My girlfriend has a rape fantasy. This both confuses and scares me, how the hell do I do this?

fornoone

First, try to take a step back. 'Rape' fantasy is probably the single most common fantasy for women. It doesn't mean she wants to be raped. If you play it out, it does not mean you're raping her, or that you're a bad person, or that you're forcing her or betraying her trust. The fact that she has told you this in itself implies a lot of trust in you and your relationship. Admitting to desiring something, if only in play, that we feel is among the most reprehensible human acts is very difficult and scary. As someone who also has rape (or 'non-consensual') fantasies and a boyfriend who is less eager (though certainly willing), I have a few pieces of advice.

Read up on the idea of rape play. Someone else already suggested Dan Savage (Savage Love). I love him; he takes a no-nonsense and non-puritanical approach to sex and kink, and reading his columns will acquaint you with so many scarier and more alarming kinks that you'll come out thrilled your girlfriend is so standard. Trust me.
Talk about it. What does 'rape play' mean to your girlfriend? Does she just want you to hold her down and fuck her? Surprise her in a black mask, tie her down and call her names? Slap her or gag her? There are so many different gradations of rape play, and some might be far different than what your girlfriend actually wants.
Playing into this same idea is the need for setting limits. Know how far you can go before you start. Can you cum on her face? Play with anal? Pull her hair? Both of you have limits, and you should both know them. Pushing sexual limits at the same time that you're playing with new emotional components can be tricky.
Also, romantic elements integrated with forceful play can be very powerful. Sometimes a kiss or touch that would be romantic in any other situation can, when forced, be a more total demonstration of domination than 'just' sex. An idea for you to play with.
Start small. This can be pretty easy; it can be pretty easy to make someone feel like they're being dominated. It doesn't even have to be sex; one of the best times I've had was when, in a spooning position, my boyfriend just held me, grabbed my wrists and wrapped his legs around mine, and I struggled. No sex. Later you can move to fingering her like this; it's not physically demanding, and really hot. When you're on top, putting your hands on her shoulders or wrists is another simple way to evoke the feelings she might be interested in. Simple words like 'I'm going to fuck you, and you can't stop me' can also go a long way.
If you're still nervous, make a script. Talk through with your girlfriend beforehand what each of you will do. An example might be that you start at the door, with her pushed against a wall, you pulling her clothes or fingering her or forcing kisses. Then, you'll mover her to the bed and fuck her in missionary. Planning out steps does not make the actual experience any less kinky or erotic, but can go a long way to make both parties more comfortable and the experience more successful.
Understand that this is just play. I said it before, and many will tell you again. This is not rape. It can be hard to get over this. Neither of you are a 'bad person' for playing with this. It's fun.
After you try anything, talk again. What did you like? What did she like? What should you try again, and what didn't go so well? Discuss the changes you might like to make and ideas that might play out well in the future. This is so important for any sexual relationship, but even more so when you're role-playing a game with power differences.
Have fun.

EDIT

Don't be worried if you get off on pinning her down. One of the biggest turn-ons to anyone is an adrenaline rush, and you will certainly get one if you're near-wrestling with your girl, apart from any emotional connections.

nolimitsoldier

I love all the comments from people who have never done this.

My girl loves rape fantasy. She had never done it before so let me explain what we did:

SAFE WORD, NO FREAKING JOKE, GET A SAFE WORD
Talk about it, ALOT.
Start small, just pin her down while you rail her. Almost all girls love this.
Have her start to fight back, or say "no"

Go from there. What is scary is when you get off really fast when she fights back...men are sick fucks.

Keep us posted.

meh-aidez

It's not rape in the "random stranger rapes me in a parking lot."

It's "So fucking turned on by me that he has to take me, right then and there."

karmagedon

Stand in front of her, pull down your pants, and bend over.

rileydiefenbach

First: talk.

animalcrackers1

It's a very common fantasy. You'd be surprised how many women have it. Here is a tip, blindfold her when you try it. You won't feel so self conscious

beandope

Hide behind the door.
???
Rape.

charlesgrodinfan

read some Savage Love, or podcast by Dan Savage, a sex columnist. He's got better advice than these idiots. I'm guessing he'll say something along the lines of

find a way to satisfy her kinks that guarantees you have her consent and you don't feel like a rapist, like trying some dom type activities (ala pinning her hands) and escalate from there.
make sure there are clear channels of communication. As you get more comfortable talking about each of your sexual turn ons/offs, it may get easier to accept some of the things she wants to do. Plus you get the benefit of your fantasies/kinks acted on (if she doesn't reciprocate dump her ass).

kudos for thinking about it. people have fantasies that partners aren't always super gung ho about, but that's what makes relationships last - compromise and communication.

