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[–]TheBozack 977 points978 points ago

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Not me, my Father, but the story has taken on epic proportions in my family.

At a party, a little girl (daughter of a friend of the family) is sitting on the couch with her skirt poofed out all around her. My father walks up and jovially asks "Hey little girl! Where are your legs?" to which her mom replies "She doesn't have any." (congenital birth defect, you see).

Yeah. Um. Awkward.

[–]utterpedant 609 points610 points ago

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Your father's only recourse in that situation would have been to begin screaming in horror.

[–]Soothsweven 226 points227 points ago

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And start hitting her with a shovel.

[–]zero_iq 558 points559 points ago

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I'd put money on the little girl not being offended by this, just her parents. Small children are usually really up-front about things like this, and will quite casually ask people questions like 'what happened to your arm?', 'why have you got no hair?', or whatever, and be equally as straightforward in their answers. I think it takes a few years before kids learn to be offended by this sort of stuff.

[–]domcolosi 83 points84 points ago

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Depends on how little: sometimes, once they get to school, they get made fun of, which puts the thought in their heads that they should be ashamed. :(

[–]jgzman 411 points412 points ago

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IMO, this is a quality that we should damn well NURTURE in our kids.

[–]kometes 120 points121 points ago

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Trust me, you want your children to learn tact. You don't want the loudest voice in a crowd to be that of your child commenting on the smell of your fart.

[–]Renmauzuo 42 points43 points ago

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I'm assuming his wish was more that we should teach children not be offended by/ashamed of such questions, rather than to constantly interrogate other people about visible ailments.

[–]Jasonrj 17 points18 points ago

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I'm a cashier and one time I was in the middle of handling the money for my current customer when he stopped and looked at this 1 handed guy walking by the front of the store, and in front of everyone, my customer yelled "hey, how did you lose your hand?!"

The guy was a complete stranger to him, but he actually walked over and told him the whole story.. I couldn't hear it, but everyone was in shock and I was loling hard.

[–]Batduck 1202 points1203 points ago

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I was at one of my friend's girlfriend's sorority sister's parties, so I know exactly two people. We were playing Apples to Apples, a party game involving words on cards. One of the cards was "Dinner", and it had the following joke printed on the bottom:

How does Batman's mother call him to dinner?

A: Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman!!!

The girl reads this out loud, and doesn't even get to the punchline before I interject, like a dutiful comic book nerd, "She doesn't. She's DEEEAAAAAD!"

The girl runs out of the room crying. Her mom had just died. The party was to cheer her up. Nobody told me. I wasn't invited to any more sorority parties.

[–]Galactica_Actual 513 points514 points ago

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this wins on a few levels, not the least of which is breaking out a comic book guy at a sorority party where you don't know anyone.

I stand in awe.

[–]lateralus10 43 points44 points ago

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Apples to Apples has gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion. Worst instance was I was playing with a few friends and some friends of friends. Well this one girl, whom i didn't know, played the card "Squeaky clean." Me and my friends has warped senses of humor so I played one of my trump cards, "Adolf Hitler." No one told me that this chick's grandparents were in the Holocaust. Needless to say, the rest of the night was pretty tame.

[–][deleted] 32 points33 points ago

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Adolph Hitler is one of the staples that make the game so much fun.

[–]lateralus10 20 points21 points ago

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I made my friend piss his pants because I played "Helen Keller" on "touchy feely"

[–]euming 153 points154 points ago

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Later that night, did you dance with the devil under the pale moonlight?

[–]mipadi 118 points119 points ago*

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I have a funny Apples to Apples incident, although not as funny or awkward as yours (sadly).

In college, I was an officer in the campus's Asian students association, even though I was a white kid from Pennsylvania (I was one of only two or three white kids in the group, and, I might add, the highest-ranking non-Asian). We're at a retreat for new members, playing Apples to Apples. I'm the judge. I get the the word unnatural. The first two cards I flip over? "Pearl Harbor" and "Nagasaki".

[–]taoofchris 18 points19 points ago

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A student of mine once pulled out the Hellen Keller card. The Green card that round? Touchy-feely.

[–]nova20 924 points925 points ago*

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My sister once wrote "don't die over summer" in someone's high-school yearbook. He didn't take the advice.

EDIT: I was in middle school at the time, but I believe the guy died in a car crash. Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that it was suicide.

[–][deleted] 236 points237 points ago

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Ouch.

[–][deleted] 190 points191 points ago

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Well, sounds like hermano is about to get his ass kicked.

[–]einsteinonabike 154 points155 points ago

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..just as soon as we find out who this "Hermano" guy is..

[–]FuckThe 105 points106 points ago

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Apparently, he's someone's brother.

[–]Wikiplugs 30 points31 points ago

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On a less serious note, my wife signed a card "Happy Birthday" without looking what it was about at work cause someone just handed it to her at work. Later on when she attended what she though was surely the cake cutting for that birthday person she just wrote nice wishes for, she found out that the person was forced to leave her job because she did not pass some certification. Getting laid off basically. Heard the cake was good though.

[–]jbibby 1003 points1004 points ago

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My sister was sitting on the couch with a blanket over her head, it was one of those heavy-knitted ones with the big holes one could see through if they wanted.

To get her to move I picked up our cat and tossed it on her, assuming that the furry feline would simply land on her stomach and cause her to WTF? Didn't toss hard or far, almost literally directly beside her. Well my aim was off and the cat landed on the portion of the blanket where her face was, CLAWS OUT.

Big bloody claw marks all down her face. She screamed bloody murder. I told her the cat had been climbing along the back of the sofa and jumped down on his own.

TL;DR: I framed a cat.

[–][deleted] 637 points638 points ago

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Yeah I can relate, my cat downloads child porn onto my computer all the time.

[–]_your_face 779 points780 points ago

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kitty porn

[–]Folseit 48 points49 points ago

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Cat was probably already planning that.

[–]spadger 72 points73 points ago

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I used to frame the dog all the time (farts)

[–]wellsdb 15 points16 points ago

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My grandmother used to call that type of blanket an Afghan.

[–]Pyrofire14 938 points939 points ago

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At a Magic: The Gathering tournament my friend and I were trying to finish up his deck before the event kicked off, but he was wasting time and offering poor candidates for the last few slots. So I said to him:

"The only use this card might have is if you reach across the table and poke your opponent's eye out."

At that very moment a judge walked by who only had one eye. He stopped, turned to our table, and said:

"I hear that's a bad thing"

[–]arestheblue 631 points632 points ago

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I think that might be a joke gone horribly right

[–]constipated_HELP 326 points327 points ago

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It's like a real-life novelty account.

