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[–]lp12841 163 points164 points ago

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Cancer Free!

[–]FadieZ 30 points31 points ago

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Holy shit, congrats!

[–]doctorcrass 45 points46 points ago

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He meant, he got cancer for free. However, it came bundled in the super pack with dyslexia.

[–]xtirpation 10 points11 points ago

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Many of us are cancer-free.

[–]lp12841 6 points7 points ago

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Thank you. 8 Weeks ago I didn't know I was sick, Now I'm recovering from surury and the lab reports are looking like it's all gone.

[–]themastersb 5 points6 points ago

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I am also cancer free, but I have been for as long as I remember so I don't really think I'll use those two words to describe my week.

[–]lp12841 5 points6 points ago

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8 Weeks ago I didn't know I was sick, Now I'm recovering from surgery and the lab reports are looking like it's all gone.

[–]kikikhan 4 points5 points ago

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Congrats! I have the opposite issue. Two words for my week, cancer's back.

[–]mitzman 35 points36 points ago

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Getting married

[–]Arizona_Bay 6 points7 points ago

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see "KuchDaddy"

[–]glorysk87 58 points59 points ago

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Fucking shitty.

[–]Azured 41 points42 points ago

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She sounds classy.

[–]KoalaBomb 12 points13 points ago

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Shitty enjoys long walks on the beach and throwing cats at neighborhood kids

[–]chibigoten 55 points56 points ago

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Jack Daniels

[–]JackDanielsMD 22 points23 points ago

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I approve.

[–]jus2kwik 2 points3 points ago

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Buffalo Trace

[–]gaviaimmer 4 points5 points ago

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Wild Turkey

[–]ThreeWordAnswer 147 points148 points ago

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Can't do it.

[–]FalseAccountDuration 17 points18 points ago

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redditor for 5 hours

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Close enough.

[–]old_po_blu_collar 24 points25 points ago

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boss vacating. :)

[–]myrridin 5 points6 points ago

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same here :-)

[–]mmmyerss 130 points131 points ago

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ridiculously happy

(im a new daddy this week)

[–]DFA831 37 points38 points ago* 

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'New Dad' Would have been acceptable

edit: congrats btw!

[–]Inappropriate_guy 7 points8 points ago

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Why the congrats? he just fucked his girl.

I can fuck his girl too.

[–]Inappropriate_Remark 7 points8 points ago

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Yeah, but he's not impotent like the rest of us.

[–]Inappropriate_guy 4 points5 points ago

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Word.

[–]TastyCake 4 points5 points ago

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Also would have accepted "Goodbye sleep"

[–]splattypus 2 points3 points ago

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congrats

[–]NonsensicalAnalogy 86 points87 points ago

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Like sarcoidosis.

[–]KoalaBomb 45 points46 points ago

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A two word nonsensical analogy?!

Scribbles on pad and raises it above head
9.6!

[–]ggggbabybabybaby 14 points15 points ago

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Fine. Check for sarcoidosis. But while you're doing that, run tests for lupus as well.

[–]jriggs 100 points101 points ago

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dun goofed

[–]IPv8 34 points35 points ago

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Consequences Different

[–]ladydean 14 points15 points ago

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Cyber police.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

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Emotional breakdown

[–]dlip 20 points21 points ago

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groundhog day

[–]kopsy 91 points92 points ago

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Seven days

[–]The_Movie 212 points213 points ago

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*Kopsy thought he was just an ordinary guy *

He designed websites for a living, and was beginning to turn his life around ... Until one day...

... he would be offered a job he could not refuse

Coming Soon

** A deadline that you would not want to miss **

★★★★☆ - New York Times
"gripping, dynamic, thrilling"

The clock is ticking...

S E V E N . D A Y S

[–]Azured 83 points84 points ago

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You have just earned an honorary degree in Reddit formatting.

[–]flossdaily 40 points41 points ago

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Achievement unlocked.

[–]KoalaBomb 3 points4 points ago

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Visual Intonation 50kp

[–]aintreddit 2 points3 points ago

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**DKP

[–]yourownstory 14 points15 points ago

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The_Movie couldn't believe what was happening to him. One second he's filming his nature documentary in Captree State Park, and the next he's running for his life down a river bank. He can still hear the men yelling orders behind him, but he knows what would happen if he stopped. And he wasn't going to let that happen. What he got on camera was his golden ticket out of the marshes and into the big leagues. It didn't matter who he was anymore. He was going to be somebody.

That is, if he made it out of the woods in one piece. Trying hard not to trip or get his camera wet, he makes a mad dash across a shallow bend of the river, praying that the highway was close by. If he could just get to someone...

thwip...thwip....thwipthwipthwip

What the hell! They were shooting at him, which meant that they were getting closer. He scrambles to the other side of the bank with renewed vigor, diving into the dense foliage. He had never had to run for his life before, and was amazed at how badly he pushed himself forward. Certain that if he could just make it out of there, within a week his name will be on the lips of every news anchor in America.

