What are your thoughts on the wedding-industrial complex?

poniesftw · 1 year

I hate the idea of big weddings. I've never known anyone to spend less than $15,000 on one. I'd rather get married by a justice of the peace and then buy a house. I tried to explain this to my ex and he refused. He wanted a big wedding. I tried to compromise- wedding on the beach with immediate family? We actually broke up over it.

shellar23 · 1 year

It's funny, I was just witness to a conversation the other day between two women going on and on and ON about weddings. Nothing but criticism, it was really beginning to piss me off. They were going on about how "cheap" one bride's dress looked, or how one girl (a brides maid at the event in question) had to pay for her own meal at one of the parties. "Aren't the groom's parents supposed to pay for it?" she asked. Well maybe the groom's parents didn't have the money to drop on your free loading ass! They placed so much emphasis on the things at the weddings I didn't get any impression of whether or not the bride and groom were happy. Isn't that the whole point of the day? They disgusted me, but at the same time also made me extremely insecure. There is a good chance that I will get married either in a public park or under my bf's parent's car port. My family is poor, his family is poor, and though he will be getting two bachelor's degrees in the next year and a half we will have student debt to worry about. Chances are we will use a free venue, have everyone bring a dish pot-luck style, and just throw a party. It concerns me that people would judge me for this, for being responsible and seeing to it that we take care of our debts instead of adding to them.

Sorry this turned into a rant, those two ladies just greatly disturbed me and I needed to vent.

nekoeth0 · 1 year

Use the money for your honeymoon (6 months perhaps?) and/or your house.

Rambis · 1 year

Weddings can be seriously expensive and the add-ons can pile up before you know it. My husband and I went to the courthouse with our parents and spent $60 there on a wedding certificate and our parents took us to lunch after the ceremony. We had the reception for the rest of our family and friends a month later at a local park, picnic style. We had about 80 people there and spent roughly $150 on food for everyone (typical picnic food and a huge cake). The rental of the park/pavilion was free b/c we lived in the county. I spent $50 on my dress and we got our rings online on sale (about $25 per ring). I would not have done a single thing differently.

My point: all weddings don't have to be glitzy, catered, 200 head count events.

zserf · 1 year

Followup: What are your thoughts on the military-wedding complex?

doublejay1999 · 1 year

Well, there's the nice simple price model. Prices start at $1000, and increase in units of $1000. That's universal. Across the board. Nothing costs less than $1000 dollars. If they tell you it will cost say , $1750, $1500 or whatever, they are lying and the bill, when you receive it, with be round up to nearest $1000. It's a funadmental law of the universe.

As for how much you should spend.....If you have one of those women who doesn't see that $25k will knock 5-10 years off your mortgage, or help you retire at 50 it's gonna be a tough sell to agree a practical budget.

If you have one of those women who do see it, but still want to spend it on playing fairy princess for a single day, you're fucked. Totally fucked.

It's a special day and you should treat it accordingly. The rings, the dress, the suits, the venue and family. Pretty much essential. Arriving on horseback in Versace silk to dine on caviar while being entertained by Elton John is not.

MuddieMaeSuggins · 1 year

This is an important test of your future relationship - can the two of you come to an agreement about your wedding that you are both mostly satisfied with? If not, seriously reconsider. Disagreement about how to spend money is often a source of conflict and eventually divorce. You do not want to find out that you and your wife are fundamentally mismatched in your approach to money several years down the line.

There are many ways to have an awesome wedding without copying directly from Modern Bride and spending the down payment on a house. The website "Offbeat Bride" is a good place to start.

Big_Yellow_Joint · 1 year

I'm planning a wedding and all of the bridal shops, magazines, sites, etc. piss me off. It seems like they push the same boring, expensive shit.