[–]SenorMonoculo 333 points334 points ago

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At a Magic: The Gathering tournament

I bet that place was filled with awkward jokes gone awry.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] 133 points134 points ago

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A lot going on in this post

[–]ccipriano 26 points27 points ago

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Here's another Magic: The Gathering joke gone wrong.

For those of you who play competitively you have be familiar with the phrase "running well" which means you're getting lucky or you're at least not getting unlucky.

My friend who was judging had a player complaining to him about how unlucky he was getting all day and all the bad beats that were happening to him. My friend replied: "You must not run well."

The other guy was in a wheelchair.

[–]botptr 16 points17 points ago

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At a Magic: The Gathering tournament

This is the only way to start a story

[–]somuchblood 1059 points1060 points ago

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While being interviewed by a female engineer, she asked about other hobbies/physical activity when I said, "I haven't had much time to exercise as much as I'd like. They say engineering makes you fat, as I'm sure you know. Wait, er... because you're an engineer, not because you're fat. You're not fat."

Needless to say, it was a bit awkward.

[–]thewishmaster 965 points966 points ago

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Haha that sounds totally like me in my earlier days.

EDIT: Because I said awkward things like that a lot. Not because I was fat. I'm not fat.

[–]Eliri 112 points113 points ago

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And this is where someone snarkily points out that your comment doesn't have an edit star, and someone else tells us it's ok since ninja edits count.

[–]Jazzbandrew 58 points59 points ago

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Haha that sounds totally like me in my earlier days.

EDIT: Because I used to edit my comments like that a lot. Not because I was a ninja. I'm not a ninja.

[–][deleted] 320 points321 points ago

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Yeah, ouch. I've got a decent one: In college I was at a sandwich shop. I'm ordering and the girl at the register says what, speak up, come again, etc., over and over again. I thought she was teasing me (she looked dorky and I usually kill it with dorks) so I start flirting she flirts back but continues to ask me "what" after every few sentences. So, finally (loudly) "look, what's wrong? you either need a new hearing aid or I need a bullhorn." she turned bright red and pulled back her hair revealing one of those hearing implants. She actually sobbed as she tried to explain that I spoke in a low tone that didn't come through well. Words failed me, I apologized and left very quickly.

tl:dr I fail.

[–]Dunscaith 258 points259 points ago

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At that point, you should have apologised and asked her out for a drink to make up for your bullheaded quip. C'mon dude!

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points ago

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I know, I'm usually pretty smooth, i just was in complete shock! You ever have someone ask a question too fast and just freeze? Something simple you know the answer to but just in that moment lockjaw happens to your mind? Well, she pulled her hair back like the damn wind and before I knew it she had tears in her eyes and my friends were dying of laughter. My brain was like Fuck. This. I'm out.

[–]mrtherapist 69 points70 points ago

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I'm not deaf or experiencing any significant hearing loss according to the specialist I saw. But I have a really hard time hearing what people say if they are at low volumes.

I have had a few people yell to me about "adjust my hearing aid" and I usually give them a good verbal beat down:
"If I couldn't hear what you said the first time at that volume what made you think I could hear you at that volume the second or third time? It is surprising that you never learned to become incrementally louder. If you were a television it would be like your volume control would only have increments of ten. That would be pretty annoying wouldn't it?"

tl:dr; I am an asshole to people who can't become incrementally louder.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]OrangeLazarus 301 points302 points ago

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I had a similar moment of awkward meeting my boyfriend's extended relatives for the first time. His very sweet, but incredibly obese 12 year old cousin just got done telling me how much she "loooooves school". Convo went as follows:

"You like biology?"

"No."

"You like math?"

"No."

"You like history?"

"No."

"Wow, you must really like lunch, huh?!"

Awkward silence around the table as her mom eyeballs me and I try to explain my thinking. I mean, she said she loved school! What was left?! Right guys? Guys?...

[–]jeffkolez 152 points153 points ago

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Did you get the job?

[–]sdub86 131 points132 points ago

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You're not fat.

Nailed it.

[–]busted0201 67 points68 points ago

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You could drink whole milk if you wanted to.

[–]Snufflesaur 53 points54 points ago

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My friend and a couple of her girlfriends were hanging out at my house once, and one of them, who was basically obese, was playing with my dog, who was also portly. We were talking about my dog and I said "yeah she's a little fatty isn't she?" And then I made the mistake of specifying, "the dog I mean..." followed my awkward silence...

[–]SpruceCaboose 78 points79 points ago

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For the sake of the awkward, was the female overweight? If she was, the awkward goes up quite a bit.

[–][deleted] 177 points178 points ago

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Yeah, if she really was fat then the joke would have

PUTS ON SUNGLASSES

carried more weight.

[–]mattxb 83 points84 points ago

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I was in a stall in a bar bathroom and my friend was at the urinal. In my drunken state I saw a plunger and thought it would be funny to wave it around like a sword. So when he turned around from the urinal I made a quick Zorro pattern in the air with the plunger and said "Touche" at which time some toilet water that had been hiding in it flew out and drew a line across his shirt. It was pretty bad.

[–]euming 62 points63 points ago

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The only way to recover from that is to finish off the toilet water Z, put on your mask and cape, and do a little Ashlee Simpson jig as you shuffle out of the bathroom.

[–]Vitalstatistix 1454 points1455 points ago

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Told this story before on Reddit, but I think it fits pretty well here.

I switched to a private school in my freshman year but still remained close with all my public school friends fortunately. One day we were all skiing together, plus one random kid who's name I knew (I'll call him Brandon here), but wasn't really sure why he was with us as he had never been friends with any of us before.

Nonetheless, when we went into the lodge to take a break, I figured I'd do my best to engage Brandon as he seemed kind of shy. Also, you should know my group was the type that would make fun of each other a lot, and generally subscribed to anti-PC type jokes- pretty typical teenage stuff.

So, we all sit down at a table and start peeling off layers of hats, gloves, and goggles. I look over across the table at Brandon and see that his neck has all these funny marks on it, so I jokingly said, "Hey Brandon, what'd you get those marks from?? You try and hang yourself or something??!"

Turns out, yes, in fact, he did try and fucking hang himself, just a few days earlier. No one said anything, there were just eight stunned faces staring at me, and I quickly knew.

[–]Phantasmal 1964 points1965 points ago

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I did this too!

I met someone new and offer my hand for a handshake.

When he reached out I noticed a giant, raised pink scar running across his wrist.

