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[–]msa_wreck 222 points223 points ago

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We were out drinking when one of my friends was approached by a girl who was, well, I thought she was a little drunk but not too bad off.

At any rate she was coming on to my friend pretty heavily and he was shrugging her off. We finally decide to leave since the girl really wouldn't let him alone and as we go she shouts across the bar "FUCK MY CERVIX"

no joke.

[–]Travesura 88 points89 points ago

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she shouts across the bar "FUCK MY CERVIX"

It was a public cervix announcement.

[–]sweetlove 81 points82 points ago

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Goodness, that sounds uncomfortable.

[–]unanimus 18 points19 points ago

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Dear me.

[–]ehsteve23 224 points225 points ago

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...and that, kids, is the true story of how I met your mother.

[–]chasetopher 198 points199 points ago

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"If you take me to Red Robin I'll fuck you."

[–]Vorenus 222 points223 points ago

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It's the bottomless fries. My wife loves 'em too.

[–]tells 142 points143 points ago

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coincidence? I think not.

[–]highonfire 171 points172 points ago

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I've never been propositioned in a weird way, but once I was at this party at a college I didn't go to, so I didn't know anyone. Well, my friend was semi-shy around girls. He needed to work his way up and be all confident and stuff. So I figured hey, I'm drunk, I'll go act like an ass to this girl and then she'll be like, you suck, so when my buddy goes up to her she'll be more receptive.

So I saunter up to her. Slap her ass and say "baby, lemme play with that booty," in the most ghetto assed voice I could.

she did.

i felt sorry for my friend, but he ended up hooking up with another girl.

[–]CannedMango 157 points158 points ago

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You're a good friend, and you were justly rewarded.

[–]ofdubiousnature 17 points18 points ago

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Cosmic karma

[–]Porknog 819 points820 points ago

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I was in my early twenties, sitting with a large group at a blues bar. This cougar with enormous jugs and breath that could pickle cabbage had been eying me up for the better part of an hour, and finally got up the nerve to come over to our table. She leaned over and said "God you're fucking hot. You remind me of my son."

[–]Aboozed 252 points253 points ago

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Mom?

[–]navitatl 61 points62 points ago

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Greg, is that you?

(If it's not, there's a guy I work with named Greg who told me this exact same story)

[–]MrSnoobs 252 points253 points ago

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Wow. Lost for words.

[–]furple 182 points183 points ago

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You hit it right? Plz tell me you hit it. For fucks sake man, tell ME YOU FUCKING HIT IT!

[–]awesomerobot 284 points285 points ago

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When I was in college working at a retail videogame store:

It's dead, want to close early and fuck in the back room?

It was completely random, we were normally somewhat flirty - but nothing too different from any other time I've worked with a female. Only time in my life I had an actual spit-take. Also; it was awesome.

[–]MyNameIsntTyler 129 points130 points ago

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TIL what a spit-take was

[–]Pufflekun 170 points171 points ago

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Example: Three characters sit at a table. Character #3, wearing a yellow sweater, has a cup of juice in hand.

Character 1: Hey, did you hear about laundry detergents causing fatal psoriasis? (Character 3 sips from cup.) Character 2: Yeah, but only if you wear a yellow sweater. (Character 3 spits the juice all over the table.)

What the fuck kind of example is that?

[–]Quady 101 points102 points ago

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TIL that Bozarking edits Wikipedia.

[–]Koreapsu 273 points274 points ago

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I was about 16 and a surfer/skater at the time. Myself and a couple of mates were hanging out at a local skate shop a couple of hours after closing, just basically drinking a bit and skating around inside the shop.

Anyway one of the girls working there would've been in her early to mid 20s and was that kind of tattooed hot skater girl. We all wanted her but never thought we had a chance, until this night. I have no idea how it came up but after a bit of drinking and me bragging that I could land a double kick flip off the table she said "If you can land that I'll give you a blow job".

None of us could believe it, but the older guys who worked there laughed and it seemed pretty serious. I'd never actually landed the kicky off a bench or table so I was basically just talking shit. Needless to say I jumped up onto the bench, half drunk and skated to the end. The double kick flip came off flawlessly. I landed it perfectly and spun around and looked right at her. The older guys laughed, she grabbed my hand and we went to the back room and the debt was paid in full.

For a while there I was a fucking legend with the rest of my mates :)

[–]MistyMountainHop 19 points20 points ago

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Fuck, I've never even managed to do a proper kickflip. Well done.

[–]Rob_C 45 points46 points ago

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If I just had more blowjob motivation I bet I could achieve all kinds of amazing things!

[–]jmblur 186 points187 points ago

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Held my 21st birthday party at my apartment in college on a Friday night. Girl I was kind of friends with (friend of a friend) and who I had been flirting with for a few weeks shows up, and asks me to unlock my bedroom so she can leave her toothbrush and clothes for tomorrow in there.

[–][deleted] 32 points33 points ago

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Holy shit. Was this just like a joke pick-up line or did she actually have said items and mean it?

[–]aliasforspam 738 points739 points ago

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One summer for extra cash (I might have been 20 at the time), I took a job with a taxi company that the father of a friend of mine owned. One day I bring a pretty nasty looking, strung-out chick from a housing project to the super market. The meter lands on $5.10 - She looks at me, holds a five out and says, "what can I do to make up the rest?" with a suggestive tone. I just came right back, "If its only worth 10 cents, I don't want it."

[–]squire636 273 points274 points ago

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Similar story. Senior year of high school, I was about to drive myself home at the end of the day, and a Junior girl from my physics class asked me for a ride home. I was in a rush because I had to get changed at home and come back for a lacrosse game, and driving her home would add about 8 minutes to my trip. But she told me "hey I'll come to your lacrosse game today if you drive me home now" so of course I said sure. Anyway, we get to her house and she says "okay thanks, but I need you to pick me up again later on the way to your game."

Now I'm confused, because the game doesn't start for about 90 minutes and I just have to be there early for warmups. I'm also pissed off because this means that either I just drove out of my way for nothing, or I have to give her another ride in order to get what she promised. So I kind of rudely say, "I have to pick you up again? What do I get for that, a blowjob?"

She just winks and gets out of the car.

Needless to say, I went home and got changed in record time, and picked her up a few minutes later. There's nothing quite like road head before a big game.

[–]MasterBeef 123 points124 points ago

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you liar, i saw a porno with the EXACT same storyline

[–]mindplunge 26 points27 points ago

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The movie you saw was based on his story. Read the credits...

[–]zavoid 33 points34 points ago

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porn has credits?