The best weddings that I've seen are the ones where people do what they want, and don't spend an extravagant amount of money. I'd rather spend my money on a kick-ass vacation to Europe or Thailand.

bubbal · 1 year

Some things are bullshit, like expensive diamonds and dresses, but remember, weddings often involve throwing a party for 200+ people. Even at a moderate catering cost of $50/head, that's $10,000. Add in alcohol (only classless fools don't have open bar), cake, a band, and you're looking at serious money.

olafthebent · 1 year

You have to accomodate the following... cost, people, venue.

Mrs. Olaf couldn't find a new dress she truely liked. Fortunately my Mom found a used dress (was only $400) that needed minor alterations in order to work perfectly. Wedding dresses get used only once so this made sense to me.

People: A wise man once said to me "Only invite the people you want to your wedding who you want to show up at your funeral." This was great advice when I went through my own wedding.

Venue: Find a place that will suit the size you want. 500 person weddings are nuts, rife with anxiety for all involved and generally (not always) not the "happy" affairs they're supposed to be. Not to mention expensive as Hell.

Personally, the only thing we wouldn't budge on was an open bar. We told the caterer there'd be Hell to pay if he ran out of booze.

AMerrickanGirl · 1 year

[deleted]

13374L · 1 year

The Mrs and I were married last summer in a fairly typical wedding, but we saved a lot of money by printing our own invitations, having a friend do our cake, making our own decorations, etc. Everything turned out amazing. I have a big extended family who had all attended a six-figure wedding the summer before. Everyone said ours was every bit as enjoyable for a fraction of the price. We also had an entirely non-religious ceremony.

The wedding-industrial complex is just a scam to take advantage of little girls dreams of big weddings. Brides and mothers of brides will spend any dollar amount on all sorts of crap because its for the wedding. "Anything for my daughter" seems to be the norm. Take any item - a ribbon, a flower, a dress, a meal - and mark wedding on it and you can instantly mark up the price by 200% or more.

FunGal_in_SoCal · 1 year

Aren't her parents paying? Seriously...You can go down the path of 'giving in' or 'compromising' or 'dictating'. The most desirable is 'compromise' as the other two require a winner and a loser. Personally, I hate the idea of people going into debt or spending money better used elsewhere (i.e. down payment on a house) for a Big Wedding.

SteveHoltish · 1 year

I'm getting married in a few months. My initial impulse was to scream "SCAMMERS ALL OF YOU, ROT IN HELL" after dealing with the wedding industry and their obscene markups + emotional manipulation, but then I realized that there was nothing I could do about it, and raging about the price would just ruin the day for everyone.

You will spend more money than you thought. Providing food and drink for 200 people will get expensive. If you are concerned about costs, talk about it with your fiance and reach a mutual understanding. Just don't go overboard. She's been anticipating and planning this wedding for quite some time, and is most likely under a fair amount of stress from family members to ensure that the ceremony is nice. Remember the ceremony isn't just for you, it's for your families and friends as well.

Hopefully you'll be able to reach a compromise, and everything will go smoothly. We were able to get a free DJ, a decent catering deal, one of our friends is the officiant (so that's free as well), a free wedding cake, a free wedding planner, and we're brewing our own beer/providing the booze. This has helped reduce the costs immensely, and we'll still have a decent wedding that will keep the families happy.

CampusTour · 1 year

Look, big weddings are not something Hallmark came up with. They're legit cultural traditions. The "wedding-industrial complex" you speak of is no different from any other industry that provides goods and services that people want.

As for what level of wedding extravagance you should go in for, you should get your bride whatever she wants if you can manage to afford it, even if you have to scrape a bit. Women tend to place a much different level of importance on these things. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just cultural.

