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[–]brtw 35 points36 points ago

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"You aren't the worst thing to happen to my daughter."

[–]gr33nspan 3 points4 points ago

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A true complimentary insult.

[–][deleted] 30 points31 points ago

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A former boss once told me, "You read too many books. I feel ignorant every time I come to talk to you."

But that's because she was ignorant. Dropping out of school in eighth grade will do that.

[–]HORSEtheGAME 34 points35 points ago

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Yet she was still your boss.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points ago

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Her brother owned the company. Isn't nepotism delightful?

[–]HORSEtheGAME 1 point2 points ago

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Ah, I see. I could see myself in a situation where I would hire my sister if she was desperate for work, but I wouldn't think to put her in a superior position if I didn't think she was ready.

Well, at least you can call her a former boss.

[–]Snaboobaly 5 points6 points ago

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My dad talks about this. "See that guy? He's got a P.H.D, and he works for me!"

[–]Kid_Methuselah 55 points56 points ago

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"Why are you so fucking weird? Can't you just act like everybody else?"

[–]aCleverMoniker 11 points12 points ago

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Fuck that shit.

[–]HIGHMetabolism 5 points6 points ago

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Make sure you wear a condom.

[–]Sector_Corrupt 6 points7 points ago

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Grade 12 Physics Teacher: "Jeff, could you please just act like a human being for 5 goddamn minutes?"

[–]Kyubik 1 point2 points ago

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There was a kid named Jeff in my Physics class that pissed off the teacher sometimes. Ahhh nostalgia.

[–]Sector_Corrupt 1 point2 points ago

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Haha, I was doubly Obnoxious. I was simultaneously top of the class and roughly the most disruptive member in it. I'm pretty sure I spent half of my grade 12 year lying on the lab counters in the class to do work instead of my desk. I used to lie there and program, and I did one exam wearing a metal salad bowl on my head for the entirety of it (Long story, I had ... "lent" it to a friend a few months back and he had finally brought it to school for me to take home so I figured I'd have some fun with it.

Anyway, after my mark on that test the Stoner behind me Tried the same bowl trick, it was pretty funny. I think at least 4 people's yearbook memories were something along the lines of "Jeff in Ms. Bell's Physics"

Man, I miss being eccentric. I've been keeping it up in University but there's enough weirdos here that I'm just one of a few local characters.

[–]jacquelinesarah 2 points3 points ago

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I was going to post something very similar. It's probably one of the best compliments I've ever received.

[–]StraydogJackson 45 points46 points ago

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"You think life is some sort of adventure." -my dad

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago

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The best comeback is "And you think it isn't!"

[–]StraydogJackson 9 points10 points ago

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I'll tell him tomorrow at the end of my cross-country motorcycle trip.

[–]admiralwaffles 6 points7 points ago

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...it's not?

[–]kstein1110 2 points3 points ago

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Sounds like my dad. =/

[–]sevwig 2 points3 points ago

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Life is an adventure, made for an adventurer- made just for a boy who can grow up strong and become a man.

[–]trustmeep 0 points1 point ago

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No, dad, life is a highway...

[–]backpackwayne 14 points15 points ago

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"You are such a trouble maker. Can't you ever just go along with the crowd?"

[–]notjhh 17 points18 points ago

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I was once called a "Fucking intellectual". I was kinda shocked and didn't really know what to say, and mumbled "Umm, thanks?" in retaliation.

[–]Testikall 7 points8 points ago

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"Nuh uh! I am a plebeian of the most abject lineage!"

[–]rgower 13 points14 points ago

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"You think too much."

[–]taranov2007 0 points1 point ago

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I'm sorry - was I thinking? I'll try not to do it again. bats eyes

[–]EyeAmLegend 12 points13 points ago

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Frat boys call anyone not in the "Greek" system GDIs (God Damn Independents.) That insult suits me just fine!

[–]edibledinosaur 5 points6 points ago

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Better GDI than NOD.