[–]mindplunge 71 points72 points ago

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I know... most of us don't make it that far

[–]Ochobobo 20 points21 points ago

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LOL at the thought of someguy jacking off to the closing credits sequence for a porno

[–]ducttape36 87 points88 points ago

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you cant call someone a liar just because its the same story in a porn. rule 34 and all.

[–]hatboysam 183 points184 points ago

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One summer for extra cash

On a thread about sex, this didn't seem like it was going anywhere good (or legal).

[–]masterm 280 points281 points ago

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shoulda said show me yo tits. its worth ten cents, and you cant get stds

[–]Scarker 143 points144 points ago

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I beg to differ.

[–]ToasterforHire 124 points125 points ago

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That tits are worth 10 cents, or you can't get STDs from looking at them?

[–]chieftan 378 points379 points ago

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Yes.

[–][deleted] 76 points77 points ago

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Eye STD's burn into your skull.

[–]arah91 174 points175 points ago

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Hearing AIDs are the wort though.

[–]TerribleDay 85 points86 points ago

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Thats what you call Visual Aids

[–]Scarker 35 points36 points ago

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No, the fact that he said "its" without the apostrophe. Fuck that.

[–]okletstrythisagain 81 points82 points ago

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once I was at a basement bar in Long Island City (Queens NY) and a cute young woman approached me, saying in a very matter of fact way that she was giving blowjobs in the bathroom. i assumed she was kidding, but later when i went to the bathroom there was a line of guys who probably didn't need to urinate. This i could deduce because the door was half open. perhaps the strangest thing is that nobody was gawking or acting oddly. seemed to be business as usual for everyone but me.

i should note this was early evening, because i was meeting for a drink before band rehearsal, couldn't have been any later than 8PM this happened. no crazy last call situation here, she didn't even seem drunk.

[–]xbrand2 126 points127 points ago

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I see you've met my whore of an ex-girlfriend.

[–]Insanire 39 points40 points ago

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THIRTY SEVEN COCKS!

[–]assholio 406 points407 points ago

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I don't want to scare the younger redditors, mine was repeated several times over a 12 month span, it went something like this; "get your cock in here, I've just taken my temperature and I think I'm ovulating".

[–]yaunderstandard 250 points251 points ago

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I'm 12 years old and what is this?

[–]godbois 382 points383 points ago

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Well, son. When a bird checks out the titties on a really hot bee..

[–]Kraeten 140 points141 points ago

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Upvoted for destroying innocent childhood analogies.

[–]DanLar75 733 points734 points ago

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A girl in her 20s once looked me straight in the eyes (we had never talked) and continued to pour her entire drink in her own lap. She then waved me over and told me 'see how wet you make me'..

Yeah, I fucked her..

[–]Codeegirl 359 points360 points ago

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That is the best pickup line I've ever heard from a chick. Pure awesome.

[–][deleted] 327 points328 points ago

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Unless it doesn't work, and then you're just some rejected shmuck who looks like she's pissed herself.

[–]jkh77 271 points272 points ago

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All or nothing, man!

[–]GeorgeWashingblagh 164 points165 points ago

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I was shithoused at a party and sitting on a couch when a girl came up and poured some of her drink on my crotch while I was looking at something. She goes, "Hey...you pissed yourself" the rest of the night I was profusely apologizing to her and the guy who owned the couch. She told me the next day what happened. I didn't fuck her.

[–][deleted] 90 points91 points ago

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Seems like she fucked you.

[–]bernerowner 125 points126 points ago

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and she had no intentions of fucking you

[–]infinityplus1 24 points25 points ago

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Oh she fucked him alright.

[–]HaCutLf 310 points311 points ago

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Some girl I was talking to over AIM said she was "waiting" for me to date her. This is a girl who I only talked to once in highschool, so it was like 4 years later (she found me on MySpace). She said all of this stuff about how we were supposed to be together and engage in copious amounts of sex. Needless to say, I was pretty shocked, so I sat there trying to think of something to say, then she calls me and says that it was her cousin typing to me on her AIM name, or something. She then said something like "either way, I'm willing to fuck if you are."

She was a very strange person.

[–]EnragedAlbinoYak 165 points166 points ago

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The million dollar question: Did you?

[–]HaCutLf 182 points183 points ago

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Ehh, I couldn't do it. She's too fragile to mess with. I think if I did she'd become more attached than she imagined she was. It would've been a bad move, I think.

[–]warpstalker 117 points118 points ago

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It would've been a bad move, I think.

But now you'll never know...

[–]Vorenus 104 points105 points ago

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Some things - you don't want to know how they'd have turned out.

Like the time when i was 7 and I almost set fire to the neighbors house. I still think i'd have been fine letting the whole thing burn if there wasn't a garden hose conveniently placed, and i hadn't been spotted by their dog.

{{ more }}

The dog started barking and it didn't occur to me that he'd be barking at the fire even if i wasn't there. The hose nearby was the neighbor's on the other side. I panicked at the dog, and ran over to crank the neighbor's hose on. Sprayed that fucker down furiously, and the neighbor came out to see why his hose was on. He ran out and took the hose from me and finished putting the fire out.

He never called the fire department or anything, just told the people what happened when they got home. The people never said anything to me about it, and i kept waiting for all hell to come down on me. I thought they were going to wait until christmas to tell my parents. (i'm like 8, right? Just don't ruin christmas.)

Anyway the neighbor with the hose some years later told me that he'd seen me playing with a lighter in my yard - making small piles of leaves and burning them - and knew the fire i'd set was an accident and that i felt terrible. He claimed to the people that he noticed the fire as he was washing up in the kitchen sink, and ran out and hosed it down by himself.

Then when i was a teenager, at a high school pep rally the father of that family said to me something about "They letting you light the bonfire tonight, (Vorenus?)"

[–][deleted] 174 points175 points ago

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That is most definitely the oddest proposition for sex in this thread.

[–]bloomed 55 points56 points ago

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I was a freshman in college, having a party in my apartment, as we did pretty much every weekend.

There were 20 or so people there, and some people I didn't know, which was cool.

After things cooled down a small group of us watched some TV in my room (which I shared with a roomate) for a while until people started going home. Except for this girl.

She was decently attractive, but the whole night she had been playing up how "DRUNK~!" she was.

My roomate and I were ready to sleep, so we told her: "Here's a blanket and sleeping bag, you can sleep on my bed, and i'll sleep on the floor."

