I just found out that my teenage daughter was molested by a family member almost 10 years ago, where should I start in seeking (legal) justice for this act?

account_to_throwaway · 1 year

I need to ask you a very serious question.

Please, please, please take it as seriously as you can.

I am essentially in the same situation as your daughter (except I'm a guy) was before she told you. My grandfather (maternal) molested me repeatedly between the ages of about 5-10. Here's a quick backstory. I created this account specifically to talk about it, 'cause I have friends that know my real account as my own. I've gone fifteen years not feeling anything about it at all. It's just what happened.

And then, about three or four months ago, out of nowhere I suddenly felt everything. And it has absolutely wreaked havoc on me.

I saw a counsellor about it for the first time a fortnight ago, and she's gotten me onto a psychologist that I've gone to see once so far. But right now, I am absolutely freaking out about how or even if I should tell my mother.

It would destroy my family.

But, as a parent in the same situation as my mum, would you think that you would still want to know? The entire family would be torn apart, 'cause my maternal grandparents live next door to my (single) mum.

I just really don't know what to do, and I'm freaking out.

I'm really sorry for asking you a question in a thread where you're the one looking for advice and I can only express my deepest sympathy to you and your family.

Especially your daughter. Don't let her think for a second that any of it was her fault.

'Cause she will.

Concerned_Father · 1 year

Here's what I would do:

Arrange therapy for your daughter, and wife both, if they need/want it. In fact, it's probably not a bad idea for a few sessions even if they think they don't.
Find out what the statue of limitations is for this, for the state you are in. I doubt it's run out yet. In most places, for something like this, it's at least 12-20 years.
Contact the police where this occurred and talk to them about it.
Get a lawyer (I'm not sure if 3 and 4 should actually happen in reverse order or not).
Do not tell any of your wife's family you are doing this until the police have served a warrant or made their investigation. You don't want the uncle getting wind of it and causing problems or disappearing. Right now, he thinks he got away with it. Let him keep thinking that until the police do their thing.
If you are at all concerned for the physical safety of your wife and daughter from this man, tell them (your lawyer, the police) that you want to file for an EPO. This may not be necessary since he lives in a different state, and may not be granted for the same reason, but if you are concerned and it gives you all peace of mind, it can't hurt.
Hug your family and be sure to let your daughter know how proud of her you are and how much it means to you that she trusted you all enough to speak up. Even if it did take time, it was no doubt hard for her to do. Assure her you will do everything you can to take care of the situation.
No matter how angry and hurt you are, either now or later when this goes to court, always remain calm, civil, and professional. You will be much more successful working within the legal system if you remain level-headed and professional with all police officers, lawyers, and judges involved. It is quite normal to be angry and pissed, but the court room is not the place for it-not that you have given any indication you would. You seem very level-headed and reasonable.

RidiculousAssumption · 1 year

Prepare for a shit storm and do your rain dance man. This guy needs to be made accountable for his actions and at the very least removed from a position where he can do it again to someone else's daughter.

rebel · 1 year

I was molested as a kid, and I keep on top of the topic.

First of all, you and your Daughter need to take a good look at whether you both are prepared to testify in court. This is not easy. I am glad to hear that this was a while ago, and not a relative that has any power over her life.

Take your wife and daughter to a family law practitioner who deals with this type of work. You may not get a conviction, but you have a social responsibility to report the abuse irregardless of whether a prosecutor attempts to press the case. Both your wifes and daugthers abuse should be reported.

Where the crime is committed is where the actual criminal case will be prosecuted. You can contact your local police to make the initial report.

You also need to have a talk with your wifes mother. You might be surprised to find out she has a similar tale or knows of his proclivities.

ropers · 1 year

My answer is a simple question: What would be best for the abuse victim?

That's what must pretty much trump virtually all other interests in this situation. Even if this were to mean that there won't be real justice in this case. It's natural to want revenge on some level, but the most important issue is the well-being of the victim. Almost all other concerns are secondary at this point.

The only exception might be if putting the victim through additional pain and stress would significantly serve to prevent further abuses of others. But it's not always as cut and dried an issue as one might perhaps wish. None of these decisions will be comfortable ones. But that's not your fault.

monkeiboi · 1 year

Your wife was molested by her mother's brother. Your daughter was molested by your wife's mother's brother while she was under the care of her grandmother.

Sounds like there is a common thread, The guys SISTER is allowing him access to victims. She is enabling him, and I'll bet you $1,000, that she knew damn well what her brother had done in the past, and STILL allowed him access to further victims.