[–]AcrimoniousFuzz 1 point2 points ago

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Kane disapproves.

[–]CJayhawk 28 points29 points ago

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A high school teacher once told me, "You could be the best student in your class if you put any sort of effort into your work."

Instead of taking as a push to work harder, I took pride in the fact that without exerting any effort, I was still in the top 3 percent of my class. Now that I'm 10 years removed, I clearly realize that effort is so much more important than potential and I should have listened.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago

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I clearly realize that effort is so much more important than potential and I should have listened.

Truth.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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This follows my life motto of "hard work > genius"

[–]imbecile 1 point2 points ago

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Because it is clearly hard working people with no clue what they are doing that we need more of, so we have more messes to clean up.

[–]ihatestairs 1 point2 points ago

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Similarly on every report I got since I was a young child there was always a statement somewhere that "Chris is very smart but needs to apply himself to his work".

I never did apply myself, still achieved.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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"You're so tiny! What do you weigh 90 pounds? That's so disgusting!"

Coming from a woman at the restaurant where I work so large she couldn't even sit in a booth who then ate an appetizer, entree and dessert along with a chocolate shake and about 10 cokes. (all by her lonesome)

And I'm disgusting?

[–]HalfysReddit 2 points3 points ago

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My sister had the same issue at her last job. She weighs next to nothing and is very petite, but worked with seven or so other women who were all overweight, in their 40s, and just starting menopause.

She left that job :)

[–]catsfive 0 points1 point ago

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What the hell was that job description? I hope she left it for a job flossing polar bears or something, you know, something safer.

[–]HalfysReddit 0 points1 point ago

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She pushed papers at some car dealership. Her job now is much more awesome, and her boss is also quite cool (he sold me my first motorcycle).

[–]achiebaba 9 points10 points ago

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"You look like Easter!" some random old woman on the street with her embarrassed adult daughter. With as much enthusiasm, I told her thanks.

[–]Andy_1 10 points11 points ago

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I was playing Team Fortress 2 today, an Australian was ripping into a small Asian child talking about how small his dick was. I killed the Australian and he told me I had a small dick, then realized I wasn't the small Asian child and said "oh wait no you don't", a bigoted Australian child told me my dick wasn't small, I probably should talk about it.

[–]holmcross 9 points10 points ago

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"You're going to be single for the rest of your life." - my friend's wife on me not wanting to meet any of her dull and stupid friends.

[–]EyeAmLegend 10 points11 points ago

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In high school, the principal had me in her office and she was all, "I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record."

And I was like, "Oh yeah?"

Then she was all, "Well don't get so distressed; Did I happen to mention that I'm impressed?"

WTF?!?!

[–]HalfysReddit 3 points4 points ago

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Details!

[–]TheOuts1der 1 point2 points ago

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Please tell me you had flashed someone.

[–]emmster 1 point2 points ago

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Did you also take two, two, two for your family?

[–]EyeAmLegend 1 point2 points ago

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Haha! I wonder how many are actually getting the reference.

[–]catsfive 0 points1 point ago

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{sigh}

We don't want no killing, Lord...

[–]Euphamismgirl 15 points16 points ago

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"I'm ashamed to be related to a heathen like you." -Said by my abusive, bigoted, republican, Calls-herself-a-Christian-to-justify-her-hatred grandmother, after I told her that the guy I was dating was Jewish.

[–]KarmaIsCheap 1 point2 points ago

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Is that some sort of euphemism?

[–]Euphamismgirl 0 points1 point ago

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Nope. I need a new user name.

[–]pssvr -2 points-1 points ago

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I like how you threw "Republican" in there as if that is somehow related.

[–]EatMoreFiber 9 points10 points ago

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You're right, after including "abusive," "bigoted," and "calls-herself-a-Christian-to-justify-her-hatred," republican is just redundant.