She insisted she wanted to sleep on the floor, so we set her up and started getting ready for bed. As we were getting in bed, she opened her purse and set a few condoms on the table next to her and said "you guys can do whatever you want with me, but just make sure to use these and clean up when you're done." and she just passed out.

Needless to say, we didn't touch her, and we woke up the next morning and she was gone.

[–]diggcalledtheymissu 27 points28 points ago

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"and she just passed out."

I suspect she wasn't that drunk and was just playing possum. I never messed around with girls that pretended to be asleep - I think I must have driven them up the wall for not going for it.

[–][deleted] 530 points531 points ago

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When I 18 and working at a summer camp, a 14 year old camper came up to me and said "I've been told I give good blowjobs" I told her "I've been told statutory's a bitch"

[–]MrSnoobs 269 points270 points ago

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Good response.

[–]crownofworms 167 points168 points ago

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When I was 19 I went to my cousin birthday party but I didn't pay a lot of attention to her and instead hanged out with my uncle who's a really fun guy, after a while my cousin calls me and says that a friend wants to talk to me, confused as hell about why would a 14 years old girl want to talk to me I went to her room and after I got in my cousin gets out and closes the door, there was one of her friends grinning and posing in a very suggestive way, shocked I didn't knew what to do and stood there until I heard her say, do you want me? I couldn't voice an answer and got the fuck out of there, after that the girl stalked me for a while, but too young dude!

[–]JayceMJ 160 points161 points ago

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So, did you get on that shit 4 years later?

[–]Disobedientmuffin 164 points165 points ago

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right, you just sparked a memory of a friend of mine.

She was 14, he was 18 and she approached him while walking around the mall, the natural mating grounds of the teenager. He apparently politely declined but gave this girl his home phone number and says, 'You call me on your 18th.'

Fast forward 4 years and he gets this phone call at his parents house while home on Spring Break. 'Yeah, you probably don't remember me but..' that damn girl kept his number for 4 freakin years and called him on her 18th birthday to see if he wanted to go out.

All the guys thought he was a walking legend, all the girls were ready to call the cops. One date later he realized she had built up this image of some prince charming and never saw her again.

[–]CDRnotDVD 38 points39 points ago

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all the girls were ready to call the cops.

Why was that?

[–]bmb0x 450 points451 points ago

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The summer after senior year of high school, I was hanging out with a good friend and his girlfriend. She had a very hot friend over; I knew this girls name but that's about it. We are all watching a movie, and this girl grabs a blanket and sits right next to me. It's June, so blankets aren't needed, unless of course you want to secretly jerk someone off under it. Which is exactly what she wanted to do.

After a few minutes of this she stands up and says "bmb0x and I would like to chat in private for a few minutes" and motions to the spare bedroom down the hall. She askes me to grab a drink for her. No idea whats going on, I grab a drink and head to the room. Open then door, and she is naked except a thong on the bed. We have wild amazing sex for an hour, never hear from her again.

[–]abledanger 556 points557 points ago

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I hope she actually said "bmb0x". With the zero and everything.

[–]bmb0x 248 points249 points ago

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Why do you think I brought her a drink? The handjob was mediocre at best.

[–]ivyleagueredneck 300 points301 points ago

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every handjob is mediocre at best

[–]ffunyman 699 points700 points ago

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How to give a good handjob

Step one: Use your mouth

[–]uglybunny 244 points245 points ago

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The best kind of handjob is a blowjob.

[–]raegx 370 points371 points ago

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I was at a college party that was being hosted by my two friends. The rest of the party attenders were mutual friends and a smattering of people who were friends of friends.

One of the people I didn't know was a dark haired girl with pale/ivory skin; my personal favorite. I watch her for a little and determine she is just an attention whore. She is hanging off literally every guy who gets close to her and proceeded to strip to "win" at beer pong. I decide she isn't worth my time and just enjoy the party and ignore her.

A bit later I decide its time to leave the party. Its late and I am loaded and I have a long walk back to my place. As I'm putting my shoes on by the door Mrs. Dark Hair comes over and grabs my arm and says "Where are YOUUUUUUUU going?",

Me: "Home, I am going to crash hard."

Her: "Oh can I come?"

Me: "You mean you need a ride? I am way not cool to drive."

Her: "No, can I come home with you?"

Me: <blank stare>

Me: <realization that grin on her face means something>

Me: "No."

I left. She ended up sleeping with one of my friends. After she was done she went across the hall and slept with my other friend. Neither knew they had both done her until I asked who she was a week later. Both said "yea she slept over and I hit that". The conversation after that was an attempt to establish who got sloppy seconds.

[–]3HourLineForSanta 322 points323 points ago

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"No."

Awesome. That takes balls, blue as they may be...

[–]CMEast 32 points33 points ago

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Hah, I remember doing something very similar to a mates' girlfriends' friend... if you can follow that. She spent the whole night flirting with anyone that looked at her (though to be fair she did approach me quite a bit for a dance... but she was an awful dancer, she'd just hump my leg like a dog whenever an RnB song was playing, urgh) and at the end of the night she just straight out asked me for a 'shag'. I said no cos I didn't really know her and back then I hated the idea of a one-night-stand so she stomped off and jumped on the first passing neanderthal. Her mates were laughing for the rest of the night as she'd never been turned down before apparently... glad I said no.

[–][deleted] 1019 points1020 points ago

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The condoms were for her penis

[–]pushad 141 points142 points ago

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But the hammer is her penis...

[–]sibtiger 52 points53 points ago

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Alright, the D&D bit of your story reminded me of an one time that was indeed quite strange.

So I'm living in Banff National Park in Alberta for the summer, at a hotel in the middle of nowhere. We occasionally would go down the mountain to the small (VERY small) village for a change of drinking scenery.

One time I go down with two female coworkers to this really scuzzy bar- the best way to describe it would be that it felt like you were living in an AC/DC song. While we're hanging out drinking there, I go off for a bit to talk to some other acquaintances and come back to find my two coworkers talking to this girl. She was definitely attractive- curvy, pale skin, black hair type. One of the girls gives me a "We found one for you!" look and introduces us.

We start talking, and the conversation brings about two important pieces of information. One, she's a big nerd, in fact possibly a bigger nerd than me- she'd gone to star wars conventions in cosplay, even. She also says she was a lesbian- I suppose she was actually trying to get with one of my coworkers. Whatever, I think, I actually enjoy talking with her so we continue to do so for a while, both of us being intensely nerdy.

Then all of a sudden, she moves in closer to me and says "... you know, I just want to get laid tonight." "...I thought you were a lesbian?" "I am. But I'm not a very good lesbian."