Anything you do with him, needs to involve her as well. Excise both of them from your life.

throwaaaway · 1 year

When I was 10 years old, in 2000, I was molested. My mom was cheating on my dad at the time, and the guy she was cheating with molested me, lets call him <Bob>. I told my mom right away, she called Bob and asked what he had done. He said it was late and he was tired, he must have thought that he was touching her (my mom). My mom loved this guy and decided to believe this. I trusted my mom with everything and thought she would do everything she could to protect me, so I believed it too. She said to me "If this ever happens again, tell me and I will leave him because you are the most important thing to me."

A few years later, my parents finally got a divorce and we moved in with Bob and my mom. The molestation began again. This time to my sister as well. We told my mom. She turned it back on us, asking what we should do... She was our mother, but never stood up and protected us. My sister finally stood up and said that we needed to move out.

During all of this I never told my dad. Finally in 2003 after we were already moved out I told him. He immediately got a restraining order on Bob for my sister and I. We also went to counseling. Although at the time, I didn't think I needed counseling, so I didn't share much. I'm so glad I told my dad, and that he stood up for my and protected me like a parent should.

After 11 years of when the first time Bob molested me, my mom is still with Bob. I don't know how you can love, trust, and respect a man who molested your own daughters, but my mom pulls it off.

tl;dr My mom's significant other molested me and my sister. She is still with the guy. Never protected me and my sister like a mother should do.

I know this isn't really giving any advice, but just letting you know you aren't alone... This is a very tough time, but standing up and doing something is best. I love and respect my father for doing the right thing. My mom, on the other hand, isn't a part of my life any more.

cyco · 1 year

Ok, I'm not an expert but this site seems to have a lot of good resources:

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network

Good luck in seeking justice for this heinous crime.

Tax_Ninja · 1 year

If I were in your shoes I would go scorched earth on this guy. I would talk to the police and I would also contact the church children's group he's working with. If what has been said is true, then you cannot let him have contact with children without trying to do something. It's your moral obligation to do something.

Also, telling his church puts them on notice that he's dangerous. If something happens, the parents will be able to sue that church into oblivion.

One other thing. What church was it that originally handled the molestation of your wife? (Just being nosy and looking for a group to be pissed at.)

Concerned_Father · 1 year

Most importantly you should think about the welfare of your daughter. Take her to therapy (a female therapist). Find a good one for her.

[deleted] · 1 year

I'm new to reddit and would like to help.

My two sisters were molested at a young age by my father.

I happen to run a fairly successful business now so would like to offer to fund your legal costs if you decide to pursue justice.

Just send me a message.

Serhum · 1 year

Just wanted to say that you are a real father. My ex-girlfriend was raped and held it too long. When she came out with the story, she first talked to her aunt and uncle. Her father, who learned it after almost everybody, didn't take it too well. He sent her to live with her aunt and uncle, which in the end, was very big mistake. It broke the relation between them and made the recovery even more painful for her.

Your daughter will be grateful that you acted with love and undestanding. Bravo!

kerbuffel · 1 year

I hate being this guy, but before you do anything, please make sure that you're acting on the truth. I don't know you, or your daughter, or anything about your situation. I do know that teenagers do stupid stuff for stupid reasons because they don't understand the consequences, and this may just be her being a teenager.

If your wife's uncle did molest her, he deserves more punishment than the law will likely provide. If he didn't, he was have to mount a lengthy legal battle, and his life will be ruined, even if he is acquitted of all charges. There are many conversations on reddit about how men are terrified to help lost children in supermarkets because of the very judicial consequences you're looking to impose on this man. Please make sure that you're doing something that needs to be done.

jenonreddit · 1 year

Just to let you know..... there are certain people who will be required to report this crime once you tell them about it. Medical professionals, teachers, etc. It sounds like you and she are ready for that, so good. Just don't want you to be surprised.

In our smallish town there is free counseling available. Google "211" for your state to find local resources. Then google "211" for the state where the offense occurred. If you dont have any luck with the suggestions here then start cold calling people in the state where the offense occurred - people in the "victim industry" for lack of a better word. Counselors for example, social workers. There is a process. Those people would be familiar with it. They can give you advice.

Good luck!