Also, remember that you can spend money on basically two things outside of your essentials. Things, and Experiences. You're thinking in terms of things ("stuff I'm going to use/eat once."). You're not buying things when you have a wedding, you're buying an experience. Buy your girlfriend the best experience you can. If she's like a lot of people, this is one of the most important days of her life.

specialk16 · 1 year

Depends, I just don't care what people do or don't do with their money. I for one don't really want to get married. I'd rather just live with someone. Of course, chances are that someone will want to get married so I'll probably end up getting married anyways.

notjawn · 1 year

I think me an the missus are gonna do a small private ceremony then have a party for the reception later on. Just mostly because we don't want to have to wait around a church all day, be stressed about small details and have our parents running around fussing at caterers and florists :)

areReady · 1 year

I'm a celebrant, I've married 3 couples to this point. I think it's hilarious that I do the entire ceremony, sign the legal documents and, without me, there wouldn't be a marriage, but I'm quite possibly the cheapest part of the whole shebang at my base rate of $200.

CarpeNivem · 1 year

I'm getting married this October (eek! coming up quick!). Both the dress and the cake cost less than half of your quoted estimates, but not much. Weddings cost as much, or as little, as you want them to.

We are not a good example of a cheap wedding, but between ourselves and our parents, we do have the money, and I don't particularly mind spending it. It's going to be a great party.

We could've gone cheaper if we had wanted to, and we also could've gone grander - much, much grander - if we had wanted to do that instead. I do think we struck a pretty reasonable middle ground, but then, maybe everyone says that?

Edit to add: Since some are concerned only with cost as it relates to percentage of income, in the interest of full disclosure, our wedding has/will probably cost somewhere around a quarter of my bride's and my own combined annual income. Also, the split between our own own contributions toward that total and the help from our four parents is pretty even.

I've been managing to write checks to the DJ, liquor store, tuxedo shop, etc, gradually (one this month, another next) and thus far the only real crimp on my lifestyle is that I've been buying all of those services instead of new things, like electronics, car parts, and other "toys". This year has been all about the wedding, and while I do admit I've dipped into savings a little bit for it, I neither have, nor plan on, fully depleting savings, and if any step of the way meant going into actual debt, then that would be a step we wouldn't take. It's as simple as that.

If you have a problem with weddings so large it puts couples into debt, then I agree with you, however, I happen to feel exactly the same way about cars, so I really view that as an entirely different conversation, about debt, not about weddings. Now, if you still have a problem with expensive weddings that the couple and their families are able to afford... well... I guess it's a good thing you're not invited to ours (which really, I have to repeat, isn't even all that grand).

BitRex · 1 year

She's got the pussy, so she makes the rules.

If she thinks that stuff is wise, I'd think very carefully about whether she's right for you. I think it says a lot about a woman.

saintboniface · 1 year

I'm a woman, and I kind of like the whole old-timey concept of a wedding, where you wear your nicest dress (not necessarily white) and then throw a house party for your friends and family.

My only stipulations for my wedding are that it be held in October and that I can have daisies for my bouquet. I really don't understand wanting diamonds and a $10,000 dress- I'd rather spend that money on a kick-ass honeymoon or a house.

jkeegan123 · 1 year

Big wedding, little wedding, it's more about how the wedding is celebrated. If everyone is happy, and the wedding is nice enough that everyone will remember how wonderful it was, it's good enough. That doesn't have to be $200 per head, that could be just a nice catered event costing a few thousand dollars.

What makes these ultra-bridezilla weddings ridiculous is that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. Of all of the divorced people that I know, ALL of them had weddings that cost more than $50k. That's INSANE. A wedding is culturally supposed to be extravagant because it's joining 2 people, 2 families, and overdone because they want to pay homage to the events that will unfold from this union. At least, that's what's supposed to happen. I'm fine with a Godfather-Part-I wedding in the backyard with the entire family enjoying themselves genuinely. It doesn't have to be overdone to be great.

The WORST part about extravagant weddings are the girls that feel like they're getting cheated if they don't get one. A friend of mine had a $90k wedding with 300 people and they almost divorced 2 years later ... over constant fights over money and not being able to afford living where they live.

xmashatstand · 1 year

The only way I'm going all out on a wedding is if I'm making serious 'fuck you' money, I mean $300,000/year and up. I mean, if you're actually earning that kind of dough, who wouldn't like to have lavish celebration? I'd rather have a small beautiful ceremony with family and friends within our means (eat, drink, and celebrate, yay!). And if we can afford it later in life, I'd like to have a bitchin' anniversary party.

justpickaname · 1 year

The wedding myths that we are raised with destroy marriages and destroy lives.