How can I counter logic like that?

[–]Harry_Seaward 96 points97 points ago

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A prisoner named Bill said, "You're going to be sleeping under me for a while."

Turns out I had been sold for some cigarettes.

[–]rybl 23 points24 points ago

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I once had a similar experience, but I was able to use my skills as an analrapist to drive him to suicide.

[–]orangepotion 42 points43 points ago

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You should totally write a movie script with it.

The Jude Apatow angle: she gets pregnant, you both marry, and have zany kids, one of which is Micheal Cera.

The Morgan Freeman version: she teaches the depth of the human soul: "I'll never forget the day I first lay eyes on craygirlwithabagofcondoms."

The Wes Craven story: she takes you to an abandoned school, drugs you and proceeds to eviscerate you while you have vivid nightmares about the whole process.

The David Lynch show: Like the above one, but she is also having sex with you as she eviscerates you.

The indie comedy: She is played by Zooey Deschanel, and proceeds to fuck your brains out and then dumps you for the singer in a Mexican Jewish hip hop band that lives in New York.

The stupid indie comedy: Ellen Page proceeds to get pregnant while drinking all your whisky. Also, the condoms had holes in them.

The French film: The girl falls in love with you, and you for her; you travel the world together,and then she dies while drinking coffee.

The Mexican contemporary film: She has sex with you, and you travel throughout the country trying to see her again, only to find out that you have unresolved homoerotic tendencies and that your dog is a killer.

The Indian film: it is great tragedy,but everybody dances and sing for 3 hours. It is also a complete success, but nobody in the US has heard of it. Amitabh Bachan acts as the father of the bride.

[–]creatineluster 120 points121 points ago

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So, did you used to play dungeons and dragons??

[–]Sciencefictionporn[S] 123 points124 points ago

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Yeah I did, but I have no idea how she would have ascertained that from my appearance. Which makes me think that's her pickup line. Maybe it's a filter, anyone that says no isn't nerdy enough for her.

[–][deleted] 131 points132 points ago

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You'd be surprised what perceptive people can tell about you from how you look, carry yourself, speak, interact with people etc. Nerdy people are extremely easy to spot even if they don't dress or look like nerds.

[–]DroppaMaPants 41 points42 points ago

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to take her out you need to roll a 7 or higher?

[–]Melons 40 points41 points ago

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Did you have trap detection?

[–]Inanna26 154 points155 points ago

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I go to college on this tiny campus (Lawrence University) in Wisconsin. This is a place where security's a joke, because NOTHING bad happens. I was walking home kinda late one night when this car comes driving by, stops, and the driver leans out and asks 'Where can we find prostitutes?' I told him 'I don't know', to which he replied 'Well, will YOU sleep with my friend here? We'll pay you a lot!' I said that my boyfriend would be rather annoyed if I slept with someone else, even for money. He told me I was really sexy, I thanked him and walked away.

[–]ConstipatedSherlock 82 points83 points ago

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Should have told him 222 South Walnut Street.

[–]stumonji 39 points40 points ago

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I don't know where this guy ran off to, but in his stead...

here's the reference!

[–]phalcon 215 points216 points ago

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When I was 16 my friend and I were looking around Spencer's. He wandered off and some older (mid twenties, maybe) chick sidled up to me and says, "Hey, have you ever had oral sex?" I wasn't sure I heard her right, so I ask her to repeat herself. "Have you ever had oral sex?" I tell her no, so she says "Do you want to?" Now, I know BJs are relatively hard to come by at that age when you're kind of a geek, but something inside me told me that good things probably wouldn't come of saying yes. I told her no and left to wait outside for my friend. He laughed at me all the way to the car.

[–]bluehawk_one 327 points328 points ago

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Something probably was very wrong mate. Leave out the regrets.

[–][deleted] 175 points176 points ago

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Yeah, disease-free, non-robber, non-killer girls generally don't do that shit.

[–]imstuckonatrain 131 points132 points ago

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its a trap!

[–]Burnt-Orange 146 points147 points ago

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It's the clap!

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points ago

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It's hard enough to leave a Spencer's without an STD in the first place, but with whores? Fugetaboutit.

[–]ParanoydAndroid 290 points291 points ago*

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I don't know if it's technically the strangest, but the ballsiest I've been propositioned was at a party at my college dorm.

The guy was the friend of a friend, flown in to visit us in sunny Hawai'i. We have a welcome-party, and about 2 hours into it (i.e., two hours into meeting him at all) we run out of liquor and I have to grab more from my room.

He accompanies me and suddenly points a finger down the hall, *point* "Hey, what's that?"

I look for "that", and he roughly (the good rough) pushes me against the wall and dives in for a kiss.

It was a pretty adorable mix of childish trickey and manly confidence; his gambit payed off.

[–]EvilGargamel 351 points352 points ago

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That shit actually works?? Dear God!

[–]MrSnoobs 241 points242 points ago

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It's that or pepper spray and a court order. Seems pretty risky to me. :/

[–][deleted] 125 points126 points ago

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Yeah, if you're going to do this you better have a pretty good feeling it's going to work. Recognizing when somebody is into you is almost an art unto itself.

[–]MrSnoobs 87 points88 points ago

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Clearly an art which I do not possess :(

[–]CMEast 134 points135 points ago

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It's easy, men aren't actually funny. Tell a few jokes and if she laughs then she likes you.

[–]dog_time 170 points171 points ago

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Unless you are funny, then you're fucked.

[–]leinaht 89 points90 points ago

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Or not, as the case may be.

[–]stevia3333 47 points48 points ago

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as the amount of time you've spent playing video games rises, the chance that it will work lowers

[–]korgathbladefist 90 points91 points ago

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There's a fine line between rape and confidence.

[–]greyscalehat 43 points44 points ago

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Could you please elaborate on two situtions where its clear what the difference between good rough and bad rough with that being the first sexual action?

[–]bernerowner 19 points20 points ago

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Are you a dude?

[–]ParanoydAndroid 21 points22 points ago

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Yes, yes I am.

[–]Exponential 38 points39 points ago

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A very large fat naked man tried to trick me into following him behind the sand dunes. I barely staved off rape.

Spring break, freshman year, College. My two friends and I headed down south in a rental car. We stayed with my grandparents in Pensacola and joked about how lame we were, sitting on my grandma's couch, watching "real" college kids get crazy on MTV. We wanted the College experience but were too dumb to really know where to go. We went to a strip club, and drank, but Pensacola is not by any stretch of the imagination, a spring break town.