DrakeBishoff · 1 year

I've dealt with these creeps. This one is very dangerous because he is not just some sicko who doesn't know what he is doing, he is a very in control and intentional predator who has surrounded himself with a whole system to keep him from being taken down (respected leader of church, law enforcement officer), while providing him with access to prey (children's group). This is not a coincidence, it is a master plan that he has worked at his whole life. He has already laid traps by telling people in his church all about his mentally ill niece and her abusive compulsive lying husband. As soon as this goes down, he is going to start working his system and call out his army of demons against you.

The wife made a big mistake not telling her daughter, but it is a common mistake as victims tend to be ashamed of the whole thing. When nothing is done though, you can see exactly what happens - more victims are racked up. Most of these victims are messed up now and are going to create a dozen more victims in the future, victims of child abuse, neglect, disruptive relationships, drug use, etc.

You absolutely have to take this animal down. Do not make a deal. This man has to go to prison and stay there. Consult with an attorney about your options. The wife may also be able to pursue charges, depending on the statute of limitations in your state.

Don't go to the police first, retain a lawyer. When police find out this guy is in law enforcement, they will try to fuck you over.

Also, the church is going to get fucking nasty with you. They will plot and scheme against you. Church people are very nasty and will punish anyone who makes their false temple look bad, especially if this is an evangelical church, those are the most predatory and vicious.

420chan_spy · 1 year

If it was my daughter, the perpetrator would never be seen or heard from again. But you're asking for legal advice so I'm sure you'll find a good answer from someone.

NoMoreNicksLeft · 1 year

Chain the doors to his house shut, and burn it down.

[deleted] · 1 year

It seems interesting how the Church handled the situation the first time, by giving him a job with kids.

petdance · 1 year

Do you mean "brought to justice" or do you mean "prevented from hurting others?"

They can be very different things. Make sure you understand your motives.

zeppelin4491 · 1 year

AskReddit of course.

craziestmoose · 1 year

This happened to my girlfriend. She told me that her uncle had touched her and showed her porn and he lived on the other side of the country. She was lost about what to do and he and his wife had offered her a place to stay because her parents were fighting. Needless to say, I did not let her go to visit, or drop the issue.

I ended up breaking her trust, the only time ever, and telling her father. Her mother contacted the uncle, her sister's husband, and the scumbag denied it. It wasn't surprising that he denied it, but the things he did were very bizarre; no thirteen year old girl makes that stuff up. We met many times with a detective here on the West coast who met with a detective on the East coast and he was put on trial. I am not really quite sure what ever happened. I mean, the guy was found guilty but I don't think any criminal charges were levied because it wasn't rape or hardcore molestation.

Regardless, it brought closure. It will be a long road to recovery but START NOW! You are not too far away to press charges and the more light this has, although it may be embarrassing for her, the greater chance this scumbag may never do this to anyone else.

[deleted] · 1 year

Start with your wife and daughter, and make sure they are prepared to go through this. I'm guessing it won't be easy for them. My wife's sister and mother went through the exact same thing, and their decision was to leave well enough alone.

AngelofRage · 1 year

This guy is a habitual, if there are proof or statue of limitations issues just look for a newer victim. He did this twice something like 20 years apart, your girls are sadly not the only ones. Good luck and give them both lots of hugs.

TheBigTay · 1 year

Your biggest hurdle will be the church. Especially if he is seen as a good whatever he does there.

callipygian1 · 1 year

you may not want to hear this, but he may be out of reach of the public justice. the alternative is private justice.

jumpyleg · 1 year

First:

Look after your daughter. Make sure she feels safe, loved, and understands the difference between molestation (power, opportunity and a sick fuck) and love (tenderness, caring, etc) otherwise her sexual life will be one big clusterfuck. Get your daugther some help, but also tell her that you dont want to push her, that she needs to come to you guys. Redo her bedroom. Put a lock on her door. Give her the tools to make her feel safe. An air horn for her bedroom and car. A whistle for her phone and walking. Mace. I dont mean to make her feel more freaked out, just tell her to think about what things would make her feel safe.

As for counseling, well, I just read an article in, I think, Psychology Today Magazine that talks about a study that says forcing people to relive trauma can make the trauma much worse. I think ounseling is important, so long as they dont hammer on the situation again and again.

Second, Dude...

The police cant help, but I would fucking destroy this mans life.. and start hidden and slowly. Ruins his name top to bottom before he even knows he is being targeted, and then tell your family. This guy cannot go on doing what he has done.

Its to bad someone couldnt brand a big ass "M" on his forehead.

Yes, it may ruin the family, but your daughter is worth it. If people take his side, fuck em. YOUR WIFE AND KID ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD.