[–]Euphamismgirl 1 point2 points ago

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Sorry, I should have said "radical republican." She doesn't just disagree with Obama, she thinks that he should be executed. She also thinks that the constitution should have been amended so that Bush could have another term. Not an exaggeration. Radical republican is probably not correct either, but I'm not sure what would be, so I just use the term that she uses.

[–]pssvr 0 points1 point ago

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As far as I can tell she's gotten one wish and will likely get the other.

[–]soparamens 7 points8 points ago

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My father to an adolescent me: you will become a hippie!

Now im 34, buddhist, love nature and jungle trips, protecting animals and songs from the 70's. (My father called me that way as an insult) but Because i liked those old years, all the naiveness, hope and good will from hippies, It was music to my ears. Nowadays im happy that i became some kinda hippiesque. In fact, My fahter called me gay too, but man, i loooove women!

[–]FooHentai 3 points4 points ago

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I'm glad there's someone out there protecting songs from the 70s. Nobody else is gonna do it.

[–]soparamens 0 points1 point ago

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I keep them in a healty music zoo

[–]pics-or-didnt-happen 0 points1 point ago

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Get off my lawn and go get a haircut!

[–]mmmhmmhim 13 points14 points ago

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My mother used to call me a "son of a bitch" when she was screaming at me. It always made me smile a bit, which didn't really help things at the time.

[–]robotdancer 16 points17 points ago

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the jokes on you when you find out later you were adopted.

[–]GraphicFilth 4 points5 points ago

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and your mum is a dog.

[–]ews1g08 7 points8 points ago

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"I really love your facial hair."

If I think really, really hard, he might have added "but I still think you're a cunt". But its late, and I don't like thinking too hard when its late.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Read as really love your fecal hair.

[–]lilacattak 4 points5 points ago

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This one woman-hater dude used to call me "Gloria Steinem" and "one of those feminists".

[–]partialbigots[S] 10 points11 points ago

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I get "feminist" and "liberal" a lot. Being a guy, I think "feminist" is supposed to be emasculating but it gives me a warm feeling inside.

[–]RadicalMuslim 21 points22 points ago

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"Oh yeah? Well your penis was too big for me anyways! I had trouble enjoying it!"

[–]clevemire 11 points12 points ago

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"What are you, fucking going to Harvard, Einstein?" (this wasn't like a sarcastic thing where I was being an idiot or a smartass, it was someone who overheard a teacher in high school praising a paper I'd written)

[–]lskalt 3 points4 points ago

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And did you?

[–]clevemire 4 points5 points ago

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Nah. Coulda gotten into one of the lesser Ivies, but I chose a cheaper (but still excellent) education.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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state school ftw

[–]jjjam 1 point2 points ago

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Cheaper but excellent doesn't necessarily mean state school. I went to a small liberal arts college that was high ranked because it was cheaper than in-state tuition to the state universities after financial aid.

[–]catsfive 1 point2 points ago

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Your response better have been, "Einstein went to Princeton, dumbass."

[–]trustmeep 0 points1 point ago

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Pfft...he didn't teach at Harvard...shows what you know!

[–]IbanezAndBeer 0 points1 point ago

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lol; it would make one hell of an overblown sarcastic insult though.

[–]Niuk 5 points6 points ago

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My "friends", who I have not seen in a long time, as we are at a hookah bar late one night

"You're a busy dude. I feel as if we have to do something really special for you to come hang out with us."

I am swamped with work and school all the time, but almost always free on weekends. My weekends are lonely....

[–]kilocharley 4 points5 points ago

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"fucking treehugger." I worked for Greenpeace at the time, and still love trees.

[–]GraphicFilth 1 point2 points ago

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you sick fuck.

[–]IbanezAndBeer 2 points3 points ago

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Trees cant say no.

[–]catsfive 1 point2 points ago

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They bark...

[–]pics-or-didnt-happen 1 point2 points ago

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Dendrophiliac.