More gunshots, but this time they were farther away. He seems to be losing them, but he doesn't dare slow down. Those men back there would kill for what he saw them do, especially if what they said about Senator Schumer was right.

The ground suddenly disappears beneath him, and The_Movie goes tumbling. A half-second later, he slams into the ground at the bottom of a ditch. Although disoriented, he realizes that he's made it to the highway. Getting up, he runs down the road, surprised by the amount of pain shooting up his right leg. That doesn't matter know, however, as a pick-up truck appears around the bend about 300 yards away. Suddenly, he hears the screams.

"There! Go! Go! Go!"

The men in suits were farther down the road behind him. How far down he couldn't exactly say, since he had already started running even faster, ignoring the hot pain shooting up and down his leg. The_Movie waves his hands frantically, trying to flag down the truck before the men would be able to shoot. As the driver sees him and slows down, he starts to hear the familiar thwips of the bullets as they zip past and char the air around him. Just a few more feet and he'll be in the cab and racing out of there...

This was either going to be the best or worst day of his life.

[–]Ardentfrost 2 points3 points ago

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Only three comments, but so far I'm liking this vanity account.

[–]bechus 2 points3 points ago

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I knew I shouldn't have watched that tape!

[–]KuchDaddy 55 points56 points ago

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No sex.

[–]BigRed533 11 points12 points ago

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That would be my two word description for the last month and a half

[–]chimpastronaut 40 points41 points ago

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or my entire life

[–]kevin24lg 2 points3 points ago

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Sorry chimp....no sex in outer space :(

[–]FadieZ 4 points5 points ago

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No, sex!

[–]Fizz-ix 2 points3 points ago

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No, money down!

[–]HunterIrked 3 points4 points ago

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Works on contingency?

[–]Funkyy 70 points71 points ago

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Successful Slacking

[–]The_Movie 140 points141 points ago* 

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*When an electrical storm hit Funkyy's television on one fateful night, his apathy transformed into... *telepathy **

"I'm hearing voices in my head! I think I'm going crazy!"

** His talent earned him fame and riches... **

"I'm famous and rich!"

** But he was about to find out... **

"I'm about to find out!"

** ...Success was not quite what he expected **

"Make love to me, Funkyy!"
"No me, make love to me!" "Funkkkkyyyyyyyy!"
"Funkky, the President requests you leave congress. You are just too lazy"
"Duuuuuude"

The Feel-Good comedy of the Year

EDDIE MURPHY
MICHAEL CAINE
JESSICA ALBA
& introducing,

FUNKYY

Out Now, on Blu-Ray and DVD

★★★☆☆ - Time Out Magazine
"Meh!!"

Sometimes you just gotta slack off!

Successful Slacking!!

[–]Tickthokk 54 points55 points ago

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"Meh!!"

Comedy gold. I laughed until I stopped.

[–]AshVillian 2 points3 points ago

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Well, that is as good a time as any to stop.

[–]cannabliss 4 points5 points ago

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A+++

WOULD WATCH AGAIN

[–]Funkyy 5 points6 points ago

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Please say Jessica Alba is the love interest.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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I can't, my abdomen just got a workout.

You sir are genius!

[–]Azured 6 points7 points ago

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I'd watch it.

[–]thekronz 16 points17 points ago

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Nothing accomplished.

[–]dontalk2yourself 17 points18 points ago

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Almost Orgy

[–]refrigeratorbob 19 points20 points ago

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Horseshoes handgrenades

[–]justaredherring 31 points32 points ago

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Still lonely.

[–]Zerockas 11 points12 points ago

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DERP DERP

[–]Darrian 12 points13 points ago

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Alien Swarm

[–]Budddy 11 points12 points ago

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Reddit procrastination

[–]orcdork 23 points24 points ago

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work work (peon voice)

[–]myrridin 12 points13 points ago

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okie dokie work complete QUIT POKING ME!

[–]doctorcrass 5 points6 points ago

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Something need doing?

[–]AtomicDog1471 2 points3 points ago

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Zug zug

[–]swerdna 4 points5 points ago

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FOR THE HORDE.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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Fucking idiots.

[–]Arizona_Bay 5 points6 points ago

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They are easier to seduce, aren't they.

[–]Belloq 7 points8 points ago

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Shit's broken

[–]PokemonTrainer 26 points27 points ago

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Full Retard

[–]KoalaBomb 10 points11 points ago

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You caught a Magikarp?

[–]Sushiman 14 points15 points ago

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Cleaning Poo. (it's what I do)

[–]twentyseventy 8 points9 points ago

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It seems you rhyme too

[–]lightslash53 6 points7 points ago

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could it be true?

