Hey Reddit, you may recognize this girl if you've been on Yahoo lately. She's a friend of mine. Wanna help play a friendly joke on her?

lps41 · 1 year

Oh my god, who wrote this?

I didn't think much of this book until I accidentally spilt yoghurt on the front cover. Subsequent to that event, it has been one of my favourites. I keep it next to my bed. I sometimes replenish the yoghurt stain.

tsvk · 1 year

Heh, think you redditors are trolling the girl in the photo? Then what about the author of the book? :)

Mr. Walter A. Newport III will initially be pleasantly surprised that his self-help book has suddenly gained momentum on Amazon and gotten several favorable reviews, only to realize when actually reading the reviews that hardly anyone has even read the book, every reviewer just gets stuck on and comments on the cover picture...

AptMLE · 1 year

Ahahaha, who wrote "precious precious teeth?" I'll be snorting with laughter throughout today with that one

helpingfriendlybook · 1 year

Thirty white horses on a red hill... first they stamp then they clamp then they all stand still.

I purchased this book unfamiliar with the author or the story. The allure of this Woman (I capitalize Woman as a sign of respect to she who I have come to consider a demigoddess) on the cover is magnetic. I have named her Niobe, after the Ancient Greek woman of legendary fertility... for truly, her smile oozes life and moist sensuality. I have composed this ode to her. I like to recite it in the early morning hours, and on especially fine days, while the sun sets.

Niobe: Woman, Goddess, Queen
teeth of finest porcel-een
is it a sin to crave the power
to wear your flesh for just one hour?
Or use thy locks to mop my floor
While you hang atop my kitchen door?
Is all this but a dream I dreamt
my visage crooked, hair unkempt
as I gazed, bi-nocked, and wept
into your window while you slept?

I hope you hear these words, wherever you are, Niobe, and know somehow that you have brought simple pleasure to a simple man. Your scent has carried across the winds of summer to find its new home inside my nostrils and brain.

darkciti · 1 year

She has beautiful teeth. The nicest ones I've ever come across.

qqtt · 1 year

"Therefore, I suggest that when you buy this book, you stock up some kleenex and be prepared to shed a few 'tears'."

Well done, reddit. Make sure she reads this one for the ultra creep-out factor

IdesOfMarch · 1 year

Now we should get at least one or two people to buy the book, and then a box of kleenex, too, so it shows up as "Customers also bought.."

Probably_Not_Right · 1 year

Smile Lines has been sitting on my night stand for weeks, and I can't wait to wake up every morning and see this woman's beautiful smile greeting me. I whisper softly into her ear that "I'll never leave her", and that I'll download a digital copy so "We'll be together forever." She smiles back, and I am filled with warmth.

I usually sneak off to the bathroom before my wife wakes for some "quiet time" with this beautiful cover girl. She'll never leave my side.

...I need her...

I haven't opened the book for fear that I might not see those big white teeth and shining eyes peering deep into my tortured soul. She alone knows my pain, she breathes the white light.

NormalIsBoring · 1 year

Did anyone else check out the publisher?

"Xulon Press is the largest, most experienced Christian owned and operated print-on-demand self publisher of Christian books. So if you're a Christian author looking for a Christian self publishing company, join the thousands of Christian authors who have chosen Xulon Press."

This guy is going to LOVE the reviews...

derkins · 1 year

Funny. I'm a web developer. Used that one stock photo not too long ago on a site.

JEMisico · 1 year

People are tagging the book too. Some of them are hilarious. "Masturbatory", "Whole Grain", "Turgid".

newrat · 1 year

Step 1: Write a self-help book with a catchy title.
Step 2: Find an appropriate and ubiquitous stock photo to use on the cover.
Step 3: Create elaborate story about knowing the model and anonymously post to internet forums.
Step 4: ???
Step 5: Profit.

Nice try, Walt.

the_peanut_gallery · 1 year

So you want us to judge a book by its cover AND write creepy things about some chick on the internet?

THIS IS REDDIT'S DREAM JOB!