I wasnt molested, so take it for a grain of salt.

Good luck Brother

Tanzka · 1 year

This thread has moved me beyond question, it even prompted me to register on reddit just to post in this thread. You are the most amazing father I have ever encountered and your wife and children (specifically your daughter) are incredibly lucky to have you stand by their side.

I must admit that my first reaction on reading this thread and finding out what your wife's uncle did was, eloquently put, to 'cap his ass'.

But I just came here to say this; Best of luck to you - and respect for taking the admittedly much longer road that is the legal system. I hope this asshole gets the justice he deserves, whether it means he goes to jail and discovers 'true justice' or that he loses all his reputation socially and will never ever be allowed near children ever.

For the love of god keep us updated, and cheers!

jaypee68 · 1 year

I hope this sick fuck gets busted and has the book thrown at him. Even though he's a cop, I hope he gets tossed into general pop so they can dish out some prison justice. They don't like kiddie diddlers in there.

I have a 16 month old daughter, and if I ever found out someone touched her, god help them because I know what I'm capable of.

GL with this.

EvaSylvestre · 1 year

30... f... victim of familial molestation (grandfather, paternal)

i'm not sure how to put it, but your child is most likely going to rebel in 2 ways:

hypersexuality

or

non-sexuality.

BOTH are so devastating to the adult psyche that you may as well consider her an emotional vegetable if you don't bring this man to justice.

i let him die in peace this year (the people i told did nothing to stop it... he was a respected man and i was... well... a child with a "big imagination" who was put on the spot in front of other family to tell what happened... needless to say, a child will choke back the story in fear)

but when he died.... he took any apology he MAY have wanted to offer (and as he was justified by other family and enablers, he wouldn't DARE admit he tried to fuck his own kind)...

Act NOW.

Knowing his dick was hardened by your child is motivation enough.

I'm very sorry to put it that way, but she will always know that truth. MAKE HIM ANSWER or she'll always bear that.

Bring her to the station. Get her to talk to them.

Start there. They'll guide you right and

DO NOT

let "the system" forget about you.

She will suffer. More than he EVER will, she will suffer.

Synaptic_Gap · 1 year

some people just need to be killed... sorry but its true...

fbdysurfer · 1 year

 Do the right thing and turn the guy in . I know I was molested from the age of 5 till 17 or so by a neighbor. Beware single neighbor guys bearing free gifts (bicycles) for kids.
 I couldn't/didn't talk to my parents about it until recently when I told my mother about her reply "I wondered about that" WTF! She knew.

I never got justice. I never had a semblance of a life(career wise)I felt so lost. He died in the 80's. I often want to walk up to the door of the house his niece now owns and tell her what a dirtbag the guy was. At 13 a priest in a church school tried rubbing my belly under my shirt and I told him to take his hands off me. I turned him in to the director and asked other students about the guy. Lo and behold 10 guys were lined up at the directors office ready to talk about the guy. He moved on to other parishes and plied his methods. I told the archbishop in 96 about it and he wanted a statement from me(which I cowardly didn't do) Yep years later the guy was busted in a car with a young kid. Later I testified against him in his molestation trial with another kid. The guy just didn't stop. The Salesians(Catholic order) paid a stiff price for this guy staying on. But you must turn him and get closure otherwise you will end up screwed up like me, unloved and unwanted, never able to piece together the reason why. It truly is a life sentence for me.

cookingrobot · 1 year

In Seattle there's a non-profit organization called KCSARC who's mission is to help families through this process. I don't know if there's something similar in your area. Maybe you could call KCSARC and ask if they know. http://www.kcsarc.org/

[deleted] · 1 year

Nothing I can say that hasn't been said already. Except to throw in one more of these:

Kudos to you for being a strong, supportive father. And for not turning your head the other way or sweeping this awful, awkward situation under the rug. It's hard to look at it straight on and hold it together.

Be like a fucking lion, protect your family. Therapy, allowing her (and your wife) to talk about it when they need to, and making it clear that it isn't her fault is going to DECIMATE the effect of the abuse. I've said it here before - a minor instance of abuse, one time, that is covered up or ignored, can have a horrific effect on a person. A major event(s) that is discussed and dealt with, with openness and respect, will not do the same kind of damage.

The way you handle this is going to make a HUGE impact on her life and how she heals from this. Same goes for your wife, too. Your daughter will look up to you with total confidence and love, and will look for a man who does the same for her in the future. It's like making a perfect investment, ultimate payoff. Be a maniac, fight for them. It's hard, but I can't tell you how much it will mean to them. I'm sure you know this, I just wanted to say it.