My grandpa had joked that they had a nearby nudist beach and we might want to check it out. We had visions of Porky's 3 and hot chicks everywhere. What we got were weird old sweaty people eating chips and fat men drinking beer out of coolers by themselves.

We said, "let's get the hell out of here" as the elderly man who looked like a prune bent over for a frisbee.

"Oh shit, where are the keys!"? My friend said,

We all looked through our pockets and couldn't find them.

"We musta dropped them down on the sand, let's spread out", I said.

So I head in one direction, they in theirs. As I'm WALK-SPRINTING along the beach trying to avoid looking at 59 year old naked people, scanning up and down the beach for the keys, this HUGE guy, 6 foot 6, huge pot-belly, tanned to leather and huge schlong right in my face approaches and says,

"Hey what's that sign say?" He's pointing to the sign next to the dunes that says, "Stay off of the dunes!". Clearly this creep is not a first timer at this beach and knows what the signs say.

"Uh, stay off the dunes, hey I gotta go, looking for something", I mumble and try to walk off.

"You think anybody ever goes back there?" he says, in a serious tone.

"I don't know, look I gotta go."

"Hey you look good. I know this real rich girl. She's a millionaire. She likes to screw like five dudes at once and she'll pay you like 600 dollars. You ever do anything like that?"

!!!!!!!!

"Hey I gotta go. Sorry" was all I could think of saying.

"Hey, let's just go behind those dunes there!", he said with a creepy grin, huge penis wagging in the wind.

I sprinted to the car. My friend found the keys in one of our bags.

[–]lear 34 points35 points ago

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A couple of weeks ago this guy walked up to me and asked, "can I get some money from you?"

I was in a hurry to get to a meeting for work and I honestly didn't have any so I told him the truth, "sorry man, I don't have any."

"Okay, so can I get a ride somewhere?"

"Look, I'm kind of late as it is, I'm sorry."

"Are you pregnant?"

"What? No."

"...you wanna be?" followed by an eyebrow waggle.

It was the weirdest exchange I've had with a panderer/ person in need of a ride/ someone coming on to me.

[–][deleted] 70 points71 points ago

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WHERE ARE ALL THESE HORNY, READY-TO-FUCK WOMEN YOU GUYS ARE RUNNING INTO?!?!

[–]diggcalledtheymissu 166 points167 points ago

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outside

[–]illuminachos 20 points21 points ago

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IT'S A TRAP

[–][deleted] 892 points893 points ago

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i got a call from my girlfriend telling me her two friends and her were looking for a place to drink the bottles of strawberry hill they had acquired, and asked if they could come over.

told her, sure...

my girlfriend is blonde and swedish, having arrived a few years earlier, and one of her friends a petite brunette with gorgeous pale skin, and the other a more filled out brunette - all three just gorgeous.

they came over and popped open the bottles and after they had a buzz going, my girlfriend goes into the kitchen saying she's going to make a peanut butter and honey sandwich.

she calls out asking where the honey is. i tell her. she says she can't find it.

so i go to the kitchen to get it for her and she surprises me by squishing the plastic-bear-bottle of honey with its lid off over my head.

i was like, "WTF?" and the three girls erupt with laughter.

i rack it up to them getting drunk and having a laugh, so i don't get very mad. i tell them to pardon me, i'm hopping in the shower to wash off the honey.

i go through my bedroom to my bathroom, turn on the water to heat up the shower, pull off my clothes, and get in.

was in there for maybe a minute when the bathroom door opens and all three girls get into the shower with me.

ended up in bed the happiest guy on earth

[–]midnight_train 344 points345 points ago

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Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

[–]moscowramada 1011 points1012 points ago

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I'm from Sweden and I can confirm this is true. In fact we have a word for it, Bjaggenswammker - it means 'good houseguest.' Basically it's a custom that started off in the middle ages, when wood was scarce and people would have to take showers in the same bathtub to conserve heat, and have sex just to stay warm enough to survive. In fact I'm married with three children and yet nobody thinks it's cheating when the power goes out and the girls from the neighboring nursing institute showerfuck me in the morning (although my wife does complain if the water bill is high - she says they 'take advantage' of our kindness).

[–]ThePsion5 1322 points1323 points ago

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Nice try, Swedish Tourism Agency.

[–]lewicki 401 points402 points ago

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More like Swedish Tourism Department

[–]hmasing 213 points214 points ago

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http://img.skitch.com/20100307-x2qj3c1ryrhp3mawcsapsgqg96.jpg

God, how I hate the Internet and its ability to prove things false. If there was ONE fscking thing in the world I wanted to believe in, it was Bjäggenswämmker. God is dead. Bjäggenswämmker is mortally wounded.

weeps softly

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]AtlasRune 28 points29 points ago

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[–]alsimone 22 points23 points ago

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I giggled. Thank you...but now it burns when I pee.

[–]FredAstaireTappedTht 34 points35 points ago

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[–]Tarv2[!] 57 points58 points ago

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A world where Bjaggenswammker is real, I want to go to there.

[–]Fluxiow 54 points55 points ago

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This is the greatest thing I have ever read.

[–]Nordoisthebest 162 points163 points ago

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Keep on trollin'

[–]syzgyn 180 points181 points ago

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If all trolls were this funny, think how great the world would be.

[–]the_hitchhiker 56 points57 points ago

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Imagine a Bjaggenswammker

It isn't hard to do

Everything to fap for

And no restriction too

Imagine all the people

Doing each other in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

[–]dantheman0207 86 points87 points ago

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Bad troll. That's just mean.

[–]uber_troll 20 points21 points ago

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... I know right?

[–]Tomble 68 points69 points ago

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My friend, an Australian, overseas in a bar. Talking to two attractive girls and flirting.

Girl: "So.. do you want to come back to our place for an Aussie sandwich?"

My friend : "Oh, no thanks, I've already eaten".

Girls : (Disappointed) "Oh.. okay. Well, bye then!"

My friend two hours later, back home. "Wait a second.... THEY DIDN'T MEAN FOOD"

[–][deleted] 890 points891 points ago

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Well, there was this one time while I was out, some chick waved at me, not knowing her I just smiled and waved back. Turns out her boyfriend was behind me and they proceeded to make out infront of me.

I hope you all got fucking aids from these whores.

[–]That_Fking_Guy 325 points326 points ago

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upvoted for name.

[–]expires2010 119 points120 points ago

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"we either want to suck your blood or have sex" - two girls to my brother and I.

