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Have you experienced emotional abuse? (self.AskReddit)

submitted ago by weneedtotalk

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Long-time lurker. Finally created an account.

LSS - I'm a 28-year-old male, and pretty sure I'm in an emotionally abusive marriage (I'm the victim). Currently doing a lot of research and reading, and trying to manage my self-esteem to get through this. We hit a new low in our relationship today, and I'm finally ready to start taking serious steps to make it right (what that means, in the end, I don't know yet...).

I haven't talked to anyone about it yet, but I have brought the issue up with my wife when I feel it happening, only to get the textbook response of the table getting turned back on me and the usual silent treatment.

Have any of you experienced emotional abuse? How did you deal with it?

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[–]Jynxkat 4 points5 points ago

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yup- you need to remember that, as a human being, you have the right to be free from emotional abuse and trauma- your mate should help you claim those rights- not be the source of the abuse. Hard to say what you should do without more details

[–]weneedtotalk[S] 1 point2 points ago

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Thanks. Today's emotional trough finally made me apply that realization.

Not necessarily asking what I should do, but really asking what others have done in similar situations, particularly those that are/were married.

If you want more details, feel free to ask.

[–]Jynxkat 2 points3 points ago

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if you're in a large enough community you can probably find free group therapy- they can get to know you directly and you can figure out the extent of the problem and possible solutions- sometimes it's difficult to tell how bad a situation is when you're in the middle of it. going to sessions like that also show your partner that you're serious about your feelings/accusations -not just whining or looking for attention, which is often what the other party thinks when it's first brought up. once your wife accepts that there's a problem you could go to couples therapy and try to work it out- if she refuses to acknowledge the problem- like my ex did- that could be a deal breaker- there's no reason for you to stick around if you're going to be miserable all the time

[–]weneedtotalk[S] 2 points3 points ago

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I didn't consider group therapy as a first option. Thanks for the suggestion.

[–]mobilehypo 0 points1 point ago

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Being able to talk to people that are in your situation will make you feel way less alone in this. I'm really impressed you are seeking help, most men won't.

[–][deleted] ago* 

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[deleted]

[–]weneedtotalk[S] 2 points3 points ago

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Thanks, and I'm taking the first steps in trying to find pro help out in our area, but I'm afraid that to get her to commit to therapy/counseling of any kind, it's going to require her to admit something is wrong, which I don't see happening. Confronting her alone has just escalated the issue, like you said.

[–]ephemeron0 1 point2 points ago* 

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yes. i was in an abusive dating relationship. a few years later, a good friend of mine was in an abusive marriage. neither were salvageable.

at least you have made this discovery. in my case, it had to be pointed out to me several years into the relationship. with this new realization, i tried to work with her for a short while. eventually, i simply explained that she was being abusive and that it had to stop. she told me that i should go. we never really spoke again. it sucked. i'm was so much happier afterward.

i don't have a lot of details on my friends marriage. he doesn't talk about it much. but, he also tried to work through it. he eventually gave her an ultimatum and one last chance. things were ok for few months but that was it. they divorced. he's much happier now.

frankly, i think too many people give up on their marriages far too easily, anymore. but, when it comes to abusive relationships, the odds are against you. an abusive personality goes right to the core. it's pretty difficult changing them. good luck. find some peace.

[–]weneedtotalk[S] 0 points1 point ago

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I'm not ready to jump ship on the marriage yet, as it's not always been like this. But I'm also afraid that what you said about the odds against me is true as well.

[–]tryingtohelp 1 point2 points ago

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I'm sorry you are in such an awful situation. If you weren't married, I'd say leave the relationship and try to work on understanding how this happened so it wouldn't happen again. Most abusers do not change and it's best to get away from them because they will only get worse.