I sincerely wish you and your family the absolute best in this situation. I'm sure you'll all be fine no matter what, because you're willing to step up for them.

BackdoorDan · 1 year

I fucking hate this world, what the fuck is wrong with some people. I don't have any advice for you because I've never heard of anyone in this situation in real life so I don't know what would be done. I just wanted to post and say I'm sorry to hear this; this is horrible and I hope he gets the justice he deserves. Child molesters get no mercy in prison(according to my friend who was in jail), he will get something worse than the death penalty.

again, fuck this world.

keepinithamsta · 1 year

Buy a chair. Then tell him to have a seat.

[deleted] · 1 year

Your nearest Walmart, where you can get baseball bats and duct-tape for a bargain.

jondotg · 1 year

Buy a shotgun: instant justice

kobescoresagain · 1 year

I say, start with the gun store. If I was on your jury, I would vote not guilty.

Swifti15 · 1 year

the gun store.

Rentiak · 1 year

I'm late to the game, but I was messed with by a psychologist I had as a child. I would very much recommend going to your local police department and speaking with a detective there.

The psychologist I had is now in the process of being prosecuted and due to that investigation I spoke at length with a a capt from the police department after they found me in his patient records. Honestly, talking to the PD captain may have been better for me than the new (not sleazy) counselor. He was frank, upfront "I've heard it all before, no need to be embarrassed." He got all of the facts and even filled in a couple of blanks from other sources. There are plenty of topics on here bashing the cops, and I've seen them do some crappy stuff, but after talking to this guy I'll never join in on the bashing again. The police can be a great resource to get the entire story laid out (who knows how many others there are?) and bring the person to justice as best they can.

avecpulp · 1 year

its not your responsibility to keep the secrets of a pedo and it is your duty to our society to deal with it. I'm sorry, this is difficult. Don't live in fear. You owe it to all of us to break the silence

Concerned_Father · 1 year

What does justice mean here?

Pursuing justice through legal means may not help your daughter. It will force your daughter to play the role of a victim, in a very public way, in order to bring about penalties for the offender (if any are ultimately handed down).

Me? I'd beat the uncle close to death and leave it up to him if he wants to tell on me. He won't, because he knows what I'll have to say to the police.

Then I'd devote 100% of my energy to helping my daughter get through this.

I have no idea if keeping this kind of abuse a secret is legal, but I can't imagine telling the world about it is always what the victim needs.

webbieee · 1 year

even i am in a same situation.my sister tried to molest me on a no. of occasions when i was about 5-6...though it never went to a great extent(as in fingering).thats why i just buried it somewhere in the back of my mind.but it does come back to me and now that i'm in a steady relationship for years, i crave to tell my bf this but all i think is that he wont look at her the same way again.and 've truly forgiven her for what she wanted to do because i know she's repented and will never do it again.

ps: i wish you luck and i pray your daughter and wife get justice.

Havoc_101 · 1 year

http://www.smith-lawfirm.com/statutestable.html

Depends on where you live, (reads your comments) but since it happened in florida, you have a civil case and it looks like there could be a criminal case as well.

http://www.smith-lawfirm.com/sol_Florida.html

Turn his ass in, then sue him for everything + $5mil

fishwish · 1 year

How about you say this stops now. Or maybe line up your future grand children, lube them up and and them over to your wife's uncle for his play time. Really. That is what it boils down to.

ex_spectator · 1 year

extensions of the criminal statutes of limitation

[deleted] · 1 year

Not sure where to start but make sure you end burying a refrigerator in the desert.

Wintermutemancer · 1 year

I say police, then a lawyer, then visit to a hardware store, then pay him a little visit. I fuckin hate those fuckers.

Don't hesitate man, assholes like that don't stop on their own.

HRP · 1 year

I believe you should immediately go find a gun and a shovel.

It would take so, so much will power for me to not kill that motherfucker. You're a better man than me.

wtmh · 1 year

What the hell was going through the heads of the 200+ people downvoting this thread?

summer_of_rage · 1 year

There are ways to destroy a human being's life and future without doing anything that would be illegal. I myself could come up with at least two dozen ways off the top of my head. This is the internet. Would you like to know more?

Gairloch · 1 year

Ignore the internet tough guys, consult a lawyer.

meloveyoulongtime · 1 year

At a sporting goods store.

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