Being a frequently injured person (21 broken bones) I assumed he was equally unlucky.

"Wow, that is an amazing scar! It looks kinda like you tried to cut your wrists but didn't understand anatomy that well."

He said, "I tried to chop my hands off with an axe."

I was stunned and felt horrible but I figured my foot was already as far down my throat as it was getting so said the only thing a person can say in a situation like that.

"How were you going to hold the axe after you got the first hand off?"

[–]Cacafuego 762 points763 points ago

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My wife used to work in crisis counseling. When she was a newbie, she got a call from a client who claimed to have "a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a gun in the other!" Without thinking, she asked "how are you holding the phone?"

[–]petrifiedcattle 449 points450 points ago

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I'm no expert, but saying something that has a pretty high chance of making them laugh might help more than most things.

[–]luag 302 points303 points ago*

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Scenario B:

"You're making fun of me too?!"

sobs

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYY does everyone ALWAYS make fun of ME???!!! GODAMMIT!!!"

BANG

[–]NTMLVF 251 points252 points ago

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Scenario C:

"Just because I have three hands, everyone hates me!! BANG!"

[–]fudefite 26 points27 points ago

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Scenario D:

"Just because I have a blue tooth head set, everyone hates me!! BANG!"

[–]Teekoo 17 points18 points ago*

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Scenario E:

"Well..."

And after that it's whole new kind of hotline.

[–]CLVPX 23 points24 points ago

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It could also prompt a review from them on their new bluetooth headset

[–][deleted] 38 points39 points ago

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Followed by a clear BANG with almost no distortion!

[–]nanan00 41 points42 points ago

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One of the things they tell you to do is to disarm people with humor as it will get them to think with different parts of the brain.

[–]shadus 638 points639 points ago*

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Wow, I've never quite stuck my foot (foot! not food) that far in my mouth personally... but at one of my jobs I was in talking to the tech manager (I was recently promoted to sysadmin and he used to be my boss) and as I'm leaving he says "Can you walk in the tech room and grab Asz?" and I'm all "Sure, no prob"... I wander in and let him know he's wanted in the managers office and he's like "Any idea for what?" and I spout off "They're sick of yer shit, they're going to fire you." loudly enough the tech manager, asz, and vp of company all heard it... and low and behold they did fire him... right then... and then wanted to know who had told me.

Foot mouth disorder isn't healthy.

[–]wellsdb 168 points169 points ago

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Wow, after I read "grab Asz" I expected something totally different from that story. :)

[–]animeguru 84 points85 points ago

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I've never quite stuck my food that far in my mouth personally...

So... I take it you subscribe to the Cartman method of consumption?

[–]omnipotant 150 points151 points ago*

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and then what happened?

edit:and don't say someone was going to give him a hand.

[–]Phantasmal 395 points396 points ago

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He laughed and said I was the ballsiest person he had ever met.

He went on to say that it usually made people really uncomfortable and he didn't like seeing the look in their eyes when they found out. Made him feel like a freak and a pariah.

It seems that it was mostly just a chapter in his life that he wanted to move past.

I got damn lucky.

[–]MOLESTOTHESUPERAPIST 183 points184 points ago

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Being called "the ballsiest person he had ever met" by a guy who attempted to cut his own hands off with an axe has got to be one of the best compliments a person can receive in this world. Shit man.

[–]Phantasmal 56 points57 points ago

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Considering that he has two testicles and I have none, it is even weirder.

[–]eroverton 22 points23 points ago

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Hatchet wound?

[–]Phantasmal 16 points17 points ago

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Yes.

[–]carlivar 124 points125 points ago

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So he didn't answer the question.

[–]CapnScumbone[!] 190 points191 points ago

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i have the answer. he filed a patent for the axe helmet three years ago.

[–]robreddity 18 points19 points ago

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Slap-chop guy MUST make this commercial.

[–]DullBoyJack 230 points231 points ago

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I don't think you got lucky, that was about the smartest way to go about it. You acknowledged that HUGE OBVIOUS SCAR was there and did everything BUT make a big deal about it.

[–]chemistry_teacher 43 points44 points ago

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I fully agree. BIG win on handling it about as well as anyone can.

[–]bezjones 301 points302 points ago

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Mine is similar to yours and @Vitalstatistix.

My dad was visiting me in the UK from Canada and being the sensible guy that he is, suggested that I should have a will in case anything were to happen to me.

We drew one up quickly and I was looking for a couple friends to sign it. I texted a couple friends and they told me to come meet them in the pub.

When I arrived I tried to make light of the situation by saying:

"Can you sign my will please? Lookin' to do myself in tomorrow so if you want be in it sign for me."

Well it turns out that they, and the group of friends (all of which i knew), were there because they were banding together to console each-other after a mutual friend had just killed herself only hours earlier.

[–]dekx11 283 points284 points ago

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For a moment there, thought you were gonna say, "...and lo and behold, i died the next day!"

[–]LifeIsGreen 34 points35 points ago

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First he has to win the lottery.

[–]chemistry_teacher 301 points302 points ago

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So, what you're saying is, you used disarming humor to handle the situation.

[–]Vitalstatistix 184 points185 points ago

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Haaaahah wow, that is a phenomenally terrible/hilarious response at the end there. I was already kind of chuckling when I said my line, so when the kid fired back his answer, I was still chuckling a little...it was so fucking awkward.

[–]EllaL 17 points18 points ago

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That was my first thought too. Axes are heavy.

[–]NorthernerWuwu 99 points100 points ago

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When I was sixteen and working as a busboy (think decades ago for social context) I saw that one of the waitresses had been scratched by her cat along her wrists crossways. The joke was "you know, if you are going to try and kill yourself you should cut lengthwise!".

It wasn't her cat of course...

[–]ferreus59 48 points49 points ago

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Ok. I'll throw one out there. Not exactly a joke gone wrong but definitely something I said without thinking. I knew a girl in high school who terrible things always seemed to happen to. (I wasn't really friends with her, but had known her for a long time.) I'm talking accident prone, clumsy, that sort of thing. But nothing tragic, until about our sophomore year. Her mother was randomly killed in a car accident, and she was pretty broken up about it for a while. By whatever unfortunate twist of fate, over the next few months she also lost a grandmother, an aunt, and an uncle. She was quoted as saying once, "everyone I know is dying around me!". One day we are in the cafeteria, and I'm talking to some of my buddies. She comes up randomly, grabs my hands and says "hey ferreus59 are my hands cold?". And let me tell you, they were FREEZING. So naturally my first response was, "Jesus they're cold! Like the touch of death!" O.O oops.