Don't start your life with huge debt just to have a big party. If you have tons of disposable money, use it for a down-payment on a house, or feed some of the 26,000 children who die in poverty every day.

leaves4chonies · 1 year

After the experience I had as maid of honor at my sister's exorbitantly expensive wedding last year, I have absolutely no interest in having one like that for myself. It wasn't just the expense that bothered me (although I still cringe to think about how much my parents spent on the party) but that the whole experience was just so downright stressful for everything involved.

I read a great piece of advice from Miss Manners (I would certainly recommend the entire book http://books.wwnorton.com/books/978-0-393-06914-3/) that really stuck with me. She said basically, instead of making a budget and then making a guest list you should make your guest list and then your budget. Think of it this way: What's the point on setting a $10,000 budget if it will cause you to leave out important friends and relatives? Rather, make your list and if it turns out you can only afford to have a modest party with cake and punch, well that's just fine. Your friends won't mind and at least you'll be surrounded by all the important people in your life.

bobydt · 1 year

First, keep in mind that the industry is very good at making you feel that you deserve the most luxurious and expensive options available. Even my wife and I, who are not normally caught up by this sort of pressure, really found it difficult to keep ourselves in check (it's your special day, it only happens once in your life, blah blah blah). It is true that you want a wonderful, fun, memorable occasion, but most of the crap they want to sell you adds little to the experience. The best thing we ever did was to to write down the 3 most important things for our wedding and a budget before we even started looking seriously. For us it came down to family, food, and wine (we are foodies and wanted to share and amazing meal with our parents and family). If it is not is direct support of one of those things, then cut it. We had our wedding at a really nice restaurant, and kept it quite small (35 people) which allowed us to have an amazing meal and wine. Our "pastor" was my sister, my photographer was my other sister, my friend with similar taste in music and an ipod was "DJ", our "wedding cake" was homemade (which we had with fruits from our parent's gardens), our flowers came from a friends garden, etc. Not only did all these little things save thousands of dollars (we estimated $8k all said and done), they made the whole day so much more personal and fun.

TL;DR disregard industry, acquire memories.

Neo991lb · 1 year

My wife's (ex)-aunt told us we should have a glamorous wedding and just put it on a credit card. My wife and I resoundingly said "fuck, no".

We spent less than $500 having two receptions (most of which was spent on cakes)- we had decorations used or provided for us, we used friend or family sound systems, no liquor, local church hall for reception (free), friends of the family did cakes...

tl;dr: It's not about how nice, huge, expensive, etc. it is- it's about you and her and sharing it with those around you.

exit_unfair · 1 year

It's a big party to celebrate something awesome. If you have to the money to pay for something awesome (or parents that will!) then go for it. Have a blast. Get wasted. Dance the night away, etc.

If you have a tight budget though, you may need to talk to her about spending that much money!

AMerrickanGirl · 1 year

Personally, I would love to get married in a courthouse and have a crazy, amazing honeymoon (I hate being the center of attention/being in front of large groups, large parties/groups tire me out, and the thought of spending that much money on a party makes me ill), but my boyfriend kind of has his heart set on a big party.

I'm all for having a private ceremony and throwing a big party later, but I'm probably going to have major opposition from both families.

nunobo · 1 year

I see no reason to splurge like that on stuff I'm going to use/eat once. What's your opinion?

The wedding reception isn't really for you, its more for the friends and family in attendance. They came out to celebrate with you, so its your responsibility to show them a good time. Weddings are unfortunately expensive, especially when it comes to food and booze. Stuff like flowers, dresses/tux, rented venue, photographer, etc etc adds up too.

camalittle · 1 year

Her dad is paying for it. So enjoy it and let them do what they want.