[–]Liberalguy123 7 points8 points ago

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comic-con

[–]Whiskey_Tango 14 points15 points ago

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 ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄ ▄▄▄▄▄ ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄ 
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 █ ███ █ ▄▀ ▀█ █ ███ █ 
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 ▄▄▄  ▄▄ ████▄▄▄▄▄  ▄▄ 
  ▀█▄  ▄███▄  ▄ ▀███ █ 
 ▀▄█▀▄█▄▄█   ▀█ ▄▄█ ▄█ 
 ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄ ▀▄ ▄▄▀▀▄█▀▀ ▄ 
 █ ▄▄▄ █ ▀▄█▄ ▀ █ █    
 █ ███ █ ▄▀▄ █▀▄▀█▀▀▄▄ 
 █▄▄▄▄▄█ █▀▀▀██  ▄█  ▄ 

[–]c0m4 5 points6 points ago

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There there... upvoted for making me parse qrcodes while drunk

[–]Wulfay 3 points4 points ago

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Upvoted for giving me keywords to google, and subsequently decipher the bloody code .

[–]themastersb 5 points6 points ago

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You made me pull out my phone. That's bloody rough.

[–]munchbard 6 points7 points ago

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Alien Swarm

[–]randominality 7 points8 points ago

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Ants, EVERYWHERE!

[–]chongochingi 4 points5 points ago

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New baby

[–]r-r-roll 7 points8 points ago

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Japan rocks.

[–]23flavors 5 points6 points ago

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Wage slave.

[–]Flamanator 6 points7 points ago

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Fucking Classy.

[–]Grindylol 6 points7 points ago

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now hired!

[–]ZachPruckowski 2 points3 points ago

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Me Too!

[–]SpookyFox 4 points5 points ago

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Drain circling.

[–]p1nkfl0yd1an 4 points5 points ago

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Furious Masturbation

[–]GraemeStanding 4 points5 points ago

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Almost over

[–]comicalZombie 2 points3 points ago

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hot, humid

[–]flossdaily 17 points18 points ago

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Doesn't Exist.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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FlossDaily!

[–]muzaki 8 points9 points ago

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She squirts! :D

[–]FrankieBones 9 points10 points ago

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drunken haze.

[–]kmad 5 points6 points ago

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I prefer Jenna haze

[–]randomusername4 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Nothing happened.

[–]hmchl 4 points5 points ago

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Bonus received

[–]sudored 4 points5 points ago

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Fuck it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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FUCKING HOT

[–]Prof_H_J_Farnsworth 3 points4 points ago

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Oh my...

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

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In love.

[–]macroman 6 points7 points ago

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AWWWwwwwww

Your username reminds me of kissing my girlfriend in Greenwich Park (London) taking shelter in the food market when it was raining and sunny at the same time.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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AWWWWWWWWWW!!! I chose this name specifically because I love kissing in the rain and I love the rain. So it's a success :D

[–]macroman 4 points5 points ago

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You're lovely you.

[–]theblackedahlia 6 points7 points ago

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EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

[–]Ekorn 20 points21 points ago* 

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reallygreatbecausemygirlfriendandihavelotsofsexandshebakescupcakesformeandgivesmebj'swhileiplaymodernwarfare . boner

[–]meowskies 12 points13 points ago

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That is so romantic.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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where is the second word?

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

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I think you meant "Where the fuck is the second goddamn word, shithead?"

[–]akinder 9 points10 points ago

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It's... it's down there somewhere, let me take another look

[–]LejaBeatz 2 points3 points ago

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too long

[–]CyberianSun 2 points3 points ago

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Was Meh

[–]justinkimball 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

New kid.

[–]Dermisgermis 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Automobile Goatse'd

[–]Phrankus 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Rastafarian Consultation.

[–]arglebargle_IV 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Discouraging. Over.

[–]sirernestshackleton 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Need beer.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Travelling lots.

[–]cookielikechips 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

stinky farts

[–]osama_bin_awesome 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

balls deep

[–]PeriodBlood 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

KILL ME

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Pissing blood

[–]flameofmiztli 1 point2 points ago

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Tooth extraction.

[–]celesfar 1 point2 points ago

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"Somehow hopeful."

edit: maybe I owe an explanation. I'm planning on moving out of the country some time, but have been unable to for two years. Now, it suddenly seems so simple again. Also looking forward to my holiday(s).

And I've been less cynical than usual.

[–]pics-or-didnt-happen 1 point2 points ago

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Not over.

[–]asahere 1 point2 points ago

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No AIDS.

[–]biologynerd 1 point2 points ago

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Never-ending cataloging

Does that count?

[–]rowing4thedevil 1 point2 points ago

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government job

[–]gijyun 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Double rainbow!