[–]Peatore 280 points281 points ago

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Classmate was stressing out about a project he was afraid he was going to do terrible with.

I jokingly said; "well if you fail you could always hang yourself or something."

Later in the year his parents found him hanging from a support beam in their basement.

Now obviously he didn't hang himself because of some off-color joke he heard a few months prior, but that didn't stop people from making a big deal about it.

[–]Redebo 332 points333 points ago

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Have you tried your powers of suggestion on other victims yet?

[–]klarnax 139 points140 points ago

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Just that filthy bastard Miggs in the next cell over....

[–]nowaidude 151 points152 points ago

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"I hope your fucking plane crashes and you die." - Louis "Hey. You take that back! How will you feel if that really happens?!" - Friend "Are you shitting me?! That would be fucking incredible! I would gladly trade your life for knowledge of my powers!" - Louis

[–]RonBeck62 40 points41 points ago

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"Oh. So, you're a swinger, then?"

[–]beaker26 46 points47 points ago

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You have no idea how badly I wanted this to be a Johnny Tsunami joke.

[–]everyme 255 points256 points ago

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My little brother fell asleep next to me in the car and his mouth hung open. I thought it'd be funny to put an M&M in his mouth while he slept. ...When he awoke he started choking on it - thankfully he was able to cough it out, but that one got me to swear off of doing physical practical jokes.

[–][deleted] 129 points130 points ago

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At work, we had this chair that we called the "poop chair". Honestly, 100% not lying, a customer had an accident in the chair. They cleaned it, but the stain remained. Our boss, instead of just throwing it out and buying a new one, fixed the problem of having customers sit in a poop chair by putting it in the back offices, where employees had to use it

Anyway, the poop chair just became a joke. We would constantly switch it out to other employees, like a really weird game of tag. Someone would get up and get coffee, and when they'd come back, they'd come back to the poop chair.

Anyway, right after my friend left work one night, I gave her the poop chair and took her chair. But that night, she was in a car accident. She lingered in a coma. We left the poop chair at her desk, almost like a really sad way of hoping she would come back to enjoy her turn as "it". But she died, so the poop chair just stayed at her empty desk for months...

[–]Folseit 30 points31 points ago

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Depressing story for my week.

[–]evilarts 17 points18 points ago

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Oh shit, way to depress me for the rest of the day. Poop chair, indeed!

[–]revonrat 202 points203 points ago

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Not a joke but similar to some other replies.

I was in high school and ran into a girl I was trying to get with and her friend. The friend had a cold and was obviously not feeling well.

She said, "I feel like shit.". I reply, "You look like shit.", when what I meant to say was, "You look like you feel like shit."

No, I didn't get the girl.

[–]think_less 58 points59 points ago

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"You look like you feel like shit" isn't really better.

[–]str8_derpin 585 points586 points ago

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I was suspended in middle school for calling a black kid 'my nigga'. He was not in fact my nigga.

[–]iamsmooth 234 points235 points ago

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I was talking to a black friend one day in high school. Ended up saying something like "what's up my nigga?". He immediately exclaimed "WHAT DID YOU SAY?". Since I kinda said it quietly, I played it off and said "NWA is awesome. You know, Niggas With Attitude". To which he replied, "Oh, yeah they're pretty good". I don't even like rap :(

[–]fauxnetikz 46 points47 points ago

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My brother was suspended in elementary school for saying "Hey baby. Uhuhuhuhuh" to a girl at recess.

[–]CitizenPremier 238 points239 points ago

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Dang. Whose nigga was he?

[–]Major_Major_Major 275 points276 points ago

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Might have been a runaway.

[–][deleted] 51 points52 points ago

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I was on a date a few months ago and the girl was telling me about how she was engaged a few years ago and then they broke up. She said it "blew up in my face, literally." I jokingly asked, "What happened? Was he a suicide bomber?" She responded, "No, but he was killed by one." Apparently he was in the military and got deployed to Iraq a few weeks after they broke up and was killed in an attack.

[–]ether_reddit 64 points65 points ago

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She had it coming when she said "blew up in my face, literally".

[–]cyclopath 260 points261 points ago*

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Rarely do I add my two cents to a post that already has 2000+ comments, but...

I was visiting from out of state and was invited to a Christmas party with a few college friends and many friends and coworkers of said college friends. So, it was a decent sized party of 30yr olds, a handful of which I was very comfortable with, the rest I didn't know at all. It was one of those parties where everyone's trying to be classy, wearing ties and heels and shit. But, you could also feel that there was a very real chance that the party was going to devolve into keg stands, unsolicited blowjobs and vomiting later in the evening.

One woman, a coworker of a teacher friend, was getting drunk and flailing around a bit, having a good time. I didn't know her, but she seemed like fun and we were joking back and forth. She knocked something over in her flailings for the second time in 5 minutes and I told her:

"You know, maybe you should wear a helmet."

The group laughed. She did not. She said:

"You know... I'm a special ed teacher and I have many students who have to wear helmets.

The group laughed even harder, both at the situation and at me... waiting for me to dig a deeper hole, which is OK. I'm used to sticking my foot in my mouth.

I felt bad. I apologized profusely and told her I didn't mean anything by it, that I just meant she was getting a little crazy and that there was nothing wrong with that.

But, she would have none of it. And, she was not only upset that I had told her she should wear a helmet, but she thought everyone was now laughing at her. She ranted for a while until I realized that this was going on way longer than necessary; that she was drunk and she was milking it quite a lot. In an effort to put an end to her tirade, I told her that I had already apologized and that she shouldn't let one stupid remark ruin her night. She said:

"I just don't like being told I need to wear a helmet",

to which I replied:

"You mean this has happened before?!"

The group lost it. The special ed teacher threw in the towel and left without a word. I basked in my shining moment of glory. I felt kind of bad, but then it's not every day one gets the opportunity to remove one's foot from one's mouth, turn it around and blast it up the ass of a drunken, invective special ed teacher.

edit: spelling

[–]ll_shades 468 points469 points ago

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A while ago, the best comeback anyone at my school had was 'you're adopted and your parents don't love you.'

The only time i ever used it, as a joke, because this kid was pissing me off, he ran off crying. Apparently he was adopted. Eugh.

[–]spacelincoln 982 points983 points ago

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I got suspended in fifth grade for telling a kid to "take a chill pill." He was on Ritalin.

[–]fusionblonde 292 points293 points ago

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Wtf? that's a pretty ridiculous-PC school.

[–]fauxnetikz 27 points28 points ago

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You want to hear ridiculous PC?