AnnArchist · 1 year

You don't need a wedding/marriage to live together forever and be happy.

You know what 50 dollars per plate tastes like? Regret.

EthicalReasoning · 1 year

spending excessive amounts of money on a single day to impress others is retarded

pflynn · 1 year

As someone who makes their living off of people willing to sink absurd amounts of money into a single day event, I say spend away!

N8theGr8 · 1 year

My wife and I did most of the preparations ourselves for our wedding. We made the invitations, and made little souvenir type things that went on the tables at the reception (I don't remember what those were called). We hired someone from the local college to play "Here Comes the Bride" etc at the ceremony. My wife made her own dress, too, but that is beyond the skillset of most people. We also kept our guest list to about 100 close friends and family.

My point is, the wedding doesn't need to break your wallet. Now, if mommy and daddy are paying for it (ours weren't), then they're likely to be able to spend a lot more than you will. Just keep in mind if your parents start spending money on your wedding, they'll also be able to make a lot of input into the process as well.

SuperCoupe · 1 year

I just got married this past weekend, and the whole thing probably cost $1200 max.

We got married in the yard, with family.

I let every woman I've ever been with that you get ONE:

A) THE ring (that your friends salivate over)

B) THE wedding (that your friends salivate over)

C) THE house (again: that your friends salivate over)

Or a more sensible combination of any of the above.

This one (my wife) picked the house (C).

Everything leftover for the wedding (flowers, cleaning, food, clothes) goes right into re-use, I just had a chicken-patty that was leftover for lunch.

I know couples that are still paying off their wedding, more than 5 years later, you REALLY don't want to be in that position in a recession.

It will be a hard discussion (money-talks are always like that), but if you two can reach an accord on this, the only way you are staying together are any of the following:

1) Either of you is independently wealthy

2) Lottery winners

3) Old, sickly relatives and very few if no siblings

RosieMuffysticks · 1 year

My opinion is that you should have a simple wedding, put together by the two moms and any sisters.

Get an antique wedding set from the back counter of a pawnshop (the front counters are full of expensive, flashy, crappy stuff), and a plain band for yourself at Sears.

Have a big backyard barbecue/reception.

Spend the next seven years having children, buying a house, paying off cars, sterilization procedures, etcetera.

After you've been married for seven full years, plan a huge blowout marriage celebration. Both of you get into shape, go on vacation together for a week about two months before the big day, have the huge dress, the high-quality wedding jewelry, the big church rental and wedding mass, the band, the champagne.

I've seen so many 20K weddings last only six months. Seven years of wedded bliss..........now THAT is worth a 20K party!!!!!

breakbread · 1 year

Most couples end up spending far too much on what is essentially a grandiose formality. You're looking at $5k just on a dress and cake, plus another few thousand on everything else. You could probably pay a large portion of the cost of a new Civic or something, or put a down payment on a nice apartment.

mrsjonstewart · 1 year

The average American wedding is ~20,000, we spent ~8,000 plus honeymoon. We had 80 ppl, an open bar and carving/pasta stations, 5 different cakes. My dress cost $400, and his outfit was $70. We had the best day of our lives, and our friends and family still rave about it. It was laid-back, we had beautiful weather, and everyone had fun. You don't have to spend the money to make it look expensive, either. Be creative; have fun with it.

[deleted] · 1 year

Weddings don't bother so much as massively overblown weddings. They feel impersonal and wasteful.

What bothers me more is how so many women in the world feels like she needs a precious ring on her finger to be part of this whole tradition. The wedding ring industry is built out of no need whatsoever.

mrsnovember · 1 year

A lot of girls spend their whole lives planning out their weddings. She has seen a lot of movies and magazines dictating to her what she should and should not do. The most important thing is not to let her sudden excitement tarnish your relationship. She may seem like a materialistic bitch while planning, but she just wants to "do it up right". My ex-fiancee said a lot of nasty things to me when I would get excited over little things like the tablecloths etc and it ruined the process (we broke up early in the engagement).