And an edit: ask around in BDSMCommunity

Another edit: All these "use a safe word" comments are idiotic at best, and dangerous at worst. That's the most basic, noobish type of suggestion for kinky shit. It's like handing the keys to a ferrari to a 14 year old and saying "just press the brakes if you need to stop". Like most things, some education is important if not vital for success. Read up, talk about it and you'll be fine.

what5987

Well you obviously start by holding her down.

rboe

When looking for advice, I find that Louis CK always has the best answers: http://vodpod.com/watch/2295087-louis-ck-waitress-rape

goesgoodwithgum

I heard an awful story about a man whose wife had the Rape Fantasy. He waited for her to come home, jumped out of a closet with a mask on and raped her. Then proceeded to taking off the mask and saying, "Haha! Its only me!"

Their marriage soon ended. She didn't charge him with rape or anything, she just couldn't look at him without reliving the terror.

So yeah. You might not wanna all out rape your girlfriend. Be sure she knows its actually you before going for it.

Oh, and I recommend Danny Devito as a safe word. Also mortuary.

IWillKickU

If you're uncomfortable, I'll do it for you.

nerdofnerds

IT'S A TRAP!

Dorama1987

I've yet to be with a girl who didn't enjoy some form of domination. I think it's a part of our gender roles that is taboo in polite society. Think of it as a release of social tension and suddenly all kink becomes easy and understandable.

shortname111

start by surprising her. if she says no, keep going.

betelgeux

You know, you don't HAVE to do this. She'd likely be upset that you felt obligated to do something that made you this uncomfortable.

Tell her how you feel about this.

I personally can't do the play-rapist game. I'm not a rapist and I find the idea of forcing myself on a woman abhorrent.

thedarkhaze

The first thing I should mention is that rape fantasies are pretty common so you shouldn't be worried about that. However as AmortalGnarl says you should definitely talk about it and how to approach it. One of the key things is obviously since it's a rape scenario you'll need to discuss secret words for her to use if she really wants it to stop instead of just playing along with the scenario.

In general you can google rape fantasies and see how other people have approached it.

suddenlyseemore

I've dated serveral girls who've admitted to having an embarrassing fantasy of wanting to be raped and completely taken over. I just tried to add it to the sex by starting off romantic and kissing, and then being rough. One girl would cum when I smacked her face. Then this other totality reacted like I was raping her in a bad way when I told her to shut up. Which another liked, and this one said she liked it rough. They're all crazy bro. And these were well balanced, professional ladies, not an easy picture in your mind of instability.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnXtGINeDK0

sdbear

A great many women have rape fantasies. This does not mean that they wished to be raped. A rape fantasy is sexy, but a real rape is about as sexy as road kill.

Birdrun

Use a safe word. Pick a word which makes no sense in the context of the act, like 'banana' or 'triangle' or some such, and if she says that, you stop what you're doing and back off.

Other than that, proceed carefully. Ease into it, and get a little more agressive each time. This should help you "find" the boundaries without going way too far, and should make it a lot more comfortable for both of you.

Be careful about your own limits too. If you're not comfortable with something, say so. Don't just go along with it.

iowan

It's good that you're confused. Have an open discussion with her. This is a garden variety fantasy as they go, so just keep an open mind. A safe word goes without saying. Have her articulate exactly what she wants and be ggg for your partner and hopefully she'll return the favor.

gingeraptor

One of the strongest turn ons in pinning her hands down whole you kiss her strongly while taking her clothes off. Pick her up and throw her/ push her onto the bed ot against a wall. I'm def not into the rape fantasy. But the above is soo awesome.

disinforeddit

Make her sign a release waiver first, maybe with her mom as a witness.

holdErSteady2

Read this article in Slate. It's a level-headed, respectful, scientific inquiry (by a woman researcher) into why this fantasy is so compelling for so many women. In short (and REALLY oversimplifying it; do read the article), the fantasy is about being so alluring to the man that he will defy social norms, crater his own ethics, endanger his own wellbeing and freedom, all to have her.

It also points out rather saliently, right off, that literally "wanting" to be "raped" is a tautological impossibility. (You can't want to have done to you something that you don't want done to you.) That's the nature of fantasy, to pretend.

To your original question of "where to start" - first (and I'll make some assumptions here), enjoy being bigger and stronger than her. The difference in our physiques is so key to why men and women attract each other anyway - whether men are watching a woman cross her legs, or women watch the play of arm muscles as a guy lifts heavy crap. So much of the allurement is in the differences. Making love (and I'm only qualified to talk about two-gender love-making) is about (excuse this) "plunging into" those differences. Rollicking in the physical differences. So I can imagine that for women, being overpowered by a man in bed is part of that. At an atavistic level, it must go something like this: "Man Is Stronger." So being overpowered must be like having that allurement writ large, pronounced aloud, made concrete and dynamic in the room. Rather than being a subtlety, Maleness is profoundly present then. And by immediate contrast, her Femaleness is as profoundly present.