My brother had to go to the principal's office in 5th grade. They called my Dad at work (at the time he was a top executive in a company that owned/ran dozens of colleges, so calling him at work was a huge deal) to tell him that his son might be expelled. What for? For bringing controlled substances on to school property. An inhalant, to be specific. What was the inhalant? Oh yeah, it was hair spray. It was picture day at school and my brother brought an aerosol can of hair spray, and they wanted to expel a 5th grader for having controlled substances.

They also tried to tell my parents that I needed ritalin because they didn't think it was normal for a 3rd grader to be fidgety/restless after finishing the assignments that the rest of the class was still working on.

[–]RealDeuce 103 points104 points ago

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The guy must be in grade seven now...

[–]DeliveryNinja 342 points343 points ago

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That's some comedy gold right there.

[–]pdmcmahon 75 points76 points ago

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At least once a year, me and my big mouth will try to compliment a parent on their young child saying how much they look like their mother or father. At at least once a year, I will get the reply of "thanks, but he or she is adopted".

The wittiest reply a lady once gave me was "well, you are actually right, she does look a lot like her mother, who I met while we were signing the adoption papers".

[–]sayuriaiona 44 points45 points ago

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I'm adopted and when people would say that, my parents or brother and I would just smile knowingly and laugh about it later. No reason to make people feel horribly awkward about something they didn't know about.

[–]wwbd 147 points148 points ago

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I once used a "your mom" comeback on a guy whose mom, it turns out, had died. Recently.

[–]nvjar 147 points148 points ago

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I had gotten so used to using "your mom" that when talking to a coworker the week of her mothers funeral I started to blurt it out. I got through mo and I froze in horror. Thankfully she had known me long enough to realize that I felt bad about it. She let it slide and about 2 years later the incident had become an inside joke.

[–]OppoKomn 143 points144 points ago

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I was playing cricket at school, and I missed the wicket by a long way. Some arse called out "Were you even aiming?!", and I replied "No, but i was aiming at your mum last night, and I hit that. Twice." I was feeling pretty good about it until he said his mum had died about a week ago.

[–]FatAlbert 321 points322 points ago

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Could you British-up your story a little bit more? It wasn't British enough.

[–]srs_house 95 points96 points ago

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Bollocks.

[–]Sachiano 178 points179 points ago

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'E were playin' a bit o' cricket at his Jah Rule but missed the wicket by arf a mile. Some knob jockey yelled, "Didja even fuckin' look?!" and 'e said, "Nah, but I aimed at your mam las'night, and I shagged her. Twice."

He was feeling well pleased wiv 'imself 'til the lad said his mum had died last week.

That stereotypically British enough?

[–]sleepygamer 62 points63 points ago*

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Very Southern. For a Northerner like myself...

'E wuz playin' sum cricket at school, and missed the wicket by 'arf. Some cunt shouted art, "'ere, did you even aim that cunt?", and 'e sed back, "Nah, but I fucked yer mum, twice. Double fuckin' points coz she's yer fuckin' sister too!"

'E was feelin' fuckin' 'appy as Larry bart that, 'til the silly cunt sed 'is mum had died last week.

We like to swear more, Oop North

FYI THAT'S A TVTROPES LINK BE CAREFUL

[–]Rage4123 39 points40 points ago

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What you talking about? Northerners don't go to school.

[–]mrnicelupe 17 points18 points ago

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Just means she wasn't a moving target, I'd have still rolled with it.

[–]Gasik1417 20 points21 points ago

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I've had that happen. It is a bad feeling. That is why I only insult my brother's mom..... The rest of the family hates it at Thanksgiving...

[–]Vitalstatistix 31 points32 points ago

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I told a kid once who used a "your mom" joke on me with a completely straight face that my mom had recently died and he was a total asshole for that. He just opened his mouth wide and backed away slowly saying sorry. I told him a few days later I was just fucking with him; didn't want to haunt him for life.

[–]The_Cacabarn 135 points136 points ago

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I live in LA, and was driving around one night at 3am after some bars with my good friend from college, and a few of her friends. We were all drunk (except for the driver of course). We drove past the Church of Scientology, which has a huge flashing banner, and always seems to be shouting scientology dogma at you. As we were driving by, I read/shouted "DIANETICS!!!!"

After that the whole car got quiet, and I was too drunk to figure out why. The next day, my friend from college said "yeah, so by the way, they're all scientologists."

OOPS.

Needless to say, I stopped hanging out with that particular group of people (for more than one reason). LA is a weird place.

[–]clocksailor 178 points179 points ago

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My god! If you can't ridicule Scientologists with confidence, who can you ridicule?

[–]learnyouahaskell 35 points36 points ago

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I don't see how that is offensive, just funny.

[–]ataraxiary 92 points93 points ago*

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I had the misfortune of being pregnant when I was young(er) and dumb(er). When I found out, I worked the overnight shift in fast food. One morning, I was pondering my future existance as a mother, freaking out and generally being hormonal.

So I'm standing at the counter, talking to my then BF, wondering about what I would possibly do if my baby was "born retarded", how I would cope with something that terrible. At that moment, my boss walks up behind me and taps my shoulder. She looks at me with this horrible sad and long look and says - "you just love them, that's all you can do".

It turns out that her youngest daughter was severely disabled. I almost choked on my tongue trying to apologize for being an insensitive bitch.

[–]sherlocktheholmes 47 points48 points ago

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To be fair, I don't blame you for wondering that; I'm sure every woman who suddenly finds herself unexpectedly pregnant wonders the same thing...

[–]strib666 56 points57 points ago

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To be fair, I don't blame you for wondering that; I'm sure every woman who suddenly finds herself unexpectedly pregnant wonders the same thing...

FTFY

[–]HP_Starcraft 240 points241 points ago

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I was on the bus with some friends, and we're talking about this episode of Maury. My friend does an impression of this one chick, going "FIVE HUNNID YEAS OF O-PRESSION"! A random black lady on the bus gives us a hard look and goes "If y'all got something to say to me, say it to my face".

[–]Jesus_Harold_Christ 49 points50 points ago

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Damn, she was about to get all Rosa Parks on your white asses! I mean, the violent version.

[–]docotis 52 points53 points ago

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She was going to sit on the front part of them?

[–]chops88 492 points493 points ago

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This actually happened during the first class I ever had in college. The class itself had about 15 other people and was a current events/debate type of class. My professor started out by bringing up a topic and then told us his opinion, which he asked someone to respond to. Since it was the first day, everyone was too shy and didn't talk so after about 15 seconds of awkward silence I said, "Yeah, well, you know, thats just like, uh, your opinion, man." Only one other person got the Big Lebowski reference and chuckled, whereas I got lectured on why that wasn't an intelligent response for 30 minutes after class.