Just try and gently keep her in check.

jezustits · 1 year

The wedding industry is based on female fear of social pressure and has nothing to do with practicality or your personal wishes. See also, the baby product industry.

bearmace · 1 year

It provides for excellently terrible realty tv.

Robert_Arctor · 1 year

It doesn't have anything to do with ugly people like me! Guess I dodged that bullet.

pojodojo · 1 year

My mom and step-dad just had their wedding. They brought their lawyer to the city clerk, got the marriage license, and were married. Then a couple weeks later they rented a big paddle boat on this river, and with about 50 close family and friends, had dinner and a party on the boat. The biggest cost besides the boat was the kegs of beer.

It was the best wedding I've ever been to.

olopua · 1 year

A tip from friends who got married: When you ask for quotes on food, music, location, etc, you get better rates if you say it's for a "family reunion" instead of a "wedding".

rollergirl · 1 year

I would encourage you to read through some of the older posts at A Practical Wedding. The process of planning a wedding, in regards to not just finances but also details, is good practice for actually being married. You will need to find solutions that work for both of you, whatever your tastes or expectations may be.

imgabe · 1 year

I see no reason to splurge like that on stuff I'm going to use/eat once.

Just how much would you pay for food that you can eat twice?

phobos2deimos · 1 year

I've seen a whole, whole lot of weddings from working in audiovisual.
The breakdown:
Things people won't remember:
$3000 dress
$2000 cake
Table gifts for each attendee at $3/each
Gigantic flower assemblies at all entrances, tables, and bars
Huge catering feast

You don't need to invite 200 people. 80% of your attendees will not be impacted by the wedding as much as you will be impacted by the bill. This will affect catering, alcohol, room rental, room setup, A/V, and decoration costs hugely.

The room will be fairly dim since it's a party. This means flowers and many other decorations won't be a focal point. Uplights with colored gels are the most cost-effective way to set the mood and transform a room.
You could do a slideshow or video show, but then you're looking at costs for projector, screen, LCD cart, PA plugin, a DI box, and possibly a small mixer. That can hit $1500 rental costs at any non-ghetto hotel almost instantly.
Get white tablecloths with a very small (three flowers, no ornaments) floral arrangement in a simple glass vase. (Family can DIY rather tha pay a florist)
Don't provide cameras - everyone has digitals anyways.
Get simple white chair covers with a bow across it in the wedding colors.
Get a simple dress that she falls in love with. She's still gotta feel like she looks great.
Splurge on hair/nails/makeup - same idea.
Along with the uplights/gels, a source4 spotlight with a nice foil that says names/intials/whatever looks great an adds atmosphere.
A DJ is a good idea. A band also works, depends on your audience.
Mid/low price ice sculptures never look cool in person, unless it's just initials.
I'd have a small, nice cake for the cutting. Nice lighting, rose petals, etc. can make it very classy. The groom, wife, groomsmen, and bridesmaids can eat some (basically your head table). The rest of the audience could then be served either sheet cake in the same color, or some other dessert.

bippodotta · 1 year

This is not a time or place for rational argument. Try it, but don't expect much.

lidko · 1 year

Two years ago, our wedding cost $5k. Keep the group small; We invited immediate family, Grandparents, Aunts/Uncles (diplomatic invite cutoff), and a very small group of friends. Keep your wedding party tiny, 1 person each, plus flower girl & ring bearer. Pick a countryside venue which has Inns or B&B's nearby; nice wedding spaces are cheaper the more rural you go, and some old-school Christian Camps (Lutherans, Catholics) have large facilities & nice grounds for cheap, and they will allow alcohol so you can stock your own self-serve bar (or have a buddy work the bar). Shop VFW's for the best caterer (also cheap but can be very good). Jazz trios are CHEAP & classy, don't get a DJ egomaniac. Outdoor tents are inexpensive to rent, and can be canceled at reduced expenses if the weather turns out well. Buy yourself a dark tailored suit, Black tie is way overrated, looks cheap, and is just a hassle; dress it up with a nice tie/cravat in the wedding colors, shirt w/ french cuffs, and flowes. Non-diamond natural gems (or no gems at all) make nice wedding rings (diamonds are cruel anyway, right?). Have portable stereo plastic cups stashed for late-night party backup. Extra leftover cash? --Hire a clean-up crew, maybe rent a van & driver for drinkers. Persuade some friends to help decorate.