FMERCURY · 1 year

Nice try, Walter A. Newport, III

BookLover4Real · 1 year

Just posted one from a woman's perspective. Sadly, I could only give the book one star. Hope you enjoy my moral outrage.

Edit: Here's what I put in my review:

Title: I Will Never Feel Clean Again

As a woman quickly approaching my thirtieth birthday, I was in my local Borders bookstore looking for a motivational book that would touch my soul, and at the same time teach me how to retain my youth. I came across Smile Lines and began to flip through it, hoping it would give me wonderful tips for preventing those pesky little lines that have begun to minutely appear around my mouth. You can imagine my surprise when I came across page 97. I mean seriously, who writes this kind of perversion? I had no idea that Smile Lines was a clever innuendo for such a nasty, nasty act that really goes against God and nature. After seeing the picture of that sweet, wholesome girl on the cover, I am in complete shock that such filth could be contained within the pages of a book with her adorable face on the cover. She should be ashamed! I know my mother didn't raise me to be that kind of girl, but apparently this girl has never learned anything about morals or the righteousness of love that is only shared with a trusted mate in the manner that God intended it. Walter Newport is a man with a sick, deviant mind for writing such things, and that girl on the cover should find her way to the nearest church and begin repenting immediately.

desalvostrikesback · 1 year

Tags customers associated with this product:

heart rate monitor(6)
masterbatory(6)
smile(6)
turgid(6)
whole grain(6)
luscious(5)
wet(4)
cuckold(2)
divorce(2)
hair care(2)
abortion addictions(1)
blondie(1)
genital enlargement(1)
genital stimulant(1)
guttersnipe(1)
heart orgasm(1)
kurt vonnegut(1) lovely head(1)
materbatory(1)
obsession(1)
optics(1)
*reddit(1) *
romantic suspense(1)
stalker(1)
sustainability and nutrition(1)

OK, WHO GAVE IT AWAY!?

heavymonocle · 1 year

my review:

5 Stars

I bought this book after I overheard some people in my office discussing its content. Not really anything contained IN the book per say, but what was ON its cover. They said that the pages themselves contained very little in the way of helpful insight, but that the supermodel on the cover was reason enough to make the purchase. I was intrigued, so I bought it. Now, I actually still haven't read Smile Lines, but if it's anything like the angel on its cover, then I'm sure the pages of my copy will be stuck together in no time.

greasedabs · 1 year

Done and done, I only wish I knew what she was looking at...

Confucius_says · 1 year

OMG A GIRL IS INVOLVED! YES I WILL DO IT

redbeard_argggg · 1 year

A true inspiration for anyone trying to regain the use of their limbs, May 4, 2010

By Pulley Sam "Pulley Sam" (Alabama)

It has been 2 years, 7 months & 3 days since I was hit by a drunk driver on State Route 17. It was a horrible accident framed by pale moonlight. My car was totaled, as was my body. The drunk driver was flung from his car as was never found.

Months blurred together in a morphine laced molasses nightmare. The doctors told me I'd likely never again be able to use my arms or legs. I went through waves of anger and depression, which I affectionately call "Mad-Sad Oreos".

Then it happened. A fire ignited deep with in my limp body. I woke up one day and realized I could either keep dunking the Oreos in my pity milk or I could fight with all my earthly being to get my life back... and the use of my arms and legs.

So I turned to my two great loves: reading and oral hygiene.

I had my grandmother set up a series of ropes and pulleys and triggers around my bed that I could control with my nose and mouth. I was able to floss, brushes, rinse, & polish my teeth. In doing so, I was also strengthen what little muscle control I had.

I quickly read through my grandmothers entire library. Some books I read multiple times. I used a modified cookbook stand placed on my chest & turned the pages with my precious teeth, which left bite marks on the pages... especially the covers of the books.

My grandmother also set up a laptop, which I controlled with the rope & pulleys connected to a series of drop-pins over the keyboard. I surfed the internet and ordered boxes and boxes of books to satiate my literary appetite.