TL;DR: Referenced The Big Lebowski to a group that wasn't familiar with the film

[–]whalersbeard 319 points320 points ago

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Jesus, do you go to the lamest college on the face of the planet?

[–]Doshibu 75 points76 points ago

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I believe that would be BYU, the worst party school in the naton.

[–]armper 351 points352 points ago

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I was sitting at IHOP drinking coffee with friends. I told them of a time where I was sitting in IHOP drinking coffee like we are now and said a joke about Native Americans. Turned out there was a family of native Americans behind me.

I joked and said that whenever I talk about Native Americans, there's one behind me. I went further and said "watch, I'll bet there's one behind me right now". I turned my head and sure enough..... goddammit. He heard everything and he even shook his head.

[–]mobius42 837 points838 points ago

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He heard everything and he even shook his head.

... while a single tear rolled down his face.

[–]professorpan 47 points48 points ago

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ಥ_ಠ

[–]whalersbeard 104 points105 points ago

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Upvoted because I'm laughing about the chris rock stand up bit about how Native Americans are the most screwed over race because you never see more than one of them at once.

[–]saxmyphone 194 points195 points ago*

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Freshman year of college for an April fools prank some friends wrote up a fake letter from the "diversity department" of our university saying that the recipient needed to attend some diversity training (it was basically calling them racist). We gave them out to two kids who'd said suspicious things before; one knew right away that we were pranking him and the other took it very seriously. Even after my friend basically told him it was a fraud.

This kid took the letter to his advisor, and then the search was on for who did it. After about a day, four of my friends got emails from this other guy's RA saying they needed to talk about the incident, and it is important to say that none of these four people took any part in it.

One of the four kids sent back a very vulgar email saying that he had nothing to do with it and so on. The RA sent an email back saying he was being inappropriate, and then he sent an email back calling the RA a racist because he was blaming a jew, an indian, a chinaman, and a mexican. None of the four of them heard any more about being responsible.

EDIT: Some of people have commented on the races I've named here and how I've named them, especially saying "chinaman". I know this isn't PC but that's exactly how my friend phrased it in the email, so I thought for authenticity's sake I'd share it the same way. Sorry if I've offended anyone!

[–]buddywonk 402 points403 points ago

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We used to play the exceptionally mature game of "Guy or Girl?" at my job. The rules were simple---we picked an androgynous-looking person in the vicinity and argued about their gender. We were working at a chain restaurant at the time, and the game was a fun way to get new hires introduced to the twisted, offensive sense of humor we all shared.

One day, we were playing Guy or Girl? with a patron of our establishment as the target, and casually walked up to the new guy to ask his opinion.

Us: "Is that a guy or girl out there?" New guy: "Which table?" Us: "Seventeen." New guy: "...That's my brother."

That game was never quite as fun after that day.

[–]Son_of_Kong 364 points365 points ago

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Reminds me of the "Girlfriend or Daughter" game when you see an older man at a restaurant with a younger woman.

[–]rdewalt 424 points425 points ago*

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AUGH! I cringed.

My wife has the "Fortune" of looking like she's 15. (Its not polite to give away her age, but she's not 15.) One evening when we were leaving a store, a lady who was selling items to raise funding for her church asked us to peruse their Jesus Gear. While not our thing, we politely declined. She then asked for a donation then. Well not a problem, if you ask polite, odds are you'll get whatever coins are in my pocket. Well, my wife dives her hand into my front pants pocket for change.

Church Lady near swats her with her rolled up paper akin to a puppy scold. "Do NOT treat your FATHER like that Young LADY."

To wit, my wife busted up laughing, and I felt even older. When my wife confessed her age, the woman looked like she was ready to curl up into her bonnet and hide from embarrassment.

Opposite side of this story. My wife, who still looks 15, and I have a year old daughter. Almost every time she goes out in public, she gets stares and glares from Those Who Scorn. Getting tutt-tutting words of "Ruined her life" as if my wife was a teenage mom.

Not a rare occasion. Happens at least once a week.

One of these days, my wife is going to snap, beat the (almost always) old bitter women with their own arms. (It will be the cutest rage ever.) So yeah, We are often the target of "Girlfriend or Daughter"

Which, when you are also hauling around a toddler, turns into "Husbamd, Wife and daughter?" "Dad and Sisters?" "Er...um... wtf?"

EDIT

With her permission, I'm including a picture, she's a little self conscious, but she consented to one; http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4105/5065872137_bdd74f7c37.jpg

For the record, she's 31. Really petite (5'1", size 12 kids jeans.) She said; "There is no way I can be 15, I think the 'Twilight' series is shit."

[–]davideo71 497 points498 points ago

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I think it might have been funnier if your wife just intimately kissed you in front of the church lady, telling her she'll earn those coins from daddy.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]hopstar 187 points188 points ago

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Oh my

For some reason I always mentally read that phrase in George Takei's voice.

[–]ijoinedforthis 165 points166 points ago

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Nice try, guy dating a fifteen year old.

[–]fermion72 39 points40 points ago

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A blessed-to-look-young friend of mine spent the first three months as a high school teacher being accosted by other faculty members who thought she was a student. Some times she'd play along (or not): Other teacher: "Hey, you! All students need to be at the assembly!" My friend: "Fuck that. I gotta go get my smoke on in the bathroom." Luckily most of the teachers had a good sense of humor about it once they knew she was a teacher.

[–]omgimsuchadork 15 points16 points ago

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I'm two years older than a ex-boyfriend of mine. I'm tiny, he's built like a fridge. When I was twenty, I looked twelve; when he was eighteen, he looked in his mid-thirties (facial hair does that, apparently). ... Yeah. Lots of stares and tut-tuts and "no, really, I'm older than him!"s.

[–]Laena_Lunulata 19 points20 points ago

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I get that all the time. I'm 20, look about 12, and once had a severe talking-to from a cop who thought I was a high school kid ditching class. I was filling up my car at a gas station next to the high school I used to attend, getting ready to drive back to my collage later that day. He thought my college ID was fake, and was suspicious of my driver's license. T__T

[–]TheLeaderIsGood 204 points205 points ago

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I like 'Pregnant or Fat?'.

[–]Grimsterr 263 points264 points ago

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That's when you turn the rest of the staff and go "GUY!! I WIN!"

[–]musicismath 16 points17 points ago

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Or "I guess we were all wrong."