Nice, small wedding > expensive, trying-too-hard wedding. So, Go rural, Control the booze, control caterer choice, Bands can be cheap, Control catering costs via: smaller invited group (which also expands venue options) and by using VFW's or the like. Another cheap way is to go completely non-tradit with a bizarre all-out private dinner party.

damien6 · 1 year

My wife and I went to a judge's house. Cost me $100 and we were done in less than an hour.

JimmyJamesMac · 1 year

Throw the wedding you want to have, not the one that everybody expects. Make it personal and along the lines of your personalities. To keep the price down consider having it catered by a vending truck even. Keep in mind that not every wedding has to be epic and blow everybody's minds either. Every year they get more and more outrageous as if getting married were some sort of competition.

LessThanIdeal · 1 year

Part of the problem here is that people don't have a guideline for what the wedding should cost (rings, for example are supposed to cost 2 months salary). The other part of the problem is that women have a vision of their wedding day in their minds and it's put there way before they mature into women, there's no chance a guy is going to change it after he meets them.

I did something in the middle. I had a small ceremony, and then we had the "reception" at a restaurant on our 1 year anniversary. I spent a reasonable amount of money on renting the room, the food and the champagne for the toast (I didn't have an open bar, if you want to get hammered, you have to pay). It was a great affair with great memories attached to it. Even though I spent a year after that getting a refund from the cake guy because we had to adjust the cake size (2 weeks notice before the event, he said he would refund whatever the difference was).

MrSpaceYeti · 1 year

Yeah it's nice to have a wedding and all but if you took all that money and put it in to a honeymoon OR retirement fund you'd be a LOT better off in the long run. 'Specially if the marriage doesn't last.

PeterArching · 1 year

My girlfriend and I are heading our way towards engagement...What's your opinion?

IT'S A TRAP!

moratnz · 1 year

Lmao, you got a world of hurt ahead of you.

Any sort of professional photographer will cost a grand or more, for starters.

Catering can run from 20-infinity dollars per guest. Let's say you do it somewhere 'cheap' that comes out to $30 per guest. 100 guests (small by many people's standards) = 3k in just food alone. Then you have booze on top of that. If you want to pay for your guests alcohol (the true mark of any wedding really), that can run 2 or 3 bucks per glass of wine/bottle of beer. Assume half (small estimate) drink 5 drinks and you got over $600 for just alcohol easily (and only half drinking is pretty low-balled estimate). Then a dress. Tuxes for you and groomsmen. Gifts. Lodging for family. On and on and on and on.

If she is one of the girls looking forward to an expensive wedding, you got a real hell of struggle ahead of you. You won't change her mind. She's been thinking about this since she was a little girl. If you think some silly 'reasonable' argument is going to make her perk up and say 'huh, I never thought of it like that!', you will likely be disappointed.

Good luck. Try to make her father pay for it.

maloney7 · 1 year

Why would anyone in their right mind want to get married?

[deleted] · 1 year

It's all absurd. As soon as you say wedding, the price goes up times 10!

My husband and I got married for $28. The cost of the marriage license. Got married at the courthouse, for free. No rings. Each wore clothes we already owned, then had dinner with 20 friends at a favorite restaurant that closed shop for the occasion. Our friends paid for their own dinners, and treated us to ours. It was perfect and I will most certainly always remember it. Despite not having spent $30,000 or having a poofy dress or a giant diamond.