When they arrived, my grandmother unpacked them. The first one she laid at the foot of my chin was this book, "Smile Lines". One look at the goddess on the cover & it was as if I was paralyzed all over again.

After a few moments, my grandmother asked: "Well, aren't you going to read it?"

"No, Grammy..." I replied. "I can't bring myself to leave a single bite mark on her angelic, glossy, soft cover face. No, I will nibble on her... someday."

This Smile Line Angel has become my everything. She motivates me. She gets me "out of bed" in the morning. Since falling in love with her, I've been able to wiggle my ring finger... the finger I hope one day will adorn a band of gold that binds me to my Smile Line Angel til death do us part.

Smilelines · 1 year

you asked for it...... AMA

withthedevil · 1 year

Oh dear...

I hope she has a good sense of humour. Do you plan on showing her your reddit submission after she's freaked out a little bit?

tentativepunter · 1 year

I sometimes replenish the yoghurt stain.

:D

Philthy42 · 1 year

I was a project manager at a web design company, we used her picture on one of our sites too! The lightning effect was all the client's idea!

http://www.123bankruptcyfirm.com/

luraybell · 1 year

wow, we've had her on our home page for at least a year, thanks iStockPhoto

http://www.quicksourcelearning.com/

zhx · 1 year

Semi-related? I'm pretty sure I drew your friend when I was bored at work one day, back when I worked at Yahoo. This was drawn back in September of 08. Weeeird.

Death_Pancakes · 1 year

Hahaha after viewing this site for months and never registering, this post and the community's willful pranking of this girl convinced me. HI EVERYONE!!

droneprime · 1 year

I didn't know where this Redditor was going at first:

"i want to do experiments in the laboratory with her not pervert things but holy experiments liek simple acid/base tests and maybe we could see wat ice melters werk best but besides that also intercourse"

I will be frequently adding 'but besides that also intercourse' to general conversation. Also 'Precious precious teeth'.

RushG60 · 1 year

Just out of curiosity, how much did she get paid? Is she entitled to any royalties? I know I'd be a little irritated to see my mug everywhere and not be rolling it in.

Cubano1852 · 1 year

Ok, someone give the OP an award. This is by far the most hilarious thing I've read all week. Additionally, awards should be given out to all of you who posted on the link itself. I salute you all.

mcreeves · 1 year

Your friend has a gorgeous smile. I've seen her a few times before.

meggibritster · 1 year

Here's mine... This story deeply moved me. I could not believe how happy this woman was...over everything. I loved the part when she went in for her 15th abortion, and the nurses all knew her name. Since it was abortion number 15, her punch card gave her a 20% discount on services rendered. No wonder she was so happy! It's amazing.

Then there was that one other scene where she got pulled over and convinced the police officer to let her give him oral instead of giving her a ticket, and the detail was amazing. It really encouraged me to use my looks and femaleness to get by in life. (Speaking of which, I recently got a big promotion at work)

This book also taught me that it's okay to touch myself. In fact, it was easiest I found when gazing in to the eyes of the woman who helped transform my life; Miss Smile Lines herself, right on the cover. In fact I copied the image on to an over-sized tee shirt which I wear to bed every night. It's nice to have Miss Smile Lines cozied right up next to me...I'm going to wear the shirt to my next abortion.

(for the key word suggestions I put "abortion addicts")

jonuggs · 1 year

Dude, the tags are killing me: cuckold, masturbatory, etc. . .

mingmingcherry · 1 year

I can not believe how many of you use your real names.

carpetbowl · 1 year

"I must say, I don't know what this book is about (incidently, I have no idea how magnets work either)"

Harvey J Rabbit, you insane clown, you.

[deleted] · 1 year

I wonder if the author gets notifications when reviews go up. Can you imagine gleefully waking up to 100+ messages in your inbox only to realize they're all ogling the stock photo girl on the cover? This is a rare double win.

Carstin · 1 year

Precious Teeth

workcantfindmehere · 1 year

I submitted, but I would be mortified if it got approved.

"I thought they smelled bad on the outside...