But you are married and you sound like you do not want to divorce her. The number one thing you have to do is get her to a counselor. Convince her to go with you together. This will probably be hard, so you will have to keep trying. You may even have to let her know that divorce is on the table if she doesn't go with you. Even if you have to drag her kicking and screaming, just get her there. Once you're there you can work together to solve this problem. But it will be a hard fight, because people like this usually only get worse.

For now, keep researching signs of abuse and ways you can handle it. The more you know, the better.

Have I experienced emotional abuse? Yes, as have tons of people. For me, the only solution was to leave the other person because in the end they never changed. I am so much happier now. Leaving was 100% worth it.

[–]DrTwitchy 1 point2 points ago

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I did but only as a kid. Not so much now. I have more control over who I am around now, so I avoid everyone. LOL. Problem solved. I haven't been in a major relationship... Or a minor one.

Best solution is to just accept it. I had many people against me though and I figured majority couldn't be wrong. It doesn't bother me at all now. I just accept it.

You only have one person... She could be wrong. Consider that. One person has a lot of chance to be wrong.

[–]Kittycide 0 points1 point ago

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An on-off boyfriend who started smoking pot & would not listen to me when I cried on the phone with him every night, begging him to quit [don't ask me why I don't like it, to be honest I really don't know]. He refused to quit & by the time he did, I didn't know how to feel about him anymore.

Because of him, I cannot date anyone who drinks or smokes. My worst fear is losing someone else because of something stupid like that.

[–]JamEaterBlues 0 points1 point ago

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Sounds like it was more our fault, sorry. demanding something unreasonable of your SO just because you feel like it is a horrible thing to do.

[–]Kittycide 0 points1 point ago

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I never demanded, I simply asked him to & when he would say no it would upset me. It's not like I ever went to his house & stole his weed.

I also feared something would happen to him because the people he hangs out with when he smoked were known for doing stupid shit while high. Does being worried about the safety of someone you care about sound demanding to you?.

[–]yousuf1984 1 point2 points ago* 

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It's one thing if he was becoming unmotivated to do stuff he needed to take care of, or if he wasn't available to you emotionally because he was too stoned to comprehend what you were saying.

If it was just him getting high with some buddies here and there just to cut loose, I would say that you calling him and crying to him over the phone about how you hate it was abuse towards him if anything.

People need to realize that everybody likes to smoke pot, it is not a big fucking deal unless you are overdoing it.

[–]JamEaterBlues 0 points1 point ago

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I simply asked him to & when he would say no it would upset me

So you asked him to quit, and when he said no you got upset? Sounds like demanding to me. You were expecting him to appease your interests, and when he didn't, you threw a fit.

You don't need to go insane and steal somebody's pot to be demanding.

I also feared something would happen to him because the people he hangs out with when he smoked were known for doing stupid shit while high. Does being worried about the safety of someone you care about sound demanding to you?.

Until he actually did something stupid, you should have given him more leeway instead of trying to guilt trip him into quitting.

Now, if he was completely abusing marijuana and it was hurting his studies/personal relationships/life, I retract everything I said previously.

[–]Kittycide 0 points1 point ago

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He did admit to me at one point [though after our relationship ended], that he has started using pot as an escape & I also know that his relationship with his parents has defiantly taken a hit since they found out he started smoking.

You're probably right, though. I just sort of panicked.

[–]BadDaughter 0 points1 point ago

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Yes, but they're my parents so I'm just gonna have to suck it up I guess.

[–]lurkerlurker -1 points0 points ago

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Nope.

[–]Applesauces 0 points1 point ago* 

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I hope you die. You're such a fucking douchebag, Ihateyousomuch.

EDIT: And now you're a liar. God i hate liars.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points ago

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Shouldn't have got married. Hope you don't have kids.

You don't deal with it, you leave the person emotionally abusing you or it gets worse. She's come to resent you at this point, because you exhibit no self esteem and don't act like a man. I mean, look...you could consider manning up and telling her to fuck off in a subtle, non passive-aggressive way, but I honestly think it's to late for that.