[–]49rows 70 points71 points ago

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[–]rocketsurgery 87 points88 points ago

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Does it even count as sex without a little bloodshed?

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Knute5 106 points107 points ago

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"Dear Reddit Forum, I never believed this could happen to me..."

[–]gzip_this 58 points59 points ago

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"... there I was studying for my Botany midterm at my college library..."

[–]malefic_puppy 42 points43 points ago

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"...when this gorgeous blond girl from the class, on which I've had my eyes on for a long time, sat just in front of me..."

[–]dakboy 25 points26 points ago

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I was Best Man in a wedding a few years back (single at the time). The Maid of Honor & I got along well, we'd never met before the weekend. She had a boyfriend back at college a few states away, but we were friendly throughout the weekend, maybe the occasional flirting.

She mentioned that she hadn't gotten a room at the hotel where the reception was being held, so she was going to have to catch a ride back to the bride's mother's house after the festivities were over. My hotel room had 2 double beds, so I suggested to her that she crash in my room. At some point early in the weekend, she makes it known that she's "in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend."

After the wedding reception, most of us in the wedding party, aside from the newlyweds of course, kept partying because we had no transportation concerns. The MoH, one bridesmaid (under 21), another groomsman & I closed up the hotel bar and were all pretty well lit.

The 4 of us retreated to my room. The bridesmaid was supposed to be staying in her mother's hotel room, but she was under 21 and completely hammered - she'd have been in a heap of trouble coming back to the room that drunk. She sat down on one of the beds, fell backward & immediately passed out. The groomsman sat next to her, fell backwards, and also passed out.

MoH & I changed into gym shorts & t-shirts to sleep, and hopped into the other bed. After a few minutes, things started getting frisky. She hopped on top of me and I told her "uh, I wasn't expecting this to happen, I didn't bring anything."

Her response: "I don't care."

[–]tyrmanosaurusflex 70 points71 points ago

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after having several casual cups of jager, i brought a girl back to my friends place in ellensburg. I was wearing a particularly flattering light blue shirt with 5 whales on it, and "Rockport, Mass." written at the top. She proceeded to stroke my chest, while seductively whispering "Are they sperm whales?"

I fucked her and sold the shirt to a friend for $30.

[–]mimiro 109 points110 points ago

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There was a girl I had seen around a few times, one of those angles girls. Some angles she seemed nerdily cute, other angles she looked like a horrifyingly creepy girl that would kill me in my sleep. You know the type. I am an amateur photographer and so am always taking pictures of everything, she ended up in a few pictures giving what I thought was her 'I'm insane and want to kill you' look, as I later found out it was her attempt at playing seductive.

So I dance with her one time (swing dancing) because I am a nice guy and won't turn a girl down, and jokingly mention that she gives some interesting, and somewhat frightening, facial expressions. At which point she says I have no need to worry, she isn't armed tonight. Not even a little knife... And that even if she was, killing people is against her religion. But then again runs her finger down my spine and a little lower "so is sex but that doesn't stop me there" while then squeezing my butt. I made haste to get away...

[–]DroppaMaPants 103 points104 points ago

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i woulda hit dat

[–]bcos4life 25 points26 points ago

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WTF!!! Crazy chicks are always the best fucks.

[–]Snufflesaur 73 points74 points ago

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The first time I ever got drunk was when I was 15. My friend had a house by the beach in Santa Monica and his parents were out of town. There were 3 guys including myself and my friend invited 3 girls over who I had never met that went to some private school. We got drunk at his house and decided to walk over to the beach and hang out at a lifeguard tower because there's no one there at night, except for the random homeless guy, and cops generally didn't patrol there. One of the girls quickly expressed interest in me and was hanging all over me all night. I was a virgin at the time and had never done anything but make out before. This girl, although not bad looking, was trashed beyond belief and she was begging to give me a blow job right there on the beach. I'll admit I was kinda afraid, so I yelled for help from my friend and he came over and pulled her off of me. It's a good thing I didn't go for it because soon after, she proceeded to urinate all over herself. That was an awesome night.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]notcaptainkirk 141 points142 points ago

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"He'll be busy this weekend, he likes to feel the side walls."

High five your wife for me.

[–]tuna_safe_dolphin 26 points27 points ago

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Seriously, that's one of the best quips I've ever heard.

[–]ofdubiousnature 16 points17 points ago

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Your wife kicks serious ass

[–]punzada 76 points77 points ago

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She's a keeper, good find mate :)

[–]jun2san 45 points46 points ago

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So I have a profile on a dating website and I get a message from a pregnant chick saying "are you free tonight?" and out of curiousity I reply "sure what's up?" she replies back "well, I liked your profile and I'm just looking for a guy to come over between 9 and 10pm, give me a cream pie and leave. By the way, Ive done some porn and if you google Judy marie porn you should find me. The rule is, come over, creampie, no condom and leave." I looked her up and she was from my city but there was no way I was going to fall for this ploy. I reply telling her (or whoever it was) to stop wasting my time and go find some other idiot to fall for this. She replied back cussing me out. I feel bad for anyone who fell for this. Couple things came to mind: robbery attempt or finding a sucker to frame.

[–]cunninlynguist 80 points81 points ago

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Nice try, JUDY MARIE'S AGENT!

[–]oCasta 19 points20 points ago

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This just happened as I was reading the thread, so I might as well share: a friend of mine texted me and told me that we need to go penis hiding when we get back to school. She says she bought some sexy underwear and she is sad that no one will see them now that she and her boyfriend have separated.

In other news, I just got a new camera for my birthday...

[–]diggcalledtheymissu 22 points23 points ago

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[–]sfacets 81 points82 points ago

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Some girl sent me an email. How weird is that?

[–]joellevin 118 points119 points ago

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Mal. Guy killed me, Mal. He killed me with a sword. How weird is that?

[–]Dog-E-Style 218 points219 points ago

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Sigh

In high school my best friend rented a hotel room and threw a little party because he was leaving for the Navy soon. Thing is, the party was not a party at all. I got there and it was just me and him. He was a good guy and my best bud, so I didn't think a ton of it at the time. Then he whips out his dick and asks me to show him mine. Nope. I still brushed it off and the incident didn't change much. I went on to be best man in his wedding. A few months later he came out of the closet as flaming-ass gay. He was a fucktoy for some fairly rich and famous people. It wasn't till he came out of the closet that I realized that hotel room thing was a proposition for gay sex. Weird.