[–]secretzombie 4 points5 points ago* 

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I call them complimensults, or insultments. In grade 4 I did an awesome project about the Wright brothers. A boy came up to me after class and said "I bet you read that in a BOOK".

[–]Eli_Kasimir 3 points4 points ago

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"Dude, you're such a nerd. You've got like, a hard drive on your neck."

It's a 32 gigabyte FLASH DRIVE on a LANYARD, thank you very much.

adjusts glasses

[–]ShrimpCrackers 1 point2 points ago

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"It's not just any 32 gigabyte flash drive! I've got it partitioned so it can boot a variety of Linux and modified Windows installs. Plus there's a whole suite of utilities just in case. You never know!"

[–]everyothernametaken1 10 points11 points ago

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You're a Pussy

You mean I'm the greatest thing EVER... Cool, thanks man

[–]TheJollyLlama875 1 point2 points ago

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Yes, but you're also something that somebody else sticks their dick in.

If we're going by your rules, I'd rather be called a blow-job.

[–]everyothernametaken1 0 points1 point ago

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You make a very compelling point

[–]catsfive 0 points1 point ago

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Personally, I find pussy and BJ's equally compelling.

[–]FooHentai 5 points6 points ago

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"OMFG UR USING A WALLHAK FUCKER"

[–]MaximumBob 0 points1 point ago

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MY BRAIN IS USING A WALLHACK BROTHER..

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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"You have big hair." May have sucked when I was 12, but now they pay for extensions and will probably be bald when they're 35. I win. =)

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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in junior high and early high school i went through a thoroughly crazy phase, and some of the outfits i decided to wear to school made me stick out like a sore thumb wrapped in sparkling, rainbow gauze, but i fucking enjoyed every second of it. if i had pics, i'd post them, but i really looked like a mad woman most days of the week. anyway, walking with a friend through the halls one day, i passed this punk kid who looked at me, did a double take, then spun full way 'round and yelled down the hall, "what the fuck is WRONG with you??" i just yelled back, "nothing." and gave him the finger. not really a direct complimentary insult, but i took it as such.

[–]emmster 0 points1 point ago

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I was similar.

I wonder what it was about the hot pink fishnets, floral print boots, and safety pins and nails stuck through my ear piercings that made people think "You look like a freak!" was going to really hurt my feelings?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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i'll never forget in the lunch room one day, i walked past the superintendent and he just stopped me and was like "you look like your closet threw up on you." i was like "...hah...yeah...uhm, thanks..?"

[–]georgefrick 2 points3 points ago

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I was dating this girl and she was playing games; those fucking games some girls play that make you realize not to even touch it. So I drop her off in front of her place (again) and she just kind of looks at me, smiles and says "You're a very honorable guy". Apparently I blew my last chance to talk her into letting me come upstairs. I just couldn't bring myself to take it as an insult.

[–]kmad26 2 points3 points ago

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"You're a freak with a perfectly straight nose!"

[–]eax 2 points3 points ago

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"Nerd"

"Geek"

"Weird"

In my old Physics class my teacher called me "Eaxvanohvisc", it's a wordplay on Eax and "hvad nu hvis", or in english "what if", so my name would be "Eaxwhaddif". I was called this because I asked "what if" all the time because I was curious about it. Hope that makes sense :P

[–]RosieMuffysticks 3 points4 points ago

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"You have no ass, you look like a transvestite!"

(Transvestites being some of the hottest dressers around, I took it as a compliment. And I really have very little ass. Big boobs, though, so I kind of had the Vida Boheme look going on."

[–]soparamens 1 point2 points ago

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Image Proof please

[–]ShrimpCrackers 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah, TITS OR GTF... oh wrong place sorry.

[–]TenTypesofBread 0 points1 point ago

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We should hang out.

[–]brettrosey 5 points6 points ago

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Your cock is so little it's funny.

I'm a comedian.

