who was quoting Harrison Ford from The Fugitive.

Turns out the IT guy only had one arm, and I totally threw him under the bus...

TLDR: I have no soul, I'm just a collection of movie quotes.

remmiz · 1 year

I had been waiting in line for a single person bathroom at a city festival for a good 5 min. Finally a kid, about 11, walks out. As he walks out I jokingly ask him if he had fun rubbing one out in there. He gives me a weird look and I think nothing of it other than he has no idea what I just said.

As I am walking out of the bathroom, the kid, his parents and a police officer walk up to me and ask if I made a rude comment to the kid. Apparently the kid told his parents what I said and of course they went straight to the police officer and by the time I was being retold the story it sounded much, much worse than what had really happened.

They told me to leave the event and not to come back or they would arrest me.

tl;dr: Joke makes me look like a pedophile to police.

guavainindia · 1 year

My go-to line is this: Whenever anyone, regardless of gender, tells me they have big news I make a point to, with a bored but expectant look on my face say "You're pregnant?"

So, my friend and her husband are hanging out with me and my neighbor. Friend's husband says "We have some big news?"

I say "You're pregnant?"

Friend looks at husband and says "I fucking told you she'd ruin it"

I lauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughed and laughed and laughed.

[deleted] · 1 year

I met a kid in the ninth grade whose last name was Bean. It dawned on me that his dad would've been Mr. Bean, like the Rowan Atkinson Mr. Bean, and so I said this out loud a few times: "Your dad is Mr. Bean! Ha ha ha! Do you ever watch that old show with him? Mr. Bean!!"

Everyone just looked at me, because I guess was the only one who didn't know his dad had killed himself the week prior.

penguinswithpie · 1 year

An out of town friend came over for a party one evening back in high school. He was a bit of an asshole, so was shootin' the shit with this girl when she said something to him that made him reply "Haha you have dead parents" or something to that effect. It was a pretty long time ago and I was drunk. Anyway, the girl's father had murdered her mother and killed himself just a year prior to this. Everyone in the room stopped and stared and he had no idea what he did.

shokker · 1 year

I was at a party, quite drunk, laughing and talking with some of my friends. Someone makes a Captain Planet joke and everyone shouts "Fire!" "Wind!" "Water!" "Heart!" and after a pause the last guy says "Earth!"

So I laugh and loudly say "Ha, nobody wanted to be the black one!"

...as my black friend is walking up behind me.

LasertagSP · 1 year

First week of freshman year, college. The school holds an event in the biggest hall on campus, and invites the entire incoming class. All my classmates for the next 4 years.

We're there for a "The Dating Game", the one where three single guys sit on one side of a curtain, and answer a girl's questions who can't see them. All the contestants are students.

The questions are lame: where would you take me on a date to really romance me? What's your favorite pickup line? etc.

Then, she asks: do your best impression of an NSync dance move.

So each dude has to get up, in front of the entire freshman class, and dance. Which, in my experience, is a huge embarrassment.

The nerdiest guy gets up, and proceeds to dance like something is wrong with his legs. He's completely putting himself out there, saying (through dance) that NSync is stupid and dances like idiots.

The room is silent. The guy is dancing like an idiot in total silence.

I start to laugh, and because I feel bad for the guy, I kinda up the laughter a little bit.

Still: nobody else is laughing.

I up the laughter even more, hoping that someone will join in, the guy doesn't deserve to dance like that in deafening silence.

Nobody laughs.

Later: the game is over, and the contestants walk off the stage. The guy I was supporting through laughter continues to walk like something is wrong with his legs, because something is wrong with his legs, and I was laughing at him in front of my entire class.

TL;DR I laughed at a handicapped guy in front of 500 people.

katalyst23 · 1 year

Back in high school I had this friend Sean who loved to tell dead baby jokes. One time he was in the hospital (I think his dad had a heart attack or something), and he was sitting in the waiting room, telling dead baby jokes.

"How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? One, if you throw it hard enough. How do you keep a baby from crawling around in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor." etc etc.

At one point he turned to the guy next to him and asked him why he was in the waiting room. "My wife is having a miscarriage." They sat in silence for the rest of the night in the waiting room. Awkward.

1 year

[deleted]

Uber_Nick · 1 year

In college, I'm flirting with a new girl who's in our dinner group, when she asks, "aren't you going to sit next to me?"

"No," I reply with a smirk, "you're kind of stinky."

Her: {shreiks}{sobbing}{runs off}

I find her to see what happened, and she can barely talk through the tears, "I'm sorry, but I was born without a sense of smell."

Whoops

mayoroftuesday · 1 year

In 4th grade there was this girl I really liked. I wrote a dirty note to her and signed another guy's name as a practical joke. I thought it would be funny. I was 10, I didn't really know what I wrote meant. I got caught because I was laughing so hard. Almost got expelled, had to have "the talk" with parents, and now that I'm older I feel ashamed every time I think of it. She never talked to me again.

pstratigis · 1 year

Went on a run with a group new group on a weekend vacation to Vermont. After the run, we all met at a bar. Ran into a cute girl who the rest of the group obviously knew. Introduced myself, asked her if she ever went on the runs. "Some day, maybe," was her response. To which I asked, "What, are you getting used to a fake leg or something?" She rolled up her pant leg, exposing a metal prosthetic.

Neebat · 1 year

Our workplace is pretty casual, with constant joking around and put downs and stuff. One day one of our coworkers came by that I hadn't seen in a while. He has a couple little bandages on his forehead, so, rather than staring at him awkward, I said something like, "Dude, what happened to your face!" Cancer it turns out. Melanoma.

Dude. That's not a fair comeback.

mrekted · 1 year

I can't believe that no one has mentioned that guy from a few years back with the friend that worked at an investment firm, and accidentally light two of his colleagues on fire in a prank gone wrong.

One death, one disfigurement, and 2 years in jail were the end results of that one.

Easily one of the most horrifying stories I've read on Reddit. And that's saying quite a bit.

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