(As if I know what I'm talking about! Ladies - downvote this to Hades if it deserves it.)

We're layered folks. We're humans who deserve dignity, we're mammals who reproduce sexually, and we each come with our own psychological contours. If you and your girlfriend otherwise admire and love and trust each other, than talk with her about this. All other things being healthy and non-psycho, this might be an avenue of tremendous fun and intimacy for you both.

But the article is worthwhile, even if my musings are dreck.

opportuneport

First: Safe Word and talking about what you both like and don't like.

Second: DO NOT START WITH THIS FANTASY. Start with some other kinky power play fantasy. Spanking, blind folding, handcuffs, rope, something else she and you are up for that deals with you having more control than she does that she can stop with the safe word you've talked about.

While plenty of women do have fantasies that end up being called "rape fantasies", making it good for her will be contingent on finding out exactly why it is a turn on for her. Loss of control? Not knowing when it will happen? Actual fear? Or is it just sex that's a bit rougher than the sex you're currently having? If it's just rough sex, she's going to be quite out of sorts if you blindfold and gag her the moment she gets home, drive her to an abandoned parking lot, and fuck her in the car. on the other hand, that may be exactly what she wants.

EddieVanHelsing

Just because she has a fantasy doesn't mean she wants to make it a reality. Talk to her.

mastertwisted

Okay, this is something I'm actually qualified to address. First, there are a lot of resources out there for what is known as power exchange. This doesn't necessarily have to involve serious BDSM, but it might. You might consider picking up a book like Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns, which is a very basic look at S&M. There are also online resources available.

Open your mind, and understand that if this is something she wants, it's not something wrong with her. It can actually be fun for both of you if you approach it with the sense of pleasing your girlfriend.

Next, understand that if you DO follow up, and there is any bondage involved, whether you use rope or whatever, there are safety issues. Please do read up on basic knots and techniques. You don't have to be a master, but you should know if the knot you use will tighten under load (i.e., if she is tied and she struggles, will the rope get tighter?)

Sex is not just physical - it's mental too. You probably already know this. And if for whatever reason you are not cool with this fantasy, talk about it with her. In fact, that should really be the starting point. Learn what she wants and needs, explore together, and best of luck to you.

EDIT: responded before reading all the comments. I think you can look at the points and pretty much tell who is giving good advice and who has no clue. Rape fantasies are not "Surprise! Buttsecks!", they are complex ways of her surrendering power to someone she trusts - you. So yeah, start slow, talk about it, and have an open mind. Maybe she just wants to be restrained, maybe she wants the full roleplayed treatment.

SirRonaldofBurgundy

Sneak up on her, shoot her in the neck with about five ounces of industrial horse tranquilizer, then have your way with her while she's drooling on the kitchen tiles. Then when she wakes up, tell her you fulfilled her rape fantasy. Then she'll always have a mental image of you doing whatever she wanted you to do, and that mental image will always be more satisfying that any real roleplaying or whatever that you two could actually do.

pillage

First you have to create the universe.

CallMemaJiC

Rape fantasy's are the best. Me and at least 3 of my ex's loved doing this. Just hold her down and you get to do anything you want to her. Tie her up if she likes that. Or just hold her down and pound the fuck outta her. Then shove your dick down her throat and face fuck her. Damn, I loved that shit. But also though, lick her pussy n stuff too. Pay attention to her needs also. You'll be amazed at how hot it is.

feralgrinn

Just dominate her like she wants...

kegbol

Almost every woman has a rape fantasy, and it is almost certainly because you're not into it at all that she feels comfortable enough to do it with you. It freaked the shit out of me first time. Hell… It freaked the shit out of me every time, but it's not that strange.

Ella404

I agree with charlesgrodinfan- Dan Savage is the way to go. And talk, talk, talk- about what she finds hot about this fantasy, about what exactly she wants you to do to her, about any and all concerns you have about this, and about what safeword you're going to use. If you use a gag, make sure she has some other way of letting you know if she wants to stop.

mooenz

As many people have pointed out, obviously talking and communicating are going to be huge for this fantasy. Specifically, you need to talk about exactly what is and is not OK: Holding her down? Hitting? Choking? Ask her what she would and would not be comfortable with. I'm a female who has this fantasy, but when I did it with a previous boyfriend, we didn't talk it through enough, and we both ended up unhappy as a result.

Another good tip is to start small. If you're uncomfortable with jumping in (and it sounds like you might be) don't force intercourse - start with other, smaller sex acts, or role play a date rape scenario.

And, obviously a safe word is key.

kenvsryu

you gonna get raped? she's gonna strap one on.

OrthogonalThoughts

with GUSTO!

WallaceFard

Just sit back and leave it to me.

Redmoons

1) Settle on a safeword.

2) Pretend to be a caveman.

cefriano

Start with some chloroform.