[–]weneedtotalk[S] 1 point2 points ago

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FWIW - the abuse didn't start until about a year and a half ago. Married for almost three. She's becoming/has become a completely different person than the person that I married.

I don't need a lesson on masculinity, but I am curious to learn what your definition of acting like a man entails...besides telling your wife to fuck off, that is...

[–][deleted] ago* 

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[deleted]

[–]weneedtotalk[S] 1 point2 points ago

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You sound like you have the world and the opposite sex all figured out. Thanks for your help.

[–]mobilehypo 0 points1 point ago

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This is horrible. Would you blame a woman in the same situation? Men get verbally abused just as often as women. I know, I used to be the abuser.

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points ago* 

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I'm confused. You think leaving the emotionally abusive person is a bad thing...huh.

Also, I'd like to know how you were abusive. I'm what most feminists would consider verbally abusive, although the women I date love being ignored and bossed around (as do most attractive women).

[–]mobilehypo 4 points5 points ago

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Yes I believe in leaving, but I don't agree with a few things you said. The "shouldn't have gotten married, hope you don't have kids" doesn't help the situation in any way other than to make him feel even worse. You also seem to be implying she is abusive because he exhibits no self esteem, doesn't act like a man, and hasn't told her to fuck off. None of that is constructive, it's insulting to him and blaming him, because hey, if he was man enough she wouldn't be doing this. You may not have intended to come across like that but you did.

How can I describe how I was abusive? I took every opportunity to belittle my ex and to make him feel worthless and useless. Everything he did I criticized, even if it was the right thing, I could always find fault. If you base your relationships on having a friendship with your mate, which I do (and did), it's hurtful to have someone you love and care about show no real regard for your feelings. I grew up in a household that was nothing but arguments, abuse, and disrespect and I sadly grew up to be like that. I have been able to change that about myself.

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points ago* 

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shouldn't have gotten married, hope you don't have kids

It's true though. Hoping some male redditors that are thinking about getting married will see this and change their minds.

You also seem to be implying she is abusive because he exhibits no self esteem, doesn't act like a man, and hasn't told her to fuck off.

For the most part, that's exactly what I'm implying. He says he's got self-esteem issues, and his woman is emotionally abusive. With what little information I have, I can say that, in my opinion, this is the most likely scenario. By telling her to fuck off, he can possibly get some manhood back, some fucking self-esteem, but probably not at this point.

None of that is constructive, it's insulting to him and blaming him, because hey, if he was man enough she wouldn't be doing this.

Oh, but it is constructive. If there's a shittily built structure there to begin with, you have to tear it down in order to put it up right. The truth is, nearly every man with self-esteem issues in a relationship will gain the resentment of the other. You should know that, I know I do.

I took every opportunity to belittle my ex and to make him feel worthless and useless.

You were a rotten person. I'd venture to bet if you were dating the exact same kind of personality again, you'd go back to your abusive behavior. Not to say it's right, but unless you are still dating the same person, you didn't fix a fucking thing. The circumstances changed, nothing more.

If you base your relationships on having a friendship with your mate, which I do (and did), it's hurtful to have someone you love and care about show no real regard for your feelings.

Tell that to all the chicks who just love talking about how shitty a person the guy they're fucking is. He's an asshole, or you can't believe he did this and that...or he's abusive, yet you stay with him...this works to the advantage of some smart guys like myself that just want to fuck you.

The only time I'd recommend a relationship with a friend is if I wouldn't mind losing that person as a friend if we broke up. Otherwise, I'd rather keep fucking her friends.

I grew up in a household that was nothing but arguments, abuse, and disrespect and I sadly grew up to be like that.

I did too. My dad was emotionally AND physically abusive to everyone. But I learned from that, both on the negative and positive front. Being an asshole gets me laid, being a dorky "nice-guy" doesn't. If women didn't like assholes, I wouldn't be one. But they do, so I am.