Given the opportunity to have Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz, I thought I new what making good choices really felt like. And so far, I was right. There's a certain feeling of confidence one can carry if they know they've had the taste of the creamy white deliciousness that is Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. But no longer is Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz the leader of the proverbial high class pack. With smile lines, EVERYTHING is different. From the way a real mocha tastes, to the way the wind feels when you're sailing through the ocean waters, I can't imagine ever going back to my existence before this book. In fact, I'll be ordering another copy right now because of how my dick has torn apart the cover of this one."

largeuser · 1 year

This is an amazing prank and I heartily endorse it. With endorsements.

Number_6 · 1 year

The book was alright, but it was the woman on the front that caught my lonely eyes in Barnes and Noble. As soon as I saw her, I though "wow, if I ever saw her in a dark deserted alleyway, I would spread mustard on her eyes without even thinking."

Best one yet.

narcism · 1 year

Not a day goes by that I do not gaze in the poignant smile of the woman on this cover and ejaculate in various chapters in the book.

arcanereborn · 1 year

My Review:

Be warned, this book a Horcruxs for the darkest wizard that exists today, Dick Cheney. The pearly whites of the nymph on the cover serve as a self-defense mechanism to distract any inexperienced adventurer away from the dark magics that lay within this demonic tome. If you write your name within the book, you will have just entered a binding contract with the lord of the flies. You will develop an unending thirst for middle eastern oil, and will no longer be able to understand the concept of human rights. My recommendation for this book, ritual chicken sacrifice. On a side note the girl on the cover is wicked hot....totally worth it if you don't mind the evil spirit of dick Cheney haunting you....He get real chatty if read the NY Times around him.

philonius · 1 year

Here's mine...

Like many people in America, I have smile lines. The attractive young lady on the cover certainly does.

Mine, however, are no laughing matter, as years of smiling have eroded them so deep into my face that they often crack completely open, revealing glimpses of back teeth and mucous membrane to unsuspecting conversational partners. Although they do not bleed (much), the stigma associated with this crippling condition is enough to keep me home most days. Not to mention the extra-dry mouth I experience due to the increased oral airflow, and the ants that love to crawl into the lines when I am asleep and search for tidbits of dinner that my toothbrush missed.

I would warn all young people, this cheerful cover girl included, that smiling too much can lead to this rare but crippling condition. Get help now! Even a weekly application of a depressing movie or TV show, a quick listen to Rush Limbaugh, or, if nothing else, a swift hammer blow to the pinky can reduce the number of smiles you produce each week, thus reducing your chances of ending up like me. Practice sadness now, regularly, or you'll find yourself middle-aged, waking up with a mouthful of ant feces. The doctors say it's too small to taste. They are wrong. You've been warned.

1 year

[deleted]

bjs3171 · 1 year

i have definitely seen that picture before.

Beezlesnort · 1 year

Weird. Her picture is hanging on a banner in the building lobby.

karateexplosion · 1 year

I was born blind. Darkness is all I have ever known. My life is eternal night. Until my friend brought me a braille copy of this book ... the moment it was set before me, the cloud before my eyes was lifted. Her face was the first thing I have ever seen! It was like looking into the heart of a dove, nesting on a rainbow. I swear I heard angels singing. Now, not only my eyes have been opened, but also my soul.

link here

JAWE · 1 year

Tags Customers Associate with This Product: "masterbatory(15)" ಠ_ಠ

lizzykins97 · 1 year

Reddit, you guys are hilarious.

syllabelle · 1 year

It's not mine, but It wouldn't have smile lines if it took the lotion out of the basket and put it on its skin. made me snort. Out loud. At work. :P

thedevilyousay · 1 year

I lol'd at the discussion thread titled, "Downloading front cover picture."

adubbz · 1 year

HAAHAHA...This made me laugh out loud in the office..you are a good friend.

boxes_full_of_pepe · 1 year

I read the comments and they are quite entertaining. Make sure to let us know her reaction to them.

SupaDawg · 1 year

Is that the Drum n Monkey in Calgary?