I hope you two can find a middle ground on the event and spend the extra money on something long lasting.

moratnz · 1 year

Some of the ludicrous expense associated with weddings is just charging what the traffic will bear. But a fair chunk is because wedding vendors have to deal with bridezilla types; a catering oppsie that under other circumstances would be dealt with with an apology, and possibly a discount on the bill becomes the stuff of screaming rants and threats of lawsuits.

My wedding cost much more than I was comfortable with, but my wife's parents (well, my wife and her mother... I found the whole process hilarious as far as rolling out the cliches (right down to my best man getting jumped by one of the bridesmaids)) wanted it that way, and they were paying, so I didn't feel like I could push my objections too far.

Tl;dr - it's an incredibly emotionally charged issue; don't pay for more than you want, but if other people are paying (and can afford it), just roll with it.

caleeky · 1 year

I'm actually in the last week of planning my wedding. I'm 29 and have been with my girl for 11 or 12 years now (lived with for 10). We're overall shunning the traditional process.

We've been to a number of weddings and were impressed only with one - in Guatemala while on a charity mission we were invited to a wedding. It was held in an old church in Antigua. A random stray dog was walking down the aisle during the ceremony. Then the reception was at a private residence (swank) with a bottle of high end scotch on every table and great food. The rest of them were your standard church ceremony, sit-down dinner reception with mediocre food, cash bar, etc. It's insanely expensive to do much more than that when you're renting a hall or having it hosted by a restaurant. I don't mean at all to insult the people whose weddings those were; I just mean to say that the ability to execute on the traditional wedding formula is greatly constrained by financial means; the value, recognition and celebration of their marriage is totally independent.

So, we're having a short private ceremony in my parents' back yard (garden) and then going out for dinner. Attendance will be about 15 people. No expensive dress. Just a few hundred bucks for the officiant and paperwork. Rings are the biggest expense since we went for antique ones and my fiancé wanted a diamond one (no engagement ring).

The next day, it's party time. We'll have about 75 people at my parents' house (it's big enough), open bar, lots of food (some of it catered). Because it's a private residence the food and booze is relatively cheap. We avoid inflicting the ceremony on everyone and don't have to cram everything into one day of activity.

Total cost for the whole shebang should be around $6k, including rings, paperwork, etc.

The biggest thing is that everyone has been super supportive, including my fiancé's side of the family who's a bit more traditional than mine.

I think everyone getting married should seriously think about 1) what they really want (if you're not sure about the traditional formula, do something different), 2) be realistic about spending. A lot of people spend tens of thousands, which would make a great down payment on a house and would put a big dent in most people's finances for years, especially when you're just starting out.

TL, DR: I have huge respect for people who break the mold (if the want to) and live within their means (without being resentful about it).

whatdoisaynow · 1 year

Here's a question: Do you want a wedding or do you want a marriage? If it's the latter then it only needs to cost you the price of registry office service, a couple of new outfits and perhaps a slap-up meal afterwards to celebrate. Then have a party or go to the pub with all your mates and then enjoy a long and happy life together. If it's the former, spend 30k plus on a day, enjoy a huge amount of stress and oblige all your friends and family to spend money attending your wedding and giving you lavish gifts to recompense the overpriced chicken dinner you serve them. Marriage is about commitment and love; weddings are an industry.

xmashamm · 1 year

Weddings are obnoxiously sexist, as is marriage. No need to arbitrarily add an antiquated religious label to your relationship.

wiseleyb · 1 year

weddings are ridiculous, the whole concept is comically stupid.

ewingfield · 1 year

I want my wedding to go something like this:

Convince girlfriend to go to Las Vegas

Get really drunk and go to a wedding chapel

Wake up the next morning with a marriage cert and be done with it.

Grimalkin · 1 year

I've never heard anything good about anything with '-industrial complex' in the description. This is no exception.

Give them as little of your money as possible.

DeepThought6 · 1 year

I'm with you.

nalf38 · 1 year

Useless. A wedding is not a marriage. And---no offense here, honestly---if you go the expensive route, you're likely to still be paying for it even after you're divorced.

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