[–]redpandabear 1 point2 points ago

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Someone tried to insult my writing style, when I was 15, by saying I write for teenage girls. Loved pointing out that A) I was a teenager, and B) I've been honing my skills to write for teenagers since I was 10.

[–]rapp039 1 point2 points ago

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"You're too complicated for me to even begin to explain how much I hate you."

[–]EvelKnievel 1 point2 points ago

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A friend of a friend who fancied himself (and probably still does) as a worldly, cosmopolitan type said to me "you're just so.... Canadian." I said, "hey, thanks man" because I really took it as a compliment. Don Cherry would be proud.

[–]BadDaughter 1 point2 points ago

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Mine's uhm... An insult meant as a compliment, told to me by a crush in high school:-

"There are some girls you get attracted to immediately, like you... And there are some girls you gradually just fall in love with, like Lisa."

=(

[–]jumpyleg 1 point2 points ago

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You broke my bed.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago* 

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"I'm not meaning to be cheeky but he looked like a student"

Mums neighbour describing me after I visited my mums house. I was in my final year of study at university at the time. Thinking on it I must be generic as fuck.

Edit: just remembered, wasn't meant as an insult but on Halo once an american asked me where I was from and I replied "Scotland", to which he then replied "Aww sweet I love Irish people"

[–]daffurn89 0 points1 point ago

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There's always jokes about people from overseas mistaking England to be the entire British Isles, but I've never actually heard of anyone refer to the Scots as Irish. Except some Celtic fans.

I'm from Scotland too by the way.

[–]Ictinike 1 point2 points ago

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You're not part of this group, you don't fit in.

Thanks!

[–]d3rp 1 point2 points ago

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How the HELL did you get such a hot girlfriend? No offense, but you're not that great looking. (Guy said that who had just met me.) Yes, she's really that beautiful or... maybe I'm just really, really ugly. Either way, I win.

[–]SpaizKadett 1 point2 points ago

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Once this guy said to me "but unlike you I don't have any friends"

[–]deucalion 1 point2 points ago

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My mom once told me," You're just like your father!" during an argument. I know it was meant to be an insult, but my dad is badass. So I thanked her. Which made her even more mad and she called me a son of a bitch. I grinned, said you're damn right, and walked off. Ah, ya gotta love Christmas mornings.

[–]pssvr 1 point2 points ago

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"You are selfish."

[–]bgnm2000 1 point2 points ago

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Sometimes people ask if I'm on roids. Kind of an insult, but I only see the compliment.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I like early Elvis a lot, back then he was called a hillbilly. I was slapping my bass in a jazz band and my teacher said "Knock it off, you sound like a hillbilly." Thanks Pete!

[–]gleeble 1 point2 points ago

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Starting in elementary school, and well on through high school, I was told "I acted white".(I'm black) This made me really mad until I realized they were referring to my urge to actually do well in school.

[–]partialbigots[S] 0 points1 point ago

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I always found that bizarre, that doing well in school was attributed with acting white. Partially because I know many, many white kids who don't even try, but it's a weird cultural tick I've never understood. You would the desire to educate yourself would be encouraged by everyone.

[–]JukePenguin 1 point2 points ago

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Once upon a felation, a girl was like "I cant do this with your fat dick".

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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"You're really cynical."

[–]taranov2007 1 point2 points ago

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You're so liberal!

[–]Scarker 4 points5 points ago

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Gee, you think? You think that maybe I should use these clamps that I use every day at every opportunity? You're a freaking genius, you idiot!

[–]BigSlim 1 point2 points ago

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"You put way too much thought into this."

[–]puerile 0 points1 point ago

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"You know, I only talk to you because you're intelligent."

[–]saranghaeyo 2 points3 points ago

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"Grammar police"

[–]fucktoy 0 points1 point ago

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I'm secretly flattered when people call me a socially awkward hermit.

[–]Yesac -1 points0 points ago

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"your a tool" "thanks, atleast a tool's useful"