CowGoesMoo · 1 year

Wow, you guys are too good at this.

monkey3 · 1 year

This is probably my favorite reddit of the day. Aw, who am I kidding? Favorite of the month!

EasilyAnnoyed · 1 year

Man, I feel bad for the guy who wrote this book:

"It is clear that we can laugh and smile without being lewd or demeaning. Clever word play, yes, but never hurtful, denigrating, or bigoted."

He is gonna be soooo pissed.

desalvostrikesback · 1 year

I've been researching for a couple days now and I have a few candidates, but if anyone has any more personal info on her send me an email, thanks!!

this is the best. so legitimately creepy it's not even funny.

calvin521 · 1 year

Vtec just kicked in,yo!

[deleted] · 1 year

For what was a very long and boring day at work...this kept me thoroughly entertained. Thank you VERY much.

diddy0071 · 1 year

My entry.

After reading other books by the publisher, I decided to give this book a shot, seeing as how I am a god fearing christian man, I was hoping to find something in here regarding my religious views. What I got, however, was a book about some crazy smiling scheme with a gorgeous dirty blond on the cover. Just staring at her eyes behind her black glasses, and the teeth on her made me think of impure thoughts. The thoughts became unbearable, and I sinned all over the inside of the book. I went to confessional, where I took the book with me. While confessing to the priest, her gaze and smile evoked the evil spirit in me again, and I sinned all over the cover. I couldn't help but to cry as I confessed my double sins. The priest, an understanding father, abolished my sins, before taking the book away. On Church Sunday, he brought the book out, blasting it's satanic values! I did however notice, the tarnished cover and stains in the book. The Priest had sinned on the book too, and he cried as he spoke to the whole congregation to never purchase this book! After the mass had ended, I was at Barnes and Noble, where I found 20 different people from my congregation purchasing this book! The Devil had gotten a strong hold on them! They each tried to hide their purchases, but it was apparent, from that Diabolical smile what book was in the their stack. I purchased the rest of the copies to burn at home, to follow the values instilled in my christian self. Sadly, when I arrived home, i was surrounded by 35 smiles of the woman on the cover. I couldn't help myself, and my carnal urges and I began sinning on every book, rolling her image around obscure parts of my body. I cried as I did this. I couldn't stop my sinning.

Now I sit here in my basement floor, 34 evil smiles staring back at me throughout the room. 1 copy I ended up ripping the smile off and eating it on Easter sunday with my communion wine, that is why there is only 34 left. I haven't been the same since. I try to leave my basement for more than 10 minutes, but I can't. The books call out to me, singing in unison, chanting for me to return, to relish in their glory. God forgive me, and save me from myself....

tandembandit · 1 year

Okay, who posted this photo to the Customer Image Gallery?

I almost woke my roommate up because I was laughing so hard.

Karmakazee · 1 year

You should have her do an AMA when this is over.

mystimel · 1 year

She should do an AMA when it's all over :)

Somasythe · 1 year

This looks like a book I can sink my teeth into.

troglodytes82 · 1 year

She deserved a poem, so she got one. I should have gone with iambic pentameter after re-reading it though.

toefer · 1 year

One of the 1-star reviews intrigued me, specifically this part:

You can imagine my surprise when I came across page 97. I mean seriously, who writes this kind of perversion? I had no idea that Smile Lines was a clever innuendo for such a nasty, nasty act that really goes against God and nature. After seeing the picture of that sweet, wholesome girl on the cover, I am in complete shock that such filth could be contained within the pages of a book with her adorable face on the cover. She should be ashamed!

What in the world is a Smile Line? Urban Dictionary has nothing.

yousirnaime · 1 year

Just in case you read the reviews without looking at the customer action shots, go back. So funny, i choked on my orange chicken (not a euphemism, panda express)

daebat · 1 year

this thread made my day

[deleted] · 1 year

I added the image with the creepy guy to the customer pics.

Dremen · 1 year

I inhaled a ladybug while laughing at the customer tags page. I wish I were kidding. Spat up the fucking shell.

AdoptASato · 1 year

No matter what anyone posts here, she still won't fuck you.

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