She got in the cab and asked me to take her friends home first. After they got out of the cab she hopped up front and started whipping out her perky cans. The showing of cans is a common occurence so I didn't think much of it at the time, but when we pulled in to her parking lot she points me to a spot right in front of her door, right under the light, and says the truck we are next to is her husbands. then she handed me $20, ripped my pants open and buried her face on my bone. That was finished quick. She was good. Then she hops in the back of the cab, pulls down her pants and bends over. Nope. Had my money. Already blew one wad. It was bar close time and had to go.

Another one just kept staring at me and saying "In and out". This went on for twenty minutes. She was hammered big time. She wouldn't get out of the cab. She kept trying to climb onto my lap. Again this was at bar close time. When I finally got her to get out of the cab she fell flat on her ass and couldn't get up. Hammered. She's still staring at me saying "in and out". I pick her up and help her to the apartment. I finally ask her, do you mean that you want to fuck? She nods in agreement and pulls my face to her cans and utters her apartment number. She comes to a little more and just starts yanking me in to her room. She rips open her shirt and throws herself on the bed. I was basically creeped the fuck out and left. I either had to help her inside or call the cops. I couldn't just leave the bitch outside in the winter. But still, this chick was ready to fuck within two minutes of meeting. Her pick-up line was "in and out". She was persistent.

I got a call to pick two people up. I get there and it's an older dude with some stinky fat young broad. We get to the destination. he goes in to the store and has me and the chick wait outside. Within a minute of him being gone she starts talking about how much she loves to fuck and she whips out her cans. She asks if I want to come in to the back and fuck her. I smiled and said no thanks. She then went on to tell me that she had just an hour earlier had anal sex with some dude for $20.

I'm not even gonna go on, but there is more.

[–]sodoh 159 points160 points ago

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At least one of those stories sound like you got off lucky.

One of the locals is a cab driver. He was dropping off a couple somewhere (not important). When they get into the cab they mention they have no money and the husband goes in to get money. The wife is in the front seat.

As soon as he comes out of the house the wife starts screaming that he (taxi driver) is sexually assaulting her. "Get your hands off me!, Help he is raping me!".

The local guy proceeded to lock all the doors so the husband couldn't get in and told him he could meet him and his wife at the local police station.

He drove to the station, went in and asked to be swabbed to prove he had not touched her in any way. One of the police went out to the cab and said "Oh you again".

Turned out the couple routinely blackmailed taxi drivers with this scam. The husband showed up and they were made to pay for the meter which was running all that time. Add to that the cops charged them.

When they came out they actually had the nerve to ask for him to drive them home.

[–]NegativeK 19 points20 points ago

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Proper citizen's arrest success!

[–]Dog-E-Style 12 points13 points ago

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I can see your point but in this particular case the guy was a known customer of my buddy and was not a danger in that way.

[–][deleted] 212 points213 points ago

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Maybe she meant In n Out, the burger joint

[–]hellobrooklyn 58 points59 points ago

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Hell, I keep saying that over and over when I'm sober. Guess I should be more careful.

[–]SoyDueno 49 points50 points ago

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The old in out in out

[–]poopshipdestroyer 140 points141 points ago

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I was driving a cab one one night and these two college kids were kind of going at it in the way back seat (minivan). Usually I let people do what they want in the cab, hopefully for better tips. This was kind of gross as I could smell this girls vag and it was gross enough that I had to roll the window all the way down to keep from smelling it, muttering "thats fuckin sick". Anyhow the dude pays me for the ride(shitty tip) and as hes closing the door i yell out, "your girlfriends pussy fucking stinks!!". Then drove the fuck away as fast as I could.

[–]houz 60 points61 points ago

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cashcab has really gone downhill lately

[–]bearfury 37 points38 points ago*

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and how easy is it to procure such a cab driving occupation?

[–]Dog-E-Style 38 points39 points ago

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Be at least 23, have a clean driving record, pass a simple driving test, pass a background check, have proper license and city approval... Can be done in one day for about $35 in this area. Not hard. The hard part is making the job work. Driving can pay great or it can pay very shitty, and anywhere in between. It's totally up to you what you do with it. You can become distracted by all the bitches and drugs or you can rake in cash.

[–]rocketsurgery 167 points168 points ago

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Can you rake in the drugs and bitches and be distracted by the cash?

[–]tenfttall 25 points26 points ago

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Come on man, this ain't brain science.

[–]jayesanctus 40 points41 points ago

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...because we all know that being a cab-driver is just about the same as being a rock-star.

[–]Dog-E-Style 23 points24 points ago

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I was shocked. I turn the corner and a thousand people are hooting and hollering for me, tossing money and cans at me... It's a rare market here.

[–]danman183 33 points34 points ago

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The Navy you say?

[–]IsYourNameTangLung 54 points55 points ago

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Something something "seamen"

[–]sirbruce 41 points42 points ago

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Some Fillipino guy who moved into an apartment a few doors down sees me one night and asks me, "Do you suck cock?" After an awkward silence and some strange conversation I go back to my apartment. A few days later he leaves a handwritten note taped to my front door, written in broken english, saying in effect he wants to suck my cock. I never talked to him again.

[–]ddb1 133 points134 points ago

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In the Philippines, "I want to suck your cock" is slang for I am an eccentric billionaire who wants to give you a million dollars.

JOKES ON YOU DUMBASS

[–]mokita 37 points38 points ago

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Late one night last spring, I checked into a hotel in Bali and struck up a conversation with one of the guys who worked there. I was moving a little gingerly because I'd just spent 3 hours on a motorcycle. The guy noticed and offered to give me a massage, "for free, just for you!" Now, in general a free massage from a strange man is never a good idea, but he was a small man, and talking to me was making him so nervous that he was actually stammering. I was sore as hell, so I decided to accept the offer, figuring that he was much too timid to try anything untoward.

We go to my hotel room, the back massage commences, and the guy behaves himself like a gentlemen. Doesn't even try for the side-boob. Just as I'm really starting to relax, a HUGE guy who also works at the hotel comes barreling in the door. His arms are as big around as my waist, his chest is bare and covered in tattoos, and his face is uncannily orc-like. He shoves the little guy to the side and jumps on the bed, straddles my back, and starts kneading my shoulders like I'm the goddamn pillsbury dough girl. I freeze for a few seconds, trying to decide what to do. I'm lying on my stomach and my head is turned to one side, so the only thing I can see is the little guy, cowering against the wall and looking absolutely miserable.

At this point, the big guy announces, "Your body is too cool. You need some hot man muscle inside you."

I cracked up and kicked them both out. Took me a good five minutes to stop giggling.