[–]erauqssidlroweht 73 points74 points ago

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I've told this story before, but it's humourous, so I share again.

There was a hot girl in my CS class one year, and I wanted to meet her. So, I was quite pleasantly surprised when I found out that we had a few mutual friends (said friends all had girlfriends too, so no competition!). Well, one day we're standing around in the cs building when she walks up to us. It went something like this

Girl: "Oh hey [mutualfriend]"

MF: "Hey [girl], you weren't in class today!"

Girl: "Well I had to go to the doctor."

Now at this point, my idiotic socially retarded sense of humour kicked in, and so my first impression on this girl went something like this

Me: Feigning worry "Oh my god are you dying? Do you have cancer"

Girl: "Actually yes. Yes I do"

thirty second silence

Girl: "I have skin cancer. It's no big deal; I just have to have checkups every once in a while"

Needless to say, I'm still single

[–]omnilynx 118 points119 points ago

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You're in CS. This was probably the least awkward conversation she had all day.

[–]redditnub 1300 points1301 points ago

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My First Reddit Post

First day at my new high school (11th grade) - I changed the background on the library PC and the librarian asks me why. I replied, "It wasn't me, it was the one armed man!" - quoting Jim Carrey in The Mask who was quoting Harrison Ford from The Fugitive.

Turns out the IT guy only had one arm, and I totally threw him under the bus...

TLDR: I have no soul, I'm just a collection of movie quotes.

[–]XBleed 372 points373 points ago

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Wow, you do have no soul. Being thrown under a bus is exactly how he lost his arm in the first place..

[–]wallychamp 192 points193 points ago

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I thought it was when he forgot to leave a note.

[–]zissou19 89 points90 points ago

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And that's why you always leave a note.

[–]InfinitePower 653 points654 points ago

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What is a man? A miserable little pile of movie quotes.

[–]ShoesAreGrand 182 points183 points ago

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But enough posts, HAVE AT YOU!

[–]remmiz 361 points362 points ago

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I had been waiting in line for a single person bathroom at a city festival for a good 5 min. Finally a kid, about 11, walks out. As he walks out I jokingly ask him if he had fun rubbing one out in there. He gives me a weird look and I think nothing of it other than he has no idea what I just said.

As I am walking out of the bathroom, the kid, his parents and a police officer walk up to me and ask if I made a rude comment to the kid. Apparently the kid told his parents what I said and of course they went straight to the police officer and by the time I was being retold the story it sounded much, much worse than what had really happened.

They told me to leave the event and not to come back or they would arrest me.

tl;dr: Joke makes me look like a pedophile to police.

[–]utterpedant 448 points449 points ago

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"Look, officer. Calm down, it was a joke. All I did was ask the kid if he had fun rubbing one out in there."
...
"Rubbing one out, you know? Jacking off! I asked him if he had fun jacking off!"
...
"I was joking! I just asked him if he had fun masturbating. I asked him if he had fun! Like, if it felt good!"
...
"YES, if it felt good when that 11-year-old child stroked his penis! If his slight, lithe body shuddered with pleasure! If a gentle moan escaped his soft lips! If an inquisitive finger traced his tight little bottom! If a thin spurt of boycome sprayed up onto his still-hairless chin!"
...
"BECAUSE I WAS CURIOUS!"

[–]mikeyb1 88 points89 points ago

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Goddamn you, I have a meeting now.

[–]Kasyx 273 points274 points ago*

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Just tuck it under the waist-band of your trousers.

[–]utterpedant 58 points59 points ago

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waste-band

That's technically called a "shit-belt."

[–]guavainindia 643 points644 points ago

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My go-to line is this: Whenever anyone, regardless of gender, tells me they have big news I make a point to, with a bored but expectant look on my face say "You're pregnant?"

So, my friend and her husband are hanging out with me and my neighbor. Friend's husband says "We have some big news?"

I say "You're pregnant?"

Friend looks at husband and says "I fucking told you she'd ruin it"

I lauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughed and laughed and laughed.

[–]ggggbabybabybaby 453 points454 points ago

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I find the funniest thing about this line is when you really commit to it.

"Hey Dan, heard you had news! Are you pregnant?"

"No you idiot, I'm moving to Hawaii."

"Because of the pregnancy?"

"I put in a request to transfer to the regional office."

"Don't they have a lot of shellfish there? You can't eat that when you're pregnant."

"Paul helped get the papers approved and I got the good news last week."

"Is he the one that got you pregnant? Is he coming with you to Hawaii to help you with the pregnancy?"

etc.

[–]getwet 174 points175 points ago

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I like telling people that my pregnant friends are pregnant with twins. It really seems to press buttons. Hilarious for hours. And it's weird, you tell a stranger your friend is pregnant with twins, the stranger will latch onto the twins statement and not listen to the mother.

[–]DoctorMiracles 648 points649 points ago

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DAE started trying to make a 'bored but expectant' face upon reading this? :-/

[–]guavainindia 134 points135 points ago

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you know, kind of like when you're at work, nothing to do, boss comes in with what will most likely be an assignment. The look on your face that says "whatcha got for me there? You know, I really don't care, but you'd better tell me so we can both get this over with"

[–]ZanThrax 58 points59 points ago

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My overly excitable aunt showed up at my dorm apartment the day after my grandfather moved me in, looking upset about something. Assuming that she was being dramatic, I calmly asked "who died?" Not my finest moment.

[–]cpreg 42 points43 points ago

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I called my friend to let her know that my grandmother had just passed away. I guess I tend to text her more often than call, especially at night, so she answered the phone, "Oh my god, who died?" jokingly. I was all, "... Nanny." She felt terrible, but it actually did make me laugh a little.

[–]gtjtn 101 points102 points ago

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OMG I did this at Thanksgiving. I felt horrible because they wanted to make a toast and have an official announcement... because no one knew yet.

So I started telling everyone it was twins, so they could get twice the stuff at the shower and forgive me for ruining their surprise.

[–]sherlocktheholmes 42 points43 points ago

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This lie might be the start of the best scam ever.

[–]gtjtn 61 points62 points ago

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I know, because if they end up with only one at birth, no one will want to talk about it - one twin could have eaten the other!

[–]torbar203 37 points38 points ago

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When my mother was pregnant with me they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins, when they did another ultrasound a few weeks later they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this... no. I believe his tissue has made me stronger, I now have the strength of a grown man AND a little baby.