[–]revision 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Red Team

[–]nailz1000 1 point2 points ago

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Fuck this.

[–]AxiomShell 1 point2 points ago

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Emotional rollercoaster

[–]AuntieSocial 1 point2 points ago

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Not bad.

[–]kittybear 1 point2 points ago

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kidney stone

[–]krusaderkris 1 point2 points ago

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Overwhelming win (passed my full motorcycle test on Tuesday, then the next day graduated from University)

[–]Dodged 1 point2 points ago

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Don't work

[–]Petree53 1 point2 points ago

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Shit Tay

crazy busy at work. wife is starting her time and hormonal and i got a speeding ticket on my way to work doing 84 and just barely outpacing the car to the right of me. and i have to work tomorrow. FTW <- Fuck This Week

[–]EngiWannabe 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

back together.

[–]weldinparsley 1 point2 points ago

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confused love

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

She left.

[–]robot_one 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Twenty one.

[–]ichibon 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

friend died

[–]save_rambo 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Reddit Rocks

[–]bigstevec 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Got promoted!

[–]knoxvomica 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Full Penetration

[–]famousdave 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Quit Smoking

[–]rockinchizel 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Asshole Boss

[–]wolftrouble 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Three way.

[–]OGMaverick 1 point2 points ago

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Ass & Titties

[–]13xforever 1 point2 points ago

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Friday already?

[–]mindaika 1 point2 points ago

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Reddit, bitches.

[–]BeJeezus 1 point2 points ago

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Mine: Gloriously satisfying

posted by muffdyvr

Well, hell. If that was my job...

[–]citroid 1 point2 points ago

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poison ivy

[–]g4mm4 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Fuck customers.

[–]hsthompson 1 point2 points ago

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Las Vegas

[–]wonderbreadz 1 point2 points ago

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Walked heaps. (Went to Sydney with a friend to meet a friend, got dragged [I lie, I enjoyed it] around everywhere)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago* 

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Trippin' balls.

[–]Julian1986 1 point2 points ago* 

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Average interview

Update: WOOOOOOO GOT A SECOND INTERVIEW. I AM GOING CORPORATE BITCHES!

[–]CaffiendCA 1 point2 points ago

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Awaiting joblessness.

My company was sold, and will transfer our assets on or about the end of next month. No one has much to do.

[–]rook24v 1 point2 points ago

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worst ever.

(I'm not joking. my car was totaled this week, someone rear ended me. Now I have back and neck pain and my beloved car is totaled. I say worst week because I've been blessed in my life, this is honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It pales in comparison to some people who have had far more serious problems in their lives, but I am very fortunate to have skated by through life with very little going wrong and very little bad happening to me. The fact that this is the worst thing to ever happen to me throws that into the light).

[–]TugboatAnchor 1 point2 points ago

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Urgent monotony.

[–]okawei 1 point2 points ago

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It's Friday?

[–]Ihearthuckabees 1 point2 points ago

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officially over

[–]shitsandwitch 1 point2 points ago

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No sleep

[–]availle 1 point2 points ago

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Last Exam

(for the semester. Still, wheeeeee!)

[–]littlefawn 1 point2 points ago

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Miss him.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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i quit

[–]princessarah 1 point2 points ago

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DUN GOOFED.

[–]BoredofBS 1 point2 points ago

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New Job

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Fighting infections.

[–]bethhaught 1 point2 points ago

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lugubriously blue

[–]blu3ninja 1 point2 points ago

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I'm tired

[–]TheTreeMan 1 point2 points ago

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Did nothing...

[–]Libertarian-Centrist 1 point2 points ago

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Two-week-notice submitted

[–]lovelysyrinx 1 point2 points ago

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nervous successes.

[–]fraubot 1 point2 points ago

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Not muff-diving

[–]tainaan 1 point2 points ago

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Fuck this

[–]splattypus 1 point2 points ago

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168 hours.

mind numbing.

rather frustrating.

i could keep going of you wanted

[–]Wumba_C 1 point2 points ago

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fuck you!

[–]IntercostalClavical 1 point2 points ago

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Same shit.

[–]Hodan 1 point2 points ago

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Booooooooooooooooooo ring.

[–]reticulatedspline 1 point2 points ago

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backwards progress

[–]jammies 1 point2 points ago

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Guitar Center.

[–]unmoderated 1 point2 points ago

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oh crap

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Fuck fest. _^

[–]lanismycousin 2 points3 points ago

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My hero

[–]KnightKrawler 1 point2 points ago

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Tuesday=Monday

[–]placeholder 1 point2 points ago

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Shit. Fuck.

[–]carolmisme 1 point2 points ago

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Utterly Fantastic!

[–]sushruta 1 point2 points ago

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blissfully unemployed