[–]humor_me 27 points28 points ago

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Once the big guy entered I started imagining this whole thing as an anime.

[–]vspazv 16 points17 points ago

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Drunk girl said something in Japanese and stuck her hand down my pants.

I need to visit Tokyo again.

[–][deleted] 69 points70 points ago

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One night, I had dropped acid with some friends, and then a few hours later we proceeded to get really stoned as well. So, I'm upstairs from where I live, at my friends place. I'm tripping balls and decide I really need to sleep, so I pack up the last of my weed and head down to my apartment. It took me a good 20 minutes to get down the stairs, since I'd sort of space out every few steps (at least I assume it did, I was way fucked up).
My buddy's skanky gf apparently came down after me, cause she wanted more of my weed. When I refused her, she offered to fuck me for the pot. In my addled mind, I was searching for reasons to turn her down (I had the crazy idea that if I just said no, my buddy would be all offended. Go drugs!) so I told her I had no condoms, so couldn't do it. She then suggested I just wrap my cock with a bedsheet and give it to her that way. Some sort of primal part of my mind saw through the haze of LSD and pot, and recognized how fucking bad the rugburn on my cock would be if I did that, and I was able to remain coherent long enough to get her out of my apartment.

Then I passed out to hallucinations of Transformers.

[–]rust2bridges 19 points20 points ago

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Smart choice with the Transformers.

[–]calico_cat 48 points49 points ago

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Not one, but two! Both occurred when I lived in Japan. I'm white but I speak and read Japanese pretty well.

1: I used to live in a small town in Japan. I used to ride my bike for an hour in the mornings before going to work. I notice this van is following me, so I stop and turn around.

This short guy (maybe 5') jumps out, bows, and asks in oh-so-polite Japanese "I'm so sorry to have bothered you. I would like to ask if you have a boyfriend". I say yes, yes I do. He thinks for a bit, then says "Would you like to have sex with me?" I say no. He bows three times more while saying "I'm so sorry to have disturbed you" and drives off.

Apparently he was the pharmacist in the next town over. At least, that's what the van he was driving said.

2: I was at an enkai (after-work party) and the wasted vice-principal asks if I want to have sex with him. I point to his wedding ring and say "No! You are married!" He replies, "Yes, I'm married in [nearby city where he lives] but not here!"

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]vshzr 45 points46 points ago

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A girl walked up to me and just grabbed my balls, and said its ok its her birthday...

[–]dullac 145 points146 points ago

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go on.......

[–]philtheso 160 points161 points ago

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...I put on my robe and wizard hat...

[–]Japeth 18 points19 points ago

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Yeah, did you like that story?

[–]gemurph 30 points31 points ago

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In New Orleans, on a date, I stepped outside for a smoke. This noticeably athletic - and it turned out pretty - girl is coming down the sidewalk. She comes straight up to me and asks for a cigarette. As I light it for her she says, "Thanks. You're cute." Then, "Listen, I just got out of jail and I haven't had any in a while. Would you like to screw for a few hours?" I answered, "Sorry, hon, I can't. I'm on date." "Damn!" she said, "Well... thanks for the smoke." Then she smiled, kissed me on the cheek very affectionately, looked me in the eyes and said, "I bet it would have been fun," and went inside the club.

[–]Loufoque 13 points14 points ago

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It was late one night in July, I think, the summer that I turned eighteen. I had met up with some friends for coffee, but I wasn't really feeling it, so I bailed and walked around downtown by myself for a while, feeling introspective. It started to get dark, so I decided to call my older brother for a ride and wait at the base of some steps that lead up to an old theatre. I couldn't get a hold of him, but as I was trying to find a way home, a man approached me. He was probably in his fifties, with a dirty t-shirt stretched over a big gut, and a couple of teeth missing. I was small and skinny (and seriously flat-chested and young-looking) in ripped jeans, sneakers, and a Kids In The Hall t-shirt. He looked me up and down and then started to talk nervously. "Are you... working?" he asked. I wasn't really sure what he meant, but I assumed he thought I was working at the theatre behind me. Not wanting to seem like I was just lingering there, I lied and said "Um, no, I just got off. I'm waiting for a ride." It didn't even occur to me that he was trying to proposition me, I thought he was just a weirdo making conversation. Then he started telling me that he had a girlfriend and an apartment, and I could "join" them if I liked. I said, "Uh.. no, thank you. I really have to go. But um.. have fun." And without another word, he waddled off down the street and I sat there, gobsmacked, wondering if I had just been mistaken for a hooker.

[–]d3f4ult 192 points193 points ago*

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I was about 16 at the time and my family owned a little convenience store in the french quarter of New Orleans. God knows why, but my parents often let me work the night (4pm-12am) shift alone. It's Halloween, and being so close to Frenchman street, there's a steady stream of costumed revelers coming in to buy beer, condoms, or whatever other supplies they needed to make mischief.

Keep in mind that Halloween in New Orleans is serious business. I'd already seen more than my fair share of outlandishly costumed and/or half-naked people, when in walk god and the devil. Or, at least, a goddess and the devil - two chicks wearing parallel costumes. One girl is tall, lithe and blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and a gorgeous smile. She had a beautiful pair that were basically erupting from the white, lacy corset thing that she had on, along with a pair of wings, a set of fishnet stockings, and a halo. Her counterpart was equally gorgeous. Dark hair, dark eyes, red corset, fishnets, leather wings and devil horns.

It was one of the few lulls I had that night when the devil throws in the swinging door and barges into the store, dragging the angel behind her semi-reluctantly. She didn't even bother to look around, just walks in, sees me behind the counter, and gets this, well...devilish look on her face. She starts towards me when her friend stops her and half-whispers something along the lines of.

"....but he's so young..."

At this point they, of course, had my attention.

The devil blows off her friend who, I soon found out, was just making a show. She starts stroking my hand with her finger, leans in and says suggestively:

"Are you a virgin?"

".....yes....." I replied weakly after regaining my senses. I had never really done anything with a girl, so my heart is hammering away in my chest. BOOM BOOM BOOM. No way this is happening..

"Do you want to be?"

"No."

[–]blade1982 80 points81 points ago

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This is as close as I can get to porn at work. Fucking paste or write the rest, I don't really care right now.

[–]kibble 120 points121 points ago

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For pete's sake, d3f, I'm all ready to go here... COME ON!

[–]impotent_rage 54 points55 points ago

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and then???

[–][deleted] 54 points55 points ago

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She asked him if he's accepted Christ into his life.

[–]zetec 31 points32 points ago

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no and then!