[–][deleted] 108 points109 points ago

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I met a kid in the ninth grade whose last name was Bean. It dawned on me that his dad would've been Mr. Bean, like the Rowan Atkinson Mr. Bean, and so I said this out loud a few times: "Your dad is Mr. Bean! Ha ha ha! Do you ever watch that old show with him? Mr. Bean!!"

Everyone just looked at me, because I guess was the only one who didn't know his dad had killed himself the week prior.

[–]penguinswithpie 227 points228 points ago

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An out of town friend came over for a party one evening back in high school. He was a bit of an asshole, so was shootin' the shit with this girl when she said something to him that made him reply "Haha you have dead parents" or something to that effect. It was a pretty long time ago and I was drunk. Anyway, the girl's father had murdered her mother and killed himself just a year prior to this. Everyone in the room stopped and stared and he had no idea what he did.

[–]chain_chomp_wrangler 46 points47 points ago

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I'm just wondering what someone would say that would make someone respond "Haha you have dead parents" without knowing that it was true.

[–]shokker 166 points167 points ago

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I was at a party, quite drunk, laughing and talking with some of my friends. Someone makes a Captain Planet joke and everyone shouts "Fire!" "Wind!" "Water!" "Heart!" and after a pause the last guy says "Earth!"

So I laugh and loudly say "Ha, nobody wanted to be the black one!"

...as my black friend is walking up behind me.

[–]zomgsauce 141 points142 points ago

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True story.

I had a few black friends in college who would comically overreact anytime I made some snide comment that had anything at all to do with race or color:

"Man, the sky sure is blue today."

"What? The sky can't be blue now? FUCK you racist!"

Shit like that. So one day we're all walking to class down a university street and I make a joke that sets them all off. They start chasing me down the street yelling things like "WHY YOU RUNNIN'?" and "WE GONNA GET YOU, CRACKA!"

Well, the university cop that patrols around campus was passing us in a squad car going the other direction. Dude pulled a sharp right and u-turned into the curb, flipped the lights and sirens and chased us all down. When he got out of the car he was PISSED and had his gun drawn, "HANDS IN THE AIR, NOW!" the whole shebang. I finally talked the cop out of arresting my friends but the fucker gave us all tickets for whatever the class c disorderly conduct citation is. We fought it and won because the guy didn't show up.

[–]Do_your_homework 156 points157 points ago

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Fucking.... Earth is first. God damn. No one wanted it because the douche who started took fire. Selfish jerk.

[–]LasertagSP 26 points27 points ago

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First week of freshman year, college. The school holds an event in the biggest hall on campus, and invites the entire incoming class. All my classmates for the next 4 years.

We're there for a "The Dating Game", the one where three single guys sit on one side of a curtain, and answer a girl's questions who can't see them. All the contestants are students.

The questions are lame: where would you take me on a date to really romance me? What's your favorite pickup line? etc.

Then, she asks: do your best impression of an NSync dance move.

So each dude has to get up, in front of the entire freshman class, and dance. Which, in my experience, is a huge embarrassment.

The nerdiest guy gets up, and proceeds to dance like something is wrong with his legs. He's completely putting himself out there, saying (through dance) that NSync is stupid and dances like idiots.

The room is silent. The guy is dancing like an idiot in total silence.

I start to laugh, and because I feel bad for the guy, I kinda up the laughter a little bit.

Still: nobody else is laughing.

I up the laughter even more, hoping that someone will join in, the guy doesn't deserve to dance like that in deafening silence.

Nobody laughs.

Later: the game is over, and the contestants walk off the stage. The guy I was supporting through laughter continues to walk like something is wrong with his legs, because something is wrong with his legs, and I was laughing at him in front of my entire class.

TL;DR I laughed at a handicapped guy in front of 500 people.

[–]katalyst23 124 points125 points ago

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Back in high school I had this friend Sean who loved to tell dead baby jokes. One time he was in the hospital (I think his dad had a heart attack or something), and he was sitting in the waiting room, telling dead baby jokes.

"How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? One, if you throw it hard enough. How do you keep a baby from crawling around in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor." etc etc.

At one point he turned to the guy next to him and asked him why he was in the waiting room. "My wife is having a miscarriage." They sat in silence for the rest of the night in the waiting room. Awkward.

[–]Enginerd 326 points327 points ago

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You don't need to be a rocket surgeon to know that dead baby jokes in a hospital are a prescription for a misfire.

[–]CitizenPremier 39 points40 points ago

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I would probably say that just to get you to shut up.

[–]spacekitteh 109 points110 points ago

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And the guy turned his back, sporting a giant troll face, and relished the newfound silence as he waited for the x-rays of his sprained wrist.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Uber_Nick 80 points81 points ago*

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In college, I'm flirting with a new girl who's in our dinner group, when she asks, "aren't you going to sit next to me?"

"No," I reply with a smirk, "you're kind of stinky."

Her: {shreiks}{sobbing}{runs off}

I find her to see what happened, and she can barely talk through the tears, "I'm sorry, but I was born without a sense of smell."

Whoops

[–]crocadoc 25 points26 points ago

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My friends mom had the same thing so we'd usually smoke blunts at their house

[–]mayoroftuesday 52 points53 points ago

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In 4th grade there was this girl I really liked. I wrote a dirty note to her and signed another guy's name as a practical joke. I thought it would be funny. I was 10, I didn't really know what I wrote meant. I got caught because I was laughing so hard. Almost got expelled, had to have "the talk" with parents, and now that I'm older I feel ashamed every time I think of it. She never talked to me again.

[–]Zarokima 44 points45 points ago

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How dirty?

[–]pstratigis 15 points16 points ago

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Went on a run with a group new group on a weekend vacation to Vermont. After the run, we all met at a bar. Ran into a cute girl who the rest of the group obviously knew. Introduced myself, asked her if she ever went on the runs. "Some day, maybe," was her response. To which I asked, "What, are you getting used to a fake leg or something?" She rolled up her pant leg, exposing a metal prosthetic.

[–]Neebat 17 points18 points ago

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Our workplace is pretty casual, with constant joking around and put downs and stuff. One day one of our coworkers came by that I hadn't seen in a while. He has a couple little bandages on his forehead, so, rather than staring at him awkward, I said something like, "Dude, what happened to your face!" Cancer it turns out. Melanoma.

Dude. That's not a fair comeback.

[–]mrekted 49 points50 points ago

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I can't believe that no one has mentioned that guy from a few years back with the friend that worked at an investment firm, and accidentally light two of his colleagues on fire in a prank gone wrong.

One death, one disfigurement, and 2 years in jail were the end results of that one.

Easily one of the most horrifying stories I've read on Reddit. And that's saying quite a bit.