The difference between Pop and I is that he got married and had kids (BIG NO-NO). I won't make that mistake. I also don't plan on ever beating up someone, although if a chick ever slapped or punched me, I'd slap or punch her back; you know, equal rights, equal fights type stuff.

I have been able to change that about myself.

You changed your circumstance (as earlier noted), not who you are. That shit is deep seeded.

[–]mobilehypo 1 point2 points ago

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When I change something about myself, it's changed, no bullshit. I realize few people can do it, but I made the decision that I don't want to be that person anymore. I am not together with that ex, but I did change before we broke up. We broke up for totally unrelated reasons. When we met we were two totally different people and our interests grew in different directions. It was a totally amicable breakup that happened years after I changed my behavior. I have since dated men with the same personality and I have not fallen back into old habits.

You and I will be at odds over this because you like to date women who aren't like me, and I like to date men who aren't like you. It works for both of us. :D

I don't date assholes, I don't need to, but I don't date wishy washy nice guys either. I prefer to date someone who has their own personality and opinions, expresses them, and treats me like an equal.

I suspect the OP is more than likely wanting a friendship AND a relationship, vs. just some chick to fuck. :D

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points ago* 

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When I change something about myself, it's changed, no bullshit.

Statistically, you're wrong. I can't even remember how many women I've met that have stayed with me expecting me to change. And it never happens. They tell this to abused women at the battered clinics, in therapy and counseling as well. Because it's true. That said, I either have to take you, an anonymous person on the internets word for it or go with the normal, standard outcome in your situation...hmmm...what to do.

I don't date assholes, I don't need to, but I don't date wishy washy nice guys either.

If you're attractive (like an 8 or better), you would date me. In fact, you'd get so riled up by the way I ignore you trying to get my attention, you wouldn't be able to get your mind off of me. You'd try to talk to me, but I'd be passive to your advances, maybe ask you to buy me a drink or ask you why that girl to the left keeps staring at me, just to keep you game. And it works, time and time and time again. But I'm getting off track...

I prefer to date someone who has their own personality and opinions, expresses them, and treats me like an equal.

No fun? Spontaneous adventurer? Great smile, good looks? I don't think you're being completely honest here...:)

I suspect the OP is more than likely wanting a friendship AND a relationship, vs. just some chick to fuck.

He's not going to find it if he doesn't act like a man and grow some balls. Humans are just like animals, they have primal needs. Lack of self-esteem is the equivalent of being a 3 legged elk with a broken antler during mating season.

[–]mobilehypo 0 points1 point ago

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Well, all women aren't the same. I'm not an 8+, but I'm not ugly either. I have no problem finding men that find me attractive. I appreciate your world view because that's your experience, but you need to try and accept that not everyone fits into your box. I'm proud of myself for the changes I have made because it has made me a happier person.

And just as a parting shot ;) of course I'm fun, I'm a Libertarian! I like to shoot guns, play video games, go out and party, bowl like Lebowski, etc. :D

[–]pluis 1 point2 points ago

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"although the women I date love being ignored and bossed around (as do most attractive women)."

Did you ask them beforehand if they were into this? Or have you just discovered that 'it works'?

Speaking from experience, I can say that I've put up with behaviour (and responded to it effectively) that I would now say is completely unacceptable, simply because I didn't know that I could be treated any differently.

It might be easy to mistake that as me liking to be treated as such. What it really meant is that I didn't yet have the frame of reference to see the behaviour for what it really was; destructive to my self esteem, leaving me more open to responding effectively to more ignoring and bossing around (and agression and threats and other forms of emotional manipulation).

[–]mobilehypo 0 points1 point ago

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Amen. Accepting that sort of behavior as normal is a self esteem thing. We deserve to be treated way better than that. I used to go for that, but no more. I have way better things to do than chase some moron who plays games. There's plenty of men out there that don't.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I'm surprised you have many dates.

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