IWillKickU

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE FOR ANAL GO FOR IT!!

epicrdr

Sit her down and tell her you would like to talk to her about her rape fantasy. Explain how it makes you uncomfortable and just not something you are willing to do. When she finally gives you the sign that she understands and respects your position, throw her down and rape the shit out of her. She will never see it coming.

plan17b

[deleted]

pixelnoir

The rape fantasy is a big gamble. She'll either realize what's going on and enjoy living out her fantasy or she won't realize what's going to and you'll get "What the fuck are you doing?!"

youngturk

dress up in a black hoodie and get a knife and jump her right after she leaves her work

ekki

Just a word of advice

In 1-3 months after the sex fantasy, I want to point out that she can go to the police and show the bruises and rope marks and what not, and say you raped her.

iorgfeflkd

Give her a safe word.

Then jump her a few days later.

Very common fantasy, of course, if you let her have her fantasy, that means she has to do yours.

octagonatron

I can't believe it but, the answer is rape.

SmashThSilence

TIE HER UP. And all these kids telling you to use a safe word probably have never done this kind of sex before. It might be a good idea, but it's certainly not the most important part. If you know your girlfriend well enough, you will be able to tell when her "NO. STOP." is genuine.

Seriously though. Tie her up with a couple of ties. Use a scarf to blindfold her.

Here's a fun one: She's on her back. You sit on her so your cock is in her mouth and your knees are on her arms. Awesome.

matthank

Do it at a time when she'd never expect it to be you, in a different part of town. Have an alibi.

Afterward, swear it was not you.

Or, hire a guy.

mmdragon

You've never raped somebody before? PROTIP: If you don't prepare, it'll end in like 2 seconds. The clench is a killer.

rogerssucks

Rape her.

SmoothieKing

FUCKING RAPE HER FAGGOT dont read the gay advice to "talk" RAPE HER

zombiecyborghitler

DONT PUT YOUR DICK IN THE CRAZY

RomanSenate

It's quite common for women to have rape fantasies. This doesn't mean they actually want to be violently raped by a stranger, it's nothing to worry about. Just ask her what she wants you to do.

wildmXranat

I would start by getting rougher but still delicate as you never know her comfort limits. Don't go full out mr. Rape on her . This is very important. Trust and synchronization in expectations need to present. If at any time , you cross the line, you can say bye to doing trying next time.

I'm going go out on a limb and say that most of us here don't know what to tell you . Look somewhere else and preferrably from a known author with a good track record.

tehra

The OP didn't mention who was getting raped in this fantasy. Perhaps she wants to see him raped by some big bad men.

boli99

Just start when she least expects it.

Feeq2

[deleted]

Ictinike

Some fantasy's should stay that way.

parabology

She wants to feel so hot that you couldn't help yourself. So next time she's being a bit flirty or puts on something sexy, give her a look and then just go at her, rip off her clothes, hold her down or hold her hands back or something. The first time need not be more complicated than that I don't think.

Kancho_Ninja

but since it's something she wants I'll do it. Where the hell do I start?

You can start by giving me a call. I'll pick up your house key when you leave for work in the morning.

greenplasticman2002

A good place to start is simply holding her arms down during sex at the wrist. Work your way up to the full on rape fantasy.

strolls

Hi there, I was searching for an unrelated story, and this post came up as a top hit. Any chance of an update? How did it work out for you? Want to do an AMA on this subject?

mastertwisted

Tie her up, cover her eye's and gag her. Go out for some fast food and leave her there. Come back and have your way with her, but don't give her any indicate who it is, and make sure it's a bit rough.

That should be a good start, and a middle ground if your not a rapist.

scjones

Full on rape her.

Sub_NerdBoy

if it confuses and scares you don't do it. a gf i had when i was a teen asked me to do this for her and i wouldn't because it confused the hell out of me, like why does my gf want to get raped??? do i need to worry about if she does get raped that she'll enjoy it more than me??* etc. not to mention the idea of actually trying to roleplay a position of raping someone you love is just not on my table of things to do before i die.

Nastybutler

Don't let this happen.

Draiko

There's an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force I think you should watch... It's called "Hand Banana".

SuperBoris

Don't talk to her about it, just do it. Wait until she comes in from work and surprise her? Just don't leave any blunt objects around just in case.

mechanate

Chances are she's a sub. Start out by just randomly throwing her up against a wall or something and go from there.

Ajaxxx

Have her film herself, preferably with a witness of her choosing, saying that she wants to have rape sex. Make several copies of that vid and store them safely. Then, with your liability and ass covered, rape the bitch.

SirOblivious

I would not go through with it, what if she decides she doesn't like it and asks you to stop and you think its part of the act? Or , what if later she changes her mind and says you raped her? Not worth it, its an extreme liability.

Get